Suicidal Thought
I had one the other night, more specifically, I had it on Saturday.
I try to stay in good spirits, but it's hard when the person around you is constantly miserable.
I understand where it's coming from, but, at the time, I didn't see how it was affecting me, until that thought came about.
As we laid in bed, him in a DEEP sleep, and me, just watching him sleep, it happened...
If I took some extra pills, I could go peacefully....
I would give my life so that he wouldn't have to feel anymore pain, sorrow, or sadness....
I could do it, and he would be better...then everything could go back to normal for him....
As silly as it may seem...this is really what I was thinking. That's where I was that night. It was all I could think about...but, I didn't do it.
Why?!?!
Because, first, why am I putting more value on his life than my own?
Then, I thought, the only one I sould be sacrificing my life for is God.
After, I thought about my family....How would they feel about it?
Finally....would that make him happy/better...or would it further depress him as I took my life for him, and beside him, and there was nothing he could do about it....It would have been his fault.
I'm ok now, I even seperated my emotion from his, which was hard.
But, now, how will this effect the relationship? Is this another Season?
God, please help me.....
5 Other Thoughts:
Amber, you really need to take credit for this amazing turnaround. Do you realize how rational and truthful you were with yourself? I'm proud of you. Even though things are going badly, you are still here, still coping, even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes, and I think that's truly something. You really deserve a pat on the back! Well done!
I hope all this doesn't sound like I'm discounting your pain right now, but it's a huge thing - I know how hard it can be to use reasonable mind in those dark times. Or to even want to be rational.
I hope things improve for you soon.
Take care,
Jac xXx
Would it surprise you to know that almost everybody has suicidal thoughts at some time of their life? I have been one of them.
It's only when you can't get such thoughts out of your head that they become dangerous.
I hope you feel better soon!
I just came across your blog, and I might be wrong, but it seems a little bit like you felt that others would be better off without you. I wanted to challenge you with another thought... maybe the others love you or care for you more than you know? You play a role for other people, they need you. Even though you go through rough times. nobody is perfect.. we all screw up, but it doesn't discount how valuable you are as a person. Hang in there :)
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments....just a little cloud over my head. I'm sure it'll pass!
Suicidal thoughts are troubling. But as my support group will tell you, it's when you start making plans that you want to be truely worried. It takes a lot of self awareness to realize you're thinking these things and rationalize how you are feeling. It's always a journey and sometimes it's hard. But I'm glad you were able to think through it.
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