The Big 5 - 4

Yup, 54 posts in draft. Why? Because I couldn't focus long enough to complete it. So sad! Or, maybe it was when I was blogging via Blackberry, and saved the posts to draft and never got a chance to post them....well, maybe not so much "not having a chance", but more so, forgetting all about them, so they never got posted. SO EMBARASSING!!!!
Here's a positive twist to it....I still have a lot more to tell you!! :)

Bloop!

Nothing amazing going on over here.
I am working! It's pretty cool because it's a DUMMY PROOF job! And, I get to wear my favorite outfit! T-shirt, jeans, and flip flops!!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!!
Anyway.....

I went to therapy this morning. I guess since I'm feeling better, my tdoc felt the need to delve into my past and my relationship with my mother, or lack there of.
I told her everything just as calmly as could be, minus any emotion. She was very surprised how I had no visable feeling, and I couldn't understand why she was surprised. I am so over that!!!! I will not allow my life to become a sorrow story as a result of her mistreatment or her abuse!
The tdoc explained how I may start to feel sad/depressed after our sessions because we are bringing up past memories that may be painful....UHHHHH....I DON'T THINK SO!!!
NOT I SAID THE CAT!!!!
NOT THIS TIME!
I've alotted a VERY small area in my mind for my past. It's an itty bitty purple box that has a lock and key. I care not to open it! I won't even share what I would do if I opened it because I don't know...never thought about it.
I'm just gonna stay in my happy place!

Question???

How many blog posts do you have in draft?
I have 54...I start, then something takes me away from it...WEIRD!
I'm gonna go back and try to figure out what I was trying to say, and post them. CLEARLY, they were important enough for me to begin the post...
What do you think?

Yeah, I know, it's been a minute since I've posted. I have no "real" reason as to why I haven't posted. I guess I've been busy enjoying my mind. I'm still blogging in my head....a little annoying, but it just means that I have something to tell you all.
I'm doing pretty good! Not 100%, but I'm thankful to feel semi-Amber "normal" after everything I've been through this year! Of course, you know, I went back on meds...and I'm happy to report that since I've received my Concerta, I haven't missed one day...haven't even considered not taking my daily dosage! YAY ME!!! THAT'S HUGE!
Still, in the back of my head, it sucks to know that I'll be taking meds for the rest of my life...but, I don't mind so much if it enables me to feel better. I'm still waiting to go up to my desired dosage of Concerta, 45 mg, but if I had a choice between what I have now, 36 mg, and nothing...I assure you, I'd stick with what I have. It's just that good!!!

Concerta Update

Feeling pretty good. Getting used to having clarity. Making some decisions that I wasn't able to make before.
One side effect of Concerta is weight loss. I haven't seen it yet, of course I haven't, it's only been a few days. However, the loss of appetite is already VERY CLEAR! I'm gonna pay close attention to that. Last time I was on Concerta I lost 30lbs in less than 3 mths. Can't let that happen again...maybe 10lbs...not 30!
Other than that...all is good!

My frustration now is...WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?!?!
Now that I'm to think more clear, I feel like this is the time for me to think about it, & go for it!!!!
Last night I was awake just thinking and starring at the ceiling...
My question to myself is...WHAT IS MY PASSION?
HMMMMM.....I DUNNO!!!
I thought REALLY HARD ABOUT IT!!! REALLY HARD!!!

I haven't made a final decision, but, I think I'm a more audio person than a visual person.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?!?
HELP ME WILL YA!!!

I Forgot...

I didn't mention what books I picked up the other day. SORRY ABOUT THAT!!!
The 2 books that I picked up from the library was...

* How Starbucks Saved My Life, by Michael Gates Gill

* The Right to Write, by Julia Cameron


I picked up the first one because it caught my eye. I mean...if Starbucks saved ANYONE'S LIFE I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
Turned out to be a GREAT BOOK! I didn't even know that it was a biography until I got to the register....people say, don't judge a book by it's cover, but I say...if the cover calls your name, TAKE IT!!!

The second was recommended by Rylah (thanks ;-) ), I start reading it tomorrow. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I looked over it already, and it seems like a good read!

I've been dying to get the book Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, ever since I saw her interview on Oprah 2 weeks ago. I don't know why...but, I had to have that book!!! I couldn't find the book at ANY library, so, I had to do the right thing...I WENT TO BARNES & NOBLE AND PURCHASED THE BOOK!!! Hey, I couldn't help it, just like the Starbucks book, it said my name.


I finished the Starbucks book, and should be finishing the other two, if not one, this week, and I'll keep you updated.

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

I feel like a part of my life has been given back! I haven't felt this good about myself, or anything else for that matter, since last yeah. Amazing what the RIGHT meds can do for a person's life and well being!
Today....BETTER....HAPPY!!!!! :)

CONCERTA HEAVEN!!!

AFTER FIGHTING AND A LOT OF SPAZZING....I FINALLY GOT IT!
I AM IN CONCERTA HEAVEN...SORTA!

So, here's the deal....they gave me 36 mg of Concerta. I should be on 45 mg, but my pdoc said if I take the 36 right now for 15 days, she'll increase my dose!!! YAY!!!!
In less than a month, I'm gonna be "Amber Normal", how exciting is that?!?!
She finally decided to listen to me after my tantrums and me not wanting to talk to her!

Today was my first day back on my Concerta, or any meds for that matter. And, while things are still a little jumbled & racey, everything seems a lot more clear...my thoughts that is. I forgot that I have to take Celexa with Concerta for the balancing effect. I'll remember tomorrow. Concerta, alone, has me jittery and having consistent anxiety attacks all day long. But, it didn't bother me....I'm just happy to know that I'm going to be better VERY VERY SOON!!!!

As always, I'll keep you updated!!! But I assure you, my posts will be a lot more mid tempered, and consistent from now on.
Good night!!! :)

What I Did Today.

Woke up (9am)

Went to p/tdoc

Went to the library

Had lunch (solo)

Went to another library

Picked up sister

Went to pick up meds at hospital

Spazzed when they wouldn't let me in

Took sister home

Fought traffic to go back to the hospital to get new meds

Picked up step-mother from work

Went home (7:30pm)

WHEWWWWWW!!!! What a day!!!

So Much Done

Today was an early day for me! I had to get up and go to the p/tdoc today! JUST WONDERFUL!!!

Since I was already out, I decided to do ALL of the things that I needed to take care of.

Over the last week or so, I've been waking up, without an alarm, between 6am & 7am, no matter what time I go to sleep.

I finally figured out what it was. You know when people say "you must have had something on your mind"? Well, normally I would say I don't know, but this was a time that was exactly what was going on.

I've had so many things, people, worries on my mind that it would wake me up.

It was getting annoying. I would keep me up until I finally decided to put a folding table on the side of my bed, because the thoughts in my mind wouldn't go away until I wrote it down.

GEEZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

But, know I have a slew of ideas, that don't relate to each other in any one way...but at least they're not haunting me anymore.

MORE HUGS

WHOEVER GAVE ME ALL OF THE HUGS TODAY...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

TODAY....I NEEDED THEM!!!!

OK

So, I'm in the process of  looking for jobs elsewhere. 

What am I looking for? Well, I found my pattern...out of all the "careers" that I want to do, from second to second, always leads me back to writing. So, I'm looking to write. 

What? I don't know, but I want to write. And I want to be able to do this from my personal laptop, anywhere, but REALLY IN A STARBUCKS! 

I want to be a writer....any advice/suggestions?

Getting support from family - NO

Getting support from FRIENDS - NO

Anyone understanding or attempting to help - NO

Do I give a shit? - NOOOO!!!!

I'm tired of explaining, tired of justifying, tired of being judged, tired of crying, tired of racing thoughts ALL DAY EVERY DAY, even more tired of people thinking that they are better than me because they've overcome obstacles in their illness, tired of trusting people who don't deserve my trust, tired of people thinking that I am not trying!!!!

PLAIN 'OLE TIRED!!!! I'm being told that I should do this on my own, when in fact I am. I live with my parents, but I help pay the bills...now that money has been tapped out, I am looking for another job, but my focus doesn't allow me to do it for an extended period of time. I don't have anyone to take care of me, pay my bills, or offer any support...only judgement.....which disgusts me!!!

I don't judge anyone...to each his own...I love my "friends", and even when we were sick at the same time, I WAS THERE!!!! I NEVER PASSED JUDGEMENT, I WAS JUST THERE FOR SUPPORT...WHATEVER WAS NEEDED, OR NOT NEEDED!

I don't need anyone telling me who I should & shouldn't have in my life everyday! I don't do that to them, even if I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE WRONG, OR UNHEALTHY!

Me being alone equates to ALOT OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND EVEN SOME ATTEMPTS!

IS THERE ANYONE THAT'S WILLING TO BE THERE FOR ME? DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE? I'm trying not to run away from my "issues", and not pretend as if my illness doesn't exist.

I don't want a cure, I don't want to act or pretend....I'm stuck because I want to manage it!

It may take me longer than it took others, but, that doesn't make them any better than me...& it doesn't give anyone the right to judge me!!!

My illness doesn't allow me to focus on one thing, I focus on EVERYTHING....SO, NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT I WANT TO DO! IF I KNEW, I'D BE DOING IT!!!

A Book For Everyone To Read

This is something that has been stirring in my mind to post! I thought it was necessary for people to read! I realize that some people just don't know what to do with me, and low and behold, someone came up with a manual, lol!!! I'm going to get copies for people that are close to me.

Take a look at James' blog, Finding Optimism - Health in Response to Mental Illness.

There is a book called Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend by Lisa J. Copen.

James lists his favorites so far, when my book comes in, I'll do the same.

If you want to order the book, click here.

New Career

Today, I want to be a make-up artist!

Oh, and the moment I get a chance, I need to purchase a new digital camera! I've decided to take pics of everything asap! And then, I can show you a lot more about me & what I see!

I took my meds, but they haven't kicked in yet, as you can see.

I figured you wouldn't mind me posting bits of nothings that's racing through my head & causing me insomnia. If you do mind, let me know, and I'll try to blog during regular business hours...SIKE!!!!

IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN POST IF I WANT TO, POST IF I WANT TO! :-)

Opinions

I never said that I was a nice person, however, I do think the post before last was a little harsh...& the one that I said I HATE ALL PEOPLE, yeah, that wasn't very nice either. 

Not gonna apologize, I meant what I said, but maybe I could have said it differently?

I'm just tired of having to justify ME! 

I wanna move out of NYC...I get.."You know your gonna have to go on a budget", or "Do you have a plan, because you need a plan".

I'M NOT FUCKING STUPID! I KNOW WHAT I NEED! IF I WAS CLUELESS, I WOULD'VE UP AND LEFT BY NOW! 

Then I get the people who claim that people get worse when they are diagnosed...or I am phsycosomatic! WORD?!?! 

YOU GET DIAGNOSED WITH A FUCKIN' MENTAL ILLNESS...THEN COME AND TALK TO ME!

I DON'T NEED TO HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO ANYONE....DO THE DAMN RESEARCH GET TO KNOW ME, THEN TALK. 

I have my flaws just like everyone else in the world...I just handle them differently! 

However, my positives out way my negatives, BY FAR!!

How about this one..."Just pray on it"...well, I've been praying on what I didn't know ALL OF MY LIFE! As of my diagnoses, I've been praying for the strength to MANAGE my weakness!

It's not gonna disappear, and I understand that. And, for some reason, God saw fit to give me this "gift". I'm not "dying", although it's been a thought, I'm just seeking the best way to manage my chaotic brain & emotions!

Bottom line - IF YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU SPEAK OF, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I AM NOT YOU! I AM ME! I LOVE ME! IF YOU DON'T LIKE/LOVE ME...THEN EXIT THROUGH THE SAME DOOR YOU CAME IN!

* As I see it, God may be giving me time to prepare for something BIG! I don't question why anymore...I ask how & what! I wish it didn't come in this package, but, who am I to question God's purpose for me, and further more, who are you!?!

**Go on about your life, but be prepared for God's interruption. -Pastor A.R. Bernard

Time

It's now a little after 11:30pm..

Tell me why I feel like working out (specifically running) & making lasagna right now!?

I don't even like working out, and I HATE RUNNING!

Lately, I've had cooking urges. I wonder why that is!

?!?!?

Why do I feel the need to make everyone feel comfortable with me being "me"?

I don't share with everyone anymore...I'm very selective! But, I want the people who "love" me to know exactly what I'm up against. I try to explain, and give them sites to research..but everyone just will not "get it". My bff said that I was like that, I denied it. But, after sitting here for the last 30 minutes, I realized she was right! She's right alot...I hate that! LOL!!! She also mentioned that I've gotten soft...WHAT?!?!? WHO?!?!? ME?!?! Yeah, I have, again, she's right! 

I used to have an "I don't give a shit, stay or leave" attitude, but now, EVERYONE IS GETTING CHANCE AFTER CHANCE! Even though they, technically, don't deserve it.

So...here goes...STAY OR LEAVE...AT THIS POINT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!! IF YOU REALLY "LOVE" ME, THEN YOU'LL STAY! IF NOT...YOUR SEASON HAS COME AND GONE...ENJOY YOUR BLESSINGS, AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! That goes for ANYONE WHO IS ON THE SHIT LIST!!! MY PATIENCE has left the building, on and off meds!!!! 

Come to think about it, I have no reason to be "overly nice" to anyone! No one has done anything different to receive special treatment! As my bff would say...."Don't be sorry, be different"!

TODAY

I woke up early, 7am....felt like shit! But, I was happy that I was able to wake up that early, w/o an alarm clock. I had a VERY BAD ATTITUDE!!! So, I decided to do the right thing....go back to bed! Maybe, just maybe...my funky ass attitude had to do with me waking up early, as I am not a morning person! I thought it was a good idea! Result...I woke up at 12pm...ATTITUDE WORSE THAN EARLIER! 

TODAY, I HATE PEOPLE! ALL OF THEM!!!!!

THE END!!!