Sickness may take my body,and my mind, but not my spirit. My journey with Adult ADD/ADHD, OCD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, & Depression.
I just wanted to pause, and say THANK YOU for all of the extra hugs, I have 316...WOW! THAT'S ALOTTA HUGS!!! For all of the encouragement feedback via comments and emails, and even a few blog posts just for me. It means a lot that I have support, even from the Netherlands...which I think is wayyyy cool! LMBO!!!
My final test results come in on Friday, and we'll go from there!
I'll let you know the moment I know!
Grace & Peace
Amber Anique
I'm a little weirded out! A part of me, which I think is the better part of me, although very time consuming, is my OCD. Most people wouldn't agree with me, but I kind of like it. I assures me that everything is done, and I know this because it's in a pattern & I triple/quadruple check.
Which brings me to why I'm weirded out. Within the last 2 weeks, I didn't lock the front door twice! What's even more weird is that I distinctly remember locking the door. However, it's been proven that I didn't lock it because I was the only person going in & out. He stayed in those 2 days, and went nowhere near the door. He didn't get upset, or even fuss, he just let me know that I forgot to lock it.
Me on the other hand, I am very disturbed by this! HOW COULD I HAVE NOT LOCKED THE DOOR, BUT TRULY REMEMBER THAT I DID? Does this mean that my OCD is gone?
That's an aactual question, that I would like you all to help me answer. Please feel free to comment on this post as I am very upset by this!
Been having trouble figuring out my identity, who I am.
Me with meds, me without, me with him, me without him, me with my family, me without my family.
WHO AM I, REALLY?
Or maybe it should be, what am I?
Either way, I HAVE NO CLUE!
Which ever way it is, I've noticed that when other people are "involved" in my life, I'm another person. I instantly stop taking care of myself, & start taking care of them! I am no longer PRIORITY! What's up with that?
My family has been telling me this for the past couple of years, and I honestly haven't noticed it until recently, when all of my health issues became serious.
Should I just hibernate somewhere, where no one can find me?
Maybe I'll move to a small town in Alaska. Hmmmm, that's a thought.
Over the last couple of days I have gone through HUGE emotional changes. Oddly enough, my ex has been the one there for me, physically. I spent the last 2 days with him, and it was really what I needed & wanted.
I didn't want to discuss being sick. I was tired of talking about it. Every time it came to mind, I'd start crying, and once the waterworks started, it was hard to turn off. I'm in fear! Talking about it doesn't help!!
He looked at me, asked what I was thinking, I said "nothing, I'm ok"...he says to me, "You're lying"...I just stared at him, and nothing else had to be said.
He knew I was afraid, no, he knew I was TERRIFIED! And so, we slept the day away, with him holding me the entire time. No TV, NO QUESTIONS, NO "LET'S TALK ABOUT IT"....
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, IT MADE ME HAPPY! For one entire day, I was able to relax!
I spend my nights in constant fear, crying myself to sleep. If I don't take the meds, I don't fall asleep. Now, it's worse!
I have to go in for testing tomorrow...have you ever been so scared, you can feel the fear in your heart? IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!
I JUST WANT TO SLEEP...MAYBE EVEN BE A LITTLE "NORMAL".
I didn't bring any of my meds with me tonight, I have no clue what I was thinking, or if I was thinking.
I walk around with a face, as to say "everything is ok", but it's not! I've informed family & friends as if it's not a big deal...but it really is. I'M TERRIFIED!!!
I don't want to scare them...so, I put the face on. But, it doesn't help me AT ALL!!
WHY ME?!?
I can tell you one thing, if I had my fucking meds with me, I'd be sleeping & not thinking of my fear, & not crying myself to sleep right now.
If nothing else, I can honestly say that my life has been an interesting one.
Yesterday, I went to the hospital to get the results of my tests from Monday, only to find out that I have 2 malignant tumors & 1 benign tumor in my breast.
I think it's fair to say, at this point, that I can't catch a break!!!
I told my stepfather about it, and he was, of course, at a loss for words. He did tell me, like everyone else I had to notify, that "we'll get through this". WHO THE HELL IS "WE"?!?
I have to "get through this"....just as I had to get the results BY MYSELF!!!
I understand what everyone is trying to tell me, but, all of this is happening to ME, not WE!!!
Told my parents, in NYC, when they got home. My father hasn't spoken to me since, my stepmother doesn't know what to say.
Spoke to my mother, who lives in Vegas, she sounded upset & had to get off the phone.
My "support", or the "We" in this has completely shut down. IT'S JUST ME!!
I have breast cancer & I'm mentally ill...not thinking that this is a GREAT combo!
I wonder.....how is one supposed to react when they find out someone they love has cancer?
Do you think they should be informed at all?
As of last Thursday, the end of my relationship, I weighed 117lbs. I don't know how, or when, it happened, but, it did. I didn't even realize it until my parents pointed it out to me. I'm thinking it was stress. My parents could read my body, and my face, that I wasn't happy, but, I couldn't see it. Or, maybe, I didn't want to see it.
Either way, I'm not there anymore. I'm staying with my parents for the next couple of weeks, and then, I am moving back to Atlanta! YAYYY!!!! At first, I wasn't so sure that it was the right move for me, but now, as the days go by, I can honestly say that it's for the best. New Yourk City is not the place for the mentally ill. Not to say that Georgia is the best place to be...but, it sure as hell tops NYC.
I digress...The title of this post is "Gaining Weight" because as I said before, as of Thursday of last week, I was down to 117lbs.
I am please to let you all know that I have gained 3lbs since then. I'M UP TO 120LBS!!! THAT'S HUGE!!! I'm working on putting on a max of 10 additional pounds. I know that being south with my family will definately put it on...hopefully in the butt region, lmbo!!!
Later!
The early & untimely depature of our Dear Friend Dobro, has put me in deep thought.
I didn't sleep very well last night. I was scared. Scared for Me, Butterfly, Dobro, & ALL OF YOU trying to manage life with a mental illness.
I was in shock when I was informed of Dobro's death...and then, I cried. I cried HARD! Why?! Because, it could have been me. It still can be. It could've been YOU!
There is never a way to tell what is really going on with any one person. We all with hold information from friends, loved one's, doctor's, and even our blogger family with fear of being judged. The frustration of it all, and keeping it bottled up makes a person do irrational things, but, it seems rational to that person at that time.
This is "My Promise Project"....
I am an advocate for Mental Illness! I will create awareness...I will also document it. The world needs to know, and I am going to create a way to be the voice! Not just for Autism, but for MENTAL ILLNESS AS A WHOLE!!!
Assistance Please...
I can't do this alone. I am smart enough to know that I can't take on the world, by myself, and win. HELP ME HELP YOU AND OUR LOVED ONES!!!
I just received a text message from my BFF, she was telling me that a fellow blogger, Dobro, committed suicide on the 8th of this month.
While we are waiting on 100% confirmation, it appears that it may be true!!
There are A LOT of people who take Mental Illness VERY lightly. Mental illness is a serious issue in the world! Not just America, but, the ENTIRE WORLD!
To act as if it doesn't exist, speaks very poorly on the human race as a whole!!
It's been settled....
I am moving back to Atlanta.
Long story VERY SHORT!
We broke up, I'm sick, my family thinks I'll be better off in the South, I'm moving in less than 2wks.
I could get more detailed, but who really cares?
Not so good over here...but, it may start looking up!
God is good!! And, I'm sure that there is a reason why I am going through all of this mess. What the reason is, I don't know. But, THERE IS A REASON!!!
I'll update you when I get home this evening.
Well, I was sinking, THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS & FAMILY!!!!
Honestly, my faith was waivering...OH BOY!!!
But, then I thought to seek knowledge from 2 of my best friends, who also happen to be spiritual. While they both gave me scriptures from the Bible to read...one sent me the following via email........
You Shall Not Die, But Live!
It’s a wonderful day to be a child of God. My brother, my sister, as I was driving to church yesterday I began to think about my life and how faithful God has been to me. Even when I was knowingly doing wrong, the Lord was still faithful. When I was plotting and planning to do ungodly things, He still kept watch over me. There were times when things appeared out-of-control. Money was low, friends were few, life seemed meaningless. I remember contemplating suicide because I thought it was an easy way out. Do you realize satan is cunning? he is good at making you feel worthless. I can recall times when I made up my mind to end it all. Truthfully speaking, everytime I tried God would intervene. He would never allow me to do harm to myself.
Today, I have been commissioned to come and minister to you. I know how it feels to wonder if anyone really cares about you. I know how it feels to question the loyalty of family and friends. I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep at night, only to wake up the next morning still crying. I know how it feels to walk the floors wondering if or when God would show up. I can relate to what you are going through. BUT, I also know even if God shows up at the last minute, He is still on time. Could it be possible that you are giving up too soon? Could it be possible that your clock is set to a different time than God’s? The Bible declares in Psalms 37:25 - I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. My friend, You Shall Not Die, But Live!
Beloved, now is not the time for you to give up on the Lord. He is able to come see about you. Just because He has not shown up when you thought He should have, does not mean He will not show up. During this season, your faith needs to be stable. The enemy desires to do anything, use anyone, and say whatever it takes to destroy you. Today, I declare and decree in the name of Jesus that You Shall Not Die, But Live! Child of God, I speak life into your spirit. According to Mark 11:23 - For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
Scripture Reading for Today: Read God’s Résumé
(He can handle whatever you experience)
I LOVE YOU SHAWNTE FOR SENDING THIS TO ME!!! AS ALWAYS, HE, & YOU WERE RIGHT ON TIME!!!
I just spent all morning on the phone with my family.
It looks like within the next couple of months, I may be moving. I'll keep you all posted as to what's going on....maybe this will help me!!
Fear is overwhelming....I must say, I'm not taking this too well!!!
Every chance I get I'm crying. In between crying, I'm staring off into space...not really looking at anything...just thinking "why me?!?".
I don't think that anyone REALLY GETS IT!
ONCE AGAIN....I'M ALL ALONE!!!
I found myself not wanting to wake up the other night, so, I took 7 Xanax....CLEARLY THAT DIDN'T WORK!!!
Don't misunderstand me, as weird as this may sound, I wasn't trying to commit suicide...I just didn't want to wake up.
I'm TIRED of the meds, tired of the doctor ALWAYS GIVING ME BAD NEWS, tired of the pain & the fear, thru with having to explain it all!!!
I know that I don't know the results yet, but I'm tired of having to go through all of this! You know, no one in my immediate family gets anything but a cold....& they rarely get that. IT'S ALWAYS ME!!!
I love my family, & I don't wish ANY OF THIS ON THEM....but, I do wish that I didn't have to take this on myself.
Did I do something wrong to deserve this?? If so, I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE!!!
