Blog Rollin'

Well I have to roll a bunch of other blogs onto my blog!!!! As I do so...ENJOY A LITTLE LIMP BIZKIT!!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!!
OH...& IF YOU ROLL ME, I'LL ROLL YOU!!!!
KEEP ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'!!!!

Hospital

Tomorrow I go in to see my p/tdoc's. If I let them check me in, what happens next? What type of effect does it have on my family & friends...OR ME?!?! What do I tell them...or not tell them?
If my blood work doesn't change, what will that mean for me? I did some research, I don't even want to get into what the possibilities could be, but, it isn't good...although it would explain alot.
Could this be a happy ending or will I just end up more scared and alone?

Ask Me If I Care

Go ahead...ask me!
My mother isn't speaking to me right now....if I said I cared, I'd be lying my ass off...so, let me just be honest...I can give 2 healthy shits!
I spoke with her yesterday, and she was driving around looking for something to eat for dinner...her in Las Vegas, me in NYC.
I told her that I've been learning to cook over the last few months and she should try it. I told her that it's not as horrible as she made it out to be.
She replied, "Oh please Amber, I used to cook for you kids all the time"....SHE MUST BE SMOKING SOMETHING!!!
Preparing a large pot of spaghetti once a week and having 3 kids eat the same thing all week is NOT cooking....just in case you didn't know!
She claimed that I seem to forget when we stayed with her, now, ex-husband how she used to cook steaks for us and other stuff.
I went on to correct her...she cooked for him....she didn't cook for us! If she doesn't believe me she can ask her other 2 kids, to whom which want nothing to do with her!
She proceeded to catch an attitude, and then hung up the phone on me.....
Ask me if I care...I DARE YOU!!!!

Drained

I am emotionally drained!
I'm laying in bed, of course with insomnia, wishing that I had just one person I could talk to. Just one person that would listen without judgement, and not feel the need to be on suicide watch.
Blogging just isn't getting the job done anymore, hence the lack of posts.
I would love to know the feeling of just one person loving me, unconditionally.
How does it feel to know what your talent/gift is?
Even better, how does it feel to use it?
How am I 27, going on 28, and still have no destination? Everyday, I'm thinking I want to do something new.
Why was my mother able to have 3 children, with her suck ass lack of maternal instinct...but, I can't have one?
Why am I the only person in my family with health issues?
Let me correct that...one of my sisters has eczema..the rest of my family-COMPLETELY HEALTHY!
Why am I still living at home???? Because, I'm terrified to live alone, knowing that frustration may lead to my suicide.
But, staying here seems to be the same kind of torture.
Why am I treated like an outcast on both sides of my family? My mother see's my father when she looks at me, my father see's my mother when he looks at me...so guess what....I'm hated!
When I try to talk to my therapists, I can only go but so far before they had me the long white coat, and drive me to the hotel with padded rooms.
I cry myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT....when I'm sleeping with or without someone.
Why am I not worthy of anything, but people who kill, lie, steal, cheat get everything?
Will this ever end...or does it have to END before it ends?
Everyone wants to "help", but they have no idea of the burden of really "knowing everything".
I wake up, everyday, thank God for allowing me have another day, and then ask him why he allows me to have another day.
Is this what it's gonna be, forever and ever amen?
If so, death seems easier...not better....just easier.
I'm an actress by nature...CLEARLY, because no one knows what's really happened or what's really going on.
Everyone thinks I'm a ROCK, when I'm really more like warm milk....or maybe even jello that's been left out for too long.
STILL WAITING FOR MY ONE MAGIC PILL!!! ANY DAY NOW..ANY DAY!

Honesty!

One can not afford to be mentally ill and completely honest at the same time. You have to be extremely cautious, and understand the possible consequences.
As "brilliant" as I am, I decided to break down yesterday, walk into my pdoc's office and tell EVERYTHING! I MEAN...EVERYTHING!
The result was them suggesting I be hospitalized...ummmm, that wasn't the exact response I was looking for. I'm not sure of what I thought was going to happen, as a matter of fact, I think my thought process was since I was getting noticeably worse that if I told the complete truth, that maybe they could fix it! Well, that certainly backfired on me! Who told me to go and think for myself anyway?
They also went on to tell me that my WBC (white blood cell) count was "alarmingly low"...I don't know about you, but when someone uses the word alarm in a sentence to me...I tend to get "ALARMED"! Apparently, normal is to 9, 10, or 11...my count is 2.8. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?! AM I DYING NOW?!?!? ON TOP OF ME BEING MENTAL, NOW I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DYING?!?! (Btw...That was me panicing) I knew what I was going to do as soon as I got home...I was getting on my computer, and going to google.com and ask.com. They couldn't, or should I say wouldn't, tell me how concerned I should be. What they did say was I needed to go back to the hospital at 8:30am, this morning, to have my blood work redone. WHATEVER!!!!
As for my meds...I haven't been sleeping over the last couple of weeks, so they told me to take 2 Xanax pills along with 1 Trazadone, & I should be able to sleep. I'm going off of Celexa because we still have no clue as to what it's doing to me other than reversing my OCD, which has caused me to be, in my opinion, a nasty person. Now, they want to put me on Prozac..hmmmm, I'll think about it, but the odds are not in Prozac's favor! Strattera...well, it's just as I thought it would be, for me! A DAMN WASTE OF MEDS!!! It hasn't done anything for me, so I refuse to take anymore of it.
Basically, what I was told was that I couldn't have any other meds until my new blood work came in...and so, my rage is taking over...I've flipped out on 3 people already today, and I think I owe 2 people an episode.
This next week should be very interesting!

Treatment

Am I getting any better? Who knows! But, there is something that I've been thinking about for a while now. I'm considering ending my OCD treatment. At the moment it's just a VERY STRONG CONSIDERATION, but extremely realistic at this point.
I actually miss my OCD! Who says things like that?
Well, I went from being EXTREMELY clean to not really giving a shit. My clothes have been separated in laundry bags for weeks now, and I have yet to take them to be washed. I still shower every day but I have to convince myself that it's not as bad as i think...while I used to take 2 or more showers without it even being an option. My hair used to get done, at the salon, once a week, EVERY SATURDAY MORNING, I was the first person in the chair, and the first one out. Now, well, let's just say that it's been 3 weeks since I was last in the salon...and I am considering wearing wigs full time to avoid having to go to the salon.
I have been staring at lint balls from my comforter on the floor, and have been complaining about having to vacuum for the last month. I just vacuumed yesterday...I had to force myself to do it!
It was so much easier when I was full blown OCD....time consuming, but easier!

My Inner Demons

I have a problem with the fact that other people have the ability to bear children.
Not them...just their ability to conceive, carry, birth, & raise them.
Why?
Because, I can't!
Outside of my mental issues, I also have a few internal issues...other that that, I'M AS HEALTHY AS A NEW BORN BABY, LOL!
It's my issue, I know....but, the fact that I've know for 12 years that I couldn't conceive hasn't stopped my attempt.
But, as of now...I give up!
In my head, it's not fair, especially since I only wanted one.....just one...IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Going Where?

I look back on the last two weeks and start to think about my efforts, over all, to try to make myself mentally stable. Is it worth all of the side effects that I have encountered? When I wasn't fully aware of my illness, was I better off? Some think that ignorance is bliss...I believe that ignorance is stupid! Which is why I took the time out to seek treatment...but, I can't see where I'm improving. I am less apt to throw things at someone in the fit of rage, at least for the first 10 seconds while I figure out if it should be a round object thrown to the head or a pointy object toward the left eye. I guess that's a step in the right direction, right?
I guess wishful thinking states that there should be some kind of miracle pill, just for me, that fixes everything.

WHERE IS MY DAMN PILL!!!????
I just want one, and only one! I'm not being greedy! I just want to be "normal". Where people that know me don't have to take into consideration what my reaction would be before inviting me to an amusement park that has long lines, or to a play that lasts for more than 15 minutes, or even to the park...where I know for a fact that there are bugs....I still have no clue as to why people try convince me otherwise!

*Will I yell at a woman if she cuts in front of me and steps on my shoes...YES, but only because she didn't say excuse me or apologize for stepping on my shoe.
*Will I yell at the man who is in front of me, in his car, just sitting there, and the light is green....NO, I'll pull up next to him, come to a complete stop, and stare dead in his face with an expression that clearly says "I dare you to say anything but I'm sorry".
*I think those are huge improvements!!!

NO? BUT, I DIDN'T SPIT ON ANY OF THEM!!!

Thank You!!!!

You never know just how many people are reading your blog, or how many people it affects. I get frequently receive emails, occasionally get comments, but NEVER HAVE I RECEIVED AN AWARD!!
This is my first...Jason, Random-Musing, gave me the Courageous Blogger Award.
YAY ME!!!
I can't remember the last time I've received any kind of award!
This is special to me because it means that whatever I write/rant is being taken in by people, and they are making attempts to understand what I am going through. It takes a lot for someone to blog...it takes even more for someone to blog about a mental illness. I have more than just this one blog, but this one, at the moment, means the most to me because I am still looking for mental clarity.
Thanks Jason for thinking of me, and recognizing me!!!

Strattera

Here we go again!
We are "trying" something new...AGAIN!!!
I've heard alot about this one, but I've always been against meds w/o stimulants. Why? Because I feel like there is a 50/50 chance that it will/won't work. After my body has been filled up with stimulants, do you really think that a non-stimulant can work? Don't you think they should have tried that one before all of the others?
Today makes day 2...nothing to report as of yet....I'll keep you updated!

I am a Guinea Pig

I am so sick and tired of the trial and error with meds!!!
I went into my pdoc's office on Monday, w/o an appointment, I even passed on letting the receptionist call to inform her that I was there. I just walked my ass right in there! Placed the devils pills, Lithium, on her desk and told her that I refuse to take anymore of those satanic pills!! I meant that!!! I told her that I would sooner go back on Ritalin and risk psychosis than continue to get fatter by the day! I weighed myself that day...I was 5 pounds heavier than I was the previous Wednesday that I received the medication....by then I noticed that my stomach had already started to decrease, which means, in my head, that I must have weighed more when my stomach was bigger.
My pdoc had the audacity to point out the fact that the majority of the patients in the office were significantly over weight.
So, what was she trying to say? That I had a choice...be fat or be mentally unstable?
I told her that maybe that was something that others were ok with, but being over weight is not an option for me!
She offered Depakote as an alternative.
I asked her what the side effects were...she said some weight gain...but there was a chance of hair loss...WHAT?!??!
She actually compared the side effects to chemotherapy....that was a no no!!!
So, I'm either mentally unstable or over weight bald person?!?!?
I know that my feelings about this is a bit exaggerated, but I always think of everything in the worse case scenario...I understand that every person's body reacts differently, but the side effects that are being explained to me are just not something that I can deal with at this point.
The end of our conversation is where I stated that she needed to find something that didn't have the side effects of weight gain/hair loss....even if she did a combo of meds that balanced it out...then I left!
I went the next 4 days w/o meds...was a bit lost...still holding a lot of water weight...confined myself to my bedroom...but all in all, felt better about confronting my doc.

Terrified & Alone

I'm alone in this...and I really don't know what to do.
No one can have a conversation with me with out judgement, which means, I'm left to figure it out on my own.
I'm considering stopping meds all together, with the exception of Xanax...to help me sleep.
I'm tired of being used as a lab rat.
I know what works, but they won't give it to me. If I want it, I'd have to pay out of pocket which totals over $300/mth.
The latest trial and error, Lithium, was nothing short of a train wreck.
What now?
I go into the p/tdocs office in the morning, full of frustration and emotion, try not to break down in tears & beg for help.
What kind of help is the issue.
I've been off of Celexa for about a week now.
Went off of Lithium as of Saturday night, after being on it for about 4.5 days.
Taking Xanax when needed.
And, now I'm on water retention pills, for the water weight damage that the Lithium did.
I feel a mess, helpless, worthless....and ghost like, if you know what I mean.
Praying all day and night for guidance....still no answer.
I can't talk to my friends because they really don't understand, even in their best attempts to try, I feel like a burden, and they feel helpless and lost for they don't know what to do or say.
So, I just sit up in my bed, staring at the walls...yup, I'm back to staring at the walls, it's the only thing my brain will allow me to do efficiently.

LITHIUM IS THE DEVIL!

I am on day number 5 of creating a lithium level in my system. You know...when you have to gradually up the meds, day by day, until you reach the pdoc's desired mg they're prescribing.
Well..last night, the evening of day 4, I made the decision to stop ALL LITHIUM TREATMENT!!!
WHY?
I'll tell you why!
The very first pill that I took on Wednesday made my stomach expand!
What the hell is this?!?!?
My pdoc said that there would be some weight gain, but she didn't explain that it would be instant.
If you have a problem gaining weight...Lithium is the way to go.
If I would have continued taking it, there's no telling what would have happened...what I'd be positive about is my depression would have gotten a lot worse!
I made the BEST decision for ME mentally...and probably the best decision I've ever made!

???

What is it about being in a different surrounding that makes me want to blog?
I can't seem to do it at home anymore...so, I make plans to do it elsewhere. We'll see how this works out.

Today marks a new beginning for me...in a way!

Today marks the end of me taking Ritalin LA! YAY ME!!!

I traded it in for 300mg of Lithium!

Some may think that it wasn't a great idea...but, for me, it's a wonderful thing!

At this point, I am willing to try just about anything that will work!

I have letters to write and blogs to update....I need to live my life! I pray that I'll be able to do that soon.

Today

I decided to go to church today, As a matter of fact, I was prepared to the extent that I spent 3 hours yesterday flat ironing my hair so that I couldn't use my hair being a mess as an excuse. I told myself, and anyone who would listen that I was going to the second service, 10:30AM, and any plans that were to be made needed to be scheduled for early/late afternoon.
So, what happened?
Well, let's start with, I woke up on time, hit my alarm, then went back to sleep. When I did wake up, it was 11am. I made a few phone calls, then sent a few texts. Then, as recommended by my bff, I got out of bed and made the decision to go to 3rd service, 1:00pm.
I did it...I made it to 3rd service. I was proud of myself for doing it!
Then...IT HAPPENED...I was only in the sanctuary for about 20 minutes...then, I left. I COULDN'T STAY! I FELT EVERY WHERE, AND MY BRAIN WAS ON WARP SPEED! I tried to stay, then started to cry. Why cry? OUT OF PURE FRUSTRATION! WHY THE HELL AM I ON MEDS IF THE SHIT ISN'T HELPING ME????? WHY POLLUTE MY INSIDES, AS JAY WOULD SAY, IF THE FUCKING MEDS AREN'T GOING TO WORK?
I'm home now, pissed, and mad at the entire world! Right now is a good time for everyone to stay away from me. Maybe we'll chat later!

Short One

I figured I'd give you a quicky.

I'm doing ok, considering I keep forgetting to take my meds. I'm up & down & all around. Of course, I'll never admit this to my p/tdoc. As far as their concerned, I'm doing all I'm supposed to be doing.
I think I'm purposely forgetting to take my Ritalin LA. I get EVERY side effect from it, and I don't like it, and I feel like it's not fair! Yeah, sounds bratty, but I don't think that it's fair, and it's MY BLOG, so I'll be bratty if I feel like it!

I haven't been blogging on Blogger, but, I have been blogging in my head, does that count?

I've been sleeping w/o my sleepy time meds a few times this week. But, I've also been drinking. You think those two are connected? Hmmmm....

I have a physical scheduled for Monday, and on Wednesday my pdoc is supposed to be taking me off of Ritalin LA, and putting me on Lithium. THIS TIME, I'M GOING TO ALLOW IT. I'M WILLING TO TRY ALMOST ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE ME SEMI-NORMAL AMBER AGAIN!

I Did It!

Ask and you shale receive!
I must be crazy asking for PMS!
But, I did, and so I got it!
I will never do that again!
EVERYTHING IS MAGNIFIED TODAY!
I HAVEN'T SLEPT, PMS....DIDN'T BOTHER TAKING MEDS BECAUSE AS SOON AS I GET SLEEPY, I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP..AND STAY THERE UNTIL TOMORROW!
It's a beautiful day here in NYC!
The only thing that's keeping me positive right now is the weather and the fact that I'm about to watch Ratatouille on dvd.
I normally don't do this but, my father borrowed the bootleg from a friend because I was complaining that he went to see the movie without me...
I'm going to get in my bed, underneath my blanket, in the A/C, with a salad, chips & a soda and watch it!
I'll let you know how it turns out.

Moods & Emotions

I'm full of them today. All feelings are rushing at me from every direction. I wish it were PMS! Yup, it's that bad that I'm wishing for PMS! What woman does that?
The sound of people talking make me tired, sad, angry, frustrated, and then makes me cry.
I'm not crying in public because I'm no punk...I went into the bathroom and did it. My baby sister watching me with a look that screams YOU ARE SOOO LOSING YOUR MIND! Little does she know...I lost it a long time ago.
Nope, not feeling sorry for myself, just frustrated that I can't get control of anything, including myself.

A World of My Own

It's so sad that I can't really explain to anyone, including my p/tdoc's exactly how I feel.
I can tell them, but you'll never really know what I'm talking about unless you've walked a few feet in my shoes. I have friends who have other illnesses, and we try to relate to each other, but it's hard. Our symptoms and reactions are VERY different. And, even if we had the same diagnosis, we would most certainly handle it differently. So, I'm stuck, all alone. Wishing on a daily basis for a little bit of Amber normalcy. I can't really remember the last time I stepped into that world, but I miss is more than I miss cool days...and it's hot as hell here!
I think that the heat makes me even more irritable. I try to warn people that come in contact with me when I'm having an pff day. But for some odd reason, they rarely take heed. Why is that? And then, they have the nerve to be pissed when I spazz out.
Did I not just tell you that it's a bad day for me?
Did I not just ask if we could please take this issue up at another time?
Were you listening when I said right now isn't a good time for me, and I'm not feeling well?
When people look over the warnings that I have CLEARLY GIVEN, it makes me feel as if they don't care about my well being...so then, I spazz, because if you don't care about my well being...why the hell should I care about yours? SCREW YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS!!! I WARNED YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND CLEARLY YOU DON'T CARE...KEEP MESSING WITH ME AND I'LL HAVE TO KICK YOUR ASS! AND, IT'LL ALL BE YOUR FAULT!
IS THERE ANYONE THAT UNDERSTANDS? AM I REALLY ALONE IN MY OWN WORLD? IS THIS GONNA BE ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?