Terrified & Alone

I'm alone in this...and I really don't know what to do.
No one can have a conversation with me with out judgement, which means, I'm left to figure it out on my own.
I'm considering stopping meds all together, with the exception of Xanax...to help me sleep.
I'm tired of being used as a lab rat.
I know what works, but they won't give it to me. If I want it, I'd have to pay out of pocket which totals over $300/mth.
The latest trial and error, Lithium, was nothing short of a train wreck.
What now?
I go into the p/tdocs office in the morning, full of frustration and emotion, try not to break down in tears & beg for help.
What kind of help is the issue.
I've been off of Celexa for about a week now.
Went off of Lithium as of Saturday night, after being on it for about 4.5 days.
Taking Xanax when needed.
And, now I'm on water retention pills, for the water weight damage that the Lithium did.
I feel a mess, helpless, worthless....and ghost like, if you know what I mean.
Praying all day and night for guidance....still no answer.
I can't talk to my friends because they really don't understand, even in their best attempts to try, I feel like a burden, and they feel helpless and lost for they don't know what to do or say.
So, I just sit up in my bed, staring at the walls...yup, I'm back to staring at the walls, it's the only thing my brain will allow me to do efficiently.

LITHIUM IS THE DEVIL!

I am on day number 5 of creating a lithium level in my system. You know...when you have to gradually up the meds, day by day, until you reach the pdoc's desired mg they're prescribing.
Well..last night, the evening of day 4, I made the decision to stop ALL LITHIUM TREATMENT!!!
WHY?
I'll tell you why!
The very first pill that I took on Wednesday made my stomach expand!
What the hell is this?!?!?
My pdoc said that there would be some weight gain, but she didn't explain that it would be instant.
If you have a problem gaining weight...Lithium is the way to go.
If I would have continued taking it, there's no telling what would have happened...what I'd be positive about is my depression would have gotten a lot worse!
I made the BEST decision for ME mentally...and probably the best decision I've ever made!

???

What is it about being in a different surrounding that makes me want to blog?
I can't seem to do it at home anymore...so, I make plans to do it elsewhere. We'll see how this works out.

Today marks a new beginning for me...in a way!

Today marks the end of me taking Ritalin LA! YAY ME!!!

I traded it in for 300mg of Lithium!

Some may think that it wasn't a great idea...but, for me, it's a wonderful thing!

At this point, I am willing to try just about anything that will work!

I have letters to write and blogs to update....I need to live my life! I pray that I'll be able to do that soon.

Today

I decided to go to church today, As a matter of fact, I was prepared to the extent that I spent 3 hours yesterday flat ironing my hair so that I couldn't use my hair being a mess as an excuse. I told myself, and anyone who would listen that I was going to the second service, 10:30AM, and any plans that were to be made needed to be scheduled for early/late afternoon.
So, what happened?
Well, let's start with, I woke up on time, hit my alarm, then went back to sleep. When I did wake up, it was 11am. I made a few phone calls, then sent a few texts. Then, as recommended by my bff, I got out of bed and made the decision to go to 3rd service, 1:00pm.
I did it...I made it to 3rd service. I was proud of myself for doing it!
Then...IT HAPPENED...I was only in the sanctuary for about 20 minutes...then, I left. I COULDN'T STAY! I FELT EVERY WHERE, AND MY BRAIN WAS ON WARP SPEED! I tried to stay, then started to cry. Why cry? OUT OF PURE FRUSTRATION! WHY THE HELL AM I ON MEDS IF THE SHIT ISN'T HELPING ME????? WHY POLLUTE MY INSIDES, AS JAY WOULD SAY, IF THE FUCKING MEDS AREN'T GOING TO WORK?
I'm home now, pissed, and mad at the entire world! Right now is a good time for everyone to stay away from me. Maybe we'll chat later!

Short One

I figured I'd give you a quicky.

I'm doing ok, considering I keep forgetting to take my meds. I'm up & down & all around. Of course, I'll never admit this to my p/tdoc. As far as their concerned, I'm doing all I'm supposed to be doing.
I think I'm purposely forgetting to take my Ritalin LA. I get EVERY side effect from it, and I don't like it, and I feel like it's not fair! Yeah, sounds bratty, but I don't think that it's fair, and it's MY BLOG, so I'll be bratty if I feel like it!

I haven't been blogging on Blogger, but, I have been blogging in my head, does that count?

I've been sleeping w/o my sleepy time meds a few times this week. But, I've also been drinking. You think those two are connected? Hmmmm....

I have a physical scheduled for Monday, and on Wednesday my pdoc is supposed to be taking me off of Ritalin LA, and putting me on Lithium. THIS TIME, I'M GOING TO ALLOW IT. I'M WILLING TO TRY ALMOST ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE ME SEMI-NORMAL AMBER AGAIN!

I Did It!

Ask and you shale receive!
I must be crazy asking for PMS!
But, I did, and so I got it!
I will never do that again!
EVERYTHING IS MAGNIFIED TODAY!
I HAVEN'T SLEPT, PMS....DIDN'T BOTHER TAKING MEDS BECAUSE AS SOON AS I GET SLEEPY, I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP..AND STAY THERE UNTIL TOMORROW!
It's a beautiful day here in NYC!
The only thing that's keeping me positive right now is the weather and the fact that I'm about to watch Ratatouille on dvd.
I normally don't do this but, my father borrowed the bootleg from a friend because I was complaining that he went to see the movie without me...
I'm going to get in my bed, underneath my blanket, in the A/C, with a salad, chips & a soda and watch it!
I'll let you know how it turns out.

Moods & Emotions

I'm full of them today. All feelings are rushing at me from every direction. I wish it were PMS! Yup, it's that bad that I'm wishing for PMS! What woman does that?
The sound of people talking make me tired, sad, angry, frustrated, and then makes me cry.
I'm not crying in public because I'm no punk...I went into the bathroom and did it. My baby sister watching me with a look that screams YOU ARE SOOO LOSING YOUR MIND! Little does she know...I lost it a long time ago.
Nope, not feeling sorry for myself, just frustrated that I can't get control of anything, including myself.

A World of My Own

It's so sad that I can't really explain to anyone, including my p/tdoc's exactly how I feel.
I can tell them, but you'll never really know what I'm talking about unless you've walked a few feet in my shoes. I have friends who have other illnesses, and we try to relate to each other, but it's hard. Our symptoms and reactions are VERY different. And, even if we had the same diagnosis, we would most certainly handle it differently. So, I'm stuck, all alone. Wishing on a daily basis for a little bit of Amber normalcy. I can't really remember the last time I stepped into that world, but I miss is more than I miss cool days...and it's hot as hell here!
I think that the heat makes me even more irritable. I try to warn people that come in contact with me when I'm having an pff day. But for some odd reason, they rarely take heed. Why is that? And then, they have the nerve to be pissed when I spazz out.
Did I not just tell you that it's a bad day for me?
Did I not just ask if we could please take this issue up at another time?
Were you listening when I said right now isn't a good time for me, and I'm not feeling well?
When people look over the warnings that I have CLEARLY GIVEN, it makes me feel as if they don't care about my well being...so then, I spazz, because if you don't care about my well being...why the hell should I care about yours? SCREW YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS!!! I WARNED YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND CLEARLY YOU DON'T CARE...KEEP MESSING WITH ME AND I'LL HAVE TO KICK YOUR ASS! AND, IT'LL ALL BE YOUR FAULT!
IS THERE ANYONE THAT UNDERSTANDS? AM I REALLY ALONE IN MY OWN WORLD? IS THIS GONNA BE ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I Do It To Myself

I've been off meds for a little while now. I mean consistently off of them. The only thing I've been making an effort to take is my sleepy time meds. Why? Because, I'm still not sleeping. For a while I thought my day time meds had something to do with it, so I decided to stop taking them to see if it would make a difference...to no avail.
Today, I had to run around for my family at the last minute. So, since I knew what I was in for, I thought that I should go in prepared.
What did I do? I decided to take my meds....I always forget what happens then I've been off of them for a while, and then randomly start back.
I feel like I have no control over my body...outer body experience times a million!
Why can't I just do what I'm supposed to do? JUST TAKE THE DAMN MEDICATION!!! JUST FUCKING TAKE IT!
I want to say I need a system, but, what kind of system can a person have just to make you take the damn medication?
I don't forget it...I just don't take it. And, I keep saying to myself...TAKE YOUR MEDS, TAKE YOUR MEDS!!!!!
I'LL FIGURE IT OUT!!!!!

Update

-Still on meds :(
-Still going to the p/tdoc
-I got a job, that I believe is REALLY FOR ME! If what the gentleman said is true, and God is willing to bless me, then IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!
-I AM MORE THAN READY TO PROCEED WITH MY CHANGES!!! I'M STILL PRAYING IT COMES SOONER THAN LATER!
-Sleep has been off and on...concentration...even worse...but, I'm trying!
-Photo shoot with my best friend this weekend!!!! I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!!
-I have a rather odd addiction to soda, latte's & chips....going through withdrawal now. :-P

HANGIN' IN THERE!

4 Page Letter

Or, something close to it...maybe 3 and a half.
I sat up one night and had a million feelings rolling around through my head. I knew that there was no way for me to ever fall asleep while I was this full. So, I decided to write him a letter.
After, I felt somewhat content, and decided that I would mail it the next morning. To make sure that I did as planned, I placed our addresses on an envelope, sealed it, and put a stamp on it. I placed the letter on my jewelry box, knowing that I wouldn't forget it if placed there.
The next morning, on my way to the pdoc, I got dressed, grabbed the letter and placed it in the mailbox.
After sending it, I knew it was the right thing to do, I felt very proud of myself.
The letter itself was very girly...mostly, expressing a sample of what I felt with our relationship.
Why did I feel good? Because, if all else fails...I can at least say that it was said. Maybe not everything, but most of what I felt at that moment was put down on paper and received by him.
The outcome...hmmmm, I don't really know. I know that he received the letter because I saw it in his bedroom.
He didn't bring it up in conversation, and neither did I. My thoughts is that I made the first move, he should have made the second.
We did end up having an interesting "conversation" about relationships and pride.
My discovery...I'm ready for a real relationship....and, I'm not sure he is ready to be 100%.
This doesn't change my love for him, but it made me understand him a lot more than I did.
I love you Jay!!! :)

Frustration

I'm laying down on my bed, making my best attempt to relax. I'm in the middle of a HUGE ANXIETY ATTACK!!!
My body is numb, but my heart is racing and it feels like my body is trying to turn itself inside out.
I don't know what to do. I took my meds like I was supposed to, and it seems as if the exact reason that I take Celexa is happening at this very moment. I'M RACEY ALLLLL AROUND!!! MY HEART RATE IS EVEN UP MORE THAN IT SHOULD BE!
WHAT NOW!

I'm looking for that magical thing. That feeling that makes you feel warm, and gives you butterflies in your tummy.
Do you know what feeling I'm talking about?
Yup, it's the one that can only come from.....CHIPS AND SODA!
I think I'm going through withdrawal. I NEED CHIPS AND SODA NOW!!!!!
Your probably asking why I won't go out and get some, right?
Ok, the answer to that would be BECAUSE!!!!
I don't want to go outside. Why isn't there any junk food in my house?
AM I BEING PUNK'D AGAIN?
I've got the shakes and I'm having hot flashes...CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME SOME CHIPS AND SODA????
PRETTY PLEASE. WITH SUGAR ON TOP!

100 Things About Me Pt.10...THE END!!

91) I have had 4 surgeries.

92) I believe that there is a pill for everything!

93) I spent 2 years driving around the United States, but have never been outside of the country.

94) I love Listerine!

95) Things I simply can not/will not live without – Blistex, Lipglass, Lever 200/Dial liquid soap, Starbucks Latte’s, Smart Water.

96) I love to clean!

97) My idea of cleaning is throwing everything away.

98) I learned how to use guns at a shooting range and have extremely good aim!

99) I completed this entire list in one evening.

100) I’m not sure if I’ve learned anything about myself through all of this, but, I laughed a lot at myself and I’m proud of myself for completing it!

100 Things About Me Pt.9

81) I don’t want to see the new Simpsons movie in it’s entirety. Just the part with Homer and the pig…and Homer is singing …Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does….THAT JUST HAS ME CRACKING UP!


82) I am a certified notary public, personal trainer, aerobic instructor, bartender, and ordained minister.

83) I don’t use any of my certifications.

84) I only own one hat, that is brown and I purchased for $180-…3 years ago…still has the tag on it.

85) I avoid rejection at ALL COSTS!

86) I have no patience and refuse to wait in lines.

87) I have left job interviews, go sees for modeling, lines in stores, lines in DMV’s to get and renew my license because the lines were too long for me.

88) When I was younger, I was in a singing group called Crystal Innocence.

89) I have known that I can’t bear children since I was 17 years old.

90) Because I can’t have children, I am convinced that whomever I end up marrying will have had one child of his own. And, he will allow me to have a dog.

100 Things About Me Pt.8

71) My grandmother, Jeanee Weanee, passed away when I was 12 from cancer.

72) I believe she was the only person that understood me.

73) One of my favorite quotes is from the movie Mary Poppins…”A place for everything, and everything in it’s place”.74) I broke up with a guy for giving me yellow gold jewelry as a gift.

75) I only wear silver, white gold, and platinum..see the pattern? He really didn’t know me!

76) My favorite books are The Coldest Winter Ever by Sista Souljah, Shades of Jade by Gloria Mallette, and Sex God by Rob Bell.

77) I love surprises. But, if you ask me, I’ll deny it.

78) I love Coconut Nectar Lotion from Sephora.

79) I wore black toe nail polish for more than 10 years because it matched everything.

80) I don’t watch TV because of commercials.

100 Things About Me Pt.7

61) When I was younger, New Kids on the Block was my favorite group.

62) No one could tell me that I wasn’t going to marry Joey McIntyre.

63) I have had my entire wedding planned since I was 12 years old.

64) I love chicken, but would rather eat a ceasar salad every day if I could.

65) I frequently forget to eat on a daily basis, but will always remember to have a soda or some kind of juice with sugar in it.

66) I love Smart Water and think that any other water is stupid! LOL!!

67) I don’t sleep underneath my comforter and sheets. I use another comforter that I fold up everyday after using it.

68) I only use liquid soap. I still can’t understand how anyone can still be using bar soap.

69) I bleach my teeth. Doesn’t everyone?

70) About 5 years ago my father bought me a large stuffed bunny rabbit that remains on my bed at all times. I named him Rosco.