Suicidal Thought

I had one the other night, more specifically, I had it on Saturday.

I try to stay in good spirits, but it's hard when the person around you is constantly miserable.
I understand where it's coming from, but, at the time, I didn't see how it was affecting me, until that thought came about.

As we laid in bed, him in a DEEP sleep, and me, just watching him sleep, it happened...
If I took some extra pills, I could go peacefully....
I would give my life so that he wouldn't have to feel anymore pain, sorrow, or sadness....
I could do it, and he would be better...then everything could go back to normal for him....

As silly as it may seem...this is really what I was thinking. That's where I was that night. It was all I could think about...but, I didn't do it.

Why?!?!

Because, first, why am I putting more value on his life than my own?
Then, I thought, the only one I sould be sacrificing my life for is God.
After, I thought about my family....How would they feel about it?
Finally....would that make him happy/better...or would it further depress him as I took my life for him, and beside him, and there was nothing he could do about it....It would have been his fault.

I'm ok now, I even seperated my emotion from his, which was hard.
But, now, how will this effect the relationship? Is this another Season?
God, please help me.....

Insurance

In about a month, I will have medical insurance.
Normally, I'd be excited, but I just found out more detail about our companies coverage, IT SUCKS!!!
I'm going to be paying $200/mth, and my OBGYN isn't listed with them.
So, that means I'll have to search for another one?!?! WHAT?!?!
I love all of my doctors, and have been with them forever. To search for a new one is shear torture!!!
The only good thing about me having the coverage is that when I get it, I'll be able to get more Singular for my annoying stress cough. Yup, it's back. And, honestly, this time, I think I'm doing it to myself...errrr, maybe I did it to myself all of the other times also....but, why blame myself if I don't have to? LOL!!!
Anyway, other than that my life is pretty still, THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!
I'm HEAVY in prayer for my other ailments....but everything is seemingly A. O. K. That works for me at the moment.

I am having some anxiety and impulsive thoughts/feelings...but, have worked extra hard not to act on them.
I'm trying!!!

Work

I left work early, again, today. I have a problem with sitting there and having nothing to do. It's such a waste of time, & life. It frustrates me to the point I feel like I'm going crazy.
I realize that a major part of it has to do with my inability to pace myself, but geezzzzz!!!!
Can I get some work over this-a-way.
I am a work-a-holic, which means you need to pile things up for me to do, I really don't mind!
This past Wednesday I had to cover someone else's territory & take care of my own....it was the most fun I had since I've been there! Give me more days like that!
I get to work at 9am, and generally have completed my work by, or before, 12pm.
If they don't have anything else for me to do, why can't I leave early? What am I staying for?!

Get Punched in the EYE!!!!

I REALLY DO LIKE MY JOB....I USED TO THINK IS WHAT THE BEST JOB OUT THERE, FOR ME, AT THE MOMENT. NOW...I FEEL OTHERWISE.

Ok, so maybe I'm going a bit over the top, but hear me out first.....

A bit of background info.....

I work in a small office in the city for an online, no fee, apartment listing company. My job is to update listings...basically, I make sure that the apartments are still vacant. So, I call & send out a ton of emails daily.
When an owner/company doesn't respond within 10 days, I remove them from our site, and set them up to be recalled 4 days later.
I don't do the recalls....someone else has that job.

That said person, has a quota to meet...their job is to contact the owners/companies and put them back into our database.

Here's what happened....

I removed a company from our database, who apparently has caller ID, because I couldn't get in touch with them. This company had around 27 aparments listed with us....it's kind of a large number.
Anyway, since the number was so large, my manager had me continue calling from other phones, and blocking the incoming number until they answered. I, of course, said fuck 'em...pardon the language.
Finally, around 3 or 4 days later, someone answered the phone. I made it very clear that I would not repost their information to our site if I can't have their cooperation. The lady agreed, and gave me her personal info so I could reach her and get the updates that I need.
I went into our database, and one by one, started reposting....not alot of work, but it's very time consuming.
After reposting, I continued about my day.

Toward the end of the day, I received a call from a very annoying customer, I'm not the only one who feels this way. He wanted information on apartments, which isn't an issue, but he calls everyday and then gets annoyed if I am busy and need to call him back. Meanwhile...he hasn't paid for the service, we're doing this strictly off of GP.
My manager told me to give him some listings from the comapany that I just reposted. He said let him be their headache since they gave us a headache.
I go into our database and what do I see?!??!

DUDE, that has the job of reposting, WENT INTO THE SYSTEM, ERASED MY NAME, AND ENTERED HIS.
THEN, HE HAD THE NERVE TO HAND IT INTO THE MANAGER TO GET CREDIT FOR IT.

WHAT?!?!? AWWWWW CRAPPPPP....WE 'BOUT 2 HAVE A FIGHT!!!!!

I confronted him, in front of my manager, and asked him what was going on with that particular account.
He says...."Oh, yeah, I just went in and put my name on some of them."

DUDE MUST HAVE BUMPED HIS FREAKIN' HEAD!!!!

I looked at my manager, and I think I must have turned 3 shades lighter....I was about to flip out!!!

Keep in mind, this company holds no monetary value for him or I. However, we are required to be at a certain percentage each day. And, it's the principal of the whole thing....THERE ARE PRINCIPALITIES IN THIS!!!! LMBO!!!

My view....

HE STOLE FROM ME, HE TOOK CREDIT FOR WORK THAT I DID....HE MUST BE FIRED...OR I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PUNCH HIM IN THE EYE & GIVE HIM A FAT LIP!!!
My boss made me calm down and said he'd take care of it. He knew how the account was gotten back, and he would correct it....BUT DUDE IS STILL WORKING HERE!!!!!

If his theiving tail isn't gone by the end of this week....I'm gonna use his hair to dust the floor!!!! WORD!!!

A Little on the Busy Side

Just a little...not alot!
I'm still actively taking meds & going to therapy once a week. I'm doing alot better, and I actual enjoy my job!!!!
I don't make a ton of money...but, it's decent pay, and I don't think about it when I go home. I leave work at work....so, I'm able to keep my sanity, go home to my love and just focus on us.
This is the first time I've ever been able to do this, and it is an incredible feeling.
I still have my "moments", which I will go into later, however, I they have been few and far between.

This is my HAPPY POST!!! :-)

Thanks Daddy-s!!!

I have two father's.....and, today, I just have to say thank you to both of them!

I couldn't have asked for a better support system today. I didn't know what to do. All I could do is shed tears of frustration.
Through all of this, they were able to hear me....and, really, for once, I was able to HEAR them!

I spent all of this morning popping Xanax, to no avail. What I was seeking was that calm that allows you to think, and feel, rationally. It didn't happen. I think I started taking them after my anxiety attack was already in full gear...stupid!!!

My Daddy in NYC, held me, as I cried, asked what was wrong, and assured me that everything was going to be ok.
My Daddy in South Carolina called me and reminded me of who was important, and that I had to take care of me first.
That's something I often forget.
They both told me that I will have their full support no matter what my final decision is. I knew that already....but, sometimes, it feels better for it to be confirmed.

They don't read my blogs....but, I had to let you all know how grateful & lucky I am to have 2 of the BEST FATHER'S IN THE WORLD!!!

I'm An Extremist

There is no gray area with me....it's either Right or Left...Up or Down...Black or White....THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN!!!

Which means that the end result for me, for some, may not be the most rational. But, to me, it makes COMPLETE SENSE!!

This morning, I packed up and moved out.
Why?!
Because he didn't get home until 8am....
Where was he?
Somewhere gambling....

The problem isn't completely what he did....but more of the fact that he didn't call me. For me to know that he was ok...or to ask if I was ok.

So...after many calls, one voice message, several texts, and calling several local hospitals....I packed up & left!!
I didn't want to hear an explaination...to me, THERE IS NONE!!!

I'M TIRED OF BEING NICE & NOT BEING APPRECIATED!!!! SCREW SUGARCOATING!!!!! LET'S BE REAL!!!!!!

TINA TURNER DUDE!!!!

I'm not saying it's completely over....we talked after my rage allowed him to speak.
What I am saying is that certain things aren't working, & in order for me to continue in this relationship the things that aren't working need to be fixed...or that's it for me!!!

As I Sit Drinking A Pepsi

I'm going to regret it later....BUT BOY DOES IT FEEL GOOD GOING DOWN!!!
Yup, I'm still doing things I know I shouldn't....but, I'm also doing what I'm supposed to....does that balance things out?

HELLO!!!

I know, I'm slacking, for real!!!
I don't have any excuses....other than the fact that I'm doing ok.
I'm am the extremist!!!
It's either one extreme or the other. I'm either blogging all the time, or not at all. I'm trying to find a balance, but this has always been difficult for me. Now that I'm working again, it's the same "workaholic" mentality that everyone knows and loves, lol....SARCASIM, OF COURSE!
The good thing about my job is I don't, and can't, take my work home with me. So, no more sleeping with Profit & Loss Statements for me. I only sleep with my boyfriend :-)
THAT'S A VERY GOOD THING!!!
For the most part, I am very happy. I'm a little more stable, probably because I make sure I take my meds, EVERYDAY!

I do have a few things to update you on, and since it's such a sloppy day out, I think we'll be staying in tonight, so, I should be able to get in a few posts.

Hang tight for a sec......

Went to visit my GYN

Was time for a check up. I'm so glad I did!!
I LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!
Even though I had to pay the expense out of pocket, it was well worth the feeling of comfort & acceptance!!

I haven't gone to see him since October of '06....& with my white blood count being such a major for my pdoc & tdoc, I figured I'd get an opinion I'd trust. Of course since I haven't seen him since I've been completely on meds, I had to give him a run down of the what's & why's.

His response - Amber, I'm so proud of you!

I gave him a "thank you, but why expression"...I always need to know why, lol!!!
He said that he is proud that I decided to find out, from a professional, why I felt the way I felt, & what could be done about it. He went on to give me the statistics, of which I already know, and said that he is proud of the choice that I made.
He then went on to ask me when/how I knew something was wrong. I gave him my history. And, he said...JOB WELL DONE!!!

THIS IS THE TYPE OF ACCEPTANCE THAT WE ALL LOVE!!! JUST KNOWING THAT SOMEONE, BESIDES OURSELVES, BELIEVES IN US & IS PROUD, MAKES US STRIVE TO DO BETTER!!!