Ritalin LA

The mess doesn't work for me!
I took it yesterday and it didn't help at all!
I waited until Sunday to take it because I knew that would be the one sure way I could tell whether or not it worked.
So, I woke up early, popped a pill, and then prepared myself for church.
I got to church, and while I was happy I made it there, I really wished I had stayed home. There were no traces of Ritalin in me. EVERYTHING was magnified, and I wanted to choke everyone....did I mention I was at church?
One of my BIGGEST frustrations is being in church and not being able to pray, sit through praise and worship, or even listen to the message that the pastor is preaching. It makes me cry...pools of frustration tears. And so I did, sitting beside my younger sisters, I cried...I cried out of frustration and because I was full, and needed to let go. Church, to me, seems to be the only place that I can cry at any time, in front of people, without judgement.
I go back to the pdoc tomorrow...and I'll be telling her that she can stick this bottle where the sun don't shine!

Pdoc Appointment on Friday

Let's just say that it "went".
I showed up a little earlier than normal and my pdoc wasn't back from lunch as of yet. She called me early that morning and asked me to come in later in the afternoon because they were having problems with their delivery. Normally that would set me off because it's an inconvenience on me, but I let it go and agreed. I waited for about 15 minutes. She finally shows up with my meds in hand...how she got them, I have no clue, but whatever! I walk into her office and sit down and she starts explaining the meds to me.
Trazodone, Ritalin LA, and Lithium...and then my gag reflexes start to work over time.

I then tell her that I will not be starting Lithium. My issue is that she is trying to treat my symptoms rather than my diagnosis, which is seemimgly alot worse. I have no problem with that if it made sense, but to me, it doesn't. She claims my initial diagnosis is correct but she see's alot of bipolar in my symptoms....well then, do the study, give another diagnosis, and then treat me. Until I'm told I am bipolar, I will not allow anyone to treat me as if I am. It is what it is...and if it's not, don't drug me with extra meds...I think it's a conspiracy....she just wants to make me dependent on drugs...I WON'T ALLOW IT! NOT THIS TIME LADY!

So I took the Trazodone and Ritalin LA, left the Lithium on the desk, and told her I'd see her next week.

That'll learn 'em! LOL!

Frustration

I want to be able to do EVERYTHING, and I believe that I can. But I'm sitting on my bed thinking...can I really? I want to be a wife, mother, model, writer, audio engineer, teacher, therapist, forensic scientist, organizer, accountant, appraiser, makeup artist, singer, dancer, counselor, actress, interior decorator, stylist...there is so much more....WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I can't focus on any ONE thing.
Truth be told, I was going to school for accounting, then dropped out. I was in school for real estate appraisal, dropped out and never went back to take my finals. I was a model, but stopped. I was in a singing group, but it broke up, and I never continued pursuing it. I was "interning"
with an audio engineer, and ...well, you know what happened.

I start and stop everything. I can't focus on anything for an extended period of time. I want to find a profession, but can't stick with anything because I want to do everything, and because I can't focus...SO FRUSTRATED!!!

At This Moment

I am standing in front of the church sanctuary and I am calm, but I can clearly feel the difference between Ritalin & Concerta. Had I been on Concerta, I wouldn't be as annoyed and frustrated at the moment. Everything is magnified times a million and I want to scream. There is a woman in front of me holding a very pretty baby that is chewing on her own hand...saliva EVERYWHERE...and I wouldn't mind it so much if the baby didn't keep trying to touch me. And, she has a little boy that she, CLEARLY, can not control. I want to snatch him up, but I'm at church so I'm trying to behave. Wouldn't be as difficult if my meds were correct! DAMN THOSE DOCTORS TO HELL I SAY!
Either way, I'm going to do my best and enjoy church. I'll have to tell you my epiphany a little later...I WISH THIS LADY WOULD GRAB HER FREAKING SON!!!

Today

Today is a good day. Granted, it's only a quarter to nine in the morning, but, so far so good. I've been up since 7:30am, and I'm doing ok. My mission today is to go to church. I'm attending the 10:30 service. My alarm buzzed this morning, I hit snooze, and just laid there for a few minutes. I spent three whole minutes trying to convince myself that I couldn't do it, and if you know me by now you know I have approx. one million thoughts per minute. But, heading towards the last minute I thought to myself...Self, lol, if you are awake enough to have all of these thoughts, then you are awake enough to get up, get dressed, and go to church...hmmmmm! Well, it wasn't that easy, however, I did wake up. So, I did something that would ensure my leaving the house...I took my meds! THAT'LL LEARN 'EM! LMBO!!!

I took a Ritalin LA, 20mg. I guess when I make it to church we'll see how well it works. I'm going to bring my short term Ritalin as a back up. Wish me luck!! I actually have a lot of "plans" for the day. I'll let you know how much gets accomplished.

Doing good so far! YAY ME!!! PINK DAY, PINK DAY!!!! :)
(SOMETIMES, WITH ALL OF MY SERIOUSNESS, I GOTTA BREAK OUT AND BE SILLY! TRY IT SOMETIME!)

Medicare & SSI

All of my pdoc and tdoc visits have ended in this conversation...Have you decided to apply for Medicare and SSI? You really need to consider it, and we'll even help you with the paper work. You need to understand and accept that you may not be able to go back to work for a while. Consider this a vacation.

Vacation???

This is NO VACATION! WHERE THE HELL IS THE FUN IN ANY OF THIS?

I feel like if I applied for any of this, I'll be accepting failure. Not that there is anything wrong with financial/medical assistance. However, I feel if I applied for Medicare & SSI, it would mean that the doctor's were correct, and I am not willing to accept the fact that I will not be working. I have no intention on being unemployed much longer...but how am I going to pull this off?
It seems as if the longer I stay home, the worse I get. I can't do this! I'll take the damn pills...but I wanna work while taking them. The purpose of me seeking treatment is so that I can go back to work...
STAY FOCUSED DOC! UNEMPLOYMENT IS SOOO NOT FOR ME!

Formal Invite to Our Webring

A few months ago Butterfly and I started a webring via Ringsurf. I dedicated it to anyone and everyone who is mentally ill or who knows someone who is mentally ill. This is a formal invitation for you all to join our webring called Piece of Mind....Our everyday challenges. A positive, creative look inside of individuals mental illnesses. It doesn't cost anything to join. All it does is link all of us together and allows us to network with each other. You all have been very supportive of me and my journey and I would like to do the same for you. Please join us!

In Pain

I went to bed with a headache last night and woke up with a migraine. I was afraid to take anything for it today because I wasn't sure if I could with the new meds I'm on. Alas...about 30 minutes ago, I could care less! I took 2 Excedrin's, and the pain is finally starting to ease up. But, now that I've taken them, I, more than likely, won't be sleeping tonight because I'm not taking the Trazodone. With the meds I once had, I knew what to do and what not to do. The pdoc just handed the new meds to me and said take two of these around 10pm. I've been in bed all day, and unable to lay down because it hurt too much. So, I've been propped up with four pillows. This is how I'll be until the pain goes away I guess. This sux!!!!

Can I Trust My Pdoc?

Quick update...

1. The meds that were given to me on Friday aren't working.
2. Ambien worked for 3 hours on Friday & Saturday, then I was wide awake again.
3. I haven't had more then 3.5 hours of sleep in the last 48hours.
4. I've taken 3-4 Ritalin's/day for the last 4 days.
   

This morning was my pdoc appointment. I made the decision to show my appreciation for the therapy and medication, but to clearly inform the docs how miserable this mess was making me, and it's only been 4 days. I told them, and this was the out come....

• I, still, will not be getting Concerta. Not now, or any other time for that matter.
• Apparently, I will not be getting any other mg of Ambien either.
• Lunesta, what worked for me, for some reason isn't an option.
• They are going to give me Ritalin-SR (sustained release).
  
• Today I was given Trazodone.
• On Friday, they want to put me on Lithium.

Am I getting worse? Lithium?
Are you taking Lithium? Should I be concerned? The word itself scares the piss out of me! Are they just giving me random meds because they work for "The Man"? Can I trust my pdoc?

Calmed Down

My sever rage has subsided, and now I'm making my best attempt to remain calm.
Here's what I've come up with...
I appreciate the fact that I'll be receiving free treatment at the moment. I'm even more appreciative that I'm getting free meds. No, I'm not getting all of the meds that I should be getting, however, I think that what was given to me should be able to help significantly if I can remember to take them. I'm have to take a pill every 3-4 hours, and every 8-10 days, remember to request a refill.My short term memory has been shot for a while, so I'll have to label everything and leave myself notes to remind me to read the notes about the labels for the meds. Yeah, I'm going to struggle to get back on the horse, but I'm willing to do it to make myself better. Again, I'll be doing this by myself, but, should I be surprised?
I have a therapy session on Tuesday, and I'll continue bringing up the fact that the way they are prescribing my meds makes no sense...I will fight for all of my meds, but I'll continue taking what I have.
Ambien SUCKS!!! Ol' girl is going to have to do something about that. I took another last night. I took it 4am because I couldn't fall asleep on my own. I fell asleep and was wide awake by 8am. Either give me Lunesta, or up the dosage...PERIOD!

More Pissed Today Than Yesterday

I would love to say it's just me, but I know it's not. But then again....you tell me...

I woke up early on Friday, with much excitement because I knew what was about to happen. My life was about to begin...again.. I walked over to the clinic for my 10AM appointment. I made it there with 5 minutes to spare, and unmedicated. I didn't feel it necessary to take my meds as I was only going to be there for a few minutes. I was only going there to pick up my new meds. I get there and inform the man at the front desk that I was there to see the doctor. Why they have someone who is worse condition than I am working the front desk I'll never know. Why did I have to repeat and spell who I was and who my business was with four times? Already, they are trying me! I sat down, and waited. Looked at the time on my cell and realized it was 10:30AM, and no one has yet to come and say BOO to me! I walked over to the front desk and asked, does the doctor even know that I'm here?n He wasn't sure...WHAT??? I CHECKED IN WITH YOU...HOW ARE YOU NOT SURE?!?! He pages into the back office and says he doesn't know where the doctor is, there is nothing he can do, all I can do is sit and wait. THIS IS NOT GOING WELL!! I waited for another 15 minutes when the doctor finally comes out and yells out my last name. It's about damn time. I get up and look around...where is she? She yelled my name and then disappeared into her office, as I, like an asshole, stand there not understanding what just happened, and where to go. The man at the front desk says go back to her office. Where is that? I've only been back there once, and I was being guided that time. After taking the long route to her office, I finally arrive at her office, clearly ANNOYED. She asked me to come in and have a seat. Ok. Then she hands me 2 bottles of meds. Let's recap...
I take....

*Concerta - 18mg
*Concerta - 27mg
*Ritalin - 5mg
*Celexa - 20mg
*Lunesta - 2mg

Now, even if I was stupid, I can clearly see that 3 bottles are missing. WHY IS THIS?!?

She says to me that the pharmacy didn't approve my Concerta because I was using Ritalin and it's the same thing. And they don't prescribe Lunesta. WHAT, WHAT?!?!

Ok, so if your not using these meds, then you probably don't understand where I'm going with this, so let me explain.
Concerta and Ritalin are not the same thing per say. Yes they have the same effects, however, Concerta lasts for 8-10hours and Ritalin lasts for 3-5hours.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
No?
Ok, how about this scenario...
When I'm working....I wake up at 6am. I do my morning duties that usually takes about 45 minutes. I take Concerta at around 7am.It starts to work within the first 30 minutes. It lasts anywhere from 8-10 hours...so we'll say 9 hours...9 hours later is 3pm. At 3pm, Concerta is done working so how will I make it through the rest of the day? Well, this is when I would take a Ritalin. It lasts anywhere from 3-5 hours...so we'll say 4 hours...4 hours later is 7pm. By this time, my day is over. When I get home, I take about an hour or two to settle down, eat, shower, blog, and prepare for bed. Then I take a Lunesta, which gives me, at the very least, a full 8-9 hours of sleep. If I went to beds around 9 or 10pm...I'd wake up around 6am and go through all of the motions again.

So, what is the problem you ask?

I was told that I wasn't getting both the Concerta and Ritalin. Instead, I can take more than one Ritalin a day. So, what she is saying is she wants me to pop a pill, minimum, of 4 times a day. 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm...and these are on normal days, forget if I want to hang out with my boyfriend, friends, or family after work. Who can remember to do this? And it takes at least 30 minutes to work, and over lapping is the same as not taking any...so in the middle of this, if someone pisses me off and I flip out, and throw something at them, I'll be at fault? In other words you're trying to make me a Ritalin junkie? That also means that I'll be back EVERY 10 DAYS for a refill. And, this makes sense how?
As for the Lunesta, she wants to give me Ambien instead. Ok, what's the difference? Not sure, and she's not either...And if you were planning on doing that, why is Ambien not amongst the bottles that you are handing me? What was I given, 4 pills...not a months worth...just 4 pills. Why? Because I have to see which FUCKING milligram works for me.

I'VE ALREADY TRIED OUT FOR THE GUINEA PIG PART! BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!! DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!!!

I took the fucking Ambien last night. Ask me what happened...go ahead, ask....I took it, it made me sleepy, I fell asleep, AND WOKE UP 3 HOURS LATER!!!! WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!?!?!?

She actually had the nerve to ask me to calm down when she was feeding me this bullshit. I had images of installing her new computer monitor into her fucking head!!

My thoughts...
Why didn't she call me to tell me that I wasn't going to be getting the same meds? At least let me know before I get there so I can come calm, semi-prepared, and semi-rational. Why was I promised that I was going to be getting the same meds? Don't make promises you can't keep? If I can tell you, and you can confirm with my other doctors that the cocktail of meds that I had worked....why can't you just give me that instead of making me a fucking guinea pig...AGAIN!? They must want me to flip out!!!! I'm requesting a new pdoc, this bitch doesn't know what she's doing!! Maybe she's good for people who have no clue as to what they should be taking...but she's not good for me!

Black Day

TODAY IS A VERY VERY BAD DAY!!!! NOT ABLE TO FOCUS ON THIS BECAUSE "THE MAN" IS DOING A WONDERFUL JOB STICKING IT TO ME WITH NO KY-JELLY!!!!! TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT LATER...GOTTA REMAIN CALM...NEED TO LAY DOWN!

I DID IT!!

As promised...I did it! I went and told all!
Because I didn't get any sleep yesterday, got up early, went to doc, ran a few errands...and didn't take meds, I was so scattered that I couldn't sit to write this post with my results from my doctor's visit. I'm a bit better today...today is a purple day for me. Let me just tell you what happened because I'm not sure how long I have with a still/clear mind...
Went to the doctor's office. I was 5 minutes early, yet I still had to wait until 9:15am for a 9am visit. I remained calm becasue I was there on a mission. When the doctor finally came in, we went into the office where I found I would be speaking to a pdoc and a tdoc. Again, I'm on a mission, remain focused! The doctor went over the form that the social worker and I completed, then, she had the nerve to say...So, why are you here?...Calmly...

Me - What? Can you not read the paperwork?
Doc - Yes, but why do you think you're here?
Me - Again, did anyone bother do read the form? What does the form say?
Doc - It says you're having some issues. Tell me about it.
Me - Ok, let me help you move this along. I was sent to you because you can give me medication. I want to go back on meds!!
Doc - Ok, let's confirm that what was written is in fact what your having issues with and if you feel like something needs to be added, let me know.
Me - Fair enough!

I know I sound a bit hostile via blog, but I assure you all, I was as nice as I could possibly be. I mean, I truly think that she should have brought herself up to speed prior to my 9am appointment. Hell, she could have used the 15 minutes that I was waiting to bring herself up to speed.
Eventually, I lightned up and took out my papers, where I had written ALL OF MY EVERYTHING down, and read it to both doctors. The had a very disturbed look on their face. The doctor's asked if I was ok, I said yes, I just need my meds. Looking back, I think I might have sounded like a junkie, lol! But, I DON'T CARE!

End result...
I'm proud of myself for telling all. Depressed that I'll have to discuss it in future therapy sessions, minimum of once a week. Excited that I'll be getting my meds..ALL OF THEM...FREE OF CHARGE...THIS FRIDAY MORNING. YAYYYYY ME!!!!
One of the last things they told me is that I exhibit some bipolar traits...hmmmm.....we can deal with that on a later date...JUST GIMME MY MEDS FOR NOW, AND WE CAN DISCUSS ALL OF MY OTHER ISSUES LATER!!!!

Bad Memory

When I was younger, I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I tried to overdose on Advil. It didn't work because my tolerance was already to high for Advil. I used to eat them like M&M's. Because of this, I was placed into foster care(yet again, one out of the four times). I didn't try, that method, again because my counselor told me that I had to live for my brother and sister. She told me that if I died, no one would take care of them. That the things that happened to me would eventually happen to them. I was guilted into living. I would have never allowed anything to happen to them. I was tired of living at the age of 10 or 11. But, she made it clear that there would be nothing I could do about it if I was dead. My mother made it clear that no one wanted/loved me. She told me she kept me for the child support. I was a worthless bitch. I have no idea why she hated me so much. As I look back on it, I think I represented my father too much. Or, maybe at that age she was jealous of me for being the adult she wasn't. If what my mother said was true, then what was my purpose for living? As per my middle school counselor, it was my brother and sister. Now that I think about it, that may not have been the best thing to tell a child. The only reason I should live is for my brother and sister to live? Why not live because I'm worth life? Why not live because I am God's child? Or how about pointing out that there may just be one person that loves me. I never got that...and as I recall such event, I'm getting depressed. Is this the process I must go through? Must I be made to feel like shit and worthless before I do a 180? As my tears pour down, can someone show me where there may be a silver lining? I hope this doctor has some pieces for my puzzle, otherwise I'm nose diving into the Pacific Ocean...and I can't swim.

Still Up

Alot on my mind. I'm not nervous about my appointment in the morning. But, I really want to get everything out. I don't want to miss anything, but I know I will. So, I decided to list it all. From childhood all the way to present. So much has happened. As I start to recall everything, I believe that this is the first time that my life has been semi-quite. There has always been hate, abuse, and negativity in my personal space. One thing I can say...I've always wanted a child. Just one child! A girl. Due to a number of medical conditions, I am unable to have one. For once, I am relieved. I would hate to have brought a child into this world with unresolved issues of my own. I highly believe that alot of this was passed on from my mother from unresolved issues of her own. As I write, I'm seeing an aweful pattern, and that's not even a quarter of it all. I wonder when God will say, "she's had enough heartache". I wonder when someone will be put into my life that will want to make me smile. Not just when, I wonder IF anyone will be placed in my life for that purpose. Someone that will be able to show and give me happiness pass all of my life's chaos. I love him, but I can't see where he makes me complete...or even completely compliments me. Material things are nice, but I'm looking for a piece of mind. Will I ever be able to let all of this go? Has my life been permanently stained to the point where no amount of bleach can help? I keep telling everyone that it gets better, but does it really?

Tomorrow Is D-Day

I go to the doctor tomorrow. And, to tell you the truth, I'll be upset if they don't give me meds, but I have other plans in store for them. It's time for me to let go of alot of anger inside of me. I always just wanted to deal with the here and now, but I'm starting to see that my past really does effect my present. My plan is to walk in, sit down, and tell the therapist to shut up, lol, nicely of course. It's time for at least one person to know what they're REALLY dealing with. No sugarcoating for the doc. All of that schooling that they went through, hopefully, has prepared them for what I'm about to tell them. If not...well, if not, I don't know what to tell you. They may just have to get a new occupation, lmbo!
I also decided that since I'm going to be out of the house tomorrow, that I would do ALL of my running around also. I bunched everything into one day, so I wouldn't have to leave the house the rest of the week. Now that I say that, I'm not sure that my plan was a good idea, but I'll play it by ear.
Supply you with results after my appointment.

What Are You Doing With Your Life?

This is a question that was posed to me by someone I LOVE VERY DEEPLY! My response...What? What kind of question is that?
I was so taken back and insulted. But why did I feel this way?
Well, honestly, I guess I expect everyone that I love, which is less than a hand full of people, to try to understand what I'm going through. I pray that I wouldn't be pressured into doing things that I genuinely am unable to do at the moment.
Don't tell me I need a job, and I need to work, but not do anything to assist me in the struggle, and then when I'm offered a position, question me as if I'm doing something wrong when I say I'm honestly considering accepting the position. If you want to judge me then this may not really be a good time for you to be near me.
I have watched people do things that I wouldn't necessarily think brilliant...but a real friend doesn't judge...a real friend may, however, give their honest opinion...then allow the other person to make their own decision...and still support the person, even if they know in their heart that the outcome may not be favorable.
Honestly...I feel like I'm doing the best I can, considering. I am finding my way, the best way I know how. In hindsight, I'm even happy with my bad days, because it lead me to some great days, and even a few greater days.
God will never give you more than you can handle...LOL!!! Yes, on bad days, this statement is very questionable, but if you only knew how far I've come, the burning bridges I've crossed, and the abuse I've overcome. To still be standing here, with my head up, most times, and still wanting to find my way and praying for strength to have something better....I SAY, I MAY BE CLOSE TO REMARKABLE, AS ARE ALL OF YOU!!!
Just remember, the people who helped you through it all need help also! What works for you may not work for them, but your love will help them remain positive. It may be the only love they feel is true. And, it may be the only love they have!

For All of You

This is just a thank you to everyone who has showed much concern for me over the last few months. Your comments are very much appreciated!! Today, for me, was a decent day. I'm not sure why though. Maybe it's the little contact I've had with ANYONE today, or just relaxing and resting all day. But, for once, I'm not going to dwell on it, just going to continue enjoying my day!

AGAIN...THANKYOU!!! Minerva , occasionalconfusion , onemeanmutha , ~*rylah*~ , janna , nadcesca ...you all are the GREATEST BLOGGER FRIENDS A PERSON COULD ASK FOR!!

And as a side note...blessings to you Minerva! You have overcome so much...you are a TRUE INSPIRATION!

NAMI WALK

The first annual walk in NYC for NAMI. I was excited to go, but tired as hell as I go NO sleep last night. Yup, my insomnia is back. So bad that I couldn't even cry myself to sleep. My family went with me, and even raised $100~ for the event. I still think they are a little ignorant to what's going on with me, although, it's not entirely their fault, but they were willing to come out and support me. That made me feel good! It helped that they were there because none of the people that were supposed to be there showed up. Not even my best friend...Yeah, I'm a little disappointed, but I'm not going to take it personally.
With no rest, I knew I'd be EXTRA IMPATIENT...so, I passed over the Ritalin and went straight to the Concerta! Did it help....well...we got there about an hour prior to registration because I wanted to give my girls (from my volunteer work) enough time to get there. Registration began at 9am so we arrived at 8am. The first time WE as a family arrived on time/early to ANYTHING! We wait for about 15 minutes and the one girl who was supposed to come, that didn't call out, never showed! That's ok, they'll learn a lesson soon enough. We wait patiently until 9am. They were running behind time...that's ok because I took my meds ;-). We walk in and I go to the table that is CLEARLY MARKED.."Area for people who have not pre-registered". That's us! I go over to the table and explain to the woman that I am a team captain, and I have the correct forms filled out for the people on my team who have not pre-registered. I ask, "should I give these forms to you?" Woman replies, "I don't know. Why don't you take them over to the team captain table, they should know what to do with them." I, of course, have my confused look on my face. But, since I am "with meds", she may just be safe for the moment.
I, then, walk over to the team captain table. I inform the woman of my name and team name and tell her that I registered online, however, I do have more money that was collected to turn in accompanied with the correct forms completely filled out. She then hands me an envelope, that has the EXACT SAME form on the front of it that I already have completed. She tells me to write the information on the envelope...WHAT!?!? WHY?!? I WILL DO NO SUCH THING!..is what I was thinking, lol. (I bet you thought I had already lost it. Fooled you! Concerta is a WONDERFUL THING!) I went on to explain to her that there was no difference between the two, and that I would not be re-writing anything. I explained SEVERAL TIMES. Someone finally came over to assist her, took the money, and was about to send me along my merry way when I, again, say that I have team members who are here that have not pre-registered, but I have the correct forms filled out for them. She says she doesn't know what to with them, for me to go back over to the first table I went to.
Let me just make an EXTREMELY LONG STORY SHORT...for about 20 minutes I was passed around from person to person, getting more frustrated by the second...and ON THE EDGE OF FLIPPING OUT!! I was finally taken to the person in charge of the entire walk, and was asked to repeat what my problem was. WHY DO I KEEP HAVING TO REPEAT MYSELF?!?!
She was nice enough, and took the damn forms without me having to throw a huge tantrum. Smart on her part. Then, I was apologized to profusely. Their excuse, this is the first walk, and they were doing the best they could...UMMMM...NOT MY PROBLEM!!!
In my opinion, you knew that you were dealing with mentally ill people, you needed to have prepared for this. Disorganization, and shoving me from person to person is more than enough reason for me to go off!! They were somewhat prepared though...they had police on stand by, lol!!
We could have done without the entertainment portion, and the people that they chose to speak were ill prepared. For some reason the route that they chose wasn't blocked off for us to walk. We had to stop for green lights and police officers had to direct traffic. After a lonnnnggg 5k walk, I decided there was only one way for me to feel good about all of this...I had to become a part of the event.

End result...
My family and I completed the 5k walk! After we were done, I networked! I NEVER NETWORK...BUT, I DID IT! And, I am pleased to announce...
I WILL BE ASSISTING WITH EVENT PLANNING FOR THE 2008 NAMI WALK!!!

Being on meds helps me be the BEST me...I am looking forward to my doctor's appointment on Wednesday!!!

Another Late Night

Again, I'm up late. Can't fall asleep, but I am very aware of the time. I don't want to get rid of my illnesses, it's what makes me..ME! What I want is to find a way to manage, to stabilize my brain so that I can focus on any one thing...anything at all. I used to love to get my hair done, EVERY SATURDAY MORNING...it's been 3 weeks since I last got it done...I can't even make myself go to the salon. I need help, I need medication, I need support...I'm crying out for help and no one jears me. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I'd prefer no one feel sorry for me either. What I'd like is for someone to understand what I'm telling them, to understand my struggle. I'd like for anyone to willingly research my illness, like I did for others, and try to help me manage...give me suggestions other than"you just have to get up and do it" or "stop being lazy". If you knew me personally, you'd know that this isn't me. I don't want to continue this way. Oddly enough, even the mention of suicide doesn't make anyone move...so I'm not going to bother the threat. I know I could do it, but I won't, not yet, not now, because....well, I have no reason...but, I won't front like it hasn't been one of the many millions of thought's that's crossed my mind. I'm a fighter, but fighting has become very exhausting. I need a break from my mind...I'd like to remove it for a day, just so I can rest. Clearly, I can't do this without medication, but can I do it with? I watch movies about people with mental illness's, and read blogs about people like me trying to cope, and realize this is just another acting lesson. It's never enough...I'll always be looked at differently...special...by my family and friends. If I never learned how to put on a show, I'm sure they would have had me committed a long time ago. If they knew half of the things I thought of every minute of the day...I'd be put in restraints, and heavily sedated. I am due to see a therapist on Wednesday, and for the first time ever..I'm considering TELLING ALL... Do you think this will help me? Maybe I've been self destructing because I'm covering up the truth. I claim to be so open, but I'm still selective with info to certain people. Will they stick me in a padded room if I tell the truth? I guess we'll find out next week. Until then, tomorrow is the NAMI walk. My family is actually going with me...wish me luck...another act I must put on...I'll make sure to take a full days worth of meds before leaving the house so I can deal with them, and the large amount of people that is sure to be participating.

These Are My Confessions

If I’ve applied for 200 jobs, 150 have replied, I’ve set up 75 interviews, showed up for 0, offered approx. 30, turned down 30.

I have no idea what I’m doing at this very moment.

My recent passions are writing and volunteer work.

I will turn down all job offers unless it’s for a cause (nonprofit).

The only chance on me taking any other job offer is if I see I’m getting worse.

I AM GETTING WORSE!

I think about my baby Harmony and I cry.

I think about ANYTHING AT ALL, and I cry!

I love clothes and shoes, but would rather be barefoot and naked.

I have friends, but always fell alone.

I am jealous of people who have the ability to get pregnant.

Life’s frustration, and the inability to understand simple things keep me depressed.

My brain activity exceeds “normal” humans, which is a gift and a curse!

Dark hair on my head is depressing.

I’m terrified of all bugs/insects, including butterflies.

I don’t rest unless I am sleeping with someone.

I sleep with a nightlight. I only use them when I’m alone.

The minimum amount of times I shower a day is twice…I make it an effort to take at least 3.

I don’t understand how people can still use bar soap in this day and age. You should only use liquid soap.

Bar soap makes my skin dry and itchy.

I have 4 ½ towers of shoe boxes in my bedroom, I haven’t worn half of them.

I don’t sleep underneath my covers. I sleep on top of them with 2 blankets.

I sleep this way all year round, including summer.

I’d rather text than speak on the phone.

I act tough, but am afraid of everything, but will wild out on anyone!

Fear has held me back from alot of GREAT opportunities.

I need HELP, and for the first time ever..I've asked for help, but no one is helping me.

THANK YOU RITALIN!

I'm finished blow drying my hair, and I'm spent. Straightening will have to wait until later. But, I did good! I did stop a few times while trying to dry the back off my hair, but I completed it. YAY ME!!! I will stick to my motto...why do things yourself that you can pay other people to do, i.e. hair, hair removal, laundry, cleaning, etc. I'm just sayin', I can do all of these things myself, but it's all so time consuming. And, minus meds, these things SHALL NOT BE DONE BY ME!!! I only did it myself this time because I really wasn't in the mood to sit in anyone's salon...& wait underneath a dryer. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl! The next time I go to the salon, hopefully this weekend, I'll be cutting my hair off. I'll take before and after pics if I can remember. OK, off to bed, the meds only last for about 6 hours, I think I'm going on 7...and my body is starting to get an attitude. Nighty night!!

Awake

Yes, I'm wide awake, and wired. It's amazing what one pill can do.
So far I've....
-Cleaned & Sterilized my bedroom
-Reorganized & Threw away misc. paperwork
-Showered (yet again for the 3rd time today...& I haven't left the house since I got back in @ 9am this morning)
-Washed my own hair :-o

I'm about to get off of Blogger...AND BLOW DRY MY OWN HAIR...YES, THIS SHOULD GO DOWN FOR THE RECORD!

I'll let you know when I'm done. If I'm still wired when I'm done with my hair, I'll put up a few more posts!

Later!!!

A Bunch On The Brain

I been having a lot of trouble getting all of thoughts down in my blogs...STUCK AGAIN! I'm tired of it all racing in my brain, keeping me up at night, and disrupting my days. So, I did what I thought was right...I just popped a Ritalin. I may not get any sleep this evening, but I will certainly get to get my focus on! More posts following this one...

Downwards Spiral

It hasn't gotten any better. If it isn't imperative for me to leave my oouse, or bedroom, I won't. This wasn't always me. Then again, maybe it was. I recall over the years, if I didn't have an event with my friends, family, or didn't have to go to work, I'd be locked in my bedroom....sleeping. Fro the last 12 years or so, I've slept my weekends away. Depression has alwayas taken the front seat when there was nothing for me to do. Now, there is a slight difference, I can't fall asleep unless I'm next to someone, or unless I take a pill. So, my days and nights are spent awake, in my dark bedroom, under my 2 blankets, with my eyes wide open. Sucks!!! It SUCKS BIG TIME!! Some may think that I'm allowing my illness to take over...outside looking in, that may be what you see. Inside looking out...SHUT THE HELL UP!!! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU SPEAK!!! Or, it's easy to say that when your not in my flip flops. One of my worst habits over the last who knows how many years is sitting in a room with nothing turned on, most times with the lights off...just sitting still. All of my ex's would think I weird for doing this...and you may think so also. I don't care, I have a reason for everything that is very valid FOR ME! My reasoning for this semi-odd behavior...It seems to my that the only thing I can really control is my body. My brain activity is like the speed of light...there is no ending, no switch to turn it off. Even at my most still, silent moments, my brain is still working in overdrive. When I'm ready to sleep....my brain isn't. This in itself triggers severe frustration, which in turn triggers a severe case of depression. My solution...I'm working over time, trying to get my hands on some meds so I can go back to work and take control of a part of my life once again. It's all about management. I'm working on it. I see where I may have may a wrong turn, that appeared to be the right turn.

So that's why I love you so much.........

***An email from a family friend. Thanks for your support & love!***

Well that explains why I've always loved you so much.
Amber you're one of Gods blessings and if you didn't tell me, I would
have never suspected anything other than an extremely high level of
energy.
You are on the right path and you are certainly aware of what you need
in order to do what works best for you. So stay the course woman and
don't let anything keep you from reaching your goals in life. I am
always here for you and happy to be in your presence when ever the
opportunity presents itself.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life's Journey with me.

Showers of Blessings

A Poem Via IM...

My best friend sent this to me...I have ALOT to confess...I guess I'm not as forthright as I claim...I'll start with this...

ONLY A PERSON WHO RISKS IS FREE
by Author Unknown

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

~ taken from the book Addiction by Prescription" ~
by Joan E. Gadsby

Yeah...she's trying to tell me something. I get it!

Z-List: Free link back and traffic! Just add your link!

Z-List: Free link back and traffic. Just add your link to the bottom and post. Here’s how to participate:

1. Create a new post on your blog.
2. Copy and Paste the entire list of blog links below
3. Add any blogs that you want to include near the top of the list. (This isn’t compulsory, so you can either add as many blogs as you want or none at all.)
4. Include the blog where you first got the list from, on the list in your post.
5. Do not include your own blog links on the list in your post.
6. Make sure that all links point to each blog’s homepage.
7. Publish the Post.

Z-list Blogs:
http://amberanique.blogspot.com

http://toppayinglist.blogspot.com

http://travel-in-kelantan.blogspot.com

http://secret-net-profits.blogspot.com

http://porkrindspicturepages.blogspot.com/

http://porkrindsgrindpokerandotherstuff.blogspot.com

http://www.webcash4u.blogspot.com

http://hitthenet.org/

http://hitthenet.org/depressionblog

http://fma-anime.org

http://araiarye.blogspot.com/

Defective Merchandise

I had a conversation with one of my male best friends, and I became very emotional as we began to speak on the chances of me having a "real" relationship. He says that I intimidate most men, but when they find that I'm so open about my setbacks, men tend to back away. I often wonder why that is. I also wonder why anyone would be with someone who is defective merchandise. But, this is my take on it...Late last year, I decided that whoever I meet will get the "real" me upfront. No representatives...nothing fake...this is me, take it or leave it. I don't think that I come of too strong, although I could be wrong, but I feel it's necessary that one knows what they are dealing with up front, so they can make a decision whether or not they want to deal with my extra baggage. The fact will always be that if you decide to date me, the following is what I come with...
ADD/ADHD, Depression, Anxiety & Panic Disorder, OCD, PCOS, Carpel/Torsal Tunnel Syndrome, Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Collapsed Tubes, & Anemia...I think I covered it all, lol! No, I do not disclose all of this on the first date. In fact, many people may never know, unless of course they read this post. I try to gauge the person and their quality up front, and decide if this is something they are mature enough to handle. I only tell them what they need to know at first, which to me is my mental state, what I'm on meds for. I allow them to make the decision. The fact is, ultimately, I am the one who walks with all of this 24/7, however, when I flip out because you are late for an event that we are to attend, and I feel it's only fair you know the reason why my rage is what it is. I don't expect most people to want to be with me, but the last thing I want to do is get caught up in a relationship and then six months to a year later say...Oh, by the way...It's not fair to them, and it isn't fair to me. If I love that person already, I am at a severe risk of losing them and getting my heart broken. I'm not going to lie...with-holding information is a form of a lie...I need my spouse to be able to trust me, and I want to trust them. Don't waste my time & I won't waste yours.
So, yes, I have some...quirks...but I'm working them out. And, even with all of my defectiveness...I'm still a great woman...probably the most sane-insane person you will ever know.

My Colorgenics Profile

I got this one from ONEMEANMUTHA'S site, very interesting...

At this particular time you are perhaps setting yourself too high a target and so you are living in the land of 'make believe'. It would also seem that you have been bitterly disappointed in the past and you are at a stage where you feel that you can trust nobody. You would like to forget it all and turn your back on the past and start anew.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

You know what you want and you are very dogmatic and demanding - especially in your emotional demands. You have specific ideas and beliefs and if these beliefs are not realised you can become extremely frustrated. You may not be that perfect but you are looking for perfection with the perfect partner.

You are feeling helpless. The fact that you are unable to control events that are going on around you is subjecting you to considerable stress. This can, if not relieved, cause muscle spasms or hypertension. It would seem that you are, for whatever the reason, being subjected to intolerable pressures. The complete environment would appear to be hostile. It would also seem that you are being driven against your will. You feel - and perhaps quite rightly so - that unreasonable demands are made of you but more to the point you feel as if you are powerless to control the situation or protect yourself in any way. At this time you feel utterly helpless.

The tensions and stresses that you are experiencing at this time are, you feel, beyond your capabilities or your reserves of strength to cope with. You feel inadequate and in a constant state of anxiety.You are attempting to escape from this situation into a secure environment in which you may be permitted to relax and recover, free from outside interference.

***Scary but true! Get yours here .***