Another Late Night
Again, I'm up late. Can't fall asleep, but I am very aware of the time. I don't want to get rid of my illnesses, it's what makes me..ME! What I want is to find a way to manage, to stabilize my brain so that I can focus on any one thing...anything at all. I used to love to get my hair done, EVERY SATURDAY MORNING...it's been 3 weeks since I last got it done...I can't even make myself go to the salon. I need help, I need medication, I need support...I'm crying out for help and no one jears me. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I'd prefer no one feel sorry for me either. What I'd like is for someone to understand what I'm telling them, to understand my struggle. I'd like for anyone to willingly research my illness, like I did for others, and try to help me manage...give me suggestions other than"you just have to get up and do it" or "stop being lazy". If you knew me personally, you'd know that this isn't me. I don't want to continue this way. Oddly enough, even the mention of suicide doesn't make anyone move...so I'm not going to bother the threat. I know I could do it, but I won't, not yet, not now, because....well, I have no reason...but, I won't front like it hasn't been one of the many millions of thought's that's crossed my mind. I'm a fighter, but fighting has become very exhausting. I need a break from my mind...I'd like to remove it for a day, just so I can rest. Clearly, I can't do this without medication, but can I do it with? I watch movies about people with mental illness's, and read blogs about people like me trying to cope, and realize this is just another acting lesson. It's never enough...I'll always be looked at differently...special...by my family and friends. If I never learned how to put on a show, I'm sure they would have had me committed a long time ago. If they knew half of the things I thought of every minute of the day...I'd be put in restraints, and heavily sedated. I am due to see a therapist on Wednesday, and for the first time ever..I'm considering TELLING ALL... Do you think this will help me? Maybe I've been self destructing because I'm covering up the truth. I claim to be so open, but I'm still selective with info to certain people. Will they stick me in a padded room if I tell the truth? I guess we'll find out next week. Until then, tomorrow is the NAMI walk. My family is actually going with me...wish me luck...another act I must put on...I'll make sure to take a full days worth of meds before leaving the house so I can deal with them, and the large amount of people that is sure to be participating.
6 Other Thoughts:
Again, I'm here to help you! I have when back to your blog and took a quick look at it, I have find that you have: "ADD/ADHD, Depression, Anxiety & Panic Disorder, OCD, PCOS, Carpel/Torsal Tunnel Syndrome, Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Collapsed Tubes, & Anemia." I have BPD, depression, anxiety and panic attack disorder and also Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and anemia just like you. I know for a fact that your aren't manipulating people to get tjeir attention or trying to have anyone feel sorry for you. You are reaching out for someone to support you, to take care of you, to care for you like you would if you were ok. Did you see your doctor lately, or maybe be go to the hopistal. I'm sure they will at least start by giving you meds. You need some to make you numb for a while if that will help you. Maybe some meds to regulate your moods. Also it is a good idea to see a specialist about your illness. Tell allthat is the only way to get better. I've seens 3 for the past 20 years and it is only for the past 2 years that I've started being better, before I wasn't honest with them and most of all with me. You're family is going with you in the room with you. It would be best if you would see the therapist alone for the first app. Well that is my thought. We them in the room, there is a chance you will become afraid to talk and feel ashame...
For the past 2 years, I've done must of my work on my own, with books if you want I can send you a list of them.
Don't give up, you are now accepting that you are ill and that is the first step to recovery.
That's awesome that you're doing the NAMI walk. I understand what you mean about "you're just lazy" and such comments, too. People just can't understand until they've been there. It's really difficult to put it into words for people.
Wow, I can relate so much to what you're saying. Amazing. I know for me, that I only truly started getting proper help when I took the risk of 'baring all' to my therapists/doctors. It's really hard but so worth it. Wishing you strength and luck.... :)
girl you are never alone! text or call whenever you want to talk! how did the walk go btw?
It is hard. I have ADD, depression, anxiety attacks and OCD. I know, or more or less, feel the pain that you are going through. I was diagnose about 10 yrs ago and I've had my ups and downs. At times i've been taking or not taking meds. I can tell you that do what makes you comfortable. Get over of what people may think and concentrate on balancing yourself emotionally. Whenever, I'm feeling down I just feel like watching TV it's an escape from my reality. I tell my bf (when i used to live with my my mom I would tell her) that I needed to not be disturbed that I was feeling not up to it. Somtimes 3 days go by and I'm still functional at work but once I get home I just vegetate on the sofa. Makes me content and it's my way to cope with stuff.
I try to keep it under control though. If I've been in that state more than 4 days I try to push myself out of it by doing stuff I like (even if at that moment I don't wanna do them) Like walking my dogs at the dog park. My dogs are my kids and i don't want anything to happen to them so when I'm walking them it makes me pay attention to them and not concentrate so much on how i'm feeling. About anxiety, the last time i went to the doctor, he gave me some pills that are for extreme cases of anxiety attacks. Now that I don't go to the doctor cuz of insurance issues. I carry those pills in my purse and just take them whenever i think it's out of control. just by having them in my purse makes me feel better.
Find a comfortable place. I had some issues at work not too long ago and I was feeling like crap and about to have a major blow out. That day i didn't have my instant pill I think i left it in my other purse when I changed of purses. And I just kept telling myself
"it's gonna be over soon. you are gonna be home soon."
For me home it's my heaven, my safe place. Where I can calm down and where nobody is pressuring me. It wasn't easy to control myself and be like normal but I got through the day.
I hope these tips help you. It's a matter of finding what makes you comfortable, and knowing that it takes time...trust me I know :-)
Try and tell as much as you can. By sharing what is in your mind, it will help you deal with it and once a problem is out in the open, it never seems as big as it does when it creates shadows in your mind..
Minerva
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