It Wasn't An Impulse

It's something that I know I need to do for me to get where I want to be.
Today, I went and re-enrolled for school.
Here's my thought....I work down the street from my job. Why can't I leave a few minutes early for school?
My biggest concern is my meds....& how this SEVERE schedule & life change will affect me. This is something that I NEED TO COMPLETE!
I've never really completed anything...I do have a little bit of a support system now, but I know I can't count on them ALL OF THE TIME!
This is a CHANCE that I'm taking....
WISH ME LUCK!!!

The Results Are In....

I officially weight...120lbs.

I don't know how I did it!
I promise you, it wasn't on purpose!!!
I make extra effort to only eat junk!!!
My pdoc said that maybe I should start thinking about changing my meds. She said that it's the Concerta that is making me lose so much weight. While I know this is true, I REFUSE TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE!!! I REFUSE TO STOP TAKING WHAT WORKS FOR ME, AND BE USED A FREAKING TEST DUMMY, AGAIN!!!!

SO...what now?!

I don't know...but, Concerta works...THIS I DO KNOW!!!

WHAT AM I DOING?!?

I DUNNO!!!

I haven't been to the pdoc in a month. Yeah, I know, I should have gone. But, I really didn't feel like going. I'm just not in the mood to discuss all f the things that are going wrong. I don't feel like having someone MAKE me face the realities that is my life. I'd just rather deal with them when I'm ready. When will I be ready? Who knows! But, I know I need to come up with a good excuse by Monday. I have to see the pdoc & tdoc on Monday in order to re-up my meds....SHUCKS....

The scariest part for me, I think, is the weigh in...I know I've lost a lot of weight, but I'll find out the actual number at the docs office. The last time I weighed myself, I was 125lbs, in a size 4....well...I'm a bit smaller than that now.
OK, "a bit" i an understatement...I don't know how much I weigh, but I do know my size is between 0 & 1.... :-0


Is that REALLY BAD?!?

My weight loss is noticeable, however, family, friends, co-workers, and my "bf" claim that I don't look sick...just very small.

I'll post pics, before & after soon...and you can tell me.

Overwhelmed

This is what I do!!
When things aren't going well in my life, I consume myself with work.

Hi! My name is Amber Anique, and I am a Work-a-holic!!!
Sometimes it works to my benefit, like I am able to occupy my free time at work doing actual work...and, prior to my 3 month anniversary, I received a raise...YAYYYY ME!!!

I'll have to let you know in a bit how this is not a positive thing!

Feeling....Hmmm....

Not good or bad at the moment. I guess that's a small upside to my extremities.
Right now I am focusing on me. Apparently, according to my family and friends, it's something I've never done before. Odd, because I thought I did all of the time.
I am no longer in a relationship, which, as of now, I think it may be a good thing.
We broke up on Friday, and so far, I seem to be taking it very well. I guess it helps that I am swamped with work.
I miss him & the baby SO MUCH.
When I wake up, I find myself trying to figure out where I am, and why that alarm is going off. After 20 minutes of trying to adjust, I realize, I don't live with him, he's not next to me the wall is, I won't lean over him and kiss him goodbye as I'm walking out the door to go to work. When I get off from work, I won't go back to "our" apartment...rather, I'll be going to my room in my parents house.
I love him, and I always will...I guess this was just the wrong time for "us".

I'm sad & heartbroke....but, I'll be ok....IT'S "ME" TIME!! LOOK OUT WORLD!!!

Allergy Meds That Can Lead to Suicide?!?!

So, depression has been getting the better of me, despite the fact that everything seems to be getting better.
It's like having another job...on top of being a girlfriend, a "step-mother", a sister, a daughter, and making an attempt to take care of self....I'M EXHAUSTED!!!! WHEW!!! LMBO!!!

Anyway, in my best efforts, I've been keeping up with my blogger family, only to come across Marissa's post on Singulair.
VERY DISTURBING!!!
I've been taking Singulair for the past few years due to an annoying stress cough. After reading this post, I decided to come off of it for a little while and see what happens. What I do remember is when I wrote the post, Suicidal Thoughts, I had taken 2 pills just before I started having those feelings...Connection?!?! I don't know, but, it's worth researching!!! I'll keep you updated, as I continue to cough.

Suicidal Thought

I had one the other night, more specifically, I had it on Saturday.

I try to stay in good spirits, but it's hard when the person around you is constantly miserable.
I understand where it's coming from, but, at the time, I didn't see how it was affecting me, until that thought came about.

As we laid in bed, him in a DEEP sleep, and me, just watching him sleep, it happened...
If I took some extra pills, I could go peacefully....
I would give my life so that he wouldn't have to feel anymore pain, sorrow, or sadness....
I could do it, and he would be better...then everything could go back to normal for him....

As silly as it may seem...this is really what I was thinking. That's where I was that night. It was all I could think about...but, I didn't do it.

Why?!?!

Because, first, why am I putting more value on his life than my own?
Then, I thought, the only one I sould be sacrificing my life for is God.
After, I thought about my family....How would they feel about it?
Finally....would that make him happy/better...or would it further depress him as I took my life for him, and beside him, and there was nothing he could do about it....It would have been his fault.

I'm ok now, I even seperated my emotion from his, which was hard.
But, now, how will this effect the relationship? Is this another Season?
God, please help me.....

Insurance

In about a month, I will have medical insurance.
Normally, I'd be excited, but I just found out more detail about our companies coverage, IT SUCKS!!!
I'm going to be paying $200/mth, and my OBGYN isn't listed with them.
So, that means I'll have to search for another one?!?! WHAT?!?!
I love all of my doctors, and have been with them forever. To search for a new one is shear torture!!!
The only good thing about me having the coverage is that when I get it, I'll be able to get more Singular for my annoying stress cough. Yup, it's back. And, honestly, this time, I think I'm doing it to myself...errrr, maybe I did it to myself all of the other times also....but, why blame myself if I don't have to? LOL!!!
Anyway, other than that my life is pretty still, THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!
I'm HEAVY in prayer for my other ailments....but everything is seemingly A. O. K. That works for me at the moment.

I am having some anxiety and impulsive thoughts/feelings...but, have worked extra hard not to act on them.
I'm trying!!!

Work

I left work early, again, today. I have a problem with sitting there and having nothing to do. It's such a waste of time, & life. It frustrates me to the point I feel like I'm going crazy.
I realize that a major part of it has to do with my inability to pace myself, but geezzzzz!!!!
Can I get some work over this-a-way.
I am a work-a-holic, which means you need to pile things up for me to do, I really don't mind!
This past Wednesday I had to cover someone else's territory & take care of my own....it was the most fun I had since I've been there! Give me more days like that!
I get to work at 9am, and generally have completed my work by, or before, 12pm.
If they don't have anything else for me to do, why can't I leave early? What am I staying for?!

Get Punched in the EYE!!!!

I REALLY DO LIKE MY JOB....I USED TO THINK IS WHAT THE BEST JOB OUT THERE, FOR ME, AT THE MOMENT. NOW...I FEEL OTHERWISE.

Ok, so maybe I'm going a bit over the top, but hear me out first.....

A bit of background info.....

I work in a small office in the city for an online, no fee, apartment listing company. My job is to update listings...basically, I make sure that the apartments are still vacant. So, I call & send out a ton of emails daily.
When an owner/company doesn't respond within 10 days, I remove them from our site, and set them up to be recalled 4 days later.
I don't do the recalls....someone else has that job.

That said person, has a quota to meet...their job is to contact the owners/companies and put them back into our database.

Here's what happened....

I removed a company from our database, who apparently has caller ID, because I couldn't get in touch with them. This company had around 27 aparments listed with us....it's kind of a large number.
Anyway, since the number was so large, my manager had me continue calling from other phones, and blocking the incoming number until they answered. I, of course, said fuck 'em...pardon the language.
Finally, around 3 or 4 days later, someone answered the phone. I made it very clear that I would not repost their information to our site if I can't have their cooperation. The lady agreed, and gave me her personal info so I could reach her and get the updates that I need.
I went into our database, and one by one, started reposting....not alot of work, but it's very time consuming.
After reposting, I continued about my day.

Toward the end of the day, I received a call from a very annoying customer, I'm not the only one who feels this way. He wanted information on apartments, which isn't an issue, but he calls everyday and then gets annoyed if I am busy and need to call him back. Meanwhile...he hasn't paid for the service, we're doing this strictly off of GP.
My manager told me to give him some listings from the comapany that I just reposted. He said let him be their headache since they gave us a headache.
I go into our database and what do I see?!??!

DUDE, that has the job of reposting, WENT INTO THE SYSTEM, ERASED MY NAME, AND ENTERED HIS.
THEN, HE HAD THE NERVE TO HAND IT INTO THE MANAGER TO GET CREDIT FOR IT.

WHAT?!?!? AWWWWW CRAPPPPP....WE 'BOUT 2 HAVE A FIGHT!!!!!

I confronted him, in front of my manager, and asked him what was going on with that particular account.
He says...."Oh, yeah, I just went in and put my name on some of them."

DUDE MUST HAVE BUMPED HIS FREAKIN' HEAD!!!!

I looked at my manager, and I think I must have turned 3 shades lighter....I was about to flip out!!!

Keep in mind, this company holds no monetary value for him or I. However, we are required to be at a certain percentage each day. And, it's the principal of the whole thing....THERE ARE PRINCIPALITIES IN THIS!!!! LMBO!!!

My view....

HE STOLE FROM ME, HE TOOK CREDIT FOR WORK THAT I DID....HE MUST BE FIRED...OR I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PUNCH HIM IN THE EYE & GIVE HIM A FAT LIP!!!
My boss made me calm down and said he'd take care of it. He knew how the account was gotten back, and he would correct it....BUT DUDE IS STILL WORKING HERE!!!!!

If his theiving tail isn't gone by the end of this week....I'm gonna use his hair to dust the floor!!!! WORD!!!

A Little on the Busy Side

Just a little...not alot!
I'm still actively taking meds & going to therapy once a week. I'm doing alot better, and I actual enjoy my job!!!!
I don't make a ton of money...but, it's decent pay, and I don't think about it when I go home. I leave work at work....so, I'm able to keep my sanity, go home to my love and just focus on us.
This is the first time I've ever been able to do this, and it is an incredible feeling.
I still have my "moments", which I will go into later, however, I they have been few and far between.

This is my HAPPY POST!!! :-)

Thanks Daddy-s!!!

I have two father's.....and, today, I just have to say thank you to both of them!

I couldn't have asked for a better support system today. I didn't know what to do. All I could do is shed tears of frustration.
Through all of this, they were able to hear me....and, really, for once, I was able to HEAR them!

I spent all of this morning popping Xanax, to no avail. What I was seeking was that calm that allows you to think, and feel, rationally. It didn't happen. I think I started taking them after my anxiety attack was already in full gear...stupid!!!

My Daddy in NYC, held me, as I cried, asked what was wrong, and assured me that everything was going to be ok.
My Daddy in South Carolina called me and reminded me of who was important, and that I had to take care of me first.
That's something I often forget.
They both told me that I will have their full support no matter what my final decision is. I knew that already....but, sometimes, it feels better for it to be confirmed.

They don't read my blogs....but, I had to let you all know how grateful & lucky I am to have 2 of the BEST FATHER'S IN THE WORLD!!!

I'm An Extremist

There is no gray area with me....it's either Right or Left...Up or Down...Black or White....THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN!!!

Which means that the end result for me, for some, may not be the most rational. But, to me, it makes COMPLETE SENSE!!

This morning, I packed up and moved out.
Why?!
Because he didn't get home until 8am....
Where was he?
Somewhere gambling....

The problem isn't completely what he did....but more of the fact that he didn't call me. For me to know that he was ok...or to ask if I was ok.

So...after many calls, one voice message, several texts, and calling several local hospitals....I packed up & left!!
I didn't want to hear an explaination...to me, THERE IS NONE!!!

I'M TIRED OF BEING NICE & NOT BEING APPRECIATED!!!! SCREW SUGARCOATING!!!!! LET'S BE REAL!!!!!!

TINA TURNER DUDE!!!!

I'm not saying it's completely over....we talked after my rage allowed him to speak.
What I am saying is that certain things aren't working, & in order for me to continue in this relationship the things that aren't working need to be fixed...or that's it for me!!!

As I Sit Drinking A Pepsi

I'm going to regret it later....BUT BOY DOES IT FEEL GOOD GOING DOWN!!!
Yup, I'm still doing things I know I shouldn't....but, I'm also doing what I'm supposed to....does that balance things out?

HELLO!!!

I know, I'm slacking, for real!!!
I don't have any excuses....other than the fact that I'm doing ok.
I'm am the extremist!!!
It's either one extreme or the other. I'm either blogging all the time, or not at all. I'm trying to find a balance, but this has always been difficult for me. Now that I'm working again, it's the same "workaholic" mentality that everyone knows and loves, lol....SARCASIM, OF COURSE!
The good thing about my job is I don't, and can't, take my work home with me. So, no more sleeping with Profit & Loss Statements for me. I only sleep with my boyfriend :-)
THAT'S A VERY GOOD THING!!!
For the most part, I am very happy. I'm a little more stable, probably because I make sure I take my meds, EVERYDAY!

I do have a few things to update you on, and since it's such a sloppy day out, I think we'll be staying in tonight, so, I should be able to get in a few posts.

Hang tight for a sec......

Went to visit my GYN

Was time for a check up. I'm so glad I did!!
I LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!
Even though I had to pay the expense out of pocket, it was well worth the feeling of comfort & acceptance!!

I haven't gone to see him since October of '06....& with my white blood count being such a major for my pdoc & tdoc, I figured I'd get an opinion I'd trust. Of course since I haven't seen him since I've been completely on meds, I had to give him a run down of the what's & why's.

His response - Amber, I'm so proud of you!

I gave him a "thank you, but why expression"...I always need to know why, lol!!!
He said that he is proud that I decided to find out, from a professional, why I felt the way I felt, & what could be done about it. He went on to give me the statistics, of which I already know, and said that he is proud of the choice that I made.
He then went on to ask me when/how I knew something was wrong. I gave him my history. And, he said...JOB WELL DONE!!!

THIS IS THE TYPE OF ACCEPTANCE THAT WE ALL LOVE!!! JUST KNOWING THAT SOMEONE, BESIDES OURSELVES, BELIEVES IN US & IS PROUD, MAKES US STRIVE TO DO BETTER!!!

Up To Date & Amazed

I am finally caught up with everyone else's blog. It took some time, but I did it! YAYYYY ME!!!

One of my favorite blogs gave me some very interesting news...in light of Superbowl Season...Herschel Walker is releasing a tell all book called "Breaking Free", that will chronicle his life with Multiple Personality Disorder(MPD).
It seems as if no one in his immediate circle had a clue...which doesn't say a whole lot to me because I know first hand about how people with mental illnesses can hid it.
In my opinion, having a man of his stature write a book about his true SELF is a HUGE STEP in the right direction.

Hospital Visit

I know I have discussed this before...my White Blood Cell Count (WBC's) is wayyyyy low. My doctor has been beating me in my head, every visit, that I need to go to the hospital to have my blood work redone.
I finally did it! YAY ME? I'M A BIG GIRL? MAYBE....
I arrive at the hospital at 9:30am, and they toss me from department to department not knowing what I need done, despite the fact that I clearly explained what I need done. Apparently the referral that I received was not one that the hospital that they sent me to accepts. So, I decided not to flip out, instead, I promptly got my pdoc on the phone and had them speak with her on the phone. I took my meds that morning, so I was able to remain calm...for a while at least.
The end result, since I was only being sent there to have blood work done, they decided to send me to the Emergency Room. It wasn't that crowded, so I decided to stay. I had no real plans for the day, so I thought that it would be cool.
Oh how wrong I was!!! Apparently, they were so concerned about me that they gave me a bed, put me on IV, oxygen, the heart monitor, and the pulse monitor.
GEEZZZZ!!!! I just came over to drop off some blood!
Then, they tell me that they might have to admit me. WHY??!!! I DUNNO!!! From what I get from the doctor's WBC's are very important. Why, I don't know...and, they won't tell me why. But, they made it out to be a big deal. I still don't get it.
I was there until 4:30pm, until they decided to tell me that it was ok for me to go home.
BUT, MY WBC'S ARE STILL LOW!
The lowest they should be, according to the report is 4.5....mine's is still 2.8....and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
My thoughts, if they didn't admit me...it can't be that bad, RIGHT?!?!

HELLLOOOO!!!!

I know it's been a hot minute. I'd give you an excuse, but I don't have one, and besides...I think you know me well enough to see through my bullshit, lol. Truth is, I haven't had access to the internet like I usually do, and I haven't gone out to search for a connection. How lazy is that? I know it had nothing to do with my illness, I was just comfortable with resting. I went through all of your blogs yesterday and found that everyone is doing rather well for the most part. I AM VERY HAPPY TO KNOW THAT! Me, I'm doing very well, staying on my meds, with some assistance, going to therapy every week, with some assistance....basically, I have someone with me who holds me accountable for everything I know I need to do. WHAT A BLESSING!!! I don't get away with anything anymore, lol, it's kinda funny, in an odd way, to me. So, let me update you all....

Oh My Goodness!!!

If I were to tell you what I went through to get to Atlanta yesterday...you'd never believe me! I almost didn't come at all!
If it weren't for my family and friends calling me and texting me...YELLING AT ME...I would still be in my bed in NYC, MISERABLE!!
Why would it be so difficult for me for me to take a flight to Atlanta to see my family you ask?!?!
Well, that would be because of the events that took place the night prior to me leaving. I'd tell you the ENTIRE story, but I think it would just make me go into rage mode again...IT WAS REALLY BAD!! So, I'll give you the extremely short version....
MY BOSS IS A CRAZY, PHSYCO, ASSHOLE!!!
He started this huge argument with me over the fact that I didn't give him a freakin' Christmas card! Apparently, he thought that over the Christmas holiday...I should have thought of him, at least a little bit. WHAT?!?!!? Why would I have done that? He sent me a text message on Christmas Day saying "Merry Xmas"...and so, I copy and pasted the EXACT same message to him.
I think that was more than a sufficient thought! I was with my family, friends, boyfriend....sorry, my boss & work, was the furthest thing from my mind!!
When I got back to work, he did give me a gift...a gift card to Macy's...I thought that was nice of him. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything, so, I said thank you...I appreciate it...and put it away. I wasn't taught to expect gifts...or that it was necessary for me to give EVERYONE I know, including my boss, a gift. You give because you want to give. If I liked him, I would have given him something like a bottle of wine or something...but, I DON'T!!!
Since when are you to expect to receive a gift from someone?!?

Anyway...the minor argument turned into him firing me at 12am! YES, HE FIRED ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A DAMN CARD!
ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE DO THINGS LIKE THAT!!!
Then...the next day, he calls me @ 5:46am....SO FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE...to apologize and say that I can have my job back.
By this time, I had already made myself sick from stress...and my anxiety was in full gear.
I broke out in hives, was throwing up, aching all over, and was sick to my stomach!

But, after resting, most of the day...and listening to my LOVED ONE'S...I re-packed my bags, went to the airport, and was able to catch a flight via stand by.

While I had to recoup all of today...I feel so good that my people's were so adamant about me getting up, leaving NYC, and relaxing with my family. Had they not been that way, I would have fallen into serious depression, and possibly even hurt someone!

Blog Posts

I'm not sure when I did it, but at some point I must have gone back and posted some of my "In Draft" posts. I'm saying this because now I only have 11 posts in draft, out of 199 posts....WHO'S THE WOMAN?!?! I AM, I AM, LOL!!!!
I still have catching up to do with the other 11, but at least I'm working on it!
LATER!!!!

Sad & Disappointed

I can't say that I'm completely surprised, but I truly wanted to be wrong about her!
My sister, the middle child from my father, has always shown signs of depression, I just never thought that it would be this bad. Last night my step-mother pulled me aside, in tears, and told me that my sister has been cutting.
WHAT?!? NO, NOT MY SISTER!
I asked her how she knew, she said that my youngest sister told my father, and they saw the scabbed cuts on her wrist. I decided to meet my father outside, while he was walking the dog, to speak to him about it. After all, I love my step-mother, but she is high in dramatics, so I was convinced that there must be some part of the story that she missed. When I made it to my father, I was told that the version of the story that I was given was, in fact, true!
What now!? This is something that no one is truly prepared for, but I am writing this post out of deepest concern and am seeking some advice, other than the obvious, on what I should do now.
Any comment/suggestion would be of GREAT HELP!
THANKS!!!

I Got In Trouble Today

I haven't been able to make any of my scheduled appointments. Why? I'm not sure...there is some kind of disconnect, but I'm not sure where it is. I've missed about three weeks of therapy, and any other appointment you can think of...I didn't show! My laundry even got dropped off a liitle over 2 weeks ago, and I have yet to pick it up. I sure hope they still have my clothes there.

I decided to make myself go to my pdoc appointment today. I mean, after all, I was running low on my meds, lol. I know, funny, but not funny! Anywho...she told me that any other patient would have been discharged by the 3rd no show. Oh, did I mention, I don't call in, show up, answer the phone, or return my messages...because, I don't check them? My pdoc was a bit pissed to say the least...she even talked loudly at me. :-O

She said that had I missed my appointment today, and not called, she would have sent a truck to my house to come and take me...

I DON'T WANNA BE TAKEN!!!

The sad part of all of this is I have no reason, nor excuse, for why I've been doing this. While I wasn't showing up to these appointments, it totally made sense to me, in my head. What's even more sad is what I was doing at the times I should have been elsewhere.

I know..so, now you want to know what I was doing...Well, to be COMPLETELY HONEST....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! For the most part, I beleive I was in my bed, doing nothing, asking myslef if I should have gotten out of my bed to make the appointment.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!?

What Is It?!?!

I'm not sure what my issue is! I'm just unable to sit and blog. Between racey thoughts & anxiety (which is more than clear), I don't know which is worse! I haven't been able to read all of your blogs either. I did some catching up just now, but noticed that alot of you are in the same still position that I'm in...this sucks!!!

Dear Father...pt. 1

Dear Father,

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'm just going to tell you what's in my heart and my spirit. I love you, and am so very grateful for you and to you. I would not be here if it weren't for you. You have taken me out of so many near death situations that I CAN'T DOUBT YOU! Though me being human, and not with out sin, makes my ask the question "why?" frequently, I know that you have a purpose for me and it assures me that everything is going to be alright.
I am thankful that you have BLESSED me with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I have come in contact with over the last 28 years, for I know it has made me stronger, more loving, and a better Christian.
I know you know where I am today, and exactly how I got here, but I still feel you next to me. My spirit is being tried....but, I remain faithful to you! I have continued to fellowship, worship, and praise YOU! I want, and know I NEED to do more...I am working on that.
I ask that you continue blessing me, my family, my friends, and anyone I have ever come in contact with, for they have assisted me on my path.

Father, I love you....

Your Child,

Amber Anique Basnight

The Dangers of ADHD

I don't mind that I have ADHD...actually, I think I prefer this illness to others, and I couldn't imagine not having it. The diagnosis was the best part of it. Knowing that it wasn't just "ME" was a huge relief. But, it does come wwith some draw backs. Now that I am on meds, I have no excuse...other than the fact that it may not be enough mg's, but I can do ok with what I have.
Consistancy is my problem, amongst a few others. I am not consistant with taking my meds. I mean, I am ok with the fact that I'll be on them forever and ever Amen. However, I have my days where I don't feel like taking them, or I simply forget, even though I am reminding myself throughout the day to take them.
What happens when I don't take them??
Well, for starters, I am VERY MOODY!! I mean it goes from one mood to the next in less than a second. I, most of the time, if asked how I'm doing, will always answer "I don't know"....because I don't.
Then there is the spontaneous part.
Yesterday, I didn't take my meds...so, I decided that I am moving back to Atlanta next month, December. I started placing phone calls to my family and friends informing them of such, and asking them for assistance finding a quick job there to get me on my feet. Also, keep in mind that I still have no car...nor a place to live. But, yesterday, none of this mattered to me in the least bit! The scary part is, had I had a car, I'd be moving this weekend.
Off meds, you never know what to expect from moment to moment.
On meds, at least you'll get a heads up.
With all of this said, today I woke up and promptly took my meds....which is why I am able to complete this post. Other voices don't tell me not to, my own voice tells me that that particular day isn't a good day to take my meds, so I don't...Maybe I should stop listening to myself...What do you think?!?

2007

This past year has been an interesting one to say the least. With Thanksgiving just passing, Christmas upon us, and the year coming to an end, I feel the need to really express my Thanks to the people who have not only played a huge part in my life this year....but in my life PERIOD. I will be writing seperate posts for everyone to assure myself that I've covered everything for every topic. This list includes, of course, first, God....and my blog family/friends. I have a lot to say for each person, so please forgive me for the length of each post.

Much Love!
Amber Anique

What I Know

I know that I'm a GREAT ACTRESS!!! I can't tell you how I know, but I should have won several Oscar's by now. If I feel it and believe it with passion...it becomes so VERY real to me!
And..I can do it without telling a lie! Now, who's better than me?!
Lol! If it wasn't for that whole "fear of rejection" thing, I would be another Halle Berry...or better! :)

I Know

I need to give you an update. I've been in lala land...no REAL reason not to blog...I just haven't. Been a little overwhelmed with a few things in my life, and need to focus. I guess I'll have to begin somewhere huh?
What's worse is I haven't even been checking on my blog family...I'm the WORST!!!
I pray that everyone is doing well, and I haven't missed too much of your lives!
Promise to get updated soon, and update you all on my goings on...MUCH LOVE!!!!

The Big 5 - 4

Yup, 54 posts in draft. Why? Because I couldn't focus long enough to complete it. So sad! Or, maybe it was when I was blogging via Blackberry, and saved the posts to draft and never got a chance to post them....well, maybe not so much "not having a chance", but more so, forgetting all about them, so they never got posted. SO EMBARASSING!!!!
Here's a positive twist to it....I still have a lot more to tell you!! :)

Bloop!

Nothing amazing going on over here.
I am working! It's pretty cool because it's a DUMMY PROOF job! And, I get to wear my favorite outfit! T-shirt, jeans, and flip flops!!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!!
Anyway.....

I went to therapy this morning. I guess since I'm feeling better, my tdoc felt the need to delve into my past and my relationship with my mother, or lack there of.
I told her everything just as calmly as could be, minus any emotion. She was very surprised how I had no visable feeling, and I couldn't understand why she was surprised. I am so over that!!!! I will not allow my life to become a sorrow story as a result of her mistreatment or her abuse!
The tdoc explained how I may start to feel sad/depressed after our sessions because we are bringing up past memories that may be painful....UHHHHH....I DON'T THINK SO!!!
NOT I SAID THE CAT!!!!
NOT THIS TIME!
I've alotted a VERY small area in my mind for my past. It's an itty bitty purple box that has a lock and key. I care not to open it! I won't even share what I would do if I opened it because I don't know...never thought about it.
I'm just gonna stay in my happy place!