The Big 5 - 4

Yup, 54 posts in draft. Why? Because I couldn't focus long enough to complete it. So sad! Or, maybe it was when I was blogging via Blackberry, and saved the posts to draft and never got a chance to post them....well, maybe not so much "not having a chance", but more so, forgetting all about them, so they never got posted. SO EMBARASSING!!!!
Here's a positive twist to it....I still have a lot more to tell you!! :)

Bloop!

Nothing amazing going on over here.
I am working! It's pretty cool because it's a DUMMY PROOF job! And, I get to wear my favorite outfit! T-shirt, jeans, and flip flops!!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!!
Anyway.....

I went to therapy this morning. I guess since I'm feeling better, my tdoc felt the need to delve into my past and my relationship with my mother, or lack there of.
I told her everything just as calmly as could be, minus any emotion. She was very surprised how I had no visable feeling, and I couldn't understand why she was surprised. I am so over that!!!! I will not allow my life to become a sorrow story as a result of her mistreatment or her abuse!
The tdoc explained how I may start to feel sad/depressed after our sessions because we are bringing up past memories that may be painful....UHHHHH....I DON'T THINK SO!!!
NOT I SAID THE CAT!!!!
NOT THIS TIME!
I've alotted a VERY small area in my mind for my past. It's an itty bitty purple box that has a lock and key. I care not to open it! I won't even share what I would do if I opened it because I don't know...never thought about it.
I'm just gonna stay in my happy place!

Question???

How many blog posts do you have in draft?
I have 54...I start, then something takes me away from it...WEIRD!
I'm gonna go back and try to figure out what I was trying to say, and post them. CLEARLY, they were important enough for me to begin the post...
What do you think?

Yeah, I know, it's been a minute since I've posted. I have no "real" reason as to why I haven't posted. I guess I've been busy enjoying my mind. I'm still blogging in my head....a little annoying, but it just means that I have something to tell you all.
I'm doing pretty good! Not 100%, but I'm thankful to feel semi-Amber "normal" after everything I've been through this year! Of course, you know, I went back on meds...and I'm happy to report that since I've received my Concerta, I haven't missed one day...haven't even considered not taking my daily dosage! YAY ME!!! THAT'S HUGE!
Still, in the back of my head, it sucks to know that I'll be taking meds for the rest of my life...but, I don't mind so much if it enables me to feel better. I'm still waiting to go up to my desired dosage of Concerta, 45 mg, but if I had a choice between what I have now, 36 mg, and nothing...I assure you, I'd stick with what I have. It's just that good!!!

Concerta Update

Feeling pretty good. Getting used to having clarity. Making some decisions that I wasn't able to make before.
One side effect of Concerta is weight loss. I haven't seen it yet, of course I haven't, it's only been a few days. However, the loss of appetite is already VERY CLEAR! I'm gonna pay close attention to that. Last time I was on Concerta I lost 30lbs in less than 3 mths. Can't let that happen again...maybe 10lbs...not 30!
Other than that...all is good!

My frustration now is...WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?!?!
Now that I'm to think more clear, I feel like this is the time for me to think about it, & go for it!!!!
Last night I was awake just thinking and starring at the ceiling...
My question to myself is...WHAT IS MY PASSION?
HMMMMM.....I DUNNO!!!
I thought REALLY HARD ABOUT IT!!! REALLY HARD!!!

I haven't made a final decision, but, I think I'm a more audio person than a visual person.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?!?
HELP ME WILL YA!!!

I Forgot...

I didn't mention what books I picked up the other day. SORRY ABOUT THAT!!!
The 2 books that I picked up from the library was...

* How Starbucks Saved My Life, by Michael Gates Gill

* The Right to Write, by Julia Cameron


I picked up the first one because it caught my eye. I mean...if Starbucks saved ANYONE'S LIFE I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
Turned out to be a GREAT BOOK! I didn't even know that it was a biography until I got to the register....people say, don't judge a book by it's cover, but I say...if the cover calls your name, TAKE IT!!!

The second was recommended by Rylah (thanks ;-) ), I start reading it tomorrow. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I looked over it already, and it seems like a good read!

I've been dying to get the book Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, ever since I saw her interview on Oprah 2 weeks ago. I don't know why...but, I had to have that book!!! I couldn't find the book at ANY library, so, I had to do the right thing...I WENT TO BARNES & NOBLE AND PURCHASED THE BOOK!!! Hey, I couldn't help it, just like the Starbucks book, it said my name.


I finished the Starbucks book, and should be finishing the other two, if not one, this week, and I'll keep you updated.

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

I feel like a part of my life has been given back! I haven't felt this good about myself, or anything else for that matter, since last yeah. Amazing what the RIGHT meds can do for a person's life and well being!
Today....BETTER....HAPPY!!!!! :)

CONCERTA HEAVEN!!!

AFTER FIGHTING AND A LOT OF SPAZZING....I FINALLY GOT IT!
I AM IN CONCERTA HEAVEN...SORTA!

So, here's the deal....they gave me 36 mg of Concerta. I should be on 45 mg, but my pdoc said if I take the 36 right now for 15 days, she'll increase my dose!!! YAY!!!!
In less than a month, I'm gonna be "Amber Normal", how exciting is that?!?!
She finally decided to listen to me after my tantrums and me not wanting to talk to her!

Today was my first day back on my Concerta, or any meds for that matter. And, while things are still a little jumbled & racey, everything seems a lot more clear...my thoughts that is. I forgot that I have to take Celexa with Concerta for the balancing effect. I'll remember tomorrow. Concerta, alone, has me jittery and having consistent anxiety attacks all day long. But, it didn't bother me....I'm just happy to know that I'm going to be better VERY VERY SOON!!!!

As always, I'll keep you updated!!! But I assure you, my posts will be a lot more mid tempered, and consistent from now on.
Good night!!! :)

What I Did Today.

Woke up (9am)

Went to p/tdoc

Went to the library

Had lunch (solo)

Went to another library

Picked up sister

Went to pick up meds at hospital

Spazzed when they wouldn't let me in

Took sister home

Fought traffic to go back to the hospital to get new meds

Picked up step-mother from work

Went home (7:30pm)

WHEWWWWWW!!!! What a day!!!

So Much Done

Today was an early day for me! I had to get up and go to the p/tdoc today! JUST WONDERFUL!!!

Since I was already out, I decided to do ALL of the things that I needed to take care of.

Over the last week or so, I've been waking up, without an alarm, between 6am & 7am, no matter what time I go to sleep.

I finally figured out what it was. You know when people say "you must have had something on your mind"? Well, normally I would say I don't know, but this was a time that was exactly what was going on.

I've had so many things, people, worries on my mind that it would wake me up.

It was getting annoying. I would keep me up until I finally decided to put a folding table on the side of my bed, because the thoughts in my mind wouldn't go away until I wrote it down.

GEEZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

But, know I have a slew of ideas, that don't relate to each other in any one way...but at least they're not haunting me anymore.

MORE HUGS

WHOEVER GAVE ME ALL OF THE HUGS TODAY...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

TODAY....I NEEDED THEM!!!!

OK

So, I'm in the process of  looking for jobs elsewhere. 

What am I looking for? Well, I found my pattern...out of all the "careers" that I want to do, from second to second, always leads me back to writing. So, I'm looking to write. 

What? I don't know, but I want to write. And I want to be able to do this from my personal laptop, anywhere, but REALLY IN A STARBUCKS! 

I want to be a writer....any advice/suggestions?

Getting support from family - NO

Getting support from FRIENDS - NO

Anyone understanding or attempting to help - NO

Do I give a shit? - NOOOO!!!!

I'm tired of explaining, tired of justifying, tired of being judged, tired of crying, tired of racing thoughts ALL DAY EVERY DAY, even more tired of people thinking that they are better than me because they've overcome obstacles in their illness, tired of trusting people who don't deserve my trust, tired of people thinking that I am not trying!!!!

PLAIN 'OLE TIRED!!!! I'm being told that I should do this on my own, when in fact I am. I live with my parents, but I help pay the bills...now that money has been tapped out, I am looking for another job, but my focus doesn't allow me to do it for an extended period of time. I don't have anyone to take care of me, pay my bills, or offer any support...only judgement.....which disgusts me!!!

I don't judge anyone...to each his own...I love my "friends", and even when we were sick at the same time, I WAS THERE!!!! I NEVER PASSED JUDGEMENT, I WAS JUST THERE FOR SUPPORT...WHATEVER WAS NEEDED, OR NOT NEEDED!

I don't need anyone telling me who I should & shouldn't have in my life everyday! I don't do that to them, even if I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE WRONG, OR UNHEALTHY!

Me being alone equates to ALOT OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND EVEN SOME ATTEMPTS!

IS THERE ANYONE THAT'S WILLING TO BE THERE FOR ME? DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE? I'm trying not to run away from my "issues", and not pretend as if my illness doesn't exist.

I don't want a cure, I don't want to act or pretend....I'm stuck because I want to manage it!

It may take me longer than it took others, but, that doesn't make them any better than me...& it doesn't give anyone the right to judge me!!!

My illness doesn't allow me to focus on one thing, I focus on EVERYTHING....SO, NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT I WANT TO DO! IF I KNEW, I'D BE DOING IT!!!

A Book For Everyone To Read

This is something that has been stirring in my mind to post! I thought it was necessary for people to read! I realize that some people just don't know what to do with me, and low and behold, someone came up with a manual, lol!!! I'm going to get copies for people that are close to me.

Take a look at James' blog, Finding Optimism - Health in Response to Mental Illness.

There is a book called Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend by Lisa J. Copen.

James lists his favorites so far, when my book comes in, I'll do the same.

If you want to order the book, click here.

New Career

Today, I want to be a make-up artist!

Oh, and the moment I get a chance, I need to purchase a new digital camera! I've decided to take pics of everything asap! And then, I can show you a lot more about me & what I see!

I took my meds, but they haven't kicked in yet, as you can see.

I figured you wouldn't mind me posting bits of nothings that's racing through my head & causing me insomnia. If you do mind, let me know, and I'll try to blog during regular business hours...SIKE!!!!

IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN POST IF I WANT TO, POST IF I WANT TO! :-)

Opinions

I never said that I was a nice person, however, I do think the post before last was a little harsh...& the one that I said I HATE ALL PEOPLE, yeah, that wasn't very nice either. 

Not gonna apologize, I meant what I said, but maybe I could have said it differently?

I'm just tired of having to justify ME! 

I wanna move out of NYC...I get.."You know your gonna have to go on a budget", or "Do you have a plan, because you need a plan".

I'M NOT FUCKING STUPID! I KNOW WHAT I NEED! IF I WAS CLUELESS, I WOULD'VE UP AND LEFT BY NOW! 

Then I get the people who claim that people get worse when they are diagnosed...or I am phsycosomatic! WORD?!?! 

YOU GET DIAGNOSED WITH A FUCKIN' MENTAL ILLNESS...THEN COME AND TALK TO ME!

I DON'T NEED TO HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO ANYONE....DO THE DAMN RESEARCH GET TO KNOW ME, THEN TALK. 

I have my flaws just like everyone else in the world...I just handle them differently! 

However, my positives out way my negatives, BY FAR!!

How about this one..."Just pray on it"...well, I've been praying on what I didn't know ALL OF MY LIFE! As of my diagnoses, I've been praying for the strength to MANAGE my weakness!

It's not gonna disappear, and I understand that. And, for some reason, God saw fit to give me this "gift". I'm not "dying", although it's been a thought, I'm just seeking the best way to manage my chaotic brain & emotions!

Bottom line - IF YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU SPEAK OF, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I AM NOT YOU! I AM ME! I LOVE ME! IF YOU DON'T LIKE/LOVE ME...THEN EXIT THROUGH THE SAME DOOR YOU CAME IN!

* As I see it, God may be giving me time to prepare for something BIG! I don't question why anymore...I ask how & what! I wish it didn't come in this package, but, who am I to question God's purpose for me, and further more, who are you!?!

**Go on about your life, but be prepared for God's interruption. -Pastor A.R. Bernard

Time

It's now a little after 11:30pm..

Tell me why I feel like working out (specifically running) & making lasagna right now!?

I don't even like working out, and I HATE RUNNING!

Lately, I've had cooking urges. I wonder why that is!

?!?!?

Why do I feel the need to make everyone feel comfortable with me being "me"?

I don't share with everyone anymore...I'm very selective! But, I want the people who "love" me to know exactly what I'm up against. I try to explain, and give them sites to research..but everyone just will not "get it". My bff said that I was like that, I denied it. But, after sitting here for the last 30 minutes, I realized she was right! She's right alot...I hate that! LOL!!! She also mentioned that I've gotten soft...WHAT?!?!? WHO?!?!? ME?!?! Yeah, I have, again, she's right! 

I used to have an "I don't give a shit, stay or leave" attitude, but now, EVERYONE IS GETTING CHANCE AFTER CHANCE! Even though they, technically, don't deserve it.

So...here goes...STAY OR LEAVE...AT THIS POINT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!! IF YOU REALLY "LOVE" ME, THEN YOU'LL STAY! IF NOT...YOUR SEASON HAS COME AND GONE...ENJOY YOUR BLESSINGS, AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! That goes for ANYONE WHO IS ON THE SHIT LIST!!! MY PATIENCE has left the building, on and off meds!!!! 

Come to think about it, I have no reason to be "overly nice" to anyone! No one has done anything different to receive special treatment! As my bff would say...."Don't be sorry, be different"!

TODAY

I woke up early, 7am....felt like shit! But, I was happy that I was able to wake up that early, w/o an alarm clock. I had a VERY BAD ATTITUDE!!! So, I decided to do the right thing....go back to bed! Maybe, just maybe...my funky ass attitude had to do with me waking up early, as I am not a morning person! I thought it was a good idea! Result...I woke up at 12pm...ATTITUDE WORSE THAN EARLIER! 

TODAY, I HATE PEOPLE! ALL OF THEM!!!!!

THE END!!!

Snakes

I wish I could be like a snake and shed off my old skin. It, to me, would  be like shedding off my past and starting a new.

I realize that I have issues with people that have wronged me in the past. It's not that I haven't forgiven them, it's more that I haven't forgotten. And, so I keep them at arms length, as to protect myself. It may not be fair, but it's how I handle it. I have lost many friends, but I'm ok with it. The one's that were meant to come back, are back. I'm blessed for that. But, I'm having an issue with one person...we've been speaking for the last few weeks via IM, and last night, my emotions took over, he mentioned his daughter and her name, and I logged off of instant messenger because I couldn't stop crying. Why? Because, he's an ex, that BROKE MY HEART INTO A TRILLION PIECES! It was over ten years ago, and the pain is still there. Reason - he cheated on me, and had his first daughter with "her".

It's not him I want, it's the fact that it makes me feel BROKEN/INSUFFICIENT a lot of the time. My issue, not his, not my friends, not my family's, not my boyfriends.

I try to front as if not being able to have children hurts me, BUT IT REALLY DOES....IT DOES BIG TIME!! When we were together, at the same time he was making babies elsewhere, we were trying to have a baby. One time we even thought I was pregnant...we went to my doctor only to find out that I had to have surgery on my ovaries, the next day, because of a serious health risk. You should have seen my belly...I looked as if I were at least 4 mths pregnant.

My inability to have children shouldn't be anyone else's issue, but it makes me feel like less of a woman...I mean women were given these organs to procreate. I want to have the same "pregnant glow" that other women have...and they don't even deserve to have a baby. Not to mention ALL OF THE ABORTIONS THAT ARE HAPPENING AT THIS VERY MINUTE!

I AM PRO-CHOICE.....BUT, I WANT THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CHOICE ALSO!

If I were a snake...I'd wanna forget all the dead skin(the past), but remember the lessons....and keep slithering on with life as if nothing happened...A NEW AMBER SNAKE!

HUGS!!

I have a button on the right side of this blog where you all can give me HUGS!

To date I've gotten 75 hugs. I think you all like me...that makes me SMILE :)!

I wish I knew who was giving me all of the HUGS.....

EITHER WAY...THANK YOU!!! You always HUG me at the perfect time...it's as if you know me!

Government Assistance

Well, I took the plunge...I am filing for everything that you can possibly imagine!!

SSI, SSD, Medicare, & food stamps...

This is my latest opinion on assistance....

There are people in America who are receiving assistance who really don't need it, or qualify for it. But, they receive checks, so why can't I?

I am one of the people who really need it, but don't really want it. The process is too lengthy...the applications are almost as thick as the Holy Bible...and, even though I am "mentally disabled", I may, still, not qualify. In other words, I may be going through this entire process for nothing...GEEZ!!!

But, what if I do get approved? Then that would help me with my stress at home..at least for the moment!

My tdoc said that she'd help me with all of the paperwork...I hope she's telling the truth because there is no way in the world I can do it alone.

This won't keep me from working, or trying to work. "The Man" said that if I find a job, then I can just cancel the assistance. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, almost too good to be true! We'll see!

Tight!!

But, not really...Pastor says "expectation leads to disappointment". Boy, was he right on the money with that!
Why did I expect my tdoc to have my meds today?!
-Because she said she would?
-Because we scheduled an appointment for this afternoon for me to pick them up?
-Because she claimed that she asked for a rush delivery which was to come in yesterday, so I would have them today?

It's my fault...why did I trust her? She has done NOTHING to earn my trust! And, still, I pray every night that it'll be ok!

People stink...this messes up my plans for the weekend! I was supposed to go a trade show tomorrow, but I don't think I can take all of the people that's going to be there w/o meds.

I'll try, but I can't promise anything!

Tonight

I did what I am supposed to do...I took my meds at 9pm. So, why am I still awake?

That's an easy question to answer...drum roll please...BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP  MY MIND FROM SPEWING OUT MORE AND MORE IDEAS. And they are specific ideas and thoughts, no no. They are all over the place! Today, I decided I want to take classes for medical transcription and medical coding. My thoughts were, I can take the classes on line, and when it's all done, I can work from home. They make, on average, 40K/yr. I figured, hey, why not?!?

Then I had a conversation with one of my little sisters, and discovered she wanted to study mortuary science when she goes to college. I've always wanted to own my own funeral home, so I got really excited for her & me, then told her that we can have a family business.

My mind changes from second to second...I'm working on it!

That same sister has been talking to herself lately. It's been a concern of mine for a while, and my parents kept saying that it was normal. And, normally, I would agree. However, this wasn't a thinking aloud conversation...it was more like, if you ever walked into the room where she was, ALONE, you would swear there was someone else in there. I would ask her who she was talking to, and she ALWAYS replied...herself. So, in my little sit down with her today, after cracking jokes about everything, from school, to my unwashed hair...I asked her when she talked to herself who exactly is she speaking to. She said that it's another voice in her head. I believe her because I've heard the arguments that she;s had with "herself". There is definitely someone else in her brain. I told her it was ok, and there was no need to be afraid....then asked her why she thinks she hears another voice and she replied that she talks to herself because she had no one else to talk to. I asked if she would be up to talking to someone else, like a "counselor"....and after explaining that the conversations would remain between the two of them, she was totally excited about it! Yup, that was my good deed for the day! I'm glad I spoke to her because she was starting to scare the shit outta me, lol!

How Am I? BLAH!

Not bad...not good! There hasn't been any improvement, but I haven't had any "spells" over the last few days either. I'm thankful for that. I haven't has any TRUE "spells", mainly because I haven't left my house. I think it's safer for the rest of the world that I stay in my house, at least until I get my new meds.
I've been writing poetry & blogging all day, in my mind...I HATE THAT!!!
RACY THOUGHTS SUCK ASS!!!!

Rebecca Riley Case

I was watching 60 minutes last night. Katie Couric was covering this case....I was so disgusted by the whole thing, and the way "THE MAN" is handling the entire thing. What do you think?

Just in case you missed it....here it is...

WBC's

WBC mean White Blood Cells.
Apparently they protect you from infections. This is something that even my 15 year old sister knew. I'm older..I can't remember what they are supposed to do, I just know I should have some.
I went to the hospital for a complete physical, including blood tests.
When my results came back, my pdoc said that my WBC's were "alarmingly low". She requested that I go back to the hospital to have the tests done over.
I asked why...she said that my level was 2.8, and it's supposed to be near 10 or 11. I'd say that it's a little low...just a little.
I agreed to go back the next morning, at 8:30am, to have them retake my blood.
They re-read me the results..it went up to 3. Oh well!!
When I went back to the p/toc's, for some reason the only thing they were focusing on was my WBC's.
They asked if I felt better going into a hospital for a while. So, what did I do...??!?!?!
I gave them their job description, which did not include being an Internist! I told them that the purpose for me coming to see them each week was strictly for mental assistance. If I was sick, I would be concerned about my WBC's, but since I'm not, I could care less!!! I asked if was knocking on death's door (as in, am I dying), they said no....so, I told them that I'll take care of it some other time, and there should be no further conversation about it!!!

I don't recommend ANYONE doing what I did....as a matter of fact, if I was not so mentally frustrated and drained, I might have gotten really nervous. Everyone has their own main health concern. Mine's, at the moment, just so happens to be my mental health. Allow me to get healthier mentally, and I'll take care of the rest!

A Mess

Ok, so I haven't able to give you an update because I am ALL OVER THE PLACE!! But, that's a whole other story!
So, here it is...
I finally went back to the doctor on Friday. My pdoc was actually there. She had me waiting for 30 minutes. Right before I decided to leave, because CLEARLY THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHO I WAS...my pdoc came out and said that she could see me. WHATEVER!!
Of course, she asked me how I was feeling...and I told her the truth! I've decided to go off of meds because I don't wanna be treated like a guinea pig anymore!
What I found out, via Amber trial and error...ALWAYS TELL YOUR P/TDOC THE TRUTH!!! AT LEAST ABOUT HOW YOUR FEELING! Now, I'm going to be selective of the things I tell them, as far as my experiences, but, if I feel like shit...THEY WILL KNOW ABOUT IT!! I feel like they are the one's making me feel this way anyway, so someone needs to tell them about themselves!
How I handled it - I spazzed on them, and told them EXACTLY how I was feeling, but I never threatened them (which is HUGE for me)! Every chance I got a chance to, I flipped. I made NO EFFORT TO CONTROL MY FEELINGS!! Why? Because every time they met with me, I was controlling every emotion, every feeling...and speaking VERY CAREFULLY, as to not alarm them. I seemed extremely under control, and aware of everything surrounding me. In other words...I continued "the act" as I do on a daily basis.
I have had enough of the act...and even more, I was through with experimenting with different meds!
So, when I went in on Friday....I told my pdoc, No Concerta, AMBER NO TALK-IE!!! IN OTHER WORDS, GIVE ME WHAT THE HELL I ASK FOR BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING!!!!
My pdoc said that she was very concerned about me and to have a seat in the waiting area while she places a few calls.
A few minutes later, she came back and said that she pushed harder, and she'll be able to start me on Concerta in a week!

Honestly, I believe I could've gotten it sooner, but I was scared to be committed so I played being "normal".

I'M ON MY WAY TO "AMBER NORMALCY"!!! YAY MEEE!!!!

She just better have my meds on Friday. I've been off meds too long, and I can't be held responsible for my actions if she tells me they changed their minds about the Concerta!