Still Up

Alot on my mind. I'm not nervous about my appointment in the morning. But, I really want to get everything out. I don't want to miss anything, but I know I will. So, I decided to list it all. From childhood all the way to present. So much has happened. As I start to recall everything, I believe that this is the first time that my life has been semi-quite. There has always been hate, abuse, and negativity in my personal space. One thing I can say...I've always wanted a child. Just one child! A girl. Due to a number of medical conditions, I am unable to have one. For once, I am relieved. I would hate to have brought a child into this world with unresolved issues of my own. I highly believe that alot of this was passed on from my mother from unresolved issues of her own. As I write, I'm seeing an aweful pattern, and that's not even a quarter of it all. I wonder when God will say, "she's had enough heartache". I wonder when someone will be put into my life that will want to make me smile. Not just when, I wonder IF anyone will be placed in my life for that purpose. Someone that will be able to show and give me happiness pass all of my life's chaos. I love him, but I can't see where he makes me complete...or even completely compliments me. Material things are nice, but I'm looking for a piece of mind. Will I ever be able to let all of this go? Has my life been permanently stained to the point where no amount of bleach can help? I keep telling everyone that it gets better, but does it really?