NOT TODAY

I haven't slept yet, and I'm probably not going to. I have a busy day ahead of me. Yesterday was my best friends birthday, and today we are celebrating with a huge party! All I can do is think about all of the things I have to take care of to make sure I'm prepared, and so I can make sure I'm available to help whenever and wherever needed.
So, today isn't a good day for me to go to the ER. I WILL NOT GO!!! NOT TODAY!!!
I don't think I've ever been more terrified of going than I am at this moment. As per previous blog posts, you are probably aware that I self-diagnos. If my symptoms really do match up with what I've researched...then...I'm even more sick than my mental state. Sad part is, I found more than one result when I did the research. If it's any one thing that matched up with my symptoms, I'm in trouble.
I want to cry in my man's arms and have him tell me I'll be ok. But, that'll never happen because he's never met the real me. He only knows my rep. So, if and when I tell him, it'll probably be in some passing joke format...Hey, guess what, remember when I said that I had this problem? Well, I was right..told you I should've been a doctor. We could be paid right now! I hate this...I'm out of the closet but under the covers.
I tell lame jokes to keep people from knowing that I'm hurt..but I am..and I'm scared. What if I am right? No one will be able to convince me I'll be alright. I won't ever be alright...I won't need my mental health, so screw meds.
I hate being alone! I hate not having someone strong to support me. I don't need someone to cry with me, I need someone to stop me from crying a river..or a big ass ocean!
I'll mute the tears and fears for a day, and resume on Thursday, where life as I know it will resume, and I'll be terrified once again to go to the ER.
At this point, I can use all the prayers available...