Snakes

I wish I could be like a snake and shed off my old skin. It, to me, would  be like shedding off my past and starting a new.

I realize that I have issues with people that have wronged me in the past. It's not that I haven't forgiven them, it's more that I haven't forgotten. And, so I keep them at arms length, as to protect myself. It may not be fair, but it's how I handle it. I have lost many friends, but I'm ok with it. The one's that were meant to come back, are back. I'm blessed for that. But, I'm having an issue with one person...we've been speaking for the last few weeks via IM, and last night, my emotions took over, he mentioned his daughter and her name, and I logged off of instant messenger because I couldn't stop crying. Why? Because, he's an ex, that BROKE MY HEART INTO A TRILLION PIECES! It was over ten years ago, and the pain is still there. Reason - he cheated on me, and had his first daughter with "her".

It's not him I want, it's the fact that it makes me feel BROKEN/INSUFFICIENT a lot of the time. My issue, not his, not my friends, not my family's, not my boyfriends.

I try to front as if not being able to have children hurts me, BUT IT REALLY DOES....IT DOES BIG TIME!! When we were together, at the same time he was making babies elsewhere, we were trying to have a baby. One time we even thought I was pregnant...we went to my doctor only to find out that I had to have surgery on my ovaries, the next day, because of a serious health risk. You should have seen my belly...I looked as if I were at least 4 mths pregnant.

My inability to have children shouldn't be anyone else's issue, but it makes me feel like less of a woman...I mean women were given these organs to procreate. I want to have the same "pregnant glow" that other women have...and they don't even deserve to have a baby. Not to mention ALL OF THE ABORTIONS THAT ARE HAPPENING AT THIS VERY MINUTE!

I AM PRO-CHOICE.....BUT, I WANT THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CHOICE ALSO!

If I were a snake...I'd wanna forget all the dead skin(the past), but remember the lessons....and keep slithering on with life as if nothing happened...A NEW AMBER SNAKE!