Defective Merchandise
I had a conversation with one of my male best friends, and I became very emotional as we began to speak on the chances of me having a "real" relationship. He says that I intimidate most men, but when they find that I'm so open about my setbacks, men tend to back away. I often wonder why that is. I also wonder why anyone would be with someone who is defective merchandise. But, this is my take on it...Late last year, I decided that whoever I meet will get the "real" me upfront. No representatives...nothing fake...this is me, take it or leave it. I don't think that I come of too strong, although I could be wrong, but I feel it's necessary that one knows what they are dealing with up front, so they can make a decision whether or not they want to deal with my extra baggage. The fact will always be that if you decide to date me, the following is what I come with...
ADD/ADHD, Depression, Anxiety & Panic Disorder, OCD, PCOS, Carpel/Torsal Tunnel Syndrome, Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Collapsed Tubes, & Anemia...I think I covered it all, lol! No, I do not disclose all of this on the first date. In fact, many people may never know, unless of course they read this post. I try to gauge the person and their quality up front, and decide if this is something they are mature enough to handle. I only tell them what they need to know at first, which to me is my mental state, what I'm on meds for. I allow them to make the decision. The fact is, ultimately, I am the one who walks with all of this 24/7, however, when I flip out because you are late for an event that we are to attend, and I feel it's only fair you know the reason why my rage is what it is. I don't expect most people to want to be with me, but the last thing I want to do is get caught up in a relationship and then six months to a year later say...Oh, by the way...It's not fair to them, and it isn't fair to me. If I love that person already, I am at a severe risk of losing them and getting my heart broken. I'm not going to lie...with-holding information is a form of a lie...I need my spouse to be able to trust me, and I want to trust them. Don't waste my time & I won't waste yours.
So, yes, I have some...quirks...but I'm working them out. And, even with all of my defectiveness...I'm still a great woman...probably the most sane-insane person you will ever know.
3 Other Thoughts:
There's nothing wrong with disclosure. I think the reason why men and people period may shy away from you is that you view your "stuff" as baggage.
No one wants baggage no matter how great you are. Everyone has their own baggage, why take on more?
How are you disclosing?
Why are you even disclosing?
It should be on a need to know basis. If you approach it as "i'm defective, but please play with me anyway", that's how people will relate to you.
The way I present it via blog isn't the way I present it to anyone else, necessarily. I don't think I view it as baggage, I actually think of it as my gift. I love who I am...but, I wear everything on my sleeve. And, if your paying attention to me, I do alot of weird things that most haven't seen before. I'm open about it, and if they can't handle it, they're gonna miss out. But, when I'm alone, and crying, I feel defective...very defective.
i agree with butterfly, but i also want to add a little to that, as well.
i have this theory that there is a difference between acceptance and love.
love people through what you don't accept about them, and accept people for what you like about them.
most people parallel the two, which makes being open very hard. it was hard for me to find the right girl because I am so brutally honest. i'll tell you what i think before i think about what to tell you.
most girls think it's brutish and wrong, but to most outside of me, they can appreciate it.
i finally found a girl who can love me for who i am, accept me for what she likes.
so i want to encourage you to not give up, but do the same thing for those people you come in contact with.
but also this bit of info - don't go into a relationship making it about you.
how can you see the good in the other person if you're so hard pressed to focus on yourself?
take it easy.
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