Terrified & Alone

I'm alone in this...and I really don't know what to do.
No one can have a conversation with me with out judgement, which means, I'm left to figure it out on my own.
I'm considering stopping meds all together, with the exception of Xanax...to help me sleep.
I'm tired of being used as a lab rat.
I know what works, but they won't give it to me. If I want it, I'd have to pay out of pocket which totals over $300/mth.
The latest trial and error, Lithium, was nothing short of a train wreck.
What now?
I go into the p/tdocs office in the morning, full of frustration and emotion, try not to break down in tears & beg for help.
What kind of help is the issue.
I've been off of Celexa for about a week now.
Went off of Lithium as of Saturday night, after being on it for about 4.5 days.
Taking Xanax when needed.
And, now I'm on water retention pills, for the water weight damage that the Lithium did.
I feel a mess, helpless, worthless....and ghost like, if you know what I mean.
Praying all day and night for guidance....still no answer.
I can't talk to my friends because they really don't understand, even in their best attempts to try, I feel like a burden, and they feel helpless and lost for they don't know what to do or say.
So, I just sit up in my bed, staring at the walls...yup, I'm back to staring at the walls, it's the only thing my brain will allow me to do efficiently.