Hospital Visit

I know I have discussed this before...my White Blood Cell Count (WBC's) is wayyyyy low. My doctor has been beating me in my head, every visit, that I need to go to the hospital to have my blood work redone.
I finally did it! YAY ME? I'M A BIG GIRL? MAYBE....
I arrive at the hospital at 9:30am, and they toss me from department to department not knowing what I need done, despite the fact that I clearly explained what I need done. Apparently the referral that I received was not one that the hospital that they sent me to accepts. So, I decided not to flip out, instead, I promptly got my pdoc on the phone and had them speak with her on the phone. I took my meds that morning, so I was able to remain calm...for a while at least.
The end result, since I was only being sent there to have blood work done, they decided to send me to the Emergency Room. It wasn't that crowded, so I decided to stay. I had no real plans for the day, so I thought that it would be cool.
Oh how wrong I was!!! Apparently, they were so concerned about me that they gave me a bed, put me on IV, oxygen, the heart monitor, and the pulse monitor.
GEEZZZZ!!!! I just came over to drop off some blood!
Then, they tell me that they might have to admit me. WHY??!!! I DUNNO!!! From what I get from the doctor's WBC's are very important. Why, I don't know...and, they won't tell me why. But, they made it out to be a big deal. I still don't get it.
I was there until 4:30pm, until they decided to tell me that it was ok for me to go home.
BUT, MY WBC'S ARE STILL LOW!
The lowest they should be, according to the report is 4.5....mine's is still 2.8....and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
My thoughts, if they didn't admit me...it can't be that bad, RIGHT?!?!

HELLLOOOO!!!!

I know it's been a hot minute. I'd give you an excuse, but I don't have one, and besides...I think you know me well enough to see through my bullshit, lol. Truth is, I haven't had access to the internet like I usually do, and I haven't gone out to search for a connection. How lazy is that? I know it had nothing to do with my illness, I was just comfortable with resting. I went through all of your blogs yesterday and found that everyone is doing rather well for the most part. I AM VERY HAPPY TO KNOW THAT! Me, I'm doing very well, staying on my meds, with some assistance, going to therapy every week, with some assistance....basically, I have someone with me who holds me accountable for everything I know I need to do. WHAT A BLESSING!!! I don't get away with anything anymore, lol, it's kinda funny, in an odd way, to me. So, let me update you all....

Oh My Goodness!!!

If I were to tell you what I went through to get to Atlanta yesterday...you'd never believe me! I almost didn't come at all!
If it weren't for my family and friends calling me and texting me...YELLING AT ME...I would still be in my bed in NYC, MISERABLE!!
Why would it be so difficult for me for me to take a flight to Atlanta to see my family you ask?!?!
Well, that would be because of the events that took place the night prior to me leaving. I'd tell you the ENTIRE story, but I think it would just make me go into rage mode again...IT WAS REALLY BAD!! So, I'll give you the extremely short version....
MY BOSS IS A CRAZY, PHSYCO, ASSHOLE!!!
He started this huge argument with me over the fact that I didn't give him a freakin' Christmas card! Apparently, he thought that over the Christmas holiday...I should have thought of him, at least a little bit. WHAT?!?!!? Why would I have done that? He sent me a text message on Christmas Day saying "Merry Xmas"...and so, I copy and pasted the EXACT same message to him.
I think that was more than a sufficient thought! I was with my family, friends, boyfriend....sorry, my boss & work, was the furthest thing from my mind!!
When I got back to work, he did give me a gift...a gift card to Macy's...I thought that was nice of him. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything, so, I said thank you...I appreciate it...and put it away. I wasn't taught to expect gifts...or that it was necessary for me to give EVERYONE I know, including my boss, a gift. You give because you want to give. If I liked him, I would have given him something like a bottle of wine or something...but, I DON'T!!!
Since when are you to expect to receive a gift from someone?!?

Anyway...the minor argument turned into him firing me at 12am! YES, HE FIRED ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A DAMN CARD!
ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE DO THINGS LIKE THAT!!!
Then...the next day, he calls me @ 5:46am....SO FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE...to apologize and say that I can have my job back.
By this time, I had already made myself sick from stress...and my anxiety was in full gear.
I broke out in hives, was throwing up, aching all over, and was sick to my stomach!

But, after resting, most of the day...and listening to my LOVED ONE'S...I re-packed my bags, went to the airport, and was able to catch a flight via stand by.

While I had to recoup all of today...I feel so good that my people's were so adamant about me getting up, leaving NYC, and relaxing with my family. Had they not been that way, I would have fallen into serious depression, and possibly even hurt someone!

Blog Posts

I'm not sure when I did it, but at some point I must have gone back and posted some of my "In Draft" posts. I'm saying this because now I only have 11 posts in draft, out of 199 posts....WHO'S THE WOMAN?!?! I AM, I AM, LOL!!!!
I still have catching up to do with the other 11, but at least I'm working on it!
LATER!!!!

Sad & Disappointed

I can't say that I'm completely surprised, but I truly wanted to be wrong about her!
My sister, the middle child from my father, has always shown signs of depression, I just never thought that it would be this bad. Last night my step-mother pulled me aside, in tears, and told me that my sister has been cutting.
WHAT?!? NO, NOT MY SISTER!
I asked her how she knew, she said that my youngest sister told my father, and they saw the scabbed cuts on her wrist. I decided to meet my father outside, while he was walking the dog, to speak to him about it. After all, I love my step-mother, but she is high in dramatics, so I was convinced that there must be some part of the story that she missed. When I made it to my father, I was told that the version of the story that I was given was, in fact, true!
What now!? This is something that no one is truly prepared for, but I am writing this post out of deepest concern and am seeking some advice, other than the obvious, on what I should do now.
Any comment/suggestion would be of GREAT HELP!
THANKS!!!

I Got In Trouble Today

I haven't been able to make any of my scheduled appointments. Why? I'm not sure...there is some kind of disconnect, but I'm not sure where it is. I've missed about three weeks of therapy, and any other appointment you can think of...I didn't show! My laundry even got dropped off a liitle over 2 weeks ago, and I have yet to pick it up. I sure hope they still have my clothes there.

I decided to make myself go to my pdoc appointment today. I mean, after all, I was running low on my meds, lol. I know, funny, but not funny! Anywho...she told me that any other patient would have been discharged by the 3rd no show. Oh, did I mention, I don't call in, show up, answer the phone, or return my messages...because, I don't check them? My pdoc was a bit pissed to say the least...she even talked loudly at me. :-O

She said that had I missed my appointment today, and not called, she would have sent a truck to my house to come and take me...

I DON'T WANNA BE TAKEN!!!

The sad part of all of this is I have no reason, nor excuse, for why I've been doing this. While I wasn't showing up to these appointments, it totally made sense to me, in my head. What's even more sad is what I was doing at the times I should have been elsewhere.

I know..so, now you want to know what I was doing...Well, to be COMPLETELY HONEST....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! For the most part, I beleive I was in my bed, doing nothing, asking myslef if I should have gotten out of my bed to make the appointment.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!?

What Is It?!?!

I'm not sure what my issue is! I'm just unable to sit and blog. Between racey thoughts & anxiety (which is more than clear), I don't know which is worse! I haven't been able to read all of your blogs either. I did some catching up just now, but noticed that alot of you are in the same still position that I'm in...this sucks!!!

Dear Father...pt. 1

Dear Father,

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'm just going to tell you what's in my heart and my spirit. I love you, and am so very grateful for you and to you. I would not be here if it weren't for you. You have taken me out of so many near death situations that I CAN'T DOUBT YOU! Though me being human, and not with out sin, makes my ask the question "why?" frequently, I know that you have a purpose for me and it assures me that everything is going to be alright.
I am thankful that you have BLESSED me with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I have come in contact with over the last 28 years, for I know it has made me stronger, more loving, and a better Christian.
I know you know where I am today, and exactly how I got here, but I still feel you next to me. My spirit is being tried....but, I remain faithful to you! I have continued to fellowship, worship, and praise YOU! I want, and know I NEED to do more...I am working on that.
I ask that you continue blessing me, my family, my friends, and anyone I have ever come in contact with, for they have assisted me on my path.

Father, I love you....

Your Child,

Amber Anique Basnight

The Dangers of ADHD

I don't mind that I have ADHD...actually, I think I prefer this illness to others, and I couldn't imagine not having it. The diagnosis was the best part of it. Knowing that it wasn't just "ME" was a huge relief. But, it does come wwith some draw backs. Now that I am on meds, I have no excuse...other than the fact that it may not be enough mg's, but I can do ok with what I have.
Consistancy is my problem, amongst a few others. I am not consistant with taking my meds. I mean, I am ok with the fact that I'll be on them forever and ever Amen. However, I have my days where I don't feel like taking them, or I simply forget, even though I am reminding myself throughout the day to take them.
What happens when I don't take them??
Well, for starters, I am VERY MOODY!! I mean it goes from one mood to the next in less than a second. I, most of the time, if asked how I'm doing, will always answer "I don't know"....because I don't.
Then there is the spontaneous part.
Yesterday, I didn't take my meds...so, I decided that I am moving back to Atlanta next month, December. I started placing phone calls to my family and friends informing them of such, and asking them for assistance finding a quick job there to get me on my feet. Also, keep in mind that I still have no car...nor a place to live. But, yesterday, none of this mattered to me in the least bit! The scary part is, had I had a car, I'd be moving this weekend.
Off meds, you never know what to expect from moment to moment.
On meds, at least you'll get a heads up.
With all of this said, today I woke up and promptly took my meds....which is why I am able to complete this post. Other voices don't tell me not to, my own voice tells me that that particular day isn't a good day to take my meds, so I don't...Maybe I should stop listening to myself...What do you think?!?

2007

This past year has been an interesting one to say the least. With Thanksgiving just passing, Christmas upon us, and the year coming to an end, I feel the need to really express my Thanks to the people who have not only played a huge part in my life this year....but in my life PERIOD. I will be writing seperate posts for everyone to assure myself that I've covered everything for every topic. This list includes, of course, first, God....and my blog family/friends. I have a lot to say for each person, so please forgive me for the length of each post.

Much Love!
Amber Anique

What I Know

I know that I'm a GREAT ACTRESS!!! I can't tell you how I know, but I should have won several Oscar's by now. If I feel it and believe it with passion...it becomes so VERY real to me!
And..I can do it without telling a lie! Now, who's better than me?!
Lol! If it wasn't for that whole "fear of rejection" thing, I would be another Halle Berry...or better! :)

I Know

I need to give you an update. I've been in lala land...no REAL reason not to blog...I just haven't. Been a little overwhelmed with a few things in my life, and need to focus. I guess I'll have to begin somewhere huh?
What's worse is I haven't even been checking on my blog family...I'm the WORST!!!
I pray that everyone is doing well, and I haven't missed too much of your lives!
Promise to get updated soon, and update you all on my goings on...MUCH LOVE!!!!

The Big 5 - 4

Yup, 54 posts in draft. Why? Because I couldn't focus long enough to complete it. So sad! Or, maybe it was when I was blogging via Blackberry, and saved the posts to draft and never got a chance to post them....well, maybe not so much "not having a chance", but more so, forgetting all about them, so they never got posted. SO EMBARASSING!!!!
Here's a positive twist to it....I still have a lot more to tell you!! :)

Bloop!

Nothing amazing going on over here.
I am working! It's pretty cool because it's a DUMMY PROOF job! And, I get to wear my favorite outfit! T-shirt, jeans, and flip flops!!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!!
Anyway.....

I went to therapy this morning. I guess since I'm feeling better, my tdoc felt the need to delve into my past and my relationship with my mother, or lack there of.
I told her everything just as calmly as could be, minus any emotion. She was very surprised how I had no visable feeling, and I couldn't understand why she was surprised. I am so over that!!!! I will not allow my life to become a sorrow story as a result of her mistreatment or her abuse!
The tdoc explained how I may start to feel sad/depressed after our sessions because we are bringing up past memories that may be painful....UHHHHH....I DON'T THINK SO!!!
NOT I SAID THE CAT!!!!
NOT THIS TIME!
I've alotted a VERY small area in my mind for my past. It's an itty bitty purple box that has a lock and key. I care not to open it! I won't even share what I would do if I opened it because I don't know...never thought about it.
I'm just gonna stay in my happy place!

Question???

How many blog posts do you have in draft?
I have 54...I start, then something takes me away from it...WEIRD!
I'm gonna go back and try to figure out what I was trying to say, and post them. CLEARLY, they were important enough for me to begin the post...
What do you think?

Yeah, I know, it's been a minute since I've posted. I have no "real" reason as to why I haven't posted. I guess I've been busy enjoying my mind. I'm still blogging in my head....a little annoying, but it just means that I have something to tell you all.
I'm doing pretty good! Not 100%, but I'm thankful to feel semi-Amber "normal" after everything I've been through this year! Of course, you know, I went back on meds...and I'm happy to report that since I've received my Concerta, I haven't missed one day...haven't even considered not taking my daily dosage! YAY ME!!! THAT'S HUGE!
Still, in the back of my head, it sucks to know that I'll be taking meds for the rest of my life...but, I don't mind so much if it enables me to feel better. I'm still waiting to go up to my desired dosage of Concerta, 45 mg, but if I had a choice between what I have now, 36 mg, and nothing...I assure you, I'd stick with what I have. It's just that good!!!

Concerta Update

Feeling pretty good. Getting used to having clarity. Making some decisions that I wasn't able to make before.
One side effect of Concerta is weight loss. I haven't seen it yet, of course I haven't, it's only been a few days. However, the loss of appetite is already VERY CLEAR! I'm gonna pay close attention to that. Last time I was on Concerta I lost 30lbs in less than 3 mths. Can't let that happen again...maybe 10lbs...not 30!
Other than that...all is good!

My frustration now is...WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?!?!
Now that I'm to think more clear, I feel like this is the time for me to think about it, & go for it!!!!
Last night I was awake just thinking and starring at the ceiling...
My question to myself is...WHAT IS MY PASSION?
HMMMMM.....I DUNNO!!!
I thought REALLY HARD ABOUT IT!!! REALLY HARD!!!

I haven't made a final decision, but, I think I'm a more audio person than a visual person.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?!?
HELP ME WILL YA!!!

I Forgot...

I didn't mention what books I picked up the other day. SORRY ABOUT THAT!!!
The 2 books that I picked up from the library was...

* How Starbucks Saved My Life, by Michael Gates Gill

* The Right to Write, by Julia Cameron


I picked up the first one because it caught my eye. I mean...if Starbucks saved ANYONE'S LIFE I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
Turned out to be a GREAT BOOK! I didn't even know that it was a biography until I got to the register....people say, don't judge a book by it's cover, but I say...if the cover calls your name, TAKE IT!!!

The second was recommended by Rylah (thanks ;-) ), I start reading it tomorrow. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I looked over it already, and it seems like a good read!

I've been dying to get the book Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, ever since I saw her interview on Oprah 2 weeks ago. I don't know why...but, I had to have that book!!! I couldn't find the book at ANY library, so, I had to do the right thing...I WENT TO BARNES & NOBLE AND PURCHASED THE BOOK!!! Hey, I couldn't help it, just like the Starbucks book, it said my name.


I finished the Starbucks book, and should be finishing the other two, if not one, this week, and I'll keep you updated.

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

I feel like a part of my life has been given back! I haven't felt this good about myself, or anything else for that matter, since last yeah. Amazing what the RIGHT meds can do for a person's life and well being!
Today....BETTER....HAPPY!!!!! :)