Sickness may take my body,and my mind, but not my spirit. My journey with Adult ADD/ADHD, OCD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, & Depression.
| Your Personality Is Like Cocaine |
 You're dynamic, brilliant, and alluring to those who don't know you. Hyper and full of energy, you're usually the last one to leave a party. Sometimes your sharp mind gets the better of you... you're a bit paranoid! |
I haven't taken any meds today. Not on purpose, I just forgot them.
But, on Thursday, I actually sat down and got some work done, and I have a few meetings set up for the up coming week. I really feel good about that. Maybe it'll help me get back on track and feeling better about "me". Thank you, in advance, for all of the people who have stuck by me, without judgment, and helped me find a way through my fog. I'm not going to name you, because you know who you are...it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway...I LOVE YOU!!!!
Today was a better day. I had a few appointments to go to today, so that was a reason for me to get up and out. I took a Ritalin, so it made me much more productive. I finished the rest of my assignments and even returned a few emails. Overall, it was a decent day. I remember when I was most happy and productive. It was when I was working, completely on meds, and in therapy. That was late last year. Since then, I have quit my job, I only take meds when I know I have to leave my house, and I haven't been to therapy in almost 2 months. I have no idea why I am like this, and I now see that it's not the healthiest situation to be emersed in, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I don't regret leaving my job, had I not, suicide would have been an option. What I do regret is the decision that I made to take a "break". Although it was much needed, now I find it hard to get out of this. I was offered quite a few positions, but refused them all because I could see that it wasn't going to have me headed in the right direction. Instead...I stopped looking. And then, I became a hermit. So, I'm giving myself one month...and only one month, to get back out there. I can do it! I've done it many times before. But, I may need help keeping focused. I don't want a full time job. I'm actually considering taking on two part time jobs just so I don't get bored. Bordem makes me leave people and places with the quickness. Wish me luck!!! :)
I went to Wendy's today, about a block away from my house. I was hungry and felt like having a chicken sandwich instaed of my normal salad. I get cravings and when this happens nothing, short of a tornado, can stop me. So, I got dressed and walked the block in the wind and cool air. I get there and stand in the long line. I left my cell phone and my ipod at home so I had nothing to distract me from the stupid Jamaica Ave hood mentality. All was going well, until, a spanish lady comes in, speaking to her child loudly in spanish, telling him to stand still. The child...doesn't listen, and is roaming through the line, and of course not saying excuse me. I remained calm, and I didn't trip him and make him fall, although I really was thinking about it. The little boy turned around and saw another kid standing in line with his mother, not saying or doing anything. Spanish little boy, turns around yells something at him in spanish, and sticks his tongue out at him. The other kid does nothing, they are black, so his mother just gave him the eye as if to say you better not do anything. As I watch, I'm thinking he needs to be...WHAT, no he didn't just do that!!! The black kid was standing there...still minding his own business, not even turned toward the spanish kid, and I guess the spanish kid got pissed and walked up to him, and kicked the other kid in the leg. WHAT?!?!?! As I was saying...he needs to be snatched up, or get his ass beat! The mother did nothing...just laughed. I, quickly, grabbed my food, and left. Both the mother and the kid should consider themselves lucky...I took a Ritalin about an hour prior to leaving the house.
I have alot of GREAT ideas, but I don't know what to do with them. I think I come up with at least 5-10/day. You think I'm nuts, but what crazy person can come up with that many ideas in a day? My problem is, frequently, I can't get them out of my head. They just move around in there...it's almost like they're taunting me. They are saying...Ha ha, I'm in here and you can't catch me!!
And, just when I catch one, I have no idea how to go about executing the plan. It's worthless...I just sit here, with brilliant ideas on hand....STUCK-ER THAN A MUTHA F***ER! So what now? I don't really know! I have so many questions, and hundreds of answers for them all, and can't pair them up...FRUSTRATED...LONELY...SAD....AND SLEEPY AS HELL! If the damn thoughts and GREAT ideas would stop taunting me for a damn day, maybe, I can finally get some much needed rest! But, the chances of that brilliant break is slim to none! Oh well, I'm off to lay down and stare at the white ceiling for the next 6 hours. Night!
Today was a better day, but extra non-productive. After not sleeping and being sick the other day, I felt the need to sleep, and that's just what I did. I woke up at about 12pm, then went home at 1pm, straightened up my bedroom for about 30 minutes, got in the car...and slept. I've been sleeping all day long, awaking only to glance at a couple of text messages, reply, and looking at a couple of incoming calls, and hitting ignore. Where/who am I? And how did I get here?
I am having an issue determining where Being Processed begins and Amber Vision ends. It's getting twisted in my mind, and I don't know what to do. Me with meds or without. There is such thing as too much...Bad days have been surrounding me and I'm only really ok when I'm with him...but honestly, I'm not, he's been getting my representative. What do I do?
Yup, I'm still awake. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep tonight because of the way I took my meds. I took a Concerta, Ritalin, and a Celexa...I won't even tell you the mg's, just know that if I were going to go based on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd be an 85. And, to top everything off...I'm having panic attacks, I have a migrane, and I'm vomiting. This is my fault, I went overboard on the meds. I've learned my lesson...now, can you please let me rest?
I have alot to talk about, but I'm still trying to determine how I feel. And I can't get anything out. Try again tomorrow. :(
I just want to remind everyone about the amount of courage that it takes to write a blog like this. A blog period is hard, but to get as personal as to record your life as a mentall ill individual is so on another level.
I am, somewhat, of a different individual. I went to personally accepting my illness to completely being in deial and still trying to convince others. Most people start with denial...like I said, I am a different individual. I think denial takes over me most when I am off my meds. I try to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me, and then I cry myself to sleep, or I can't get out of bed, or I flip out on someone for sneezing. Or maybe when I can hold a 2 minute conversation and cover 40 different topics and have the other person look at me as if I'm nuts, or even when I can't leave the house...I make it out of the bed, but can't leave the house.
I created this blog to promote awareness. I am hiding nothing. All 3 of my blogs are connected. You know my name, Amber Anique, you know, from my other blogs, who my best friends are and the people who play a major roll in my life.
Needless to say, when one of the people closest to me laugh at me and tell me there is nothing wrong with me...I take it VERY HARD. Granted, she is not here with me to see my ups, downs, and in betweens, but I thought that she would be one of them who would support me, even if I had a third eye underneath my armpit. She's not the first person that I've gone through this with, a few people decided that not being a part of my life was the easier pill to swallow than accepting my illness...oddly enough, I'm the one swallowing pills. People who choose not to accept me can see the door. You are not the one having the attacks, in fear of life and a new relationship with medication, or even the heartache of being stigmatized by society, and the lack of acceptance by your family and friends. You are not the one who, HONESTLY, has to go through this alone.
DO NOT JUDGE UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK!!!
HERE'S A FEW SITES TO BEGIN RESEARCH, IF YOU HAVE THE COURAGE...
Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disroder (CHADD)
AD/HD Link through CHADD
National Institute of Mental Health Links (NIMH)
AD/HD
Bipolar Disorder
OCD
Depression
Anxiety Disorder
Panic Disorder
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO IGNORE MENTAL DISABILITIES/ILLNESSES...BUT JUST LIKE DIABETIES, CANCER, AIDS...THEY STILL EXIST!
...I did make it out of the house. I woke up last night and recounted my meds to make certain I could do this. I had enough pills, so I went to my first meeting. I enjoyed myself, but we rarely get alot accomplished...like minds, lol. I missed the second meeting, but I'm not pressed about it. I think, deep down, I had enough for the day, and was greatful to be able to get back into my bed. One step at a time Amber. My eyebrows are not done, but maybe I'll do them this weekend, or maybe not. I don't really care, I can't be but too bothered. Maybe I'll skip this weeks hair appointment also. Keep you posted!
I won't say, today, that suicide is an option. However, what I will say is that I've had enough!!!
I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!! It's not jealousy, although it may sound like it, but, I don't feel it's fair that I have all of these issues. I love my family & siblings with ALL of my heart, but, I don't think it's fair that I am the only one going through this. I don't wish my illness on my worst enemy...but, why me??? Have I done something wrong? Tell me what it is and I'll make it right! What did I do or not do to deserve this incomplete, incompetent, worthless, agonizing gift? Can I choose a different gift? Were there two doors and I picked the wrong one? If this is permanent...which it seems like it is...does it get easier? Am I really going to be married to my meds? Is there no end...but, the end? Is this really me?
I never watch television. When I do, I stick to the same programs, Friends, or on one of the cable movie channels I watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I watch this movie almost every night, only because it's on, I mean I don't search for it...anywhooo...
This evening I decide to watch the evening news...WHY DID I DO THIS??
There was a boy scout it North Carolina that went missing over the weekend that apparently was found alive today. He was found not to far from the campsite (approx. 1 mile away). They claim that he may have been "homesick" online, but on television they claimed that he wandered away from the group and survived on junk food...and that he suffers from ADHD, and didn't have his meds.
WHAT???????? He didn't wander off from the group because he was "sufferring from ADHD", he wandered away because more than likely no one ever got in his ass for wandering away from the adults!!!
Every person that has a mental illness/disability that went undiagnosed into their adulthood has one thing in common....THEY ALL KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM, THEY JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT.
We could have received help as adolescents had you just listened to us, not judged us, and not stigmatized us! How would you feel if we did it to you? Isn't life hard enough? I don't need your shit!!!
YES...I AM VERY ANGRY TODAY!!!
I don't know how alot of people handle life.
Me myself, at the moment, I'm finding it very difficult.
I wake up and thank God everyday for the few very special people that have been placed in my life.
I also wishing that others will become more aware of what I'm going through and not pass judgement, rather assist me in this VERY TOUGH journey.
Everytime I say something to some of my family members, they laugh, and tell me that there is nothing wrong with me.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with any of you either.
*My issue today...I need to go back to work to obtain some form of sanity. But I can't do just anything...meaning, the job offers that I have, I don't want. I can't do just anything anymore, but I can't get my head to focus long enough to search for anything else, nor do I know what I want to do.
*My issue this evening...I want my brain to slow down long enough to write. I want to, at the very least, take a Ritalin, but if I do, I'll be up the rest of the night. If I don't take it, I won't write, my brain won't slow down, and once again, I'll find myself crying myself to sleep because of my frustration and pain.
*My issue tomorrow...I have to leave the house to get my eyebrows done & attend 2 meetings...but I'm still having an issue with leaving my bedroom.
Go ahead and tell me there is nothing wrong with me...Go ahead!
I have at least 2 million ideas for writing, but can't get one out for you. Bare with me please! Thinking of taking a Ritalin just so I can get my mind to slow down for a little while.
Ever been thinking, but don't know what you are thinking? Like you can feel your brain activity...or thoughts going through your mind, but have no clue as to what is being thought? If someone were to ask me, at this very moment, what I was thinking, my answer would be, "I DON'T HAVE A CLUE".
I am off my meds. Not a good thing. I've isolated myself...again. I'm backed on all of my blogs. I've had a couple of good days thanks to my best friend, and my boyfriend...BUT I'M STUCK! I have to ration out what I have left of my meds because the cost of medication has risen :-&. I am ready to go back to work, but because I haven't taken my meds, I can't sit long enough to find another job. Funny enough, this short post took me almost two hours to complete. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???
Yes, I am an odd creature. Odd to most, normal to many. In my opinion, I am just different, and there is nothing wrong with that, is there?
I hate it when my food touches.
I take my shoes off when I enter my bedroom, but not when I walk in the house, unless it's snowing or raining outside.
I don't sleep underneath the covers. I sleep on top of the comforter with two other blankets.
No one, except the people who sleep there, should sit on the bed.
You should not sit on the bed unless you have bathed first.
The thought of tomatos, gravy, or cheese on/near/around my food sets fire to my tummy, makes me want to hurl.
I can only bathe with liquid anti-bacterial soap. Anything else has me itching and feeling unclean.
I can only sleep on my left side.
Movie theaters are for watching movies. Not for eating and/or talking.
I dread using the bathroom. I believe it's too time consuming.
You should only drink sodas from a bottle, never a can.
In the morning, you shouldn't eat unless you have brushed your teeth first.
There is more, but I haven't taken my meds today...Do you think I'm odd?
I couldn't sleep...again...I was up at 5am, and decided to count my pills. Yup, I counted how many pills I had left...why?
