Is It Too Much To Ask

I want to say it's me, I even want to go as far as pointing out that I'm not 100% on my meds, but not this time. Sometimes I over react, and other times I'm alarmingly calm. But, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR SOME FUCKING COURTESY?!? For instance..if you are supposed to be meeting me somewhere at 8pm, and it's 7:45pm and you are nowhere near the agreed upon meeting place, PICK UP THE MUTHAFUCKIN' CELL PHONE!! Or, if you've volunteered to assist anyone, not just me, and you have no intention on showing up...PICK UP YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN' CELL PHONE!! Tell me why I must be left on hold! WHY?!? HAVE YOU LOST THE LITTLE BIT OF COMMON SENSE THAT GOD GAVE YOU, OR ARE YOU JUST THAT FUCKIN' STUPID! Yes, these things piss any normal person off, but for me...minus meds...it's magnified times ONE BILLION...IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MUST BE BEGGING ME TO WILD OUT!!!! Ok, I feel a little better now...whew...ok, I'm calm...and now we will return to your regularly scheduled program!

NAMI WALK

As I told you in my previous post I am going to be walking with NAMI. My goal is to raise as much money as I possibly can, but ultimately, raise awarness. This is the link that you can click on for donations , any amount is greatly appreciated. Unfortunately, I only have 15 days for fundraising because we found out about the walk late, but even after the walk is over, my friends and I will continue to fundraise and raise awareness. Thank you for all of your support!!!

Just The Beginning

A few of us have been looking for ways to make a difference. Here is what we came up with so far...
NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) is having a walk on May 12, 2007. This is just the beginning, for me, in advocacy. As we build our team site, I'll be updating you. Please pledge and help us reach our goal!!!

Advocacy

I was in the train station on Friday, waiting for the train when I looked over and saw a woman reading a book about ADD. Instantly, I walked over to the woman, sat next to her and said, "I noticed the book your reading, are you ADD also?" No, this wasn't the most appropriate waay to spark up a conversation, but I was too excited. Bottom line, after I scared the piss out of her, and gave her some non-scary information once I calmed down, she was thankful, and I found a calling. I want to be an advocate. Not just for ADD/ADHD, but for mental illenss. Doing alot of research, and I put a pause on Meetup.com, but I have HUGE THINGS COMING UP...Keep you posted!

Children Are Seemingly More Intelligent

As usual, I attended my volunteer work on Saturday. I try to make sure the girls are as well rounded as possible; so, one of the things I have them do throughout the week is pay attention to the current events each week so we can have a discussion when we meet up. One of the requirements is that if you don't know about the subject do not discuss it. Hopefully this will prevent them from discuss things that they are clueless about, that and the fact that it's one of my ultra pet peeves.
This weekend, of course, we discussed the Virginia Tech shooting. The girls were really focused on how it was possible that the school didn't know that the shooter was mentally ill. The questioned whether he "looked" mentally ill...could they not look at him and tell? Good question...I, in turn, asked what does a mentally ill person look like. They couldn't answer. So, I told them...A mentally ill person looks like me. I came out to them. Interestingly enough, they wanted more information. They wanted to hear what made me this "special" person. And, THERE WAS NO JUDGEMENT!! They didn't want to be ignorant, like many people I know. How is it that speaking to high schoolers can be better than speaking to adults? How are they more accepting? Is it because the MAN has yet to completely brain wash them? The sad part is, I can hear that some of them feel the same way I do, and want to get help. They asked, can they go to the doctor without their parents knowing because when they tried to tell their parents, they laughed at them and said there was nothing wrong with them. Sounds wayyyy familiar! So, I pose this question...If we started listening to the children, not laugh at them, and attempt to get them some kind of help...can we prevent another Columbine or Virginia Tech incident?

NOT TODAY

I haven't slept yet, and I'm probably not going to. I have a busy day ahead of me. Yesterday was my best friends birthday, and today we are celebrating with a huge party! All I can do is think about all of the things I have to take care of to make sure I'm prepared, and so I can make sure I'm available to help whenever and wherever needed.
So, today isn't a good day for me to go to the ER. I WILL NOT GO!!! NOT TODAY!!!
I don't think I've ever been more terrified of going than I am at this moment. As per previous blog posts, you are probably aware that I self-diagnos. If my symptoms really do match up with what I've researched...then...I'm even more sick than my mental state. Sad part is, I found more than one result when I did the research. If it's any one thing that matched up with my symptoms, I'm in trouble.
I want to cry in my man's arms and have him tell me I'll be ok. But, that'll never happen because he's never met the real me. He only knows my rep. So, if and when I tell him, it'll probably be in some passing joke format...Hey, guess what, remember when I said that I had this problem? Well, I was right..told you I should've been a doctor. We could be paid right now! I hate this...I'm out of the closet but under the covers.
I tell lame jokes to keep people from knowing that I'm hurt..but I am..and I'm scared. What if I am right? No one will be able to convince me I'll be alright. I won't ever be alright...I won't need my mental health, so screw meds.
I hate being alone! I hate not having someone strong to support me. I don't need someone to cry with me, I need someone to stop me from crying a river..or a big ass ocean!
I'll mute the tears and fears for a day, and resume on Thursday, where life as I know it will resume, and I'll be terrified once again to go to the ER.
At this point, I can use all the prayers available...

LMBO!!! HAAAAA!!!! THIS IS SOOO ME!

Fuck Tha World

I have people close to me that feel the need to lie to me. Why? I don't lie to them. I trusted them. And, they lie about the stupidest fucking shit!! Why, why, WHY????? And, then they act as if it's ok..NOPE, NOT OK..NOT COOL!!!
LIKE I SAID BEFORE...CLEARLY...I'M IN THIS SHIT ALONE!!! I'm going to go back to my old motto...as per Method Man & Biggie...FUCK THA WORLD DON'T ASK ME 4 SHIT!!! Screw being nice and being a friend! No one appreciates that shit anyway!

Hurt/Pain

I hurt so badly that I can't even think. It amazes me how someone can be so self centered and not even consider how another person feels. I couldn't even explain. It made my brain work even faster than normal, gave me a migrane...I had to sleep. I'm still mad, angry, & upset. But, most of all, I'm disappointed. I was reminded how expectation leads to disappointment. My bestest friend gave me what she thought was callous truth...I thought it was honest truth. Just because I removed myself from someone's life because it was unhealthy for me to be a part of my life and vice versa doesn't mean that they're ok with it. It doesn't mean that my "sister" won't try to stuff it down my throat, it doesn't mean that she'll have my back. And, clearly, it doesn't mean that they'll never pop back up and try to get under your skin.
My conclusion...I let it go, the first time, too easily. He's never seen me in rage. He actually had the audacity to say that he won't talk to me until I apologize to him. LMAO!!! DUDE...YOU contated me, I had already told you to delete my number and forget we ever met...I ALREADY SAID IT!!! But, if it's an apology from me that you are waiting on...then I promise to do it, just as soon as hell freezes over...and not a minute sooner! I hate that I had to say things that weren't 100% me, but that's what it took to get rid of him. His fault really...I was minding my own business and he popped up on my text. He claims to be happy...WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU CONTACTING ME IF YOU ARE SO DAMN HAPPY?!?! CONTINUE BEING HAPPY!!! I MADE NOOOO ATTEMPT TO CONTACT YOU, OR INTERFERE WITH YOUR HAPPINESS/LIFE!!! LEE-ME LONE!!!
As for her...I've known her too long. And, like my mother, just because we've been through shit together, doesn't mean we are bound for life. I didn't cause this, she did. I won't be "petty", but I'll remove myself from any situation that causes me pain and grief. I just never expected it from her...not this way, never this way!

Confirmation

I am in this thing ALONE! It was served to me from someone who is ill, like me, but I guess...screw family, friends, and anyone who means anything to me. If you don't let anyone in, and don't reveal who you really are, then the chances of you getting hurt are lower. Why invite someone in, and love them as family, if you're going to be alone anyway?

Meetup.com

I have been offered a wonderful opportunity! I am going to be the new organizer for the NYC Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder Group as of next week. If you would like to join...IT'S FREE...let me know via comment or email, and I'll give you all of the information. I'll keep the events posted on my blog as well as Meetup.com .

My Therapist

She's been pretty consistant with calling me each week to see if I'm going to make it in for my appointment. I've stood her up about 5 sessions in a row. Intentionaly and unintentionally. I want to go each week, but I can't. It's unexplainable to people that are unlike me. This week was different. She didn't call me, didn't leave a message or send me a text. I don't think she cares anymore. I actually give her props for sticking it out for as long as she did. depression has taken over, and I allowed it to. I didn't even put up a fight. She was very good for me, but I couldn't tell her what was real for me. Forty five minutes isn't enough time for me to get everything out, but it helped me get through from week to week, session to session. I'm going to fight this, and I'm going to go back into therapy...just need some time to get myself right.

When

I remember when I was first diagnosed. It was one of the happiest times of my life because I saw it as a means to end...and a new beginning. It meant that I was finally given a chance to be happy. I wanted to know how that felt. To be happy, and not cry all the time, and sleep my days away, or not sleep at all. It meant BALANCE. I went to my other blog, Being Processed , and began to cry...again. As I read through older posts I can see where my thought patterns were, how I allowed my thoughts to come to life, how that fog was lifted and I had clarity. This was when I was on meds, and in therapy twice a week. I miss that Amber. I miss her alot. I feel like I am being tortured, and I'm doing it to myself. But, as much as I hate to admitt it, I'm going to need help getting back on track. Can you help me? I really want to get better...but I know I can't do it alone...PLEASE HELP ME!

UNBELIEVABLE

No one who knows me would ever believe that I cry as much as I do. Or, even, that I had the ability to cry at all. It's going on 3AM, I am still awake, and I can't turn off the tears. I pray that one day I won't have to go through this, even if it is attached to my creativity. Again, thoughts are racing, feeling alone, unaccomplished, un-loved, frustrated, tired, headache from crying, in pain from depression...wishing that "it" would be over! I want a baby girl, but will settle for another puppy because I fear that I would pass the "brain cooties" to her. I'm broken, and no amount of "crazy" glue(pun intended) can hold me together. How is it even possible that I have any tears left to cry? Maybe I'll stop drinking water. You think that'll help?

Enjoy

I took a Ritalin today...and yes, now I am enjoying a glass of red wine. I've been thinking of having one for the last few days, and a few minutes ago I said to myself...WHAT THE HELL! I'm celebrating all of the wonderful thoughts in my head that do not directly link to suicide. There is still the thick fog, but crying at this moment is not an option. I am going to take my glass of wine, sit on the steps outside of my house, wrapped in scarves and my coat, and write. It may be cold, but it seems to be a beautiful Easter Sunday. Enjoy your day!

I Slept

I finally got some much needed sleep. I wish it didn't require me having to take meds in order to do so, but hey, you can't have everything. I fell asleep around 12am, and woke up close to 10am. Depending on my day today, I may just try it again. I do have some sleep to catch up on, why not start now?

Sleepy Time Amber

I popped the pill. I don't know what made me do it, but I did. Yup, that's the Lunesta butterfly over there. This means I WILL BE SLEEPING TONIGHT! I had a VERY bad day today. Now, I want nothing more than for it to be over with. So, off I go...I pray this works!

All Day Long

Need I say more?

Leave Me Be

Clearly there are alot of people who can't handle me. If that's the case, here's a recommendation...just leave me be.
No, I am not always going to be happy.
And, I most certainly will not be happy for the purpose of you.
No, I will not leave my house or my bedroom, just to make you happy, even if I have an appointment with you or anyone else.
No, I will not take my meds if I don't want to, just to make you happy.
No, I will not answer my phone, reply to a text message/emal, just to make you happy.
No, I will not greet you with a hug/kiss, if I don't want to be touched, just to make you happy.
No, I will not put you first,
I will not make you happy if I'm not happy.
If you can't handle me, then just leave me be!

My Latest

I sit in my bedroom, curled up in the corner, lights out, phone silenced, staring at the blinking light. Waiting and praying for someone to call, wanting him or anyone to be there for me. Awaiting that green blinking light to turn red. But it never does...now I sit in my bedroom, curled up in the corner, lights out, phone silenced, staring at the blinking light, crying hysterically. I'm alone, and will always be alone. Screw positivity...no it doesn't get any better. This is my life. This is what it will always be. Pondering if it's even worth it.

WHATEVER THIS IS.....I DON'T WANNA DO ANYMORE!

Rage

I had a little spazz out moment last night. An ex came by my house and was talking alot of mess that didn't make any fucking sense to an intelligent human.
Ok, I'm lying. It wasn't a little spazz out moment, it was more like friendly rage. Again, I'm off my meds, so there is no telling what part of the field I'm playing on at any given moment. However...I didn't put my fist in his mutha fuckin' eye, so, that has to count for something, right?
One day, I'll have to give you the highlights...when I'm not thinking of 2 million other things.

We've Never Actually Met

If you and I have ever been formally/informally introduced, then we've never met. Who you met was my 24 hour representative. The one that everyone, including family and friends, seems to think is so strong, friendly, energetic, & full of life. She's not sensitive, she's tough, together, unbreakable.

Me...I am BROKEN. Shattered in tiny pieces. The slightest glare, or if your voice raises to a certain octive will make me cry. The most un-prissy person in the world. The word together should never be used as an adjective to describe me.
I allow you to only meet my rep because I understand that you could never be able to grasp, in my entirety, who I am.

Will you ever meet me? Well, do you think you can handle it?

Backsliding

It's not getting better. I remember when I was happy, and I was doing better, but at the same time I was miserable. But at least I left the house. I didn't make it to any appointment that I had today, including visiting my best friend like I was supposed to. Seems all down hill at the moment.

Recommendation

It was recommended by an anonymous user that I try a website. I guess the person could feel my frustration..I don't know. Anyway, I don't know how many of you could use it, but I thought I'd share any knowledge that I possibly could.

MDjunction is a support network online. If your like me, and a few of my friends, you probably have issues leaving your room, no less your house. This is something that you can use to help you, while never leaving your bed. I'm not saying stay in bed, and don't shower, lol, I'm saying just in case your having "a day"...maybe this can help you.

Not Sure

I have no idea what is going on with me and my brain. I am so up and down, it's unbelieveable. The part that sucks most is that I don't really feel like I can talk to the people that I really want to talk to, and my closest friends seem to be doing better so I avoid putting the burden on them. Instead, I've been locking myself in my bedroom, silencing my ringer, not returning messages/emails, and crying myself to sleep. I'm still off my meds, and haven't been to therapy in what seems like forever. Although I have responsibilities and commitments, I can't seem to make myself do them, no less want to do them. My one outlet, my blogs, aren't even up to date as normal because I can't get my brain to slow down long enough to get it all out. As I sit here typing, I am crying because my brain is racing again. I really do need help, but where can I get it?

True To An Extent

Your Psyche is Blue

You are deeply emotional and very connected to everything (and everyone) around you. By simply understanding other people, you are able to help them heal and let go. While you are a very deep and thoughtful person, you do have a very silly, superficial side. When you are too blue: the weight of the world's problems hangs over you When you don't have enough blue: you lack perspective and understanding

What Color Is Your Psyche?