Blog Rollin'

Well I have to roll a bunch of other blogs onto my blog!!!! As I do so...ENJOY A LITTLE LIMP BIZKIT!!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!!
OH...& IF YOU ROLL ME, I'LL ROLL YOU!!!!
KEEP ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'!!!!

Hospital

Tomorrow I go in to see my p/tdoc's. If I let them check me in, what happens next? What type of effect does it have on my family & friends...OR ME?!?! What do I tell them...or not tell them?
If my blood work doesn't change, what will that mean for me? I did some research, I don't even want to get into what the possibilities could be, but, it isn't good...although it would explain alot.
Could this be a happy ending or will I just end up more scared and alone?

Ask Me If I Care

Go ahead...ask me!
My mother isn't speaking to me right now....if I said I cared, I'd be lying my ass off...so, let me just be honest...I can give 2 healthy shits!
I spoke with her yesterday, and she was driving around looking for something to eat for dinner...her in Las Vegas, me in NYC.
I told her that I've been learning to cook over the last few months and she should try it. I told her that it's not as horrible as she made it out to be.
She replied, "Oh please Amber, I used to cook for you kids all the time"....SHE MUST BE SMOKING SOMETHING!!!
Preparing a large pot of spaghetti once a week and having 3 kids eat the same thing all week is NOT cooking....just in case you didn't know!
She claimed that I seem to forget when we stayed with her, now, ex-husband how she used to cook steaks for us and other stuff.
I went on to correct her...she cooked for him....she didn't cook for us! If she doesn't believe me she can ask her other 2 kids, to whom which want nothing to do with her!
She proceeded to catch an attitude, and then hung up the phone on me.....
Ask me if I care...I DARE YOU!!!!

Drained

I am emotionally drained!
I'm laying in bed, of course with insomnia, wishing that I had just one person I could talk to. Just one person that would listen without judgement, and not feel the need to be on suicide watch.
Blogging just isn't getting the job done anymore, hence the lack of posts.
I would love to know the feeling of just one person loving me, unconditionally.
How does it feel to know what your talent/gift is?
Even better, how does it feel to use it?
How am I 27, going on 28, and still have no destination? Everyday, I'm thinking I want to do something new.
Why was my mother able to have 3 children, with her suck ass lack of maternal instinct...but, I can't have one?
Why am I the only person in my family with health issues?
Let me correct that...one of my sisters has eczema..the rest of my family-COMPLETELY HEALTHY!
Why am I still living at home???? Because, I'm terrified to live alone, knowing that frustration may lead to my suicide.
But, staying here seems to be the same kind of torture.
Why am I treated like an outcast on both sides of my family? My mother see's my father when she looks at me, my father see's my mother when he looks at me...so guess what....I'm hated!
When I try to talk to my therapists, I can only go but so far before they had me the long white coat, and drive me to the hotel with padded rooms.
I cry myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT....when I'm sleeping with or without someone.
Why am I not worthy of anything, but people who kill, lie, steal, cheat get everything?
Will this ever end...or does it have to END before it ends?
Everyone wants to "help", but they have no idea of the burden of really "knowing everything".
I wake up, everyday, thank God for allowing me have another day, and then ask him why he allows me to have another day.
Is this what it's gonna be, forever and ever amen?
If so, death seems easier...not better....just easier.
I'm an actress by nature...CLEARLY, because no one knows what's really happened or what's really going on.
Everyone thinks I'm a ROCK, when I'm really more like warm milk....or maybe even jello that's been left out for too long.
STILL WAITING FOR MY ONE MAGIC PILL!!! ANY DAY NOW..ANY DAY!

Honesty!

One can not afford to be mentally ill and completely honest at the same time. You have to be extremely cautious, and understand the possible consequences.
As "brilliant" as I am, I decided to break down yesterday, walk into my pdoc's office and tell EVERYTHING! I MEAN...EVERYTHING!
The result was them suggesting I be hospitalized...ummmm, that wasn't the exact response I was looking for. I'm not sure of what I thought was going to happen, as a matter of fact, I think my thought process was since I was getting noticeably worse that if I told the complete truth, that maybe they could fix it! Well, that certainly backfired on me! Who told me to go and think for myself anyway?
They also went on to tell me that my WBC (white blood cell) count was "alarmingly low"...I don't know about you, but when someone uses the word alarm in a sentence to me...I tend to get "ALARMED"! Apparently, normal is to 9, 10, or 11...my count is 2.8. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?! AM I DYING NOW?!?!? ON TOP OF ME BEING MENTAL, NOW I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DYING?!?! (Btw...That was me panicing) I knew what I was going to do as soon as I got home...I was getting on my computer, and going to google.com and ask.com. They couldn't, or should I say wouldn't, tell me how concerned I should be. What they did say was I needed to go back to the hospital at 8:30am, this morning, to have my blood work redone. WHATEVER!!!!
As for my meds...I haven't been sleeping over the last couple of weeks, so they told me to take 2 Xanax pills along with 1 Trazadone, & I should be able to sleep. I'm going off of Celexa because we still have no clue as to what it's doing to me other than reversing my OCD, which has caused me to be, in my opinion, a nasty person. Now, they want to put me on Prozac..hmmmm, I'll think about it, but the odds are not in Prozac's favor! Strattera...well, it's just as I thought it would be, for me! A DAMN WASTE OF MEDS!!! It hasn't done anything for me, so I refuse to take anymore of it.
Basically, what I was told was that I couldn't have any other meds until my new blood work came in...and so, my rage is taking over...I've flipped out on 3 people already today, and I think I owe 2 people an episode.
This next week should be very interesting!

Treatment

Am I getting any better? Who knows! But, there is something that I've been thinking about for a while now. I'm considering ending my OCD treatment. At the moment it's just a VERY STRONG CONSIDERATION, but extremely realistic at this point.
I actually miss my OCD! Who says things like that?
Well, I went from being EXTREMELY clean to not really giving a shit. My clothes have been separated in laundry bags for weeks now, and I have yet to take them to be washed. I still shower every day but I have to convince myself that it's not as bad as i think...while I used to take 2 or more showers without it even being an option. My hair used to get done, at the salon, once a week, EVERY SATURDAY MORNING, I was the first person in the chair, and the first one out. Now, well, let's just say that it's been 3 weeks since I was last in the salon...and I am considering wearing wigs full time to avoid having to go to the salon.
I have been staring at lint balls from my comforter on the floor, and have been complaining about having to vacuum for the last month. I just vacuumed yesterday...I had to force myself to do it!
It was so much easier when I was full blown OCD....time consuming, but easier!

My Inner Demons

I have a problem with the fact that other people have the ability to bear children.
Not them...just their ability to conceive, carry, birth, & raise them.
Why?
Because, I can't!
Outside of my mental issues, I also have a few internal issues...other that that, I'M AS HEALTHY AS A NEW BORN BABY, LOL!
It's my issue, I know....but, the fact that I've know for 12 years that I couldn't conceive hasn't stopped my attempt.
But, as of now...I give up!
In my head, it's not fair, especially since I only wanted one.....just one...IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Going Where?

I look back on the last two weeks and start to think about my efforts, over all, to try to make myself mentally stable. Is it worth all of the side effects that I have encountered? When I wasn't fully aware of my illness, was I better off? Some think that ignorance is bliss...I believe that ignorance is stupid! Which is why I took the time out to seek treatment...but, I can't see where I'm improving. I am less apt to throw things at someone in the fit of rage, at least for the first 10 seconds while I figure out if it should be a round object thrown to the head or a pointy object toward the left eye. I guess that's a step in the right direction, right?
I guess wishful thinking states that there should be some kind of miracle pill, just for me, that fixes everything.

WHERE IS MY DAMN PILL!!!????
I just want one, and only one! I'm not being greedy! I just want to be "normal". Where people that know me don't have to take into consideration what my reaction would be before inviting me to an amusement park that has long lines, or to a play that lasts for more than 15 minutes, or even to the park...where I know for a fact that there are bugs....I still have no clue as to why people try convince me otherwise!

*Will I yell at a woman if she cuts in front of me and steps on my shoes...YES, but only because she didn't say excuse me or apologize for stepping on my shoe.
*Will I yell at the man who is in front of me, in his car, just sitting there, and the light is green....NO, I'll pull up next to him, come to a complete stop, and stare dead in his face with an expression that clearly says "I dare you to say anything but I'm sorry".
*I think those are huge improvements!!!

NO? BUT, I DIDN'T SPIT ON ANY OF THEM!!!

Thank You!!!!

You never know just how many people are reading your blog, or how many people it affects. I get frequently receive emails, occasionally get comments, but NEVER HAVE I RECEIVED AN AWARD!!
This is my first...Jason, Random-Musing, gave me the Courageous Blogger Award.
YAY ME!!!
I can't remember the last time I've received any kind of award!
This is special to me because it means that whatever I write/rant is being taken in by people, and they are making attempts to understand what I am going through. It takes a lot for someone to blog...it takes even more for someone to blog about a mental illness. I have more than just this one blog, but this one, at the moment, means the most to me because I am still looking for mental clarity.
Thanks Jason for thinking of me, and recognizing me!!!

Strattera

Here we go again!
We are "trying" something new...AGAIN!!!
I've heard alot about this one, but I've always been against meds w/o stimulants. Why? Because I feel like there is a 50/50 chance that it will/won't work. After my body has been filled up with stimulants, do you really think that a non-stimulant can work? Don't you think they should have tried that one before all of the others?
Today makes day 2...nothing to report as of yet....I'll keep you updated!

I am a Guinea Pig

I am so sick and tired of the trial and error with meds!!!
I went into my pdoc's office on Monday, w/o an appointment, I even passed on letting the receptionist call to inform her that I was there. I just walked my ass right in there! Placed the devils pills, Lithium, on her desk and told her that I refuse to take anymore of those satanic pills!! I meant that!!! I told her that I would sooner go back on Ritalin and risk psychosis than continue to get fatter by the day! I weighed myself that day...I was 5 pounds heavier than I was the previous Wednesday that I received the medication....by then I noticed that my stomach had already started to decrease, which means, in my head, that I must have weighed more when my stomach was bigger.
My pdoc had the audacity to point out the fact that the majority of the patients in the office were significantly over weight.
So, what was she trying to say? That I had a choice...be fat or be mentally unstable?
I told her that maybe that was something that others were ok with, but being over weight is not an option for me!
She offered Depakote as an alternative.
I asked her what the side effects were...she said some weight gain...but there was a chance of hair loss...WHAT?!??!
She actually compared the side effects to chemotherapy....that was a no no!!!
So, I'm either mentally unstable or over weight bald person?!?!?
I know that my feelings about this is a bit exaggerated, but I always think of everything in the worse case scenario...I understand that every person's body reacts differently, but the side effects that are being explained to me are just not something that I can deal with at this point.
The end of our conversation is where I stated that she needed to find something that didn't have the side effects of weight gain/hair loss....even if she did a combo of meds that balanced it out...then I left!
I went the next 4 days w/o meds...was a bit lost...still holding a lot of water weight...confined myself to my bedroom...but all in all, felt better about confronting my doc.