Inside of Me...Under Construction

All In One....Part One

2009-05-22T12:57:00.010-05:00

As per AngelNicki's comment.....
-AngelNicki said...
Maybe you should just save all of the incomplete drafts and somehow merge them into one long, very strange post?
I'm posting all of my "draft" posts, All In One....VERY WEIRD!!

HERE GOES.....

Today

I realized, over the last 2 years, I've been more consumed with losing him, rather than losing myself! WTF?!
I'm not sure what happened to me! What I am promising myself is to take it a day at a time & rediscover myself. At this point, realistically, it may not include him. While it makes me sad to a certain extent, as of today, I am ok with that. I deserve A LOT! From now on, I will make sure that I receive exactly what I expect from anyone I choose to have in my life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'M BACK!!

I haven't been here, but I'm soo back! I could've used the other computers, PC's, but it just didn't feel right. Not sure what it is, but my personal laptop makes me want to focus & get some writing done.
Alot has happened over the past few months. I'm working in a gym again. Not happy about it, but I have a job in an economy where most people don't have a job at all. Thankful, because I have one. I thank God EVERY DAY!
But, I know my skills are not being utilized AT ALL!! So, what do I do about this?

I decided, that now that my computer is fixed, that I'll start writing again. Even if it's just blogging. I WILL WRITE!!

Not on all of my meds....hey, what can I say? I try, but I don't see where it's really helping me anymore. The only thing that I can count on is my sleepy time meds to work. If I don't take them, I really can't sleep!

________________________________________________________________________________

Happy New Year!!!

Not good or bad! Tomorrow is my last day of work... I'm scared!

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dreaming

I have yet to go, completely, back on my meds. Although I intend on doing so, and know I need it, I'm scared to do it. I am taking my sleepy time meds, and my pdoc said it was ok for me to cut my Celexa in half, making it 10mg/day, along with my Concerta, which I had her bring down from 36mg to 27mg. In my head I feel like on of my medications is depressing me, so even though I had the mgs lowered, I'm still a bit weary...

I digress...

Not been on all of my meds, for some reason, means that I can remember my dreams. They are getting more & more weird by the day.
Yesterday, I had 2 major dreams. The first was completely surrounded around corn muffins. Everyone was eating them & trying to get me to do the same. Everywhere I looked, there was a corn muffin. Every coversation that was had was something directly geared towards corn muffins. Here's the weird part...I HAVE NEVER EATEN A CORN MUFFIN IN MY LIFE! I woke up at 3am to tell my bf about my corn muffin dream. I think he thought I was talking in my sleep, which is kinda true, I was kinda still sleep. When I woke up yesterday morning, I went to pick up breakfast from the deli, & what do you know...there are corn muffins on the checkout counter. So, I bought one. Turns out, they taste EXACTLY like corn bread! Who knew, lol!

The second dream was weird-er!
Apparently my step-father had...

_________________________________________________________________________________

So Much

I've had so much going on within the last few weeks that most days, I honestly only remember to take my night time meds. So, I'm going to give a quick update...

Since my Cancer Free results, I decided to become a surrogate mother for one of my Aunts. Extremely LONG story short..she remarried & wants to have a child with her new....

___________________________________________________________________________________

Going Back on Meds

Ever since I got my "Cancer Free" results, I've been off of my meds. I wanted to see who I was without them. I don't really know...

___________________________________________________________________________________

Have I Mentioned?

I don't think that I said it, but I took it upon myself to go off of my meds. P/Tdoc are pissed at me for not speaking with them prior to going off, but, WHATEVER!! I found out that I like my personality a lot better...

__________________________________________________________________________________

Last Night was BAD!!!!

This would be a "Whoa Is Me Post". So, if this isn't something you wanna read...then move on.
Last night, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown.
I'M TIRED OF BEING SICK!

Apparently I've Tried

2009-04-26T10:17:00.000-05:00

19 in draft posts...hmmmm...
None of them are complete. Half thoughts, mid thoughts, partial sentences.

What does this mean?!

Back Again...

2009-04-26T09:58:00.001-05:00

It's been a long time. Computer has been fixed for a couple of mths, but I wasn't sure what to say. Still not sure, but one thing is clear, I need to be here. I need to write. My bf said it best, if you love to write...then write. While he doesn't understand what a daunting task it may be at times...he's correct!

So, let me give you a quick update, because I have other blogs to update as well!

Things are moving along, slowly, but moving nonetheless. The economy has gotten the best of everyone it seems like. I'm not working, but bf is finally up and running & feeling REALLY good about himself. I'm very proud of him!!
As for my head, I'm still in therapy, still selective on what I say, but I find myself being more open as the sessions move forward. I'm still accepting my meds, although I'm only taking the one's for me to sleep. Not taking my daytime meds, which may be the reason why I feel so un-put-together..I know that's not a real word, but that's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling.
I see a lot of people have still been following me...I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT!! When I chack my blog from time to time, it makes me feel good that my blog is still active, although it doesn't always motivate me to write.
I've gained some weight , which is really exciting!!! I'm at a cool 136lbs. I'm fitting into my size 4's slowly but surely, lol!! HUGE DEAL FOR ME!! I was down to a zero, with some extra room left over. I was looking sick :-x
There's a good chance that I may go back to my daytime meds just for the sake of working & trying to reorganize Amber!

With that being said, I PROMISE TO GIVE AT LEAST A DAILY UPDATE, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, FROM TODAY GOING FORWARD!

LOVE YOU ALL MY BLOGGER FAMILY!! GRACE & PEACE!

A Little Update

2008-10-28T11:27:00.000-05:00

I finally took my laptop to the "doctor"....the diagnosis wasn't a good one. I need a new hard drive, & since I didn't back up all of my applications, I would need to do a recovery on it. The cost, $900.00!
WHAT?!?
That's CRAZY in the truest sense of the word!!!
So, I left the "doctor", with a very depressed feeling, not knowing what my next move was. I decided to call all of my computer people to see what they had to say. The end result, I still don't have a computer, but, on the bright side...I can purchase a new hard drive for less than $200.00, & I have a few friends that might be able to do a recovery for me, but I'll have to work around their schedule. We'll see what happens. 'Til then, I'm gonna have to get used to blogging through my BlackBerry.

Not Having A Computer

2008-10-11T08:47:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, relying on my laptop has been a HUGE mistake on my part! I thought it would NEVER die! Not that it's dead now, but it needs to go to the computer doctor for a check up.
Since it crashed, I've done much of NOTHING! As my bf would say..."The masterpiece of minimalism!" I haven't blogged, checked my email regularly, I haven't even been able to read anyone else's blog because you were all bookmarked on my laptop. This means I have no clue what a lot of your blog addresses are. It's times like these that I am thankful for blogrolling.

The Stress

2008-09-30T08:16:00.000-05:00

Not knowing what I'm going to do next stresses me out. How bills are going to be paid, where are we going to live next week....the stress makes me not want to write/blog. It makes me not want to do the obvious thing and take my laptop into the city to be repaired. I'd feel better if I had my computer. At least then I could do work online.
Now with the economy going the way it's going, I find myself accepting positions for work that I normally would never consider. Work that makes me travel 2 hours out of the way for FUTURE money.
Which means, the money won't be available until a few months from now....but my real concern is what are we going to do until then!
My bf does his best to make me laugh & smile. While I do my best to encourage & convince him that the fat lady won't sing for us. Relationship wise, oddly enough, we are doing A LOT better. The respect factor & togetherness has come back...it's putting me in a much needed, calmer place.
Every church service I attend, Pastor reminds us that God will never give us more than we can bear. Sometimes he has to tear us down, to get rid of whatever is hindering us, to build us up again.
Well, I'm here to say, I'm torn down...we are torn down! But, I can't help but feel that we're going through all of this, together, for a reason.
Pastor says don't look to others for an explanation & a result. No one but God can give it to you.
After almost an entire year...my bf & I have come this far....& have stressed as a couple....THERE IS A REASON!
Other couples I know have gone through worse & have come out on top...they've even gotten married! They stuck out their issues, together, & made it through the storm.
This isn't a "Woe Is Me", as my bf would say, post. Rather, a post to try to get some of this crap circling around in my head, OUT!

Back "In Draft"

2008-09-19T16:59:00.002-05:00

Just realized that I have 17 "Draft" posts...sup with that?!?

It doesn't help that my computer crashed. Actually, it's making EVERYTHING WORSE!
Why I'm so attached to my computer I really don't know. But, I missed it! It would make everything that is going on around me more bearable if I had it!

In HIDING!

2008-09-19T14:34:00.003-05:00

I do this frequently!! I am currently in hiding. I don't want to be bothered with anyone or anything! Probably because of stress, I haven't gone back on my meds like I said I would, I have to move out of my parents asap, I have to go back to work, just took a leave of absence from schol so that I can go back to work, and to top it ALL off...MY LAPTOP CRASHED!!!
I feel like NOTHING!
I HAVE NOTHING!! SLOWLY SLIPPING INTO DEPRESSION...but, trying hard to fight it.
I'm really upset that I had to stop school to go back to work.
Trying to divise another plan, outside of my original plan, that would make sense to me, in my head, so I won't feel as bad.
I don't think that I'm upset, more like disappointed in myself.
Just had an anxiety attack, in the office I'm training in for my new job...I went to the bathroom & cried it out...but, apparently it's still all over my face. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!
Why does it seem like EVERYONE ELSE has it all together? I WANNA BE TOGETHER!

Anxiety Attacks

2008-09-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

This week alone, I've had 4! I'm actually in the middle of one now. Large changes trigger it, HELL, small changes are triggering it now. Just popped 3 Xanax, hopefully it'll calm me down. I'm in front of family & don't want them to see, but I never did hide my emotions well.

Touching

2008-09-07T14:18:00.000-05:00

I have recently noticed that I relate emotions directly to touching. So, for instance, if my bf doesn't touch me, I immediately think that there is something wrong, or that no matter how much it's said that he loves me, I don't believe it.
Maybe I've been deprived hugs as a child, I don't know. Touching can mean, holding my hand, my foot touching his as we sleep, or a kiss on the forhead, but if I'm not being touched, in some way, frequently, then I don't feel like you care.
Be honest with me...is this twisted?

Sad

2008-09-02T19:01:00.002-05:00

I've eaten all the chocolate my stomach can take.
Could barely eat a complete meal.
Didn't bother attending school today.
I'm so incredibly sad, I just don't know what to do.
I'm crying as I'm writing this because there is nothing I can do but sit here and watch as what I tried so hard to build falls apart into, almost, invisible pieces.
I've asked everyone what I should do and the answer remains the same...there is nothing more I can do.
THANK GOD FOR MY PDOC APPOINTMENT TOMORROW...MAYBE SHE'LL BE ABLE TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER...

???

2008-08-28T20:48:00.003-05:00

How is it possible that I've been able to start & complete two books since Monday, study, take, and pass my finals, but have not had the ability to write/blog???

I DON'T GET IT!

My Promise Project, Pt. 2

2008-08-28T20:47:00.000-05:00

I have not forgotten about "My Promise Project".

MY PRESIDENT!!!

2008-08-25T14:36:00.001-05:00

THE RESULTS ARE IN...

2008-08-04T14:52:00.003-05:00

I AM OK!!! NO CANCER HERE!!!
YAYYY ME!!

So, the biopsy concluded that the tumors were benign. I was so happy when I found out, all I could do was sleep!!! LOL! This past weekend had to be the most REAL sleep that I've had in the last 2 mths. The doctor's did notice, however, that the tumors are growing & multiplying. They want to remove them, so I have to go back on Friday to let them know when/if I want to do the procedure. The answer will than likely be no. I have a separate post to exlain why!

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOUR WELL WISHES & PRAYERS AS I AM POSITIVE BETWEEN GOD & ALL OF YOU, IT'S THE REASON MY RESULTS ARE WHAT THEY ARE!!!

LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

THANK YOU!

2008-07-30T06:28:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to pause, and say THANK YOU for all of the extra hugs, I have 316...WOW! THAT'S ALOTTA HUGS!!! For all of the encouragement feedback via comments and emails, and even a few blog posts just for me. It means a lot that I have support, even from the Netherlands...which I think is wayyyy cool! LMBO!!!

My final test results come in on Friday, and we'll go from there!

I'll let you know the moment I know!

Grace & Peace

Amber Anique

Locking Up

2008-07-30T06:15:00.003-05:00

I'm a little weirded out! A part of me, which I think is the better part of me, although very time consuming, is my OCD. Most people wouldn't agree with me, but I kind of like it. I assures me that everything is done, and I know this because it's in a pattern & I triple/quadruple check.

Which brings me to why I'm weirded out. Within the last 2 weeks, I didn't lock the front door twice! What's even more weird is that I distinctly remember locking the door. However, it's been proven that I didn't lock it because I was the only person going in & out. He stayed in those 2 days, and went nowhere near the door. He didn't get upset, or even fuss, he just let me know that I forgot to lock it.

Me on the other hand, I am very disturbed by this! HOW COULD I HAVE NOT LOCKED THE DOOR, BUT TRULY REMEMBER THAT I DID? Does this mean that my OCD is gone?

That's an aactual question, that I would like you all to help me answer. Please feel free to comment on this post as I am very upset by this!

Who Am I?!

2008-07-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

Been having trouble figuring out my identity, who I am.
Me with meds, me without, me with him, me without him, me with my family, me without my family.
WHO AM I, REALLY?
Or maybe it should be, what am I?
Either way, I HAVE NO CLUE!
Which ever way it is, I've noticed that when other people are "involved" in my life, I'm another person. I instantly stop taking care of myself, & start taking care of them! I am no longer PRIORITY! What's up with that?
My family has been telling me this for the past couple of years, and I honestly haven't noticed it until recently, when all of my health issues became serious.
Should I just hibernate somewhere, where no one can find me?
Maybe I'll move to a small town in Alaska. Hmmmm, that's a thought.

Handle With Care

2008-07-22T06:49:00.001-05:00

Over the last couple of days I have gone through HUGE emotional changes. Oddly enough, my ex has been the one there for me, physically. I spent the last 2 days with him, and it was really what I needed & wanted.

I didn't want to discuss being sick. I was tired of talking about it. Every time it came to mind, I'd start crying, and once the waterworks started, it was hard to turn off. I'm in fear! Talking about it doesn't help!!

He looked at me, asked what I was thinking, I said "nothing, I'm ok"...he says to me, "You're lying"...I just stared at him, and nothing else had to be said.
He knew I was afraid, no, he knew I was TERRIFIED! And so, we slept the day away, with him holding me the entire time. No TV, NO QUESTIONS, NO "LET'S TALK ABOUT IT"....

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, IT MADE ME HAPPY! For one entire day, I was able to relax!

Night Time Meds

2008-07-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

I spend my nights in constant fear, crying myself to sleep. If I don't take the meds, I don't fall asleep. Now, it's worse!
I have to go in for testing tomorrow...have you ever been so scared, you can feel the fear in your heart? IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!
I JUST WANT TO SLEEP...MAYBE EVEN BE A LITTLE "NORMAL".
I didn't bring any of my meds with me tonight, I have no clue what I was thinking, or if I was thinking.
I walk around with a face, as to say "everything is ok", but it's not! I've informed family & friends as if it's not a big deal...but it really is. I'M TERRIFIED!!!
I don't want to scare them...so, I put the face on. But, it doesn't help me AT ALL!!
WHY ME?!?
I can tell you one thing, if I had my fucking meds with me, I'd be sleeping & not thinking of my fear, & not crying myself to sleep right now.

WHAT NOW?!?!

2008-07-19T14:27:00.002-05:00

If nothing else, I can honestly say that my life has been an interesting one.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital to get the results of my tests from Monday, only to find out that I have 2 malignant tumors & 1 benign tumor in my breast.

I think it's fair to say, at this point, that I can't catch a break!!!

I told my stepfather about it, and he was, of course, at a loss for words. He did tell me, like everyone else I had to notify, that "we'll get through this". WHO THE HELL IS "WE"?!?

I have to "get through this"....just as I had to get the results BY MYSELF!!!

I understand what everyone is trying to tell me, but, all of this is happening to ME, not WE!!!

Told my parents, in NYC, when they got home. My father hasn't spoken to me since, my stepmother doesn't know what to say.
Spoke to my mother, who lives in Vegas, she sounded upset & had to get off the phone.

My "support", or the "We" in this has completely shut down. IT'S JUST ME!!

I have breast cancer & I'm mentally ill...not thinking that this is a GREAT combo!

I wonder.....how is one supposed to react when they find out someone they love has cancer?
Do you think they should be informed at all?

Gaining Weight

2008-07-16T18:40:00.002-05:00

As of last Thursday, the end of my relationship, I weighed 117lbs. I don't know how, or when, it happened, but, it did. I didn't even realize it until my parents pointed it out to me. I'm thinking it was stress. My parents could read my body, and my face, that I wasn't happy, but, I couldn't see it. Or, maybe, I didn't want to see it.
Either way, I'm not there anymore. I'm staying with my parents for the next couple of weeks, and then, I am moving back to Atlanta! YAYYY!!!! At first, I wasn't so sure that it was the right move for me, but now, as the days go by, I can honestly say that it's for the best. New Yourk City is not the place for the mentally ill. Not to say that Georgia is the best place to be...but, it sure as hell tops NYC.

I digress...The title of this post is "Gaining Weight" because as I said before, as of Thursday of last week, I was down to 117lbs.
I am please to let you all know that I have gained 3lbs since then. I'M UP TO 120LBS!!! THAT'S HUGE!!! I'm working on putting on a max of 10 additional pounds. I know that being south with my family will definately put it on...hopefully in the butt region, lmbo!!!

Later!

My Promise Project

2008-07-14T18:18:00.003-05:00

The early & untimely depature of our Dear Friend Dobro, has put me in deep thought.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I was scared. Scared for Me, Butterfly, Dobro, & ALL OF YOU trying to manage life with a mental illness.
I was in shock when I was informed of Dobro's death...and then, I cried. I cried HARD! Why?! Because, it could have been me. It still can be. It could've been YOU!
There is never a way to tell what is really going on with any one person. We all with hold information from friends, loved one's, doctor's, and even our blogger family with fear of being judged. The frustration of it all, and keeping it bottled up makes a person do irrational things, but, it seems rational to that person at that time.

This is "My Promise Project"....
I am an advocate for Mental Illness! I will create awareness...I will also document it. The world needs to know, and I am going to create a way to be the voice! Not just for Autism, but for MENTAL ILLNESS AS A WHOLE!!!

Assistance Please...

I can't do this alone. I am smart enough to know that I can't take on the world, by myself, and win. HELP ME HELP YOU AND OUR LOVED ONES!!!

THIS IS SERIOUS!!!

2008-07-13T21:07:00.002-05:00

I just received a text message from my BFF, she was telling me that a fellow blogger, Dobro, committed suicide on the 8th of this month.

While we are waiting on 100% confirmation, it appears that it may be true!!

There are A LOT of people who take Mental Illness VERY lightly. Mental illness is a serious issue in the world! Not just America, but, the ENTIRE WORLD!

To act as if it doesn't exist, speaks very poorly on the human race as a whole!!

Moving Back to Atlanta

2008-07-13T12:58:00.002-05:00

It's been settled....

I am moving back to Atlanta.

Long story VERY SHORT!
We broke up, I'm sick, my family thinks I'll be better off in the South, I'm moving in less than 2wks.
I could get more detailed, but who really cares?

Update

2008-07-09T19:35:00.003-05:00

Not so good over here...but, it may start looking up!

God is good!! And, I'm sure that there is a reason why I am going through all of this mess. What the reason is, I don't know. But, THERE IS A REASON!!!

I'll update you when I get home this evening.

More Faith

2008-07-02T12:03:00.002-05:00

Well, I was sinking, THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS & FAMILY!!!!
Honestly, my faith was waivering...OH BOY!!!
But, then I thought to seek knowledge from 2 of my best friends, who also happen to be spiritual. While they both gave me scriptures from the Bible to read...one sent me the following via email........

You Shall Not Die, But Live!

It’s a wonderful day to be a child of God. My brother, my sister, as I was driving to church yesterday I began to think about my life and how faithful God has been to me. Even when I was knowingly doing wrong, the Lord was still faithful. When I was plotting and planning to do ungodly things, He still kept watch over me. There were times when things appeared out-of-control. Money was low, friends were few, life seemed meaningless. I remember contemplating suicide because I thought it was an easy way out. Do you realize satan is cunning? he is good at making you feel worthless. I can recall times when I made up my mind to end it all. Truthfully speaking, everytime I tried God would intervene. He would never allow me to do harm to myself.
Today, I have been commissioned to come and minister to you. I know how it feels to wonder if anyone really cares about you. I know how it feels to question the loyalty of family and friends. I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep at night, only to wake up the next morning still crying. I know how it feels to walk the floors wondering if or when God would show up. I can relate to what you are going through. BUT, I also know even if God shows up at the last minute, He is still on time. Could it be possible that you are giving up too soon? Could it be possible that your clock is set to a different time than God’s? The Bible declares in Psalms 37:25 - I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. My friend, You Shall Not Die, But Live!
Beloved, now is not the time for you to give up on the Lord. He is able to come see about you. Just because He has not shown up when you thought He should have, does not mean He will not show up. During this season, your faith needs to be stable. The enemy desires to do anything, use anyone, and say whatever it takes to destroy you. Today, I declare and decree in the name of Jesus that You Shall Not Die, But Live! Child of God, I speak life into your spirit. According to Mark 11:23 - For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
Scripture Reading for Today: Read God’s Résumé
(He can handle whatever you experience)

I LOVE YOU SHAWNTE FOR SENDING THIS TO ME!!! AS ALWAYS, HE, & YOU WERE RIGHT ON TIME!!!

A Move to Be Made

2008-07-02T11:56:00.001-05:00

I just spent all morning on the phone with my family.

It looks like within the next couple of months, I may be moving. I'll keep you all posted as to what's going on....maybe this will help me!!

I GIVE UP!!!

2008-07-01T14:35:00.002-05:00

Fear is overwhelming....I must say, I'm not taking this too well!!!
Every chance I get I'm crying. In between crying, I'm staring off into space...not really looking at anything...just thinking "why me?!?".
I don't think that anyone REALLY GETS IT!
ONCE AGAIN....I'M ALL ALONE!!!
I found myself not wanting to wake up the other night, so, I took 7 Xanax....CLEARLY THAT DIDN'T WORK!!!

Don't misunderstand me, as weird as this may sound, I wasn't trying to commit suicide...I just didn't want to wake up.
I'm TIRED of the meds, tired of the doctor ALWAYS GIVING ME BAD NEWS, tired of the pain & the fear, thru with having to explain it all!!!

I know that I don't know the results yet, but I'm tired of having to go through all of this! You know, no one in my immediate family gets anything but a cold....& they rarely get that. IT'S ALWAYS ME!!!
I love my family, & I don't wish ANY OF THIS ON THEM....but, I do wish that I didn't have to take this on myself.

Did I do something wrong to deserve this?? If so, I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE!!!

Hospital Visit..Again

2008-06-28T15:22:00.002-05:00

It seems like there is always something wrong with me. Now, I have a few masses in my breast. One of them was found 2 months ago, & the doctor told me that it wasn't a big deal, that we were just going to watch it. Ok, cool!!

A month later, I get another 2, that I found myself..AND THEY HURT LIKE HELL!!!

Since I still have health insurance until Monday, my bf made me go have them checked out. We went to the ER...I HATE IT THERE!!!
Only to find out that I have extra masses in my breast, and now I have to go back to the Breast Clinic to have a needle biopsy done on the bastards.

I'M DEPRESSED!!! I HATE THE WAY I FEEL, EVEN MORE, I HATE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS ALONE!!! Bf can't understand why I'm so upset & scared, and I'm too upset & scared to even bother trying to explain. After everything that he's seen me go through, why doesn't he just know???

I Find Myself...

2008-06-28T10:54:00.002-05:00

* Questioning what I know to be true..
* Frowning frequently..
* Going out of my way to help people, who would never help me...
* Staring at nothing, ALOT...
* Missing him...
* Racing against time...
* Not being able to explain much of anything because it's all stuck in my head...
* Not wanting to die, but, praying for another life...
* Wondering, how other people "seem" to have it so easy, as I struggle...
* Wanting to reach out for help, but, there is no one, physically, there...
* Feeling like I need MORE, and wondering why I don't have it...
* Praying for a funny joke, just so I can remember how it felt to smile again....

Fighting For My Rights

2008-06-23T18:44:00.003-05:00

For the most part, if I ever leave a job, I try to leave quietly...without any sort of uproar or comotion. In all the years, and all of the jobs I've had, all of my attempts have failed.

Why do people feel the need to shit on your name is beyond me!!!

This time, they are not going to get away with what they did. Honestly, if they would have written the separation notice correctly, I would have signed it and walked away. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

They just had to lie on me!!! Why lie? Why? Because they think I'm a nice, sweet, stupid ass person that doesn't understand what the hell just happened here!!! Unfortunately for them, they didn't realize that I'm not dumb, I just dumbed down for the position. It was a brainless job, that offered me a steady paycheck each week. It was also convenient for school, only 3 blocks away.

But, as the days go on, the more pissed of I get thinking about how I was treated. I'm a cool person...just give me my work and a corner & leave me alone....

I hate being put in this position! NOW I MUST FIGHT!!! FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!

When I'm Racey

2008-06-21T15:09:00.002-05:00

I like to write - blog.
There is never a specific topic, just something to say that I'm able to focus on something...ANYTHING!
Right now is one of those times. I lost my job the other day, and while it doesn't surprise me in the least bit, their reasoning for letting me go is appalling!!! They're basically claiming that I'm a damn thief!!

I AM NOT!!!

They said that I falsified a listing, which is not true, in order to increase my pay. FIRST...EVEN IF I DID FALSIFY THE LISTING, IT WOULDN'T HAVE CHANGED SHIT ON MY PAY!!! THE BONUS STRUCTURE WAS SET UP IN A WAY THAT I WOULD HAVE TO HAD DONE THAT 50 TIMES IN ORDER FOR IT TO HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL!! SECOND...I HAD PROOF THAT IT WASN'T FALSE...HAD BEING THE KEY WORD...THEY TOSSED ALL OF MY PAPERWORK THAT I HAD ON TOP OF MY DESK. FUCKING LIARS!!

Now, I'm back at home trying to focus on school & studying & I'm so pissed that my mind won't slow down. Everything that I've studied over the past 3 days has left my brain...THIS SUX!!!!

Better Days

2008-06-19T11:25:00.002-05:00

So, I'm in school now, and it's hard, but, I'm enjoying it!!
But, yesterday, I got fired!!!
Yup, Me!
Not upset because I was expecting it, later rather than sooner, but expecting it nonetheless!
I've been preparing for it...interviewing & stuff. But, that job was a simple, brainless job, that was MEGA CONVENIENT FOR SCHOOL!!
What now? Not completely sure. Bf wants me to not work & focus on school...but, I know that's not gonna happen.
I'm looking back into Fit Modeling. Now I have the time to look around. I just hate being in a situation that I can't control!!
I'm working hard on not being depressed...bf is watching me. Yesterday, after I found out, he spent the rest of the day trying to make me laugh, and joking with me. It worked yesterday...but, today, it may not work. I'm silent and that worries him!!!

New & Not So New

2008-06-13T14:32:00.002-05:00

I've been sheltering myself, so there isn't a whole lot going on at the moment.

I'm still working, although I am on 90 day probation. LOL!! It's funny, but not. I can't seem to make it in to work on time. My thoughts...if I ALWAYS have my work done quickly, efficiently, and wayyyy before the day is over, WHY MESS WITH ME!?!?
Apparently, they fail to realize who I am. So, after being written up several times, they finally found onE that would make me put in the extra effort to make it in before/by 9am.
The latest one said that for each time I'm late, within the next 90 days, they are going to dock me $50.00. WHAT!?!?

Ok, searching for a new method to get to work, because the old one seems to get me in trouble all the time.

So, now, I'm paying a little bit extra money to take the express train into the city, just to assure myself that I make it to work on time.

If they just allowed me to come in at 10am instead of 9am, everyone would have been happy. But, since it's not my company, I guess I have no say. OH WELL!!!

The Most Scared EVER!

2008-05-30T15:28:00.004-05:00

I think one of the things that scare me the most is my weight loss. I weigh 122lbs & wear a size zero.
It's both scarey & frustrating. I can't fit anything that I own. Everything is falling off of my ass. Thank God I can play it off with the hundreds of pairs of shoes that I own, but still. I have spent alot of money on my clothing, only for me to go through a good portion of my clothes & find that it appears as if most of my clothing is a size 8.

I guess I could use this as an excuse to go shopping...Yes?

How I'm Doing

2008-05-29T19:31:00.002-05:00

Not good....

Considering going off of medication. I don't want to be this way forever!!! I can't tell if I was happier off of meds than on. But, I know it was different. I had more energy, I was always on time, I smiled alot..even when I wasn't completely happy.
I didn't sleep alot, but I know when I did, finally, fall asleep, I was rested.

Lately, I haven't even been able to complete a complete thought, which is why I haven't been able to blog.

I just had something that I really wanted to say...but, I forgot what it was...so, I'll be back when I remember.

I Love Them Both

2008-05-25T12:54:00.001-05:00

There is no room to question my love of my boyfriend or his son!! I LOVE THEM BOTH!!!
BUT, WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! WHAT ABOUT MY HAPPINESS?!?!? WHO'S LOOKING OUT FOR ME?!?!

It Wasn't An Impulse

2008-05-10T20:02:00.001-05:00

It's something that I know I need to do for me to get where I want to be.
Today, I went and re-enrolled for school.
Here's my thought....I work down the street from my job. Why can't I leave a few minutes early for school?
My biggest concern is my meds....& how this SEVERE schedule & life change will affect me. This is something that I NEED TO COMPLETE!
I've never really completed anything...I do have a little bit of a support system now, but I know I can't count on them ALL OF THE TIME!
This is a CHANCE that I'm taking....
WISH ME LUCK!!!

The Results Are In....

2008-05-06T10:28:00.002-05:00

I officially weight...120lbs.

I don't know how I did it!
I promise you, it wasn't on purpose!!!
I make extra effort to only eat junk!!!
My pdoc said that maybe I should start thinking about changing my meds. She said that it's the Concerta that is making me lose so much weight. While I know this is true, I REFUSE TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE!!! I REFUSE TO STOP TAKING WHAT WORKS FOR ME, AND BE USED A FREAKING TEST DUMMY, AGAIN!!!!

SO...what now?!

I don't know...but, Concerta works...THIS I DO KNOW!!!

WHAT AM I DOING?!?

2008-05-02T12:32:00.002-05:00

I DUNNO!!!

I haven't been to the pdoc in a month. Yeah, I know, I should have gone. But, I really didn't feel like going. I'm just not in the mood to discuss all f the things that are going wrong. I don't feel like having someone MAKE me face the realities that is my life. I'd just rather deal with them when I'm ready. When will I be ready? Who knows! But, I know I need to come up with a good excuse by Monday. I have to see the pdoc & tdoc on Monday in order to re-up my meds....SHUCKS....

The scariest part for me, I think, is the weigh in...I know I've lost a lot of weight, but I'll find out the actual number at the docs office. The last time I weighed myself, I was 125lbs, in a size 4....well...I'm a bit smaller than that now.
OK, "a bit" i an understatement...I don't know how much I weigh, but I do know my size is between 0 & 1.... :-0

Is that REALLY BAD?!?

My weight loss is noticeable, however, family, friends, co-workers, and my "bf" claim that I don't look sick...just very small.

I'll post pics, before & after soon...and you can tell me.

Overwhelmed

2008-04-24T08:29:00.003-05:00

This is what I do!!
When things aren't going well in my life, I consume myself with work.

Hi! My name is Amber Anique, and I am a Work-a-holic!!!
Sometimes it works to my benefit, like I am able to occupy my free time at work doing actual work...and, prior to my 3 month anniversary, I received a raise...YAYYYY ME!!!

I'll have to let you know in a bit how this is not a positive thing!

Feeling....Hmmm....

2008-04-09T10:04:00.002-05:00

Not good or bad at the moment. I guess that's a small upside to my extremities.
Right now I am focusing on me. Apparently, according to my family and friends, it's something I've never done before. Odd, because I thought I did all of the time.
I am no longer in a relationship, which, as of now, I think it may be a good thing.
We broke up on Friday, and so far, I seem to be taking it very well. I guess it helps that I am swamped with work.
I miss him & the baby SO MUCH.
When I wake up, I find myself trying to figure out where I am, and why that alarm is going off. After 20 minutes of trying to adjust, I realize, I don't live with him, he's not next to me the wall is, I won't lean over him and kiss him goodbye as I'm walking out the door to go to work. When I get off from work, I won't go back to "our" apartment...rather, I'll be going to my room in my parents house.
I love him, and I always will...I guess this was just the wrong time for "us".

I'm sad & heartbroke....but, I'll be ok....IT'S "ME" TIME!! LOOK OUT WORLD!!!

Allergy Meds That Can Lead to Suicide?!?!

2008-04-03T09:18:00.004-05:00

So, depression has been getting the better of me, despite the fact that everything seems to be getting better.
It's like having another job...on top of being a girlfriend, a "step-mother", a sister, a daughter, and making an attempt to take care of self....I'M EXHAUSTED!!!! WHEW!!! LMBO!!!

Anyway, in my best efforts, I've been keeping up with my blogger family, only to come across Marissa's post on Singulair.
VERY DISTURBING!!!
I've been taking Singulair for the past few years due to an annoying stress cough. After reading this post, I decided to come off of it for a little while and see what happens. What I do remember is when I wrote the post, Suicidal Thoughts, I had taken 2 pills just before I started having those feelings...Connection?!?! I don't know, but, it's worth researching!!! I'll keep you updated, as I continue to cough.

Suicidal Thought

2008-03-25T16:39:00.003-05:00

I had one the other night, more specifically, I had it on Saturday.

I try to stay in good spirits, but it's hard when the person around you is constantly miserable.
I understand where it's coming from, but, at the time, I didn't see how it was affecting me, until that thought came about.

As we laid in bed, him in a DEEP sleep, and me, just watching him sleep, it happened...
If I took some extra pills, I could go peacefully....
I would give my life so that he wouldn't have to feel anymore pain, sorrow, or sadness....
I could do it, and he would be better...then everything could go back to normal for him....

As silly as it may seem...this is really what I was thinking. That's where I was that night. It was all I could think about...but, I didn't do it.

Why?!?!

Because, first, why am I putting more value on his life than my own?
Then, I thought, the only one I sould be sacrificing my life for is God.
After, I thought about my family....How would they feel about it?
Finally....would that make him happy/better...or would it further depress him as I took my life for him, and beside him, and there was nothing he could do about it....It would have been his fault.

I'm ok now, I even seperated my emotion from his, which was hard.
But, now, how will this effect the relationship? Is this another Season?
God, please help me.....

Insurance

2008-03-25T16:30:00.002-05:00

In about a month, I will have medical insurance.
Normally, I'd be excited, but I just found out more detail about our companies coverage, IT SUCKS!!!
I'm going to be paying $200/mth, and my OBGYN isn't listed with them.
So, that means I'll have to search for another one?!?! WHAT?!?!
I love all of my doctors, and have been with them forever. To search for a new one is shear torture!!!
The only good thing about me having the coverage is that when I get it, I'll be able to get more Singular for my annoying stress cough. Yup, it's back. And, honestly, this time, I think I'm doing it to myself...errrr, maybe I did it to myself all of the other times also....but, why blame myself if I don't have to? LOL!!!
Anyway, other than that my life is pretty still, THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!
I'm HEAVY in prayer for my other ailments....but everything is seemingly A. O. K. That works for me at the moment.

I am having some anxiety and impulsive thoughts/feelings...but, have worked extra hard not to act on them.
I'm trying!!!

Work

2008-03-22T17:18:00.000-05:00

I left work early, again, today. I have a problem with sitting there and having nothing to do. It's such a waste of time, & life. It frustrates me to the point I feel like I'm going crazy.
I realize that a major part of it has to do with my inability to pace myself, but geezzzzz!!!!
Can I get some work over this-a-way.
I am a work-a-holic, which means you need to pile things up for me to do, I really don't mind!
This past Wednesday I had to cover someone else's territory & take care of my own....it was the most fun I had since I've been there! Give me more days like that!
I get to work at 9am, and generally have completed my work by, or before, 12pm.
If they don't have anything else for me to do, why can't I leave early? What am I staying for?!

Get Punched in the EYE!!!!

2008-03-22T13:58:00.002-05:00

I REALLY DO LIKE MY JOB....I USED TO THINK IS WHAT THE BEST JOB OUT THERE, FOR ME, AT THE MOMENT. NOW...I FEEL OTHERWISE.

Ok, so maybe I'm going a bit over the top, but hear me out first.....

A bit of background info.....

I work in a small office in the city for an online, no fee, apartment listing company. My job is to update listings...basically, I make sure that the apartments are still vacant. So, I call & send out a ton of emails daily.
When an owner/company doesn't respond within 10 days, I remove them from our site, and set them up to be recalled 4 days later.
I don't do the recalls....someone else has that job.

That said person, has a quota to meet...their job is to contact the owners/companies and put them back into our database.

Here's what happened....

I removed a company from our database, who apparently has caller ID, because I couldn't get in touch with them. This company had around 27 aparments listed with us....it's kind of a large number.
Anyway, since the number was so large, my manager had me continue calling from other phones, and blocking the incoming number until they answered. I, of course, said fuck 'em...pardon the language.
Finally, around 3 or 4 days later, someone answered the phone. I made it very clear that I would not repost their information to our site if I can't have their cooperation. The lady agreed, and gave me her personal info so I could reach her and get the updates that I need.
I went into our database, and one by one, started reposting....not alot of work, but it's very time consuming.
After reposting, I continued about my day.

Toward the end of the day, I received a call from a very annoying customer, I'm not the only one who feels this way. He wanted information on apartments, which isn't an issue, but he calls everyday and then gets annoyed if I am busy and need to call him back. Meanwhile...he hasn't paid for the service, we're doing this strictly off of GP.
My manager told me to give him some listings from the comapany that I just reposted. He said let him be their headache since they gave us a headache.
I go into our database and what do I see?!??!

DUDE, that has the job of reposting, WENT INTO THE SYSTEM, ERASED MY NAME, AND ENTERED HIS.
THEN, HE HAD THE NERVE TO HAND IT INTO THE MANAGER TO GET CREDIT FOR IT.

WHAT?!?!? AWWWWW CRAPPPPP....WE 'BOUT 2 HAVE A FIGHT!!!!!

I confronted him, in front of my manager, and asked him what was going on with that particular account.
He says...."Oh, yeah, I just went in and put my name on some of them."

DUDE MUST HAVE BUMPED HIS FREAKIN' HEAD!!!!

I looked at my manager, and I think I must have turned 3 shades lighter....I was about to flip out!!!

Keep in mind, this company holds no monetary value for him or I. However, we are required to be at a certain percentage each day. And, it's the principal of the whole thing....THERE ARE PRINCIPALITIES IN THIS!!!! LMBO!!!

My view....

HE STOLE FROM ME, HE TOOK CREDIT FOR WORK THAT I DID....HE MUST BE FIRED...OR I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PUNCH HIM IN THE EYE & GIVE HIM A FAT LIP!!!
My boss made me calm down and said he'd take care of it. He knew how the account was gotten back, and he would correct it....BUT DUDE IS STILL WORKING HERE!!!!!

If his theiving tail isn't gone by the end of this week....I'm gonna use his hair to dust the floor!!!! WORD!!!

A Little on the Busy Side

2008-03-22T13:53:00.002-05:00

Just a little...not alot!
I'm still actively taking meds & going to therapy once a week. I'm doing alot better, and I actual enjoy my job!!!!
I don't make a ton of money...but, it's decent pay, and I don't think about it when I go home. I leave work at work....so, I'm able to keep my sanity, go home to my love and just focus on us.
This is the first time I've ever been able to do this, and it is an incredible feeling.
I still have my "moments", which I will go into later, however, I they have been few and far between.

This is my HAPPY POST!!! :-)

Thanks Daddy-s!!!

2008-03-15T13:27:00.004-05:00

I have two father's.....and, today, I just have to say thank you to both of them!

I couldn't have asked for a better support system today. I didn't know what to do. All I could do is shed tears of frustration.
Through all of this, they were able to hear me....and, really, for once, I was able to HEAR them!

I spent all of this morning popping Xanax, to no avail. What I was seeking was that calm that allows you to think, and feel, rationally. It didn't happen. I think I started taking them after my anxiety attack was already in full gear...stupid!!!

My Daddy in NYC, held me, as I cried, asked what was wrong, and assured me that everything was going to be ok.
My Daddy in South Carolina called me and reminded me of who was important, and that I had to take care of me first.
That's something I often forget.
They both told me that I will have their full support no matter what my final decision is. I knew that already....but, sometimes, it feels better for it to be confirmed.

They don't read my blogs....but, I had to let you all know how grateful & lucky I am to have 2 of the BEST FATHER'S IN THE WORLD!!!

I'm An Extremist

2008-03-15T12:57:00.003-05:00

There is no gray area with me....it's either Right or Left...Up or Down...Black or White....THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN!!!

Which means that the end result for me, for some, may not be the most rational. But, to me, it makes COMPLETE SENSE!!

This morning, I packed up and moved out.
Why?!
Because he didn't get home until 8am....
Where was he?
Somewhere gambling....

The problem isn't completely what he did....but more of the fact that he didn't call me. For me to know that he was ok...or to ask if I was ok.

So...after many calls, one voice message, several texts, and calling several local hospitals....I packed up & left!!
I didn't want to hear an explaination...to me, THERE IS NONE!!!

I'M TIRED OF BEING NICE & NOT BEING APPRECIATED!!!! SCREW SUGARCOATING!!!!! LET'S BE REAL!!!!!!

TINA TURNER DUDE!!!!

I'm not saying it's completely over....we talked after my rage allowed him to speak.
What I am saying is that certain things aren't working, & in order for me to continue in this relationship the things that aren't working need to be fixed...or that's it for me!!!

As I Sit Drinking A Pepsi

2008-03-11T15:10:00.002-05:00

I'm going to regret it later....BUT BOY DOES IT FEEL GOOD GOING DOWN!!!
Yup, I'm still doing things I know I shouldn't....but, I'm also doing what I'm supposed to....does that balance things out?

HELLO!!!

2008-03-08T16:23:00.002-05:00

I know, I'm slacking, for real!!!
I don't have any excuses....other than the fact that I'm doing ok.
I'm am the extremist!!!
It's either one extreme or the other. I'm either blogging all the time, or not at all. I'm trying to find a balance, but this has always been difficult for me. Now that I'm working again, it's the same "workaholic" mentality that everyone knows and loves, lol....SARCASIM, OF COURSE!
The good thing about my job is I don't, and can't, take my work home with me. So, no more sleeping with Profit & Loss Statements for me. I only sleep with my boyfriend :-)
THAT'S A VERY GOOD THING!!!
For the most part, I am very happy. I'm a little more stable, probably because I make sure I take my meds, EVERYDAY!

I do have a few things to update you on, and since it's such a sloppy day out, I think we'll be staying in tonight, so, I should be able to get in a few posts.

Hang tight for a sec......

Went to visit my GYN

2008-03-02T08:28:00.002-05:00

Was time for a check up. I'm so glad I did!!
I LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!
Even though I had to pay the expense out of pocket, it was well worth the feeling of comfort & acceptance!!

I haven't gone to see him since October of '06....& with my white blood count being such a major for my pdoc & tdoc, I figured I'd get an opinion I'd trust. Of course since I haven't seen him since I've been completely on meds, I had to give him a run down of the what's & why's.

His response - Amber, I'm so proud of you!

I gave him a "thank you, but why expression"...I always need to know why, lol!!!
He said that he is proud that I decided to find out, from a professional, why I felt the way I felt, & what could be done about it. He went on to give me the statistics, of which I already know, and said that he is proud of the choice that I made.
He then went on to ask me when/how I knew something was wrong. I gave him my history. And, he said...JOB WELL DONE!!!

THIS IS THE TYPE OF ACCEPTANCE THAT WE ALL LOVE!!! JUST KNOWING THAT SOMEONE, BESIDES OURSELVES, BELIEVES IN US & IS PROUD, MAKES US STRIVE TO DO BETTER!!!

Up To Date & Amazed

2008-02-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

I am finally caught up with everyone else's blog. It took some time, but I did it! YAYYYY ME!!!

One of my favorite blogs gave me some very interesting news...in light of Superbowl Season...Herschel Walker is releasing a tell all book called "Breaking Free", that will chronicle his life with Multiple Personality Disorder(MPD).
It seems as if no one in his immediate circle had a clue...which doesn't say a whole lot to me because I know first hand about how people with mental illnesses can hid it.
In my opinion, having a man of his stature write a book about his true SELF is a HUGE STEP in the right direction.

Hospital Visit

2008-01-26T11:39:00.000-05:00

I know I have discussed this before...my White Blood Cell Count (WBC's) is wayyyyy low. My doctor has been beating me in my head, every visit, that I need to go to the hospital to have my blood work redone.
I finally did it! YAY ME? I'M A BIG GIRL? MAYBE....
I arrive at the hospital at 9:30am, and they toss me from department to department not knowing what I need done, despite the fact that I clearly explained what I need done. Apparently the referral that I received was not one that the hospital that they sent me to accepts. So, I decided not to flip out, instead, I promptly got my pdoc on the phone and had them speak with her on the phone. I took my meds that morning, so I was able to remain calm...for a while at least.
The end result, since I was only being sent there to have blood work done, they decided to send me to the Emergency Room. It wasn't that crowded, so I decided to stay. I had no real plans for the day, so I thought that it would be cool.
Oh how wrong I was!!! Apparently, they were so concerned about me that they gave me a bed, put me on IV, oxygen, the heart monitor, and the pulse monitor.
GEEZZZZ!!!! I just came over to drop off some blood!
Then, they tell me that they might have to admit me. WHY??!!! I DUNNO!!! From what I get from the doctor's WBC's are very important. Why, I don't know...and, they won't tell me why. But, they made it out to be a big deal. I still don't get it.
I was there until 4:30pm, until they decided to tell me that it was ok for me to go home.
BUT, MY WBC'S ARE STILL LOW!
The lowest they should be, according to the report is 4.5....mine's is still 2.8....and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
My thoughts, if they didn't admit me...it can't be that bad, RIGHT?!?!

HELLLOOOO!!!!

2008-01-26T11:33:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a hot minute. I'd give you an excuse, but I don't have one, and besides...I think you know me well enough to see through my bullshit, lol. Truth is, I haven't had access to the internet like I usually do, and I haven't gone out to search for a connection. How lazy is that? I know it had nothing to do with my illness, I was just comfortable with resting. I went through all of your blogs yesterday and found that everyone is doing rather well for the most part. I AM VERY HAPPY TO KNOW THAT! Me, I'm doing very well, staying on my meds, with some assistance, going to therapy every week, with some assistance....basically, I have someone with me who holds me accountable for everything I know I need to do. WHAT A BLESSING!!! I don't get away with anything anymore, lol, it's kinda funny, in an odd way, to me. So, let me update you all....

Oh My Goodness!!!

2007-12-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

If I were to tell you what I went through to get to Atlanta yesterday...you'd never believe me! I almost didn't come at all!
If it weren't for my family and friends calling me and texting me...YELLING AT ME...I would still be in my bed in NYC, MISERABLE!!
Why would it be so difficult for me for me to take a flight to Atlanta to see my family you ask?!?!
Well, that would be because of the events that took place the night prior to me leaving. I'd tell you the ENTIRE story, but I think it would just make me go into rage mode again...IT WAS REALLY BAD!! So, I'll give you the extremely short version....
MY BOSS IS A CRAZY, PHSYCO, ASSHOLE!!!
He started this huge argument with me over the fact that I didn't give him a freakin' Christmas card! Apparently, he thought that over the Christmas holiday...I should have thought of him, at least a little bit. WHAT?!?!!? Why would I have done that? He sent me a text message on Christmas Day saying "Merry Xmas"...and so, I copy and pasted the EXACT same message to him.
I think that was more than a sufficient thought! I was with my family, friends, boyfriend....sorry, my boss & work, was the furthest thing from my mind!!
When I got back to work, he did give me a gift...a gift card to Macy's...I thought that was nice of him. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything, so, I said thank you...I appreciate it...and put it away. I wasn't taught to expect gifts...or that it was necessary for me to give EVERYONE I know, including my boss, a gift. You give because you want to give. If I liked him, I would have given him something like a bottle of wine or something...but, I DON'T!!!
Since when are you to expect to receive a gift from someone?!?

Anyway...the minor argument turned into him firing me at 12am! YES, HE FIRED ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A DAMN CARD!
ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE DO THINGS LIKE THAT!!!
Then...the next day, he calls me @ 5:46am....SO FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE...to apologize and say that I can have my job back.
By this time, I had already made myself sick from stress...and my anxiety was in full gear.
I broke out in hives, was throwing up, aching all over, and was sick to my stomach!

But, after resting, most of the day...and listening to my LOVED ONE'S...I re-packed my bags, went to the airport, and was able to catch a flight via stand by.

While I had to recoup all of today...I feel so good that my people's were so adamant about me getting up, leaving NYC, and relaxing with my family. Had they not been that way, I would have fallen into serious depression, and possibly even hurt someone!

Blog Posts

2007-12-26T17:27:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure when I did it, but at some point I must have gone back and posted some of my "In Draft" posts. I'm saying this because now I only have 11 posts in draft, out of 199 posts....WHO'S THE WOMAN?!?! I AM, I AM, LOL!!!!
I still have catching up to do with the other 11, but at least I'm working on it!
LATER!!!!

Sad & Disappointed

2007-12-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

I can't say that I'm completely surprised, but I truly wanted to be wrong about her!
My sister, the middle child from my father, has always shown signs of depression, I just never thought that it would be this bad. Last night my step-mother pulled me aside, in tears, and told me that my sister has been cutting.
WHAT?!? NO, NOT MY SISTER!
I asked her how she knew, she said that my youngest sister told my father, and they saw the scabbed cuts on her wrist. I decided to meet my father outside, while he was walking the dog, to speak to him about it. After all, I love my step-mother, but she is high in dramatics, so I was convinced that there must be some part of the story that she missed. When I made it to my father, I was told that the version of the story that I was given was, in fact, true!
What now!? This is something that no one is truly prepared for, but I am writing this post out of deepest concern and am seeking some advice, other than the obvious, on what I should do now.
Any comment/suggestion would be of GREAT HELP!
THANKS!!!

I Got In Trouble Today

2007-12-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to make any of my scheduled appointments. Why? I'm not sure...there is some kind of disconnect, but I'm not sure where it is. I've missed about three weeks of therapy, and any other appointment you can think of...I didn't show! My laundry even got dropped off a liitle over 2 weeks ago, and I have yet to pick it up. I sure hope they still have my clothes there.

I decided to make myself go to my pdoc appointment today. I mean, after all, I was running low on my meds, lol. I know, funny, but not funny! Anywho...she told me that any other patient would have been discharged by the 3rd no show. Oh, did I mention, I don't call in, show up, answer the phone, or return my messages...because, I don't check them? My pdoc was a bit pissed to say the least...she even talked loudly at me. :-O

She said that had I missed my appointment today, and not called, she would have sent a truck to my house to come and take me...

I DON'T WANNA BE TAKEN!!!

The sad part of all of this is I have no reason, nor excuse, for why I've been doing this. While I wasn't showing up to these appointments, it totally made sense to me, in my head. What's even more sad is what I was doing at the times I should have been elsewhere.

I know..so, now you want to know what I was doing...Well, to be COMPLETELY HONEST....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! For the most part, I beleive I was in my bed, doing nothing, asking myslef if I should have gotten out of my bed to make the appointment.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!?

What Is It?!?!

2007-12-05T19:15:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what my issue is! I'm just unable to sit and blog. Between racey thoughts & anxiety (which is more than clear), I don't know which is worse! I haven't been able to read all of your blogs either. I did some catching up just now, but noticed that alot of you are in the same still position that I'm in...this sucks!!!

Dear Father...pt. 1

2007-11-28T17:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Father,

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'm just going to tell you what's in my heart and my spirit. I love you, and am so very grateful for you and to you. I would not be here if it weren't for you. You have taken me out of so many near death situations that I CAN'T DOUBT YOU! Though me being human, and not with out sin, makes my ask the question "why?" frequently, I know that you have a purpose for me and it assures me that everything is going to be alright.
I am thankful that you have BLESSED me with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I have come in contact with over the last 28 years, for I know it has made me stronger, more loving, and a better Christian.
I know you know where I am today, and exactly how I got here, but I still feel you next to me. My spirit is being tried....but, I remain faithful to you! I have continued to fellowship, worship, and praise YOU! I want, and know I NEED to do more...I am working on that.
I ask that you continue blessing me, my family, my friends, and anyone I have ever come in contact with, for they have assisted me on my path.

Father, I love you....

Your Child,

Amber Anique Basnight

The Dangers of ADHD

2007-11-28T17:12:00.000-05:00

I don't mind that I have ADHD...actually, I think I prefer this illness to others, and I couldn't imagine not having it. The diagnosis was the best part of it. Knowing that it wasn't just "ME" was a huge relief. But, it does come wwith some draw backs. Now that I am on meds, I have no excuse...other than the fact that it may not be enough mg's, but I can do ok with what I have.
Consistancy is my problem, amongst a few others. I am not consistant with taking my meds. I mean, I am ok with the fact that I'll be on them forever and ever Amen. However, I have my days where I don't feel like taking them, or I simply forget, even though I am reminding myself throughout the day to take them.
What happens when I don't take them??
Well, for starters, I am VERY MOODY!! I mean it goes from one mood to the next in less than a second. I, most of the time, if asked how I'm doing, will always answer "I don't know"....because I don't.
Then there is the spontaneous part.
Yesterday, I didn't take my meds...so, I decided that I am moving back to Atlanta next month, December. I started placing phone calls to my family and friends informing them of such, and asking them for assistance finding a quick job there to get me on my feet. Also, keep in mind that I still have no car...nor a place to live. But, yesterday, none of this mattered to me in the least bit! The scary part is, had I had a car, I'd be moving this weekend.
Off meds, you never know what to expect from moment to moment.
On meds, at least you'll get a heads up.
With all of this said, today I woke up and promptly took my meds....which is why I am able to complete this post. Other voices don't tell me not to, my own voice tells me that that particular day isn't a good day to take my meds, so I don't...Maybe I should stop listening to myself...What do you think?!?

2007

2007-11-26T13:07:00.000-05:00

This past year has been an interesting one to say the least. With Thanksgiving just passing, Christmas upon us, and the year coming to an end, I feel the need to really express my Thanks to the people who have not only played a huge part in my life this year....but in my life PERIOD. I will be writing seperate posts for everyone to assure myself that I've covered everything for every topic. This list includes, of course, first, God....and my blog family/friends. I have a lot to say for each person, so please forgive me for the length of each post.

Much Love!
Amber Anique

What I Know

2007-11-16T11:29:00.000-05:00

I know that I'm a GREAT ACTRESS!!! I can't tell you how I know, but I should have won several Oscar's by now. If I feel it and believe it with passion...it becomes so VERY real to me!
And..I can do it without telling a lie! Now, who's better than me?!
Lol! If it wasn't for that whole "fear of rejection" thing, I would be another Halle Berry...or better! :)

I Know

2007-11-08T18:02:00.000-05:00

I need to give you an update. I've been in lala land...no REAL reason not to blog...I just haven't. Been a little overwhelmed with a few things in my life, and need to focus. I guess I'll have to begin somewhere huh?
What's worse is I haven't even been checking on my blog family...I'm the WORST!!!
I pray that everyone is doing well, and I haven't missed too much of your lives!
Promise to get updated soon, and update you all on my goings on...MUCH LOVE!!!!

The Big 5 - 4

2007-10-25T16:35:00.000-05:00

Yup, 54 posts in draft. Why? Because I couldn't focus long enough to complete it. So sad! Or, maybe it was when I was blogging via Blackberry, and saved the posts to draft and never got a chance to post them....well, maybe not so much "not having a chance", but more so, forgetting all about them, so they never got posted. SO EMBARASSING!!!!
Here's a positive twist to it....I still have a lot more to tell you!! :)

Bloop!

2007-10-24T13:32:00.000-05:00

Nothing amazing going on over here.
I am working! It's pretty cool because it's a DUMMY PROOF job! And, I get to wear my favorite outfit! T-shirt, jeans, and flip flops!!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!!
Anyway.....

I went to therapy this morning. I guess since I'm feeling better, my tdoc felt the need to delve into my past and my relationship with my mother, or lack there of.
I told her everything just as calmly as could be, minus any emotion. She was very surprised how I had no visable feeling, and I couldn't understand why she was surprised. I am so over that!!!! I will not allow my life to become a sorrow story as a result of her mistreatment or her abuse!
The tdoc explained how I may start to feel sad/depressed after our sessions because we are bringing up past memories that may be painful....UHHHHH....I DON'T THINK SO!!!
NOT I SAID THE CAT!!!!
NOT THIS TIME!
I've alotted a VERY small area in my mind for my past. It's an itty bitty purple box that has a lock and key. I care not to open it! I won't even share what I would do if I opened it because I don't know...never thought about it.
I'm just gonna stay in my happy place!

Question???

2007-10-20T13:54:00.000-05:00

How many blog posts do you have in draft?
I have 54...I start, then something takes me away from it...WEIRD!
I'm gonna go back and try to figure out what I was trying to say, and post them. CLEARLY, they were important enough for me to begin the post...
What do you think?

2007-10-20T13:46:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, it's been a minute since I've posted. I have no "real" reason as to why I haven't posted. I guess I've been busy enjoying my mind. I'm still blogging in my head....a little annoying, but it just means that I have something to tell you all.
I'm doing pretty good! Not 100%, but I'm thankful to feel semi-Amber "normal" after everything I've been through this year! Of course, you know, I went back on meds...and I'm happy to report that since I've received my Concerta, I haven't missed one day...haven't even considered not taking my daily dosage! YAY ME!!! THAT'S HUGE!
Still, in the back of my head, it sucks to know that I'll be taking meds for the rest of my life...but, I don't mind so much if it enables me to feel better. I'm still waiting to go up to my desired dosage of Concerta, 45 mg, but if I had a choice between what I have now, 36 mg, and nothing...I assure you, I'd stick with what I have. It's just that good!!!

Concerta Update

2007-10-15T19:49:00.000-05:00

Feeling pretty good. Getting used to having clarity. Making some decisions that I wasn't able to make before.
One side effect of Concerta is weight loss. I haven't seen it yet, of course I haven't, it's only been a few days. However, the loss of appetite is already VERY CLEAR! I'm gonna pay close attention to that. Last time I was on Concerta I lost 30lbs in less than 3 mths. Can't let that happen again...maybe 10lbs...not 30!
Other than that...all is good!

2007-10-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

My frustration now is...WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?!?!
Now that I'm to think more clear, I feel like this is the time for me to think about it, & go for it!!!!
Last night I was awake just thinking and starring at the ceiling...
My question to myself is...WHAT IS MY PASSION?
HMMMMM.....I DUNNO!!!
I thought REALLY HARD ABOUT IT!!! REALLY HARD!!!

I haven't made a final decision, but, I think I'm a more audio person than a visual person.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?!?
HELP ME WILL YA!!!

I Forgot...

2007-10-14T19:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't mention what books I picked up the other day. SORRY ABOUT THAT!!!
The 2 books that I picked up from the library was...

* How Starbucks Saved My Life, by Michael Gates Gill

* The Right to Write, by Julia Cameron

I picked up the first one because it caught my eye. I mean...if Starbucks saved ANYONE'S LIFE I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
Turned out to be a GREAT BOOK! I didn't even know that it was a biography until I got to the register....people say, don't judge a book by it's cover, but I say...if the cover calls your name, TAKE IT!!!

The second was recommended by Rylah (thanks ;-) ), I start reading it tomorrow. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I looked over it already, and it seems like a good read!

I've been dying to get the book Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, ever since I saw her interview on Oprah 2 weeks ago. I don't know why...but, I had to have that book!!! I couldn't find the book at ANY library, so, I had to do the right thing...I WENT TO BARNES & NOBLE AND PURCHASED THE BOOK!!! Hey, I couldn't help it, just like the Starbucks book, it said my name.

I finished the Starbucks book, and should be finishing the other two, if not one, this week, and I'll keep you updated.

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

2007-10-12T14:50:00.000-05:00

I feel like a part of my life has been given back! I haven't felt this good about myself, or anything else for that matter, since last yeah. Amazing what the RIGHT meds can do for a person's life and well being!
Today....BETTER....HAPPY!!!!! :)

CONCERTA HEAVEN!!!

2007-10-11T22:57:00.000-05:00

AFTER FIGHTING AND A LOT OF SPAZZING....I FINALLY GOT IT!
I AM IN CONCERTA HEAVEN...SORTA!

So, here's the deal....they gave me 36 mg of Concerta. I should be on 45 mg, but my pdoc said if I take the 36 right now for 15 days, she'll increase my dose!!! YAY!!!!
In less than a month, I'm gonna be "Amber Normal", how exciting is that?!?!
She finally decided to listen to me after my tantrums and me not wanting to talk to her!

Today was my first day back on my Concerta, or any meds for that matter. And, while things are still a little jumbled & racey, everything seems a lot more clear...my thoughts that is. I forgot that I have to take Celexa with Concerta for the balancing effect. I'll remember tomorrow. Concerta, alone, has me jittery and having consistent anxiety attacks all day long. But, it didn't bother me....I'm just happy to know that I'm going to be better VERY VERY SOON!!!!

As always, I'll keep you updated!!! But I assure you, my posts will be a lot more mid tempered, and consistent from now on.
Good night!!! :)

What I Did Today.

2007-10-10T14:51:00.000-05:00

Woke up (9am)

Went to p/tdoc

Went to the library

Had lunch (solo)

Went to another library

Picked up sister

Went to pick up meds at hospital

Spazzed when they wouldn't let me in

Took sister home

Fought traffic to go back to the hospital to get new meds

Picked up step-mother from work

Went home (7:30pm)

WHEWWWWWW!!!! What a day!!!

So Much Done

2007-10-10T13:52:00.000-05:00

Today was an early day for me! I had to get up and go to the p/tdoc today! JUST WONDERFUL!!!

Since I was already out, I decided to do ALL of the things that I needed to take care of.

Over the last week or so, I've been waking up, without an alarm, between 6am & 7am, no matter what time I go to sleep.

I finally figured out what it was. You know when people say "you must have had something on your mind"? Well, normally I would say I don't know, but this was a time that was exactly what was going on.

I've had so many things, people, worries on my mind that it would wake me up.

It was getting annoying. I would keep me up until I finally decided to put a folding table on the side of my bed, because the thoughts in my mind wouldn't go away until I wrote it down.

GEEZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

But, know I have a slew of ideas, that don't relate to each other in any one way...but at least they're not haunting me anymore.

MORE HUGS

2007-10-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

WHOEVER GAVE ME ALL OF THE HUGS TODAY...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

TODAY....I NEEDED THEM!!!!

OK

2007-10-09T19:02:00.000-05:00

So, I'm in the process of looking for jobs elsewhere.

What am I looking for? Well, I found my pattern...out of all the "careers" that I want to do, from second to second, always leads me back to writing. So, I'm looking to write.

What? I don't know, but I want to write. And I want to be able to do this from my personal laptop, anywhere, but REALLY IN A STARBUCKS!

I want to be a writer....any advice/suggestions?

2007-10-09T14:57:00.000-05:00

Getting support from family - NO

Getting support from FRIENDS - NO

Anyone understanding or attempting to help - NO

Do I give a shit? - NOOOO!!!!

I'm tired of explaining, tired of justifying, tired of being judged, tired of crying, tired of racing thoughts ALL DAY EVERY DAY, even more tired of people thinking that they are better than me because they've overcome obstacles in their illness, tired of trusting people who don't deserve my trust, tired of people thinking that I am not trying!!!!

PLAIN 'OLE TIRED!!!! I'm being told that I should do this on my own, when in fact I am. I live with my parents, but I help pay the bills...now that money has been tapped out, I am looking for another job, but my focus doesn't allow me to do it for an extended period of time. I don't have anyone to take care of me, pay my bills, or offer any support...only judgement.....which disgusts me!!!

I don't judge anyone...to each his own...I love my "friends", and even when we were sick at the same time, I WAS THERE!!!! I NEVER PASSED JUDGEMENT, I WAS JUST THERE FOR SUPPORT...WHATEVER WAS NEEDED, OR NOT NEEDED!

I don't need anyone telling me who I should & shouldn't have in my life everyday! I don't do that to them, even if I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE WRONG, OR UNHEALTHY!

Me being alone equates to ALOT OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND EVEN SOME ATTEMPTS!

IS THERE ANYONE THAT'S WILLING TO BE THERE FOR ME? DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE? I'm trying not to run away from my "issues", and not pretend as if my illness doesn't exist.

I don't want a cure, I don't want to act or pretend....I'm stuck because I want to manage it!

It may take me longer than it took others, but, that doesn't make them any better than me...& it doesn't give anyone the right to judge me!!!

My illness doesn't allow me to focus on one thing, I focus on EVERYTHING....SO, NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT I WANT TO DO! IF I KNEW, I'D BE DOING IT!!!

A Book For Everyone To Read

2007-10-08T01:16:00.001-05:00

This is something that has been stirring in my mind to post! I thought it was necessary for people to read! I realize that some people just don't know what to do with me, and low and behold, someone came up with a manual, lol!!! I'm going to get copies for people that are close to me.

Take a look at James' blog, Finding Optimism - Health in Response to Mental Illness.

There is a book called Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend by Lisa J. Copen.

James lists his favorites so far, when my book comes in, I'll do the same.

If you want to order the book, click here.

New Career

2007-10-08T00:52:00.001-05:00

Today, I want to be a make-up artist!

Oh, and the moment I get a chance, I need to purchase a new digital camera! I've decided to take pics of everything asap! And then, I can show you a lot more about me & what I see!

I took my meds, but they haven't kicked in yet, as you can see.

I figured you wouldn't mind me posting bits of nothings that's racing through my head & causing me insomnia. If you do mind, let me know, and I'll try to blog during regular business hours...SIKE!!!!

IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN POST IF I WANT TO, POST IF I WANT TO! :-)

Opinions

2007-10-08T00:33:00.000-05:00

I never said that I was a nice person, however, I do think the post before last was a little harsh...& the one that I said I HATE ALL PEOPLE, yeah, that wasn't very nice either.

Not gonna apologize, I meant what I said, but maybe I could have said it differently?

I'm just tired of having to justify ME!

I wanna move out of NYC...I get.."You know your gonna have to go on a budget", or "Do you have a plan, because you need a plan".

I'M NOT FUCKING STUPID! I KNOW WHAT I NEED! IF I WAS CLUELESS, I WOULD'VE UP AND LEFT BY NOW!

Then I get the people who claim that people get worse when they are diagnosed...or I am phsycosomatic! WORD?!?!

YOU GET DIAGNOSED WITH A FUCKIN' MENTAL ILLNESS...THEN COME AND TALK TO ME!

I DON'T NEED TO HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO ANYONE....DO THE DAMN RESEARCH GET TO KNOW ME, THEN TALK.

I have my flaws just like everyone else in the world...I just handle them differently!

However, my positives out way my negatives, BY FAR!!

How about this one..."Just pray on it"...well, I've been praying on what I didn't know ALL OF MY LIFE! As of my diagnoses, I've been praying for the strength to MANAGE my weakness!

It's not gonna disappear, and I understand that. And, for some reason, God saw fit to give me this "gift". I'm not "dying", although it's been a thought, I'm just seeking the best way to manage my chaotic brain & emotions!

Bottom line - IF YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU SPEAK OF, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I AM NOT YOU! I AM ME! I LOVE ME! IF YOU DON'T LIKE/LOVE ME...THEN EXIT THROUGH THE SAME DOOR YOU CAME IN!

* As I see it, God may be giving me time to prepare for something BIG! I don't question why anymore...I ask how & what! I wish it didn't come in this package, but, who am I to question God's purpose for me, and further more, who are you!?!

**Go on about your life, but be prepared for God's interruption. -Pastor A.R. Bernard

Time

2007-10-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

It's now a little after 11:30pm..

Tell me why I feel like working out (specifically running) & making lasagna right now!?

I don't even like working out, and I HATE RUNNING!

Lately, I've had cooking urges. I wonder why that is!

?!?!?

2007-10-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

Why do I feel the need to make everyone feel comfortable with me being "me"?

I don't share with everyone anymore...I'm very selective! But, I want the people who "love" me to know exactly what I'm up against. I try to explain, and give them sites to research..but everyone just will not "get it". My bff said that I was like that, I denied it. But, after sitting here for the last 30 minutes, I realized she was right! She's right alot...I hate that! LOL!!! She also mentioned that I've gotten soft...WHAT?!?!? WHO?!?!? ME?!?! Yeah, I have, again, she's right!

I used to have an "I don't give a shit, stay or leave" attitude, but now, EVERYONE IS GETTING CHANCE AFTER CHANCE! Even though they, technically, don't deserve it.

So...here goes...STAY OR LEAVE...AT THIS POINT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!! IF YOU REALLY "LOVE" ME, THEN YOU'LL STAY! IF NOT...YOUR SEASON HAS COME AND GONE...ENJOY YOUR BLESSINGS, AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! That goes for ANYONE WHO IS ON THE SHIT LIST!!! MY PATIENCE has left the building, on and off meds!!!!

Come to think about it, I have no reason to be "overly nice" to anyone! No one has done anything different to receive special treatment! As my bff would say...."Don't be sorry, be different"!

TODAY

2007-10-07T16:37:00.000-05:00

I woke up early, 7am....felt like shit! But, I was happy that I was able to wake up that early, w/o an alarm clock. I had a VERY BAD ATTITUDE!!! So, I decided to do the right thing....go back to bed! Maybe, just maybe...my funky ass attitude had to do with me waking up early, as I am not a morning person! I thought it was a good idea! Result...I woke up at 12pm...ATTITUDE WORSE THAN EARLIER!

TODAY, I HATE PEOPLE! ALL OF THEM!!!!!

THE END!!!

Snakes

2007-10-06T12:14:00.000-05:00

I wish I could be like a snake and shed off my old skin. It, to me, would be like shedding off my past and starting a new.

I realize that I have issues with people that have wronged me in the past. It's not that I haven't forgiven them, it's more that I haven't forgotten. And, so I keep them at arms length, as to protect myself. It may not be fair, but it's how I handle it. I have lost many friends, but I'm ok with it. The one's that were meant to come back, are back. I'm blessed for that. But, I'm having an issue with one person...we've been speaking for the last few weeks via IM, and last night, my emotions took over, he mentioned his daughter and her name, and I logged off of instant messenger because I couldn't stop crying. Why? Because, he's an ex, that BROKE MY HEART INTO A TRILLION PIECES! It was over ten years ago, and the pain is still there. Reason - he cheated on me, and had his first daughter with "her".

It's not him I want, it's the fact that it makes me feel BROKEN/INSUFFICIENT a lot of the time. My issue, not his, not my friends, not my family's, not my boyfriends.

I try to front as if not being able to have children hurts me, BUT IT REALLY DOES....IT DOES BIG TIME!! When we were together, at the same time he was making babies elsewhere, we were trying to have a baby. One time we even thought I was pregnant...we went to my doctor only to find out that I had to have surgery on my ovaries, the next day, because of a serious health risk. You should have seen my belly...I looked as if I were at least 4 mths pregnant.

My inability to have children shouldn't be anyone else's issue, but it makes me feel like less of a woman...I mean women were given these organs to procreate. I want to have the same "pregnant glow" that other women have...and they don't even deserve to have a baby. Not to mention ALL OF THE ABORTIONS THAT ARE HAPPENING AT THIS VERY MINUTE!

I AM PRO-CHOICE.....BUT, I WANT THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CHOICE ALSO!

If I were a snake...I'd wanna forget all the dead skin(the past), but remember the lessons....and keep slithering on with life as if nothing happened...A NEW AMBER SNAKE!

HUGS!!

2007-10-05T21:36:00.000-05:00

I have a button on the right side of this blog where you all can give me HUGS!

To date I've gotten 75 hugs. I think you all like me...that makes me SMILE :)!

I wish I knew who was giving me all of the HUGS.....

EITHER WAY...THANK YOU!!! You always HUG me at the perfect time...it's as if you know me!

Government Assistance

2007-10-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

Well, I took the plunge...I am filing for everything that you can possibly imagine!!

SSI, SSD, Medicare, & food stamps...

This is my latest opinion on assistance....

There are people in America who are receiving assistance who really don't need it, or qualify for it. But, they receive checks, so why can't I?

I am one of the people who really need it, but don't really want it. The process is too lengthy...the applications are almost as thick as the Holy Bible...and, even though I am "mentally disabled", I may, still, not qualify. In other words, I may be going through this entire process for nothing...GEEZ!!!

But, what if I do get approved? Then that would help me with my stress at home..at least for the moment!

My tdoc said that she'd help me with all of the paperwork...I hope she's telling the truth because there is no way in the world I can do it alone.

This won't keep me from working, or trying to work. "The Man" said that if I find a job, then I can just cancel the assistance. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, almost too good to be true! We'll see!

Tight!!

2007-10-05T15:02:00.000-05:00

But, not really...Pastor says "expectation leads to disappointment". Boy, was he right on the money with that!
Why did I expect my tdoc to have my meds today?!
-Because she said she would?
-Because we scheduled an appointment for this afternoon for me to pick them up?
-Because she claimed that she asked for a rush delivery which was to come in yesterday, so I would have them today?

It's my fault...why did I trust her? She has done NOTHING to earn my trust! And, still, I pray every night that it'll be ok!

People stink...this messes up my plans for the weekend! I was supposed to go a trade show tomorrow, but I don't think I can take all of the people that's going to be there w/o meds.

I'll try, but I can't promise anything!

Tonight

2007-10-03T22:59:00.000-05:00

I did what I am supposed to do...I took my meds at 9pm. So, why am I still awake?

That's an easy question to answer...drum roll please...BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP MY MIND FROM SPEWING OUT MORE AND MORE IDEAS. And they are specific ideas and thoughts, no no. They are all over the place! Today, I decided I want to take classes for medical transcription and medical coding. My thoughts were, I can take the classes on line, and when it's all done, I can work from home. They make, on average, 40K/yr. I figured, hey, why not?!?

Then I had a conversation with one of my little sisters, and discovered she wanted to study mortuary science when she goes to college. I've always wanted to own my own funeral home, so I got really excited for her & me, then told her that we can have a family business.

My mind changes from second to second...I'm working on it!

That same sister has been talking to herself lately. It's been a concern of mine for a while, and my parents kept saying that it was normal. And, normally, I would agree. However, this wasn't a thinking aloud conversation...it was more like, if you ever walked into the room where she was, ALONE, you would swear there was someone else in there. I would ask her who she was talking to, and she ALWAYS replied...herself. So, in my little sit down with her today, after cracking jokes about everything, from school, to my unwashed hair...I asked her when she talked to herself who exactly is she speaking to. She said that it's another voice in her head. I believe her because I've heard the arguments that she;s had with "herself". There is definitely someone else in her brain. I told her it was ok, and there was no need to be afraid....then asked her why she thinks she hears another voice and she replied that she talks to herself because she had no one else to talk to. I asked if she would be up to talking to someone else, like a "counselor"....and after explaining that the conversations would remain between the two of them, she was totally excited about it! Yup, that was my good deed for the day! I'm glad I spoke to her because she was starting to scare the shit outta me, lol!

How Am I? BLAH!

2007-10-02T19:16:00.001-05:00

Not bad...not good! There hasn't been any improvement, but I haven't had any "spells" over the last few days either. I'm thankful for that. I haven't has any TRUE "spells", mainly because I haven't left my house. I think it's safer for the rest of the world that I stay in my house, at least until I get my new meds.
I've been writing poetry & blogging all day, in my mind...I HATE THAT!!!
RACY THOUGHTS SUCK ASS!!!!

Rebecca Riley Case

2007-10-01T18:28:00.000-05:00

I was watching 60 minutes last night. Katie Couric was covering this case....I was so disgusted by the whole thing, and the way "THE MAN" is handling the entire thing. What do you think?

Just in case you missed it....here it is...

WBC's

2007-10-01T16:31:00.000-05:00

WBC mean White Blood Cells.
Apparently they protect you from infections. This is something that even my 15 year old sister knew. I'm older..I can't remember what they are supposed to do, I just know I should have some.
I went to the hospital for a complete physical, including blood tests.
When my results came back, my pdoc said that my WBC's were "alarmingly low". She requested that I go back to the hospital to have the tests done over.
I asked why...she said that my level was 2.8, and it's supposed to be near 10 or 11. I'd say that it's a little low...just a little.
I agreed to go back the next morning, at 8:30am, to have them retake my blood.
They re-read me the results..it went up to 3. Oh well!!
When I went back to the p/toc's, for some reason the only thing they were focusing on was my WBC's.
They asked if I felt better going into a hospital for a while. So, what did I do...??!?!?!
I gave them their job description, which did not include being an Internist! I told them that the purpose for me coming to see them each week was strictly for mental assistance. If I was sick, I would be concerned about my WBC's, but since I'm not, I could care less!!! I asked if was knocking on death's door (as in, am I dying), they said no....so, I told them that I'll take care of it some other time, and there should be no further conversation about it!!!

I don't recommend ANYONE doing what I did....as a matter of fact, if I was not so mentally frustrated and drained, I might have gotten really nervous. Everyone has their own main health concern. Mine's, at the moment, just so happens to be my mental health. Allow me to get healthier mentally, and I'll take care of the rest!

A Mess

2007-10-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I haven't able to give you an update because I am ALL OVER THE PLACE!! But, that's a whole other story!
So, here it is...
I finally went back to the doctor on Friday. My pdoc was actually there. She had me waiting for 30 minutes. Right before I decided to leave, because CLEARLY THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHO I WAS...my pdoc came out and said that she could see me. WHATEVER!!
Of course, she asked me how I was feeling...and I told her the truth! I've decided to go off of meds because I don't wanna be treated like a guinea pig anymore!
What I found out, via Amber trial and error...ALWAYS TELL YOUR P/TDOC THE TRUTH!!! AT LEAST ABOUT HOW YOUR FEELING! Now, I'm going to be selective of the things I tell them, as far as my experiences, but, if I feel like shit...THEY WILL KNOW ABOUT IT!! I feel like they are the one's making me feel this way anyway, so someone needs to tell them about themselves!
How I handled it - I spazzed on them, and told them EXACTLY how I was feeling, but I never threatened them (which is HUGE for me)! Every chance I got a chance to, I flipped. I made NO EFFORT TO CONTROL MY FEELINGS!! Why? Because every time they met with me, I was controlling every emotion, every feeling...and speaking VERY CAREFULLY, as to not alarm them. I seemed extremely under control, and aware of everything surrounding me. In other words...I continued "the act" as I do on a daily basis.
I have had enough of the act...and even more, I was through with experimenting with different meds!
So, when I went in on Friday....I told my pdoc, No Concerta, AMBER NO TALK-IE!!! IN OTHER WORDS, GIVE ME WHAT THE HELL I ASK FOR BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING!!!!
My pdoc said that she was very concerned about me and to have a seat in the waiting area while she places a few calls.
A few minutes later, she came back and said that she pushed harder, and she'll be able to start me on Concerta in a week!

Honestly, I believe I could've gotten it sooner, but I was scared to be committed so I played being "normal".

I'M ON MY WAY TO "AMBER NORMALCY"!!! YAY MEEE!!!!

She just better have my meds on Friday. I've been off meds too long, and I can't be held responsible for my actions if she tells me they changed their minds about the Concerta!

Blog Rollin'

2007-09-30T17:07:00.000-05:00

Well I have to roll a bunch of other blogs onto my blog!!!! As I do so...ENJOY A LITTLE LIMP BIZKIT!!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!!
OH...& IF YOU ROLL ME, I'LL ROLL YOU!!!!
KEEP ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'!!!!

Hospital

2007-09-25T19:46:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I go in to see my p/tdoc's. If I let them check me in, what happens next? What type of effect does it have on my family & friends...OR ME?!?! What do I tell them...or not tell them?
If my blood work doesn't change, what will that mean for me? I did some research, I don't even want to get into what the possibilities could be, but, it isn't good...although it would explain alot.
Could this be a happy ending or will I just end up more scared and alone?

Ask Me If I Care

2007-09-25T01:31:00.000-05:00

Go ahead...ask me!
My mother isn't speaking to me right now....if I said I cared, I'd be lying my ass off...so, let me just be honest...I can give 2 healthy shits!
I spoke with her yesterday, and she was driving around looking for something to eat for dinner...her in Las Vegas, me in NYC.
I told her that I've been learning to cook over the last few months and she should try it. I told her that it's not as horrible as she made it out to be.
She replied, "Oh please Amber, I used to cook for you kids all the time"....SHE MUST BE SMOKING SOMETHING!!!
Preparing a large pot of spaghetti once a week and having 3 kids eat the same thing all week is NOT cooking....just in case you didn't know!
She claimed that I seem to forget when we stayed with her, now, ex-husband how she used to cook steaks for us and other stuff.
I went on to correct her...she cooked for him....she didn't cook for us! If she doesn't believe me she can ask her other 2 kids, to whom which want nothing to do with her!
She proceeded to catch an attitude, and then hung up the phone on me.....
Ask me if I care...I DARE YOU!!!!