A Little Update

I finally took my laptop to the "doctor"....the diagnosis wasn't a good one. I need a new hard drive, & since I didn't back up all of my applications, I would need to do a recovery on it. The cost, $900.00!
WHAT?!?
That's CRAZY in the truest sense of the word!!!
So, I left the "doctor", with a very depressed feeling, not knowing what my next move was. I decided to call all of my computer people to see what they had to say. The end result, I still don't have a computer, but, on the bright side...I can purchase a new hard drive for less than $200.00, & I have a few friends that might be able to do a recovery for me, but I'll have to work around their schedule. We'll see what happens. 'Til then, I'm gonna have to get used to blogging through my BlackBerry.

Not Having A Computer

I have to admit, relying on my laptop has been a HUGE mistake on my part! I thought it would NEVER die! Not that it's dead now, but it needs to go to the computer doctor for a check up.
Since it crashed, I've done much of NOTHING! As my bf would say..."The masterpiece of minimalism!" I haven't blogged, checked my email regularly, I haven't even been able to read anyone else's blog because you were all bookmarked on my laptop. This means I have no clue what a lot of your blog addresses are. It's times like these that I am thankful for blogrolling.

The Stress

Not knowing what I'm going to do next stresses me out. How bills are going to be paid, where are we going to live next week....the stress makes me not want to write/blog. It makes me not want to do the obvious thing and take my laptop into the city to be repaired. I'd feel better if I had my computer. At least then I could do work online.
Now with the economy going the way it's going, I find myself accepting positions for work that I normally would never consider. Work that makes me travel 2 hours out of the way for FUTURE money.
Which means, the money won't be available until a few months from now....but my real concern is what are we going to do until then!
My bf does his best to make me laugh & smile. While I do my best to encourage & convince him that the fat lady won't sing for us. Relationship wise, oddly enough, we are doing A LOT better. The respect factor & togetherness has come back...it's putting me in a much needed, calmer place.
Every church service I attend, Pastor reminds us that God will never give us more than we can bear. Sometimes he has to tear us down, to get rid of whatever is hindering us, to build us up again.
Well, I'm here to say, I'm torn down...we are torn down! But, I can't help but feel that we're going through all of this, together, for a reason.
Pastor says don't look to others for an explanation & a result. No one but God can give it to you.
After almost an entire year...my bf & I have come this far....& have stressed as a couple....THERE IS A REASON!
Other couples I know have gone through worse & have come out on top...they've even gotten married! They stuck out their issues, together, & made it through the storm.
This isn't a "Woe Is Me", as my bf would say, post. Rather, a post to try to get some of this crap circling around in my head, OUT!

Back "In Draft"

Just realized that I have 17 "Draft" posts...sup with that?!?

It doesn't help that my computer crashed. Actually, it's making EVERYTHING WORSE!
Why I'm so attached to my computer I really don't know. But, I missed it! It would make everything that is going on around me more bearable if I had it!

In HIDING!

I do this frequently!! I am currently in hiding. I don't want to be bothered with anyone or anything! Probably because of stress, I haven't gone back on my meds like I said I would, I have to move out of my parents asap, I have to go back to work, just took a leave of absence from schol so that I can go back to work, and to top it ALL off...MY LAPTOP CRASHED!!!
I feel like NOTHING!
I HAVE NOTHING!! SLOWLY SLIPPING INTO DEPRESSION...but, trying hard to fight it.
I'm really upset that I had to stop school to go back to work.
Trying to divise another plan, outside of my original plan, that would make sense to me, in my head, so I won't feel as bad.
I don't think that I'm upset, more like disappointed in myself.
Just had an anxiety attack, in the office I'm training in for my new job...I went to the bathroom & cried it out...but, apparently it's still all over my face. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!
Why does it seem like EVERYONE ELSE has it all together? I WANNA BE TOGETHER!

Anxiety Attacks

This week alone, I've had 4! I'm actually in the middle of one now. Large changes trigger it, HELL, small changes are triggering it now. Just popped 3 Xanax, hopefully it'll calm me down. I'm in front of family & don't want them to see, but I never did hide my emotions well.

Touching

I have recently noticed that I relate emotions directly to touching. So, for instance, if my bf doesn't touch me, I immediately think that there is something wrong, or that no matter how much it's said that he loves me, I don't believe it.
Maybe I've been deprived hugs as a child, I don't know. Touching can mean, holding my hand, my foot touching his as we sleep, or a kiss on the forhead, but if I'm not being touched, in some way, frequently, then I don't feel like you care.
Be honest with me...is this twisted?

Sad

I've eaten all the chocolate my stomach can take.
Could barely eat a complete meal.
Didn't bother attending school today.
I'm so incredibly sad, I just don't know what to do.
I'm crying as I'm writing this because there is nothing I can do but sit here and watch as what I tried so hard to build falls apart into, almost, invisible pieces.
I've asked everyone what I should do and the answer remains the same...there is nothing more I can do.
THANK GOD FOR MY PDOC APPOINTMENT TOMORROW...MAYBE SHE'LL BE ABLE TO GIVE ME AN ANSWER...

???

How is it possible that I've been able to start & complete two books since Monday, study, take, and pass my finals, but have not had the ability to write/blog???

I DON'T GET IT!

My Promise Project, Pt. 2

I have not forgotten about "My Promise Project".

MY PRESIDENT!!!

Blogroll

I noticed, I get a lot of emails, and even some comments posted, but for some reason I'm not getting alot of people "blogrolling" me.

We can help each other, leave me a comment, & I'll blogroll you....then, hopefully you can blogroll me!

Update on my latest events, and lack of meds within the next day or so.

THE RESULTS ARE IN...

I AM OK!!! NO CANCER HERE!!!
YAYYY ME!!

So, the biopsy concluded that the tumors were benign. I was so happy when I found out, all I could do was sleep!!! LOL! This past weekend had to be the most REAL sleep that I've had in the last 2 mths. The doctor's did notice, however, that the tumors are growing & multiplying. They want to remove them, so I have to go back on Friday to let them know when/if I want to do the procedure. The answer will than likely be no. I have a separate post to exlain why!

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOUR WELL WISHES & PRAYERS AS I AM POSITIVE BETWEEN GOD & ALL OF YOU, IT'S THE REASON MY RESULTS ARE WHAT THEY ARE!!!

LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

THANK YOU!

I just wanted to pause, and say THANK YOU for all of the extra hugs, I have 316...WOW! THAT'S ALOTTA HUGS!!! For all of the encouragement feedback via comments and emails, and even a few blog posts just for me. It means a lot that I have support, even from the Netherlands...which I think is wayyyy cool! LMBO!!!

My final test results come in on Friday, and we'll go from there!

I'll let you know the moment I know!

Grace & Peace

Amber Anique

Locking Up

I'm a little weirded out! A part of me, which I think is the better part of me, although very time consuming, is my OCD. Most people wouldn't agree with me, but I kind of like it. I assures me that everything is done, and I know this because it's in a pattern & I triple/quadruple check.

Which brings me to why I'm weirded out. Within the last 2 weeks, I didn't lock the front door twice! What's even more weird is that I distinctly remember locking the door. However, it's been proven that I didn't lock it because I was the only person going in & out. He stayed in those 2 days, and went nowhere near the door. He didn't get upset, or even fuss, he just let me know that I forgot to lock it.

Me on the other hand, I am very disturbed by this! HOW COULD I HAVE NOT LOCKED THE DOOR, BUT TRULY REMEMBER THAT I DID? Does this mean that my OCD is gone?

That's an aactual question, that I would like you all to help me answer. Please feel free to comment on this post as I am very upset by this!

Who Am I?!

Been having trouble figuring out my identity, who I am.
Me with meds, me without, me with him, me without him, me with my family, me without my family.
WHO AM I, REALLY?
Or maybe it should be, what am I?
Either way, I HAVE NO CLUE!
Which ever way it is, I've noticed that when other people are "involved" in my life, I'm another person. I instantly stop taking care of myself, & start taking care of them! I am no longer PRIORITY! What's up with that?
My family has been telling me this for the past couple of years, and I honestly haven't noticed it until recently, when all of my health issues became serious.
Should I just hibernate somewhere, where no one can find me?
Maybe I'll move to a small town in Alaska. Hmmmm, that's a thought.

Handle With Care

Over the last couple of days I have gone through HUGE emotional changes. Oddly enough, my ex has been the one there for me, physically. I spent the last 2 days with him, and it was really what I needed & wanted.

I didn't want to discuss being sick. I was tired of talking about it. Every time it came to mind, I'd start crying, and once the waterworks started, it was hard to turn off. I'm in fear! Talking about it doesn't help!!

He looked at me, asked what I was thinking, I said "nothing, I'm ok"...he says to me, "You're lying"...I just stared at him, and nothing else had to be said.
He knew I was afraid, no, he knew I was TERRIFIED! And so, we slept the day away, with him holding me the entire time. No TV, NO QUESTIONS, NO "LET'S TALK ABOUT IT"....

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, IT MADE ME HAPPY! For one entire day, I was able to relax!

Night Time Meds

I spend my nights in constant fear, crying myself to sleep. If I don't take the meds, I don't fall asleep. Now, it's worse!
I have to go in for testing tomorrow...have you ever been so scared, you can feel the fear in your heart? IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!
I JUST WANT TO SLEEP...MAYBE EVEN BE A LITTLE "NORMAL".
I didn't bring any of my meds with me tonight, I have no clue what I was thinking, or if I was thinking.
I walk around with a face, as to say "everything is ok", but it's not! I've informed family & friends as if it's not a big deal...but it really is. I'M TERRIFIED!!!
I don't want to scare them...so, I put the face on. But, it doesn't help me AT ALL!!
WHY ME?!?
I can tell you one thing, if I had my fucking meds with me, I'd be sleeping & not thinking of my fear, & not crying myself to sleep right now.

WHAT NOW?!?!

If nothing else, I can honestly say that my life has been an interesting one.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital to get the results of my tests from Monday, only to find out that I have 2 malignant tumors & 1 benign tumor in my breast.

I think it's fair to say, at this point, that I can't catch a break!!!

I told my stepfather about it, and he was, of course, at a loss for words. He did tell me, like everyone else I had to notify, that "we'll get through this". WHO THE HELL IS "WE"?!?

I have to "get through this"....just as I had to get the results BY MYSELF!!!

I understand what everyone is trying to tell me, but, all of this is happening to ME, not WE!!!

Told my parents, in NYC, when they got home. My father hasn't spoken to me since, my stepmother doesn't know what to say.
Spoke to my mother, who lives in Vegas, she sounded upset & had to get off the phone.

My "support", or the "We" in this has completely shut down. IT'S JUST ME!!

I have breast cancer & I'm mentally ill...not thinking that this is a GREAT combo!

I wonder.....how is one supposed to react when they find out someone they love has cancer?
Do you think they should be informed at all?

Gaining Weight

As of last Thursday, the end of my relationship, I weighed 117lbs. I don't know how, or when, it happened, but, it did. I didn't even realize it until my parents pointed it out to me. I'm thinking it was stress. My parents could read my body, and my face, that I wasn't happy, but, I couldn't see it. Or, maybe, I didn't want to see it.
Either way, I'm not there anymore. I'm staying with my parents for the next couple of weeks, and then, I am moving back to Atlanta! YAYYY!!!! At first, I wasn't so sure that it was the right move for me, but now, as the days go by, I can honestly say that it's for the best. New Yourk City is not the place for the mentally ill. Not to say that Georgia is the best place to be...but, it sure as hell tops NYC.

I digress...The title of this post is "Gaining Weight" because as I said before, as of Thursday of last week, I was down to 117lbs.
I am please to let you all know that I have gained 3lbs since then. I'M UP TO 120LBS!!! THAT'S HUGE!!! I'm working on putting on a max of 10 additional pounds. I know that being south with my family will definately put it on...hopefully in the butt region, lmbo!!!

Later!

My Promise Project

The early & untimely depature of our Dear Friend Dobro, has put me in deep thought.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I was scared. Scared for Me, Butterfly, Dobro, & ALL OF YOU trying to manage life with a mental illness.
I was in shock when I was informed of Dobro's death...and then, I cried. I cried HARD! Why?! Because, it could have been me. It still can be. It could've been YOU!
There is never a way to tell what is really going on with any one person. We all with hold information from friends, loved one's, doctor's, and even our blogger family with fear of being judged. The frustration of it all, and keeping it bottled up makes a person do irrational things, but, it seems rational to that person at that time.

This is "My Promise Project"....
I am an advocate for Mental Illness! I will create awareness...I will also document it. The world needs to know, and I am going to create a way to be the voice! Not just for Autism, but for MENTAL ILLNESS AS A WHOLE!!!

Assistance Please...

I can't do this alone. I am smart enough to know that I can't take on the world, by myself, and win. HELP ME HELP YOU AND OUR LOVED ONES!!!

THIS IS SERIOUS!!!

I just received a text message from my BFF, she was telling me that a fellow blogger, Dobro, committed suicide on the 8th of this month.

While we are waiting on 100% confirmation, it appears that it may be true!!

There are A LOT of people who take Mental Illness VERY lightly. Mental illness is a serious issue in the world! Not just America, but, the ENTIRE WORLD!

To act as if it doesn't exist, speaks very poorly on the human race as a whole!!

Moving Back to Atlanta

It's been settled....

I am moving back to Atlanta.

Long story VERY SHORT!
We broke up, I'm sick, my family thinks I'll be better off in the South, I'm moving in less than 2wks.
I could get more detailed, but who really cares?

Update

Not so good over here...but, it may start looking up!

God is good!! And, I'm sure that there is a reason why I am going through all of this mess. What the reason is, I don't know. But, THERE IS A REASON!!!

I'll update you when I get home this evening.

More Faith

Well, I was sinking, THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS & FAMILY!!!!
Honestly, my faith was waivering...OH BOY!!!
But, then I thought to seek knowledge from 2 of my best friends, who also happen to be spiritual. While they both gave me scriptures from the Bible to read...one sent me the following via email........

You Shall Not Die, But Live!

It’s a wonderful day to be a child of God. My brother, my sister, as I was driving to church yesterday I began to think about my life and how faithful God has been to me. Even when I was knowingly doing wrong, the Lord was still faithful. When I was plotting and planning to do ungodly things, He still kept watch over me. There were times when things appeared out-of-control. Money was low, friends were few, life seemed meaningless. I remember contemplating suicide because I thought it was an easy way out. Do you realize satan is cunning? he is good at making you feel worthless. I can recall times when I made up my mind to end it all. Truthfully speaking, everytime I tried God would intervene. He would never allow me to do harm to myself.
Today, I have been commissioned to come and minister to you. I know how it feels to wonder if anyone really cares about you. I know how it feels to question the loyalty of family and friends. I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep at night, only to wake up the next morning still crying. I know how it feels to walk the floors wondering if or when God would show up. I can relate to what you are going through. BUT, I also know even if God shows up at the last minute, He is still on time. Could it be possible that you are giving up too soon? Could it be possible that your clock is set to a different time than God’s? The Bible declares in Psalms 37:25 - I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. My friend, You Shall Not Die, But Live!
Beloved, now is not the time for you to give up on the Lord. He is able to come see about you. Just because He has not shown up when you thought He should have, does not mean He will not show up. During this season, your faith needs to be stable. The enemy desires to do anything, use anyone, and say whatever it takes to destroy you. Today, I declare and decree in the name of Jesus that You Shall Not Die, But Live! Child of God, I speak life into your spirit. According to Mark 11:23 - For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
Scripture Reading for Today: Read God’s Résumé
(He can handle whatever you experience)

I LOVE YOU SHAWNTE FOR SENDING THIS TO ME!!! AS ALWAYS, HE, & YOU WERE RIGHT ON TIME!!!

A Move to Be Made

I just spent all morning on the phone with my family.

It looks like within the next couple of months, I may be moving. I'll keep you all posted as to what's going on....maybe this will help me!!

I GIVE UP!!!

Fear is overwhelming....I must say, I'm not taking this too well!!!
Every chance I get I'm crying. In between crying, I'm staring off into space...not really looking at anything...just thinking "why me?!?".
I don't think that anyone REALLY GETS IT!
ONCE AGAIN....I'M ALL ALONE!!!
I found myself not wanting to wake up the other night, so, I took 7 Xanax....CLEARLY THAT DIDN'T WORK!!!

Don't misunderstand me, as weird as this may sound, I wasn't trying to commit suicide...I just didn't want to wake up.
I'm TIRED of the meds, tired of the doctor ALWAYS GIVING ME BAD NEWS, tired of the pain & the fear, thru with having to explain it all!!!

I know that I don't know the results yet, but I'm tired of having to go through all of this! You know, no one in my immediate family gets anything but a cold....& they rarely get that. IT'S ALWAYS ME!!!
I love my family, & I don't wish ANY OF THIS ON THEM....but, I do wish that I didn't have to take this on myself.

Did I do something wrong to deserve this?? If so, I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE!!!

Hospital Visit..Again

It seems like there is always something wrong with me. Now, I have a few masses in my breast. One of them was found 2 months ago, & the doctor told me that it wasn't a big deal, that we were just going to watch it. Ok, cool!!

A month later, I get another 2, that I found myself..AND THEY HURT LIKE HELL!!!

Since I still have health insurance until Monday, my bf made me go have them checked out. We went to the ER...I HATE IT THERE!!!
Only to find out that I have extra masses in my breast, and now I have to go back to the Breast Clinic to have a needle biopsy done on the bastards.

I'M DEPRESSED!!! I HATE THE WAY I FEEL, EVEN MORE, I HATE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS ALONE!!! Bf can't understand why I'm so upset & scared, and I'm too upset & scared to even bother trying to explain. After everything that he's seen me go through, why doesn't he just know???

I Find Myself...

* Questioning what I know to be true..
* Frowning frequently..
* Going out of my way to help people, who would never help me...
* Staring at nothing, ALOT...
* Missing him...
* Racing against time...
* Not being able to explain much of anything because it's all stuck in my head...
* Not wanting to die, but, praying for another life...
* Wondering, how other people "seem" to have it so easy, as I struggle...
* Wanting to reach out for help, but, there is no one, physically, there...
* Feeling like I need MORE, and wondering why I don't have it...
* Praying for a funny joke, just so I can remember how it felt to smile again....

Fighting For My Rights

For the most part, if I ever leave a job, I try to leave quietly...without any sort of uproar or comotion. In all the years, and all of the jobs I've had, all of my attempts have failed.

Why do people feel the need to shit on your name is beyond me!!!

This time, they are not going to get away with what they did. Honestly, if they would have written the separation notice correctly, I would have signed it and walked away. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

They just had to lie on me!!! Why lie? Why? Because they think I'm a nice, sweet, stupid ass person that doesn't understand what the hell just happened here!!! Unfortunately for them, they didn't realize that I'm not dumb, I just dumbed down for the position. It was a brainless job, that offered me a steady paycheck each week. It was also convenient for school, only 3 blocks away.

But, as the days go on, the more pissed of I get thinking about how I was treated. I'm a cool person...just give me my work and a corner & leave me alone....

I hate being put in this position! NOW I MUST FIGHT!!! FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!

When I'm Racey

I like to write - blog.
There is never a specific topic, just something to say that I'm able to focus on something...ANYTHING!
Right now is one of those times. I lost my job the other day, and while it doesn't surprise me in the least bit, their reasoning for letting me go is appalling!!! They're basically claiming that I'm a damn thief!!

I AM NOT!!!

They said that I falsified a listing, which is not true, in order to increase my pay. FIRST...EVEN IF I DID FALSIFY THE LISTING, IT WOULDN'T HAVE CHANGED SHIT ON MY PAY!!! THE BONUS STRUCTURE WAS SET UP IN A WAY THAT I WOULD HAVE TO HAD DONE THAT 50 TIMES IN ORDER FOR IT TO HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL!! SECOND...I HAD PROOF THAT IT WASN'T FALSE...HAD BEING THE KEY WORD...THEY TOSSED ALL OF MY PAPERWORK THAT I HAD ON TOP OF MY DESK. FUCKING LIARS!!

Now, I'm back at home trying to focus on school & studying & I'm so pissed that my mind won't slow down. Everything that I've studied over the past 3 days has left my brain...THIS SUX!!!!

Better Days

So, I'm in school now, and it's hard, but, I'm enjoying it!!
But, yesterday, I got fired!!!
Yup, Me!
Not upset because I was expecting it, later rather than sooner, but expecting it nonetheless!
I've been preparing for it...interviewing & stuff. But, that job was a simple, brainless job, that was MEGA CONVENIENT FOR SCHOOL!!
What now? Not completely sure. Bf wants me to not work & focus on school...but, I know that's not gonna happen.
I'm looking back into Fit Modeling. Now I have the time to look around. I just hate being in a situation that I can't control!!
I'm working hard on not being depressed...bf is watching me. Yesterday, after I found out, he spent the rest of the day trying to make me laugh, and joking with me. It worked yesterday...but, today, it may not work. I'm silent and that worries him!!!

New & Not So New

I've been sheltering myself, so there isn't a whole lot going on at the moment.

I'm still working, although I am on 90 day probation. LOL!! It's funny, but not. I can't seem to make it in to work on time. My thoughts...if I ALWAYS have my work done quickly, efficiently, and wayyyy before the day is over, WHY MESS WITH ME!?!?
Apparently, they fail to realize who I am. So, after being written up several times, they finally found onE that would make me put in the extra effort to make it in before/by 9am.
The latest one said that for each time I'm late, within the next 90 days, they are going to dock me $50.00. WHAT!?!?

Ok, searching for a new method to get to work, because the old one seems to get me in trouble all the time.

So, now, I'm paying a little bit extra money to take the express train into the city, just to assure myself that I make it to work on time.

If they just allowed me to come in at 10am instead of 9am, everyone would have been happy. But, since it's not my company, I guess I have no say. OH WELL!!!

The Most Scared EVER!

I think one of the things that scare me the most is my weight loss. I weigh 122lbs & wear a size zero.
It's both scarey & frustrating. I can't fit anything that I own. Everything is falling off of my ass. Thank God I can play it off with the hundreds of pairs of shoes that I own, but still. I have spent alot of money on my clothing, only for me to go through a good portion of my clothes & find that it appears as if most of my clothing is a size 8.

I guess I could use this as an excuse to go shopping...Yes?

How I'm Doing

Not good....

Considering going off of medication. I don't want to be this way forever!!! I can't tell if I was happier off of meds than on. But, I know it was different. I had more energy, I was always on time, I smiled alot..even when I wasn't completely happy.
I didn't sleep alot, but I know when I did, finally, fall asleep, I was rested.

Lately, I haven't even been able to complete a complete thought, which is why I haven't been able to blog.

I just had something that I really wanted to say...but, I forgot what it was...so, I'll be back when I remember.

I Love Them Both

There is no room to question my love of my boyfriend or his son!! I LOVE THEM BOTH!!!
BUT, WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! WHAT ABOUT MY HAPPINESS?!?!? WHO'S LOOKING OUT FOR ME?!?!

It Wasn't An Impulse

It's something that I know I need to do for me to get where I want to be.
Today, I went and re-enrolled for school.
Here's my thought....I work down the street from my job. Why can't I leave a few minutes early for school?
My biggest concern is my meds....& how this SEVERE schedule & life change will affect me. This is something that I NEED TO COMPLETE!
I've never really completed anything...I do have a little bit of a support system now, but I know I can't count on them ALL OF THE TIME!
This is a CHANCE that I'm taking....
WISH ME LUCK!!!

The Results Are In....

I officially weight...120lbs.

I don't know how I did it!
I promise you, it wasn't on purpose!!!
I make extra effort to only eat junk!!!
My pdoc said that maybe I should start thinking about changing my meds. She said that it's the Concerta that is making me lose so much weight. While I know this is true, I REFUSE TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE!!! I REFUSE TO STOP TAKING WHAT WORKS FOR ME, AND BE USED A FREAKING TEST DUMMY, AGAIN!!!!

SO...what now?!

I don't know...but, Concerta works...THIS I DO KNOW!!!

WHAT AM I DOING?!?

I DUNNO!!!

I haven't been to the pdoc in a month. Yeah, I know, I should have gone. But, I really didn't feel like going. I'm just not in the mood to discuss all f the things that are going wrong. I don't feel like having someone MAKE me face the realities that is my life. I'd just rather deal with them when I'm ready. When will I be ready? Who knows! But, I know I need to come up with a good excuse by Monday. I have to see the pdoc & tdoc on Monday in order to re-up my meds....SHUCKS....

The scariest part for me, I think, is the weigh in...I know I've lost a lot of weight, but I'll find out the actual number at the docs office. The last time I weighed myself, I was 125lbs, in a size 4....well...I'm a bit smaller than that now.
OK, "a bit" i an understatement...I don't know how much I weigh, but I do know my size is between 0 & 1.... :-0


Is that REALLY BAD?!?

My weight loss is noticeable, however, family, friends, co-workers, and my "bf" claim that I don't look sick...just very small.

I'll post pics, before & after soon...and you can tell me.

Overwhelmed

This is what I do!!
When things aren't going well in my life, I consume myself with work.

Hi! My name is Amber Anique, and I am a Work-a-holic!!!
Sometimes it works to my benefit, like I am able to occupy my free time at work doing actual work...and, prior to my 3 month anniversary, I received a raise...YAYYYY ME!!!

I'll have to let you know in a bit how this is not a positive thing!

Feeling....Hmmm....

Not good or bad at the moment. I guess that's a small upside to my extremities.
Right now I am focusing on me. Apparently, according to my family and friends, it's something I've never done before. Odd, because I thought I did all of the time.
I am no longer in a relationship, which, as of now, I think it may be a good thing.
We broke up on Friday, and so far, I seem to be taking it very well. I guess it helps that I am swamped with work.
I miss him & the baby SO MUCH.
When I wake up, I find myself trying to figure out where I am, and why that alarm is going off. After 20 minutes of trying to adjust, I realize, I don't live with him, he's not next to me the wall is, I won't lean over him and kiss him goodbye as I'm walking out the door to go to work. When I get off from work, I won't go back to "our" apartment...rather, I'll be going to my room in my parents house.
I love him, and I always will...I guess this was just the wrong time for "us".

I'm sad & heartbroke....but, I'll be ok....IT'S "ME" TIME!! LOOK OUT WORLD!!!

Allergy Meds That Can Lead to Suicide?!?!

So, depression has been getting the better of me, despite the fact that everything seems to be getting better.
It's like having another job...on top of being a girlfriend, a "step-mother", a sister, a daughter, and making an attempt to take care of self....I'M EXHAUSTED!!!! WHEW!!! LMBO!!!

Anyway, in my best efforts, I've been keeping up with my blogger family, only to come across Marissa's post on Singulair.
VERY DISTURBING!!!
I've been taking Singulair for the past few years due to an annoying stress cough. After reading this post, I decided to come off of it for a little while and see what happens. What I do remember is when I wrote the post, Suicidal Thoughts, I had taken 2 pills just before I started having those feelings...Connection?!?! I don't know, but, it's worth researching!!! I'll keep you updated, as I continue to cough.

Suicidal Thought

I had one the other night, more specifically, I had it on Saturday.

I try to stay in good spirits, but it's hard when the person around you is constantly miserable.
I understand where it's coming from, but, at the time, I didn't see how it was affecting me, until that thought came about.

As we laid in bed, him in a DEEP sleep, and me, just watching him sleep, it happened...
If I took some extra pills, I could go peacefully....
I would give my life so that he wouldn't have to feel anymore pain, sorrow, or sadness....
I could do it, and he would be better...then everything could go back to normal for him....

As silly as it may seem...this is really what I was thinking. That's where I was that night. It was all I could think about...but, I didn't do it.

Why?!?!

Because, first, why am I putting more value on his life than my own?
Then, I thought, the only one I sould be sacrificing my life for is God.
After, I thought about my family....How would they feel about it?
Finally....would that make him happy/better...or would it further depress him as I took my life for him, and beside him, and there was nothing he could do about it....It would have been his fault.

I'm ok now, I even seperated my emotion from his, which was hard.
But, now, how will this effect the relationship? Is this another Season?
God, please help me.....

Insurance

In about a month, I will have medical insurance.
Normally, I'd be excited, but I just found out more detail about our companies coverage, IT SUCKS!!!
I'm going to be paying $200/mth, and my OBGYN isn't listed with them.
So, that means I'll have to search for another one?!?! WHAT?!?!
I love all of my doctors, and have been with them forever. To search for a new one is shear torture!!!
The only good thing about me having the coverage is that when I get it, I'll be able to get more Singular for my annoying stress cough. Yup, it's back. And, honestly, this time, I think I'm doing it to myself...errrr, maybe I did it to myself all of the other times also....but, why blame myself if I don't have to? LOL!!!
Anyway, other than that my life is pretty still, THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!
I'm HEAVY in prayer for my other ailments....but everything is seemingly A. O. K. That works for me at the moment.

I am having some anxiety and impulsive thoughts/feelings...but, have worked extra hard not to act on them.
I'm trying!!!

Work

I left work early, again, today. I have a problem with sitting there and having nothing to do. It's such a waste of time, & life. It frustrates me to the point I feel like I'm going crazy.
I realize that a major part of it has to do with my inability to pace myself, but geezzzzz!!!!
Can I get some work over this-a-way.
I am a work-a-holic, which means you need to pile things up for me to do, I really don't mind!
This past Wednesday I had to cover someone else's territory & take care of my own....it was the most fun I had since I've been there! Give me more days like that!
I get to work at 9am, and generally have completed my work by, or before, 12pm.
If they don't have anything else for me to do, why can't I leave early? What am I staying for?!

Get Punched in the EYE!!!!

I REALLY DO LIKE MY JOB....I USED TO THINK IS WHAT THE BEST JOB OUT THERE, FOR ME, AT THE MOMENT. NOW...I FEEL OTHERWISE.

Ok, so maybe I'm going a bit over the top, but hear me out first.....

A bit of background info.....

I work in a small office in the city for an online, no fee, apartment listing company. My job is to update listings...basically, I make sure that the apartments are still vacant. So, I call & send out a ton of emails daily.
When an owner/company doesn't respond within 10 days, I remove them from our site, and set them up to be recalled 4 days later.
I don't do the recalls....someone else has that job.

That said person, has a quota to meet...their job is to contact the owners/companies and put them back into our database.

Here's what happened....

I removed a company from our database, who apparently has caller ID, because I couldn't get in touch with them. This company had around 27 aparments listed with us....it's kind of a large number.
Anyway, since the number was so large, my manager had me continue calling from other phones, and blocking the incoming number until they answered. I, of course, said fuck 'em...pardon the language.
Finally, around 3 or 4 days later, someone answered the phone. I made it very clear that I would not repost their information to our site if I can't have their cooperation. The lady agreed, and gave me her personal info so I could reach her and get the updates that I need.
I went into our database, and one by one, started reposting....not alot of work, but it's very time consuming.
After reposting, I continued about my day.

Toward the end of the day, I received a call from a very annoying customer, I'm not the only one who feels this way. He wanted information on apartments, which isn't an issue, but he calls everyday and then gets annoyed if I am busy and need to call him back. Meanwhile...he hasn't paid for the service, we're doing this strictly off of GP.
My manager told me to give him some listings from the comapany that I just reposted. He said let him be their headache since they gave us a headache.
I go into our database and what do I see?!??!

DUDE, that has the job of reposting, WENT INTO THE SYSTEM, ERASED MY NAME, AND ENTERED HIS.
THEN, HE HAD THE NERVE TO HAND IT INTO THE MANAGER TO GET CREDIT FOR IT.

WHAT?!?!? AWWWWW CRAPPPPP....WE 'BOUT 2 HAVE A FIGHT!!!!!

I confronted him, in front of my manager, and asked him what was going on with that particular account.
He says...."Oh, yeah, I just went in and put my name on some of them."

DUDE MUST HAVE BUMPED HIS FREAKIN' HEAD!!!!

I looked at my manager, and I think I must have turned 3 shades lighter....I was about to flip out!!!

Keep in mind, this company holds no monetary value for him or I. However, we are required to be at a certain percentage each day. And, it's the principal of the whole thing....THERE ARE PRINCIPALITIES IN THIS!!!! LMBO!!!

My view....

HE STOLE FROM ME, HE TOOK CREDIT FOR WORK THAT I DID....HE MUST BE FIRED...OR I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PUNCH HIM IN THE EYE & GIVE HIM A FAT LIP!!!
My boss made me calm down and said he'd take care of it. He knew how the account was gotten back, and he would correct it....BUT DUDE IS STILL WORKING HERE!!!!!

If his theiving tail isn't gone by the end of this week....I'm gonna use his hair to dust the floor!!!! WORD!!!

A Little on the Busy Side

Just a little...not alot!
I'm still actively taking meds & going to therapy once a week. I'm doing alot better, and I actual enjoy my job!!!!
I don't make a ton of money...but, it's decent pay, and I don't think about it when I go home. I leave work at work....so, I'm able to keep my sanity, go home to my love and just focus on us.
This is the first time I've ever been able to do this, and it is an incredible feeling.
I still have my "moments", which I will go into later, however, I they have been few and far between.

This is my HAPPY POST!!! :-)

Thanks Daddy-s!!!

I have two father's.....and, today, I just have to say thank you to both of them!

I couldn't have asked for a better support system today. I didn't know what to do. All I could do is shed tears of frustration.
Through all of this, they were able to hear me....and, really, for once, I was able to HEAR them!

I spent all of this morning popping Xanax, to no avail. What I was seeking was that calm that allows you to think, and feel, rationally. It didn't happen. I think I started taking them after my anxiety attack was already in full gear...stupid!!!

My Daddy in NYC, held me, as I cried, asked what was wrong, and assured me that everything was going to be ok.
My Daddy in South Carolina called me and reminded me of who was important, and that I had to take care of me first.
That's something I often forget.
They both told me that I will have their full support no matter what my final decision is. I knew that already....but, sometimes, it feels better for it to be confirmed.

They don't read my blogs....but, I had to let you all know how grateful & lucky I am to have 2 of the BEST FATHER'S IN THE WORLD!!!

I'm An Extremist

There is no gray area with me....it's either Right or Left...Up or Down...Black or White....THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN!!!

Which means that the end result for me, for some, may not be the most rational. But, to me, it makes COMPLETE SENSE!!

This morning, I packed up and moved out.
Why?!
Because he didn't get home until 8am....
Where was he?
Somewhere gambling....

The problem isn't completely what he did....but more of the fact that he didn't call me. For me to know that he was ok...or to ask if I was ok.

So...after many calls, one voice message, several texts, and calling several local hospitals....I packed up & left!!
I didn't want to hear an explaination...to me, THERE IS NONE!!!

I'M TIRED OF BEING NICE & NOT BEING APPRECIATED!!!! SCREW SUGARCOATING!!!!! LET'S BE REAL!!!!!!

TINA TURNER DUDE!!!!

I'm not saying it's completely over....we talked after my rage allowed him to speak.
What I am saying is that certain things aren't working, & in order for me to continue in this relationship the things that aren't working need to be fixed...or that's it for me!!!

As I Sit Drinking A Pepsi

I'm going to regret it later....BUT BOY DOES IT FEEL GOOD GOING DOWN!!!
Yup, I'm still doing things I know I shouldn't....but, I'm also doing what I'm supposed to....does that balance things out?

HELLO!!!

I know, I'm slacking, for real!!!
I don't have any excuses....other than the fact that I'm doing ok.
I'm am the extremist!!!
It's either one extreme or the other. I'm either blogging all the time, or not at all. I'm trying to find a balance, but this has always been difficult for me. Now that I'm working again, it's the same "workaholic" mentality that everyone knows and loves, lol....SARCASIM, OF COURSE!
The good thing about my job is I don't, and can't, take my work home with me. So, no more sleeping with Profit & Loss Statements for me. I only sleep with my boyfriend :-)
THAT'S A VERY GOOD THING!!!
For the most part, I am very happy. I'm a little more stable, probably because I make sure I take my meds, EVERYDAY!

I do have a few things to update you on, and since it's such a sloppy day out, I think we'll be staying in tonight, so, I should be able to get in a few posts.

Hang tight for a sec......

Went to visit my GYN

Was time for a check up. I'm so glad I did!!
I LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!
Even though I had to pay the expense out of pocket, it was well worth the feeling of comfort & acceptance!!

I haven't gone to see him since October of '06....& with my white blood count being such a major for my pdoc & tdoc, I figured I'd get an opinion I'd trust. Of course since I haven't seen him since I've been completely on meds, I had to give him a run down of the what's & why's.

His response - Amber, I'm so proud of you!

I gave him a "thank you, but why expression"...I always need to know why, lol!!!
He said that he is proud that I decided to find out, from a professional, why I felt the way I felt, & what could be done about it. He went on to give me the statistics, of which I already know, and said that he is proud of the choice that I made.
He then went on to ask me when/how I knew something was wrong. I gave him my history. And, he said...JOB WELL DONE!!!

THIS IS THE TYPE OF ACCEPTANCE THAT WE ALL LOVE!!! JUST KNOWING THAT SOMEONE, BESIDES OURSELVES, BELIEVES IN US & IS PROUD, MAKES US STRIVE TO DO BETTER!!!

Up To Date & Amazed

I am finally caught up with everyone else's blog. It took some time, but I did it! YAYYYY ME!!!

One of my favorite blogs gave me some very interesting news...in light of Superbowl Season...Herschel Walker is releasing a tell all book called "Breaking Free", that will chronicle his life with Multiple Personality Disorder(MPD).
It seems as if no one in his immediate circle had a clue...which doesn't say a whole lot to me because I know first hand about how people with mental illnesses can hid it.
In my opinion, having a man of his stature write a book about his true SELF is a HUGE STEP in the right direction.

Hospital Visit

I know I have discussed this before...my White Blood Cell Count (WBC's) is wayyyyy low. My doctor has been beating me in my head, every visit, that I need to go to the hospital to have my blood work redone.
I finally did it! YAY ME? I'M A BIG GIRL? MAYBE....
I arrive at the hospital at 9:30am, and they toss me from department to department not knowing what I need done, despite the fact that I clearly explained what I need done. Apparently the referral that I received was not one that the hospital that they sent me to accepts. So, I decided not to flip out, instead, I promptly got my pdoc on the phone and had them speak with her on the phone. I took my meds that morning, so I was able to remain calm...for a while at least.
The end result, since I was only being sent there to have blood work done, they decided to send me to the Emergency Room. It wasn't that crowded, so I decided to stay. I had no real plans for the day, so I thought that it would be cool.
Oh how wrong I was!!! Apparently, they were so concerned about me that they gave me a bed, put me on IV, oxygen, the heart monitor, and the pulse monitor.
GEEZZZZ!!!! I just came over to drop off some blood!
Then, they tell me that they might have to admit me. WHY??!!! I DUNNO!!! From what I get from the doctor's WBC's are very important. Why, I don't know...and, they won't tell me why. But, they made it out to be a big deal. I still don't get it.
I was there until 4:30pm, until they decided to tell me that it was ok for me to go home.
BUT, MY WBC'S ARE STILL LOW!
The lowest they should be, according to the report is 4.5....mine's is still 2.8....and there is nothing I can do to fix it.
My thoughts, if they didn't admit me...it can't be that bad, RIGHT?!?!

HELLLOOOO!!!!

I know it's been a hot minute. I'd give you an excuse, but I don't have one, and besides...I think you know me well enough to see through my bullshit, lol. Truth is, I haven't had access to the internet like I usually do, and I haven't gone out to search for a connection. How lazy is that? I know it had nothing to do with my illness, I was just comfortable with resting. I went through all of your blogs yesterday and found that everyone is doing rather well for the most part. I AM VERY HAPPY TO KNOW THAT! Me, I'm doing very well, staying on my meds, with some assistance, going to therapy every week, with some assistance....basically, I have someone with me who holds me accountable for everything I know I need to do. WHAT A BLESSING!!! I don't get away with anything anymore, lol, it's kinda funny, in an odd way, to me. So, let me update you all....