Downwards Spiral

It hasn't gotten any better. If it isn't imperative for me to leave my oouse, or bedroom, I won't. This wasn't always me. Then again, maybe it was. I recall over the years, if I didn't have an event with my friends, family, or didn't have to go to work, I'd be locked in my bedroom....sleeping. Fro the last 12 years or so, I've slept my weekends away. Depression has alwayas taken the front seat when there was nothing for me to do. Now, there is a slight difference, I can't fall asleep unless I'm next to someone, or unless I take a pill. So, my days and nights are spent awake, in my dark bedroom, under my 2 blankets, with my eyes wide open. Sucks!!! It SUCKS BIG TIME!! Some may think that I'm allowing my illness to take over...outside looking in, that may be what you see. Inside looking out...SHUT THE HELL UP!!! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU SPEAK!!! Or, it's easy to say that when your not in my flip flops. One of my worst habits over the last who knows how many years is sitting in a room with nothing turned on, most times with the lights off...just sitting still. All of my ex's would think I weird for doing this...and you may think so also. I don't care, I have a reason for everything that is very valid FOR ME! My reasoning for this semi-odd behavior...It seems to my that the only thing I can really control is my body. My brain activity is like the speed of light...there is no ending, no switch to turn it off. Even at my most still, silent moments, my brain is still working in overdrive. When I'm ready to sleep....my brain isn't. This in itself triggers severe frustration, which in turn triggers a severe case of depression. My solution...I'm working over time, trying to get my hands on some meds so I can go back to work and take control of a part of my life once again. It's all about management. I'm working on it. I see where I may have may a wrong turn, that appeared to be the right turn.