Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Stress

Not knowing what I'm going to do next stresses me out. How bills are going to be paid, where are we going to live next week....the stress makes me not want to write/blog. It makes me not want to do the obvious thing and take my laptop into the city to be repaired. I'd feel better if I had my computer. At least then I could do work online.
Now with the economy going the way it's going, I find myself accepting positions for work that I normally would never consider. Work that makes me travel 2 hours out of the way for FUTURE money.
Which means, the money won't be available until a few months from now....but my real concern is what are we going to do until then!
My bf does his best to make me laugh & smile. While I do my best to encourage & convince him that the fat lady won't sing for us. Relationship wise, oddly enough, we are doing A LOT better. The respect factor & togetherness has come back...it's putting me in a much needed, calmer place.
Every church service I attend, Pastor reminds us that God will never give us more than we can bear. Sometimes he has to tear us down, to get rid of whatever is hindering us, to build us up again.
Well, I'm here to say, I'm torn down...we are torn down! But, I can't help but feel that we're going through all of this, together, for a reason.
Pastor says don't look to others for an explanation & a result. No one but God can give it to you.
After almost an entire year...my bf & I have come this far....& have stressed as a couple....THERE IS A REASON!
Other couples I know have gone through worse & have come out on top...they've even gotten married! They stuck out their issues, together, & made it through the storm.
This isn't a "Woe Is Me", as my bf would say, post. Rather, a post to try to get some of this crap circling around in my head, OUT!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Back "In Draft"

Just realized that I have 17 "Draft" posts...sup with that?!?

It doesn't help that my computer crashed. Actually, it's making EVERYTHING WORSE!
Why I'm so attached to my computer I really don't know. But, I missed it! It would make everything that is going on around me more bearable if I had it!

In HIDING!

I do this frequently!! I am currently in hiding. I don't want to be bothered with anyone or anything! Probably because of stress, I haven't gone back on my meds like I said I would, I have to move out of my parents asap, I have to go back to work, just took a leave of absence from schol so that I can go back to work, and to top it ALL off...MY LAPTOP CRASHED!!!
I feel like NOTHING!
I HAVE NOTHING!! SLOWLY SLIPPING INTO DEPRESSION...but, trying hard to fight it.
I'm really upset that I had to stop school to go back to work.
Trying to divise another plan, outside of my original plan, that would make sense to me, in my head, so I won't feel as bad.
I don't think that I'm upset, more like disappointed in myself.
Just had an anxiety attack, in the office I'm training in for my new job...I went to the bathroom & cried it out...but, apparently it's still all over my face. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!
Why does it seem like EVERYONE ELSE has it all together? I WANNA BE TOGETHER!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Anxiety Attacks

This week alone, I've had 4! I'm actually in the middle of one now. Large changes trigger it, HELL, small changes are triggering it now. Just popped 3 Xanax, hopefully it'll calm me down. I'm in front of family & don't want them to see, but I never did hide my emotions well.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Touching

I have recently noticed that I relate emotions directly to touching. So, for instance, if my bf doesn't touch me, I immediately think that there is something wrong, or that no matter how much it's said that he loves me, I don't believe it.
Maybe I've been deprived hugs as a child, I don't know. Touching can mean, holding my hand, my foot touching his as we sleep, or a kiss on the forhead, but if I'm not being touched, in some way, frequently, then I don't feel like you care.
Be honest with me...is this twisted?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sad

I've eaten all the chocolate my stomach can take.
Could barely eat a complete meal.
Didn't bother attending school today.
I'm so incredibly sad, I just don't know what to do.
I'm crying as I'm writing this because there is nothing I can do but sit here and watch as what I tried so hard to build falls apart into, almost, invisible pieces.
I've asked everyone what I should do and the answer remains the same...there is nothing more I can do.
THANK GOD FOR MY PDOC APPOINTMENT TOMORROW...MAYBE SHE'LL BE ABLE TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER...