Blah!

The downside of waking up early in the morning...a lot earlier than normal, is, by mid day, you are drained and ready to take a nap. I might just have to take one of those cute naps today.

Up Early

I'm, normally, NEVER awake this early in the morning. Even if it's a freak coincidence that I am awake, I'm normally exhausted.
But, not today!! I've been awake since 5am, and I feel good!
What's the difference?
Well, I'm not totally sure, but I can tell you what I did do yesterday.
I woke up yesterday and took my Ritalin LA, 40mg, and Celexa, 20mg.
I still feel that the Ritalin LA does crap for me, but I'm going to make myself take it anyway. I went about my day...doing absolutely nothing at first. I really didn't want to leave my bed, mentally I was fine, but I think my bed was trying to swallow me...it was doing the "I'm oh so comfortable thing", lol.
I agreed to take my family to the Port Authority this morning, so when I found out that I had to leave my house by 8:30am, I knew I'd have to make some sleeping arrangements. So, I went into my bedroom and took a Lunesta...yup, I still have about 6 of them left, and they will remain there in case of emergency. With Trazadone, I never really know when I am going to wake up, even when I time it correctly and set numerous alarms. With Lunesta, I can start counting approximately 8-9hours from when I took the pill. Even if I don't go directly to bed, which happened last night, I will still wake up after the 8-9hours is complete.
This is why I am awake so early!
And, I already took my meds for today!! YAY ME!!!
I'm going to keep my short term Ritalin on hand...just in case!!
Have a Blessed Day!! :)

Quick Update

I'm going to make this post quick, just to keep my holder-ers updated on what I've been doing to achieve my goals.

1) Saw my pdoc on Wednesday. She gave me more Ritalin LA. I expressed my dislike for the medication and she repeated that she would not be giving me Concerta because their pharmacy doesn't carry it. She said that she could write the script but I would have to pay out of pocket to have it filled. I then, expressed my dislike for Trazadone. I explained that I thought it was great to have consistant sleep, but my issue isn't just remaining sleep, it's also falling asleep. Lunesta worked for me because within the first 30 minutes to an hour it made me fall asleep, and remain sleep, for about 8 hours. Although, it kinda stopped working after a while. She told me that she understood what I was trying to tell her, and that she would give me Lunesta the next time I saw her, which is in two weeks.
I took ALL OF MY MEDS TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME...I'M REALLY WORKING HARD THIS TIME TO STAY ON IT! I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW..

2) I promised that I would start looking for work as an assistant appraiser...and I have been looking, and even sending out emails. This task is going to be the most difficult because I have no patience...but I feel strongly about it. I am giving myself until August to find a position. With a lot of prayer, positive thinking...and meds...I believe I can do it!

3) I still have to take my real estate appraisal finals. I have been searching for my books EVERYWHERE so that I can begin studying. I've been searching since Monday...can you believe I just found the stinkin things about 5 minutes before I started this post? I was going crazy! These books are wayyyyyyyyy expensive! Any-hoo...I am going to begin studying tomorrow, and I am going to call the school to schedule a time for me to take my first final! Wish me luck!

4) I am determined to move... And, I'm even more determined to no longer live in fear! So...I'm going to speak to my boyfriend this week. Yes, these three thoughts do go hand in hand. Once I speak to my boyfriend, no matter what the outcome, I'll go into more detail.

And that's all I have for now....How am I doing so far?!?

Home!

I decided to finally make my way back to NYC. I got home this afternoon and immediately took a Trazadone. Why? I have no reason really. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I didn't even bother to cut the pill in half. I took the entire pill, 50 mg.

I realized over the last 2 weeks, NYC can make anyone want meds! In other words...I think one of my issues is where I live. No, I didn't, by far, feel cured while in Atlanta. However, I believe I was less depressed while there.

I'm back to crying and feeling miserable. I tried doing yoga, and some meditation to no avail!

A few days ago I made some decisions, or shall I say goals, for my life. I decided to let you all in on them so you can hold me to them. Should you choose to accept the position as Amber's goal "holder-er" (LOL!! I know there's another word for it, but this one made me smile!), I feel it's my responsibility to warn you that I'm very, VERY STUBBORN!!! 

Anyway, here are my goals...

1) Contact my real estate school and make arrangements for me to take my appraisal finals.

2) Obtain a position as an appraisal assistant.

3) Take & COMPLETE my General appraisal courses.

4) Move out of the apartment I'm in.

5) Look into audio engineering courses (possibly take some courses next year. ONE THING AT A TIME!)

6) After completing my the required hours as an assistant, and obtaining my General Appraisal License, which will take about 3 years, move to Atlanta, Ga.

7) STAY ON MY MEDS!!! (This should be number one...but, I think just by putting it in caps puts much needed emphasis on it!)

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!! 

Sad, but, these are the things that stay on the top of my mind, but that's as far as it gets. I'm hoping that posting about it will get me in gear. That and the fact that you all will keep me on track!

Where I've Been

I've been around...just not around here. Actually, I went out of town. There is no excuse for me not blogging because I brought my computer with me. My consistantcy with everything has been off. I'm backed up on blogging, reading blogs, taking meds....and a numerous amount of other things. I keep saying that I'm going to do it...whatever "it" may be...I start, and then a few days later, I stop. 

My baby sister just had a baby. When I heard she was going into labor, I took a next day flight down to Atlanta. I kept trying to convince myself, during her pregnancy, that I could be of no use to her while I'm still trying to get my head straight, but I believe I was wrong..in a very big way. 

I've had so much fun over the last 2 weeks, and while my sister may say I've been a big help, I'd say that they've (my family) been a big help to me. I would have been kicking my own ass for years to come had I not been here to help. Being around my sister and brother has always brought a huge amount of calm around me. They make me laugh and smile for no reason. My sister's boyfriend told me that I need to move back to Atlanta. I asked why and he told me because all three of us are a lot happier when we are together. He said he's never seen my sister this happy. My friends in NYC were calling through out the 2 weeks and they noticed how happy and calm I sounded.

Being with my brother and sister does fill me with joy, but they don't really support my meds. They don't really understand, so I can't be mad at them. I tried to stay off of them as much as possible during my time here, which in turn kept me racey. I was unable to sit down and do anything other than watch movies with my family, and talk during them...only because we've seen the movies before...I hate when people talk during movies! 

I hate to leave my family, but it's time to return to my life in NYC. And, I have to set aside time to catch up with all of your blogs. I pray all is well! See you soon!!

It's Been A While

Why? I'm not really sure. I haven't felt any particular way since my last post, but I've been unable to sit still long enough to write anything. All of my blogs have been neglected, I hate this feeling. It's that useless feeling that I don't have any clue what to do with.
Small update...
I went off my meds again. I don't know why I do it. I go on for about a week or so, and then I stop. Today was my first day back on and I'm trying to adjust. The jitters are hitting me hardcore. I missed my pdoc/tdoc appointment this past week because I had to take a next day flight out to see my sister and my new nephew in Atlanta. I have enough meds to last me for the next week or so, but I have to go back for more.

I'm considering a permanent move to Atlanta. If you're close to me, this is of no surprise to you. Unfortunately, I don't have a car anymore, and to live in Atlanta, you must have a car.

I'll figure it out, but until I get my plan in action, I'll be traveling back and forth between NYC and Atlanta.

My Epiphany

It's not really an epiphany so much as a realization of what was going on with me.
My priorities fell out of line. When I left my job, I left for a good reason, it was either going to be me, or them. And since I don't look very pretty with cornrows and a neon orange jumper, I figured it would be smart for me to make my exit. When I did, at first I was ok, and I was very very happy. I was even still attending church. Then something happened. I ran out of meds, and my focus was 100% on my illness and nothing else.
I have to say that when I really look at it, alot of my unhappiness was my fault...the rest was my inability to focus on any one thing.

So, I'll be getting back on my grind now!

This Past Week

It was a pretty good week for me, but trying. But, I made it through. I had my doubts but I did it! My step-mother finally came back home, so, mommie duty was done for me. Oddly enough, I enjoyed myself while she was gone. Not that I didn't miss her, but it seemed the house functioned a lot smoother with her not being there. Also, I pulled out a talent that I kept hidden, even from myself...COOKING...I did a few days of cooking and my family actually enjoyed, and so did I. I actually woke up each day trying to decide what I would cook for my family. WEIRD!!

On the day my step-mother was to come back home, I drove both of my sisters to their respective schools and just as I was dropping my youngest sister off, the car dies.
It wouldn't have been half bad if I had showered and put on some decent clothes...I was wearing flip flops, gray capri sweatpants, and an over sized neon orange t-shirt that had a LARGE pic of a guy lifting weights on the back. I was a HOT MESS!!! To top it off, I was sitting in the car, in the heat, no a/c, in a tow away zone from 7:30am to 11am...I'm proud of myself because I NEVER EVEN SPAZZED! Now that's an achievement!

I've been on and off my meds this week. Funny, once you finally get meds, you pick and choose what day you take them. I doubled up on the Ritalin LA(equaling 40mg) a couple of days and it sorta worked...it worked better than 20mg. I haven't been taking the Celexa. I have no excuse for it, but I haven't. I've been falling asleep all by myself, with and without someone next to me. YAY ME!!! I'll use the Trazodone when necessary. The effects of me taking them is a bit much for a normal day...knocks me out for a lot more than 8 hours. So, when insomnia strikes again, which I'm positive it will, I'll start taking them again.

I need to be on them 100%, but I want to believe that I can do it on my own.
Reality...I CAN'T, BUT I REALLY WANT TO TRY.

I'm going to take them, with the exception of the Trazodone, EVERY DAY...FROM NOW ON!
I'LL BE A GOOD GIRL, I PROMISE!