All In One....Part One

As per AngelNicki's comment.....
-AngelNicki said...
Maybe you should just save all of the incomplete drafts and somehow merge them into one long, very strange post?
I'm posting all of my "draft" posts, All In One....VERY WEIRD!!

HERE GOES.....

Today

I realized, over the last 2 years, I've been more consumed with losing him, rather than losing myself! WTF?!
I'm not sure what happened to me! What I am promising myself is to take it a day at a time & rediscover myself. At this point, realistically, it may not include him. While it makes me sad to a certain extent, as of today, I am ok with that. I deserve A LOT! From now on, I will make sure that I receive exactly what I expect from anyone I choose to have in my life.
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I'M BACK!!

I haven't been here, but I'm soo back! I could've used the other computers, PC's, but it just didn't feel right. Not sure what it is, but my personal laptop makes me want to focus & get some writing done.
Alot has happened over the past few months. I'm working in a gym again. Not happy about it, but I have a job in an economy where most people don't have a job at all. Thankful, because I have one. I thank God EVERY DAY!
But, I know my skills are not being utilized AT ALL!! So, what do I do about this?

I decided, that now that my computer is fixed, that I'll start writing again. Even if it's just blogging. I WILL WRITE!!

Not on all of my meds....hey, what can I say? I try, but I don't see where it's really helping me anymore. The only thing that I can count on is my sleepy time meds to work. If I don't take them, I really can't sleep!

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Happy New Year!!!

Not good or bad! Tomorrow is my last day of work... I'm scared!

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Dreaming

I have yet to go, completely, back on my meds. Although I intend on doing so, and know I need it, I'm scared to do it. I am taking my sleepy time meds, and my pdoc said it was ok for me to cut my Celexa in half, making it 10mg/day, along with my Concerta, which I had her bring down from 36mg to 27mg. In my head I feel like on of my medications is depressing me, so even though I had the mgs lowered, I'm still a bit weary...

I digress...

Not been on all of my meds, for some reason, means that I can remember my dreams. They are getting more & more weird by the day.
Yesterday, I had 2 major dreams. The first was completely surrounded around corn muffins. Everyone was eating them & trying to get me to do the same. Everywhere I looked, there was a corn muffin. Every coversation that was had was something directly geared towards corn muffins. Here's the weird part...I HAVE NEVER EATEN A CORN MUFFIN IN MY LIFE! I woke up at 3am to tell my bf about my corn muffin dream. I think he thought I was talking in my sleep, which is kinda true, I was kinda still sleep. When I woke up yesterday morning, I went to pick up breakfast from the deli, & what do you know...there are corn muffins on the checkout counter. So, I bought one. Turns out, they taste EXACTLY like corn bread! Who knew, lol!

The second dream was weird-er!
Apparently my step-father had...

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So Much

I've had so much going on within the last few weeks that most days, I honestly only remember to take my night time meds. So, I'm going to give a quick update...

Since my Cancer Free results, I decided to become a surrogate mother for one of my Aunts. Extremely LONG story short..she remarried & wants to have a child with her new....

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Going Back on Meds

Ever since I got my "Cancer Free" results, I've been off of my meds. I wanted to see who I was without them. I don't really know...


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Have I Mentioned?

I don't think that I said it, but I took it upon myself to go off of my meds. P/Tdoc are pissed at me for not speaking with them prior to going off, but, WHATEVER!! I found out that I like my personality a lot better...


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Last Night was BAD!!!!

This would be a "Whoa Is Me Post". So, if this isn't something you wanna read...then move on.
Last night, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown.
I'M TIRED OF BEING SICK!

Apparently I've Tried

19 in draft posts...hmmmm...
None of them are complete. Half thoughts, mid thoughts, partial sentences.

What does this mean?!

Back Again...

It's been a long time. Computer has been fixed for a couple of mths, but I wasn't sure what to say. Still not sure, but one thing is clear, I need to be here. I need to write. My bf said it best, if you love to write...then write. While he doesn't understand what a daunting task it may be at times...he's correct!

So, let me give you a quick update, because I have other blogs to update as well!

Things are moving along, slowly, but moving nonetheless. The economy has gotten the best of everyone it seems like. I'm not working, but bf is finally up and running & feeling REALLY good about himself. I'm very proud of him!!
As for my head, I'm still in therapy, still selective on what I say, but I find myself being more open as the sessions move forward. I'm still accepting my meds, although I'm only taking the one's for me to sleep. Not taking my daytime meds, which may be the reason why I feel so un-put-together..I know that's not a real word, but that's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling.
I see a lot of people have still been following me...I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT!! When I chack my blog from time to time, it makes me feel good that my blog is still active, although it doesn't always motivate me to write.
I've gained some weight , which is really exciting!!! I'm at a cool 136lbs. I'm fitting into my size 4's slowly but surely, lol!! HUGE DEAL FOR ME!! I was down to a zero, with some extra room left over. I was looking sick :-x
There's a good chance that I may go back to my daytime meds just for the sake of working & trying to reorganize Amber!

With that being said, I PROMISE TO GIVE AT LEAST A DAILY UPDATE, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, FROM TODAY GOING FORWARD!

LOVE YOU ALL MY BLOGGER FAMILY!! GRACE & PEACE!

A Little Update

I finally took my laptop to the "doctor"....the diagnosis wasn't a good one. I need a new hard drive, & since I didn't back up all of my applications, I would need to do a recovery on it. The cost, $900.00!
WHAT?!?
That's CRAZY in the truest sense of the word!!!
So, I left the "doctor", with a very depressed feeling, not knowing what my next move was. I decided to call all of my computer people to see what they had to say. The end result, I still don't have a computer, but, on the bright side...I can purchase a new hard drive for less than $200.00, & I have a few friends that might be able to do a recovery for me, but I'll have to work around their schedule. We'll see what happens. 'Til then, I'm gonna have to get used to blogging through my BlackBerry.

Not Having A Computer

I have to admit, relying on my laptop has been a HUGE mistake on my part! I thought it would NEVER die! Not that it's dead now, but it needs to go to the computer doctor for a check up.
Since it crashed, I've done much of NOTHING! As my bf would say..."The masterpiece of minimalism!" I haven't blogged, checked my email regularly, I haven't even been able to read anyone else's blog because you were all bookmarked on my laptop. This means I have no clue what a lot of your blog addresses are. It's times like these that I am thankful for blogrolling.

The Stress

Not knowing what I'm going to do next stresses me out. How bills are going to be paid, where are we going to live next week....the stress makes me not want to write/blog. It makes me not want to do the obvious thing and take my laptop into the city to be repaired. I'd feel better if I had my computer. At least then I could do work online.
Now with the economy going the way it's going, I find myself accepting positions for work that I normally would never consider. Work that makes me travel 2 hours out of the way for FUTURE money.
Which means, the money won't be available until a few months from now....but my real concern is what are we going to do until then!
My bf does his best to make me laugh & smile. While I do my best to encourage & convince him that the fat lady won't sing for us. Relationship wise, oddly enough, we are doing A LOT better. The respect factor & togetherness has come back...it's putting me in a much needed, calmer place.
Every church service I attend, Pastor reminds us that God will never give us more than we can bear. Sometimes he has to tear us down, to get rid of whatever is hindering us, to build us up again.
Well, I'm here to say, I'm torn down...we are torn down! But, I can't help but feel that we're going through all of this, together, for a reason.
Pastor says don't look to others for an explanation & a result. No one but God can give it to you.
After almost an entire year...my bf & I have come this far....& have stressed as a couple....THERE IS A REASON!
Other couples I know have gone through worse & have come out on top...they've even gotten married! They stuck out their issues, together, & made it through the storm.
This isn't a "Woe Is Me", as my bf would say, post. Rather, a post to try to get some of this crap circling around in my head, OUT!

Back "In Draft"

Just realized that I have 17 "Draft" posts...sup with that?!?

It doesn't help that my computer crashed. Actually, it's making EVERYTHING WORSE!
Why I'm so attached to my computer I really don't know. But, I missed it! It would make everything that is going on around me more bearable if I had it!

In HIDING!

I do this frequently!! I am currently in hiding. I don't want to be bothered with anyone or anything! Probably because of stress, I haven't gone back on my meds like I said I would, I have to move out of my parents asap, I have to go back to work, just took a leave of absence from schol so that I can go back to work, and to top it ALL off...MY LAPTOP CRASHED!!!
I feel like NOTHING!
I HAVE NOTHING!! SLOWLY SLIPPING INTO DEPRESSION...but, trying hard to fight it.
I'm really upset that I had to stop school to go back to work.
Trying to divise another plan, outside of my original plan, that would make sense to me, in my head, so I won't feel as bad.
I don't think that I'm upset, more like disappointed in myself.
Just had an anxiety attack, in the office I'm training in for my new job...I went to the bathroom & cried it out...but, apparently it's still all over my face. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!
Why does it seem like EVERYONE ELSE has it all together? I WANNA BE TOGETHER!

Anxiety Attacks

This week alone, I've had 4! I'm actually in the middle of one now. Large changes trigger it, HELL, small changes are triggering it now. Just popped 3 Xanax, hopefully it'll calm me down. I'm in front of family & don't want them to see, but I never did hide my emotions well.

Touching

I have recently noticed that I relate emotions directly to touching. So, for instance, if my bf doesn't touch me, I immediately think that there is something wrong, or that no matter how much it's said that he loves me, I don't believe it.
Maybe I've been deprived hugs as a child, I don't know. Touching can mean, holding my hand, my foot touching his as we sleep, or a kiss on the forhead, but if I'm not being touched, in some way, frequently, then I don't feel like you care.
Be honest with me...is this twisted?

Sad

I've eaten all the chocolate my stomach can take.
Could barely eat a complete meal.
Didn't bother attending school today.
I'm so incredibly sad, I just don't know what to do.
I'm crying as I'm writing this because there is nothing I can do but sit here and watch as what I tried so hard to build falls apart into, almost, invisible pieces.
I've asked everyone what I should do and the answer remains the same...there is nothing more I can do.
THANK GOD FOR MY PDOC APPOINTMENT TOMORROW...MAYBE SHE'LL BE ABLE TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER...

???

How is it possible that I've been able to start & complete two books since Monday, study, take, and pass my finals, but have not had the ability to write/blog???

I DON'T GET IT!

My Promise Project, Pt. 2

I have not forgotten about "My Promise Project".

MY PRESIDENT!!!

Blogroll

I noticed, I get a lot of emails, and even some comments posted, but for some reason I'm not getting alot of people "blogrolling" me.

We can help each other, leave me a comment, & I'll blogroll you....then, hopefully you can blogroll me!

Update on my latest events, and lack of meds within the next day or so.

THE RESULTS ARE IN...

I AM OK!!! NO CANCER HERE!!!
YAYYY ME!!

So, the biopsy concluded that the tumors were benign. I was so happy when I found out, all I could do was sleep!!! LOL! This past weekend had to be the most REAL sleep that I've had in the last 2 mths. The doctor's did notice, however, that the tumors are growing & multiplying. They want to remove them, so I have to go back on Friday to let them know when/if I want to do the procedure. The answer will than likely be no. I have a separate post to exlain why!

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOUR WELL WISHES & PRAYERS AS I AM POSITIVE BETWEEN GOD & ALL OF YOU, IT'S THE REASON MY RESULTS ARE WHAT THEY ARE!!!

LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

THANK YOU!

I just wanted to pause, and say THANK YOU for all of the extra hugs, I have 316...WOW! THAT'S ALOTTA HUGS!!! For all of the encouragement feedback via comments and emails, and even a few blog posts just for me. It means a lot that I have support, even from the Netherlands...which I think is wayyyy cool! LMBO!!!

My final test results come in on Friday, and we'll go from there!

I'll let you know the moment I know!

Grace & Peace

Amber Anique

Locking Up

I'm a little weirded out! A part of me, which I think is the better part of me, although very time consuming, is my OCD. Most people wouldn't agree with me, but I kind of like it. I assures me that everything is done, and I know this because it's in a pattern & I triple/quadruple check.

Which brings me to why I'm weirded out. Within the last 2 weeks, I didn't lock the front door twice! What's even more weird is that I distinctly remember locking the door. However, it's been proven that I didn't lock it because I was the only person going in & out. He stayed in those 2 days, and went nowhere near the door. He didn't get upset, or even fuss, he just let me know that I forgot to lock it.

Me on the other hand, I am very disturbed by this! HOW COULD I HAVE NOT LOCKED THE DOOR, BUT TRULY REMEMBER THAT I DID? Does this mean that my OCD is gone?

That's an aactual question, that I would like you all to help me answer. Please feel free to comment on this post as I am very upset by this!

Who Am I?!

Been having trouble figuring out my identity, who I am.
Me with meds, me without, me with him, me without him, me with my family, me without my family.
WHO AM I, REALLY?
Or maybe it should be, what am I?
Either way, I HAVE NO CLUE!
Which ever way it is, I've noticed that when other people are "involved" in my life, I'm another person. I instantly stop taking care of myself, & start taking care of them! I am no longer PRIORITY! What's up with that?
My family has been telling me this for the past couple of years, and I honestly haven't noticed it until recently, when all of my health issues became serious.
Should I just hibernate somewhere, where no one can find me?
Maybe I'll move to a small town in Alaska. Hmmmm, that's a thought.

Handle With Care

Over the last couple of days I have gone through HUGE emotional changes. Oddly enough, my ex has been the one there for me, physically. I spent the last 2 days with him, and it was really what I needed & wanted.

I didn't want to discuss being sick. I was tired of talking about it. Every time it came to mind, I'd start crying, and once the waterworks started, it was hard to turn off. I'm in fear! Talking about it doesn't help!!

He looked at me, asked what I was thinking, I said "nothing, I'm ok"...he says to me, "You're lying"...I just stared at him, and nothing else had to be said.
He knew I was afraid, no, he knew I was TERRIFIED! And so, we slept the day away, with him holding me the entire time. No TV, NO QUESTIONS, NO "LET'S TALK ABOUT IT"....

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, IT MADE ME HAPPY! For one entire day, I was able to relax!

Night Time Meds

I spend my nights in constant fear, crying myself to sleep. If I don't take the meds, I don't fall asleep. Now, it's worse!
I have to go in for testing tomorrow...have you ever been so scared, you can feel the fear in your heart? IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!
I JUST WANT TO SLEEP...MAYBE EVEN BE A LITTLE "NORMAL".
I didn't bring any of my meds with me tonight, I have no clue what I was thinking, or if I was thinking.
I walk around with a face, as to say "everything is ok", but it's not! I've informed family & friends as if it's not a big deal...but it really is. I'M TERRIFIED!!!
I don't want to scare them...so, I put the face on. But, it doesn't help me AT ALL!!
WHY ME?!?
I can tell you one thing, if I had my fucking meds with me, I'd be sleeping & not thinking of my fear, & not crying myself to sleep right now.

WHAT NOW?!?!

If nothing else, I can honestly say that my life has been an interesting one.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital to get the results of my tests from Monday, only to find out that I have 2 malignant tumors & 1 benign tumor in my breast.

I think it's fair to say, at this point, that I can't catch a break!!!

I told my stepfather about it, and he was, of course, at a loss for words. He did tell me, like everyone else I had to notify, that "we'll get through this". WHO THE HELL IS "WE"?!?

I have to "get through this"....just as I had to get the results BY MYSELF!!!

I understand what everyone is trying to tell me, but, all of this is happening to ME, not WE!!!

Told my parents, in NYC, when they got home. My father hasn't spoken to me since, my stepmother doesn't know what to say.
Spoke to my mother, who lives in Vegas, she sounded upset & had to get off the phone.

My "support", or the "We" in this has completely shut down. IT'S JUST ME!!

I have breast cancer & I'm mentally ill...not thinking that this is a GREAT combo!

I wonder.....how is one supposed to react when they find out someone they love has cancer?
Do you think they should be informed at all?

Gaining Weight

As of last Thursday, the end of my relationship, I weighed 117lbs. I don't know how, or when, it happened, but, it did. I didn't even realize it until my parents pointed it out to me. I'm thinking it was stress. My parents could read my body, and my face, that I wasn't happy, but, I couldn't see it. Or, maybe, I didn't want to see it.
Either way, I'm not there anymore. I'm staying with my parents for the next couple of weeks, and then, I am moving back to Atlanta! YAYYY!!!! At first, I wasn't so sure that it was the right move for me, but now, as the days go by, I can honestly say that it's for the best. New Yourk City is not the place for the mentally ill. Not to say that Georgia is the best place to be...but, it sure as hell tops NYC.

I digress...The title of this post is "Gaining Weight" because as I said before, as of Thursday of last week, I was down to 117lbs.
I am please to let you all know that I have gained 3lbs since then. I'M UP TO 120LBS!!! THAT'S HUGE!!! I'm working on putting on a max of 10 additional pounds. I know that being south with my family will definately put it on...hopefully in the butt region, lmbo!!!

Later!

My Promise Project

The early & untimely depature of our Dear Friend Dobro, has put me in deep thought.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I was scared. Scared for Me, Butterfly, Dobro, & ALL OF YOU trying to manage life with a mental illness.
I was in shock when I was informed of Dobro's death...and then, I cried. I cried HARD! Why?! Because, it could have been me. It still can be. It could've been YOU!
There is never a way to tell what is really going on with any one person. We all with hold information from friends, loved one's, doctor's, and even our blogger family with fear of being judged. The frustration of it all, and keeping it bottled up makes a person do irrational things, but, it seems rational to that person at that time.

This is "My Promise Project"....
I am an advocate for Mental Illness! I will create awareness...I will also document it. The world needs to know, and I am going to create a way to be the voice! Not just for Autism, but for MENTAL ILLNESS AS A WHOLE!!!

Assistance Please...

I can't do this alone. I am smart enough to know that I can't take on the world, by myself, and win. HELP ME HELP YOU AND OUR LOVED ONES!!!

THIS IS SERIOUS!!!

I just received a text message from my BFF, she was telling me that a fellow blogger, Dobro, committed suicide on the 8th of this month.

While we are waiting on 100% confirmation, it appears that it may be true!!

There are A LOT of people who take Mental Illness VERY lightly. Mental illness is a serious issue in the world! Not just America, but, the ENTIRE WORLD!

To act as if it doesn't exist, speaks very poorly on the human race as a whole!!

Moving Back to Atlanta

It's been settled....

I am moving back to Atlanta.

Long story VERY SHORT!
We broke up, I'm sick, my family thinks I'll be better off in the South, I'm moving in less than 2wks.
I could get more detailed, but who really cares?

Update

Not so good over here...but, it may start looking up!

God is good!! And, I'm sure that there is a reason why I am going through all of this mess. What the reason is, I don't know. But, THERE IS A REASON!!!

I'll update you when I get home this evening.

More Faith

Well, I was sinking, THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS & FAMILY!!!!
Honestly, my faith was waivering...OH BOY!!!
But, then I thought to seek knowledge from 2 of my best friends, who also happen to be spiritual. While they both gave me scriptures from the Bible to read...one sent me the following via email........

You Shall Not Die, But Live!

It’s a wonderful day to be a child of God. My brother, my sister, as I was driving to church yesterday I began to think about my life and how faithful God has been to me. Even when I was knowingly doing wrong, the Lord was still faithful. When I was plotting and planning to do ungodly things, He still kept watch over me. There were times when things appeared out-of-control. Money was low, friends were few, life seemed meaningless. I remember contemplating suicide because I thought it was an easy way out. Do you realize satan is cunning? he is good at making you feel worthless. I can recall times when I made up my mind to end it all. Truthfully speaking, everytime I tried God would intervene. He would never allow me to do harm to myself.
Today, I have been commissioned to come and minister to you. I know how it feels to wonder if anyone really cares about you. I know how it feels to question the loyalty of family and friends. I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep at night, only to wake up the next morning still crying. I know how it feels to walk the floors wondering if or when God would show up. I can relate to what you are going through. BUT, I also know even if God shows up at the last minute, He is still on time. Could it be possible that you are giving up too soon? Could it be possible that your clock is set to a different time than God’s? The Bible declares in Psalms 37:25 - I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. My friend, You Shall Not Die, But Live!
Beloved, now is not the time for you to give up on the Lord. He is able to come see about you. Just because He has not shown up when you thought He should have, does not mean He will not show up. During this season, your faith needs to be stable. The enemy desires to do anything, use anyone, and say whatever it takes to destroy you. Today, I declare and decree in the name of Jesus that You Shall Not Die, But Live! Child of God, I speak life into your spirit. According to Mark 11:23 - For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
Scripture Reading for Today: Read God’s Résumé
(He can handle whatever you experience)

I LOVE YOU SHAWNTE FOR SENDING THIS TO ME!!! AS ALWAYS, HE, & YOU WERE RIGHT ON TIME!!!

A Move to Be Made

I just spent all morning on the phone with my family.

It looks like within the next couple of months, I may be moving. I'll keep you all posted as to what's going on....maybe this will help me!!

I GIVE UP!!!

Fear is overwhelming....I must say, I'm not taking this too well!!!
Every chance I get I'm crying. In between crying, I'm staring off into space...not really looking at anything...just thinking "why me?!?".
I don't think that anyone REALLY GETS IT!
ONCE AGAIN....I'M ALL ALONE!!!
I found myself not wanting to wake up the other night, so, I took 7 Xanax....CLEARLY THAT DIDN'T WORK!!!

Don't misunderstand me, as weird as this may sound, I wasn't trying to commit suicide...I just didn't want to wake up.
I'm TIRED of the meds, tired of the doctor ALWAYS GIVING ME BAD NEWS, tired of the pain & the fear, thru with having to explain it all!!!

I know that I don't know the results yet, but I'm tired of having to go through all of this! You know, no one in my immediate family gets anything but a cold....& they rarely get that. IT'S ALWAYS ME!!!
I love my family, & I don't wish ANY OF THIS ON THEM....but, I do wish that I didn't have to take this on myself.

Did I do something wrong to deserve this?? If so, I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE!!!

Hospital Visit..Again

It seems like there is always something wrong with me. Now, I have a few masses in my breast. One of them was found 2 months ago, & the doctor told me that it wasn't a big deal, that we were just going to watch it. Ok, cool!!

A month later, I get another 2, that I found myself..AND THEY HURT LIKE HELL!!!

Since I still have health insurance until Monday, my bf made me go have them checked out. We went to the ER...I HATE IT THERE!!!
Only to find out that I have extra masses in my breast, and now I have to go back to the Breast Clinic to have a needle biopsy done on the bastards.

I'M DEPRESSED!!! I HATE THE WAY I FEEL, EVEN MORE, I HATE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS ALONE!!! Bf can't understand why I'm so upset & scared, and I'm too upset & scared to even bother trying to explain. After everything that he's seen me go through, why doesn't he just know???

I Find Myself...

* Questioning what I know to be true..
* Frowning frequently..
* Going out of my way to help people, who would never help me...
* Staring at nothing, ALOT...
* Missing him...
* Racing against time...
* Not being able to explain much of anything because it's all stuck in my head...
* Not wanting to die, but, praying for another life...
* Wondering, how other people "seem" to have it so easy, as I struggle...
* Wanting to reach out for help, but, there is no one, physically, there...
* Feeling like I need MORE, and wondering why I don't have it...
* Praying for a funny joke, just so I can remember how it felt to smile again....