More Pissed Today Than Yesterday

I would love to say it's just me, but I know it's not. But then again....you tell me...

I woke up early on Friday, with much excitement because I knew what was about to happen. My life was about to begin...again.. I walked over to the clinic for my 10AM appointment. I made it there with 5 minutes to spare, and unmedicated. I didn't feel it necessary to take my meds as I was only going to be there for a few minutes. I was only going there to pick up my new meds. I get there and inform the man at the front desk that I was there to see the doctor. Why they have someone who is worse condition than I am working the front desk I'll never know. Why did I have to repeat and spell who I was and who my business was with four times? Already, they are trying me! I sat down, and waited. Looked at the time on my cell and realized it was 10:30AM, and no one has yet to come and say BOO to me! I walked over to the front desk and asked, does the doctor even know that I'm here?n He wasn't sure...WHAT??? I CHECKED IN WITH YOU...HOW ARE YOU NOT SURE?!?! He pages into the back office and says he doesn't know where the doctor is, there is nothing he can do, all I can do is sit and wait. THIS IS NOT GOING WELL!! I waited for another 15 minutes when the doctor finally comes out and yells out my last name. It's about damn time. I get up and look around...where is she? She yelled my name and then disappeared into her office, as I, like an asshole, stand there not understanding what just happened, and where to go. The man at the front desk says go back to her office. Where is that? I've only been back there once, and I was being guided that time. After taking the long route to her office, I finally arrive at her office, clearly ANNOYED. She asked me to come in and have a seat. Ok. Then she hands me 2 bottles of meds. Let's recap...
I take....

*Concerta - 18mg
*Concerta - 27mg
*Ritalin - 5mg
*Celexa - 20mg
*Lunesta - 2mg

Now, even if I was stupid, I can clearly see that 3 bottles are missing. WHY IS THIS?!?

She says to me that the pharmacy didn't approve my Concerta because I was using Ritalin and it's the same thing. And they don't prescribe Lunesta. WHAT, WHAT?!?!

Ok, so if your not using these meds, then you probably don't understand where I'm going with this, so let me explain.
Concerta and Ritalin are not the same thing per say. Yes they have the same effects, however, Concerta lasts for 8-10hours and Ritalin lasts for 3-5hours.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
No?
Ok, how about this scenario...
When I'm working....I wake up at 6am. I do my morning duties that usually takes about 45 minutes. I take Concerta at around 7am.It starts to work within the first 30 minutes. It lasts anywhere from 8-10 hours...so we'll say 9 hours...9 hours later is 3pm. At 3pm, Concerta is done working so how will I make it through the rest of the day? Well, this is when I would take a Ritalin. It lasts anywhere from 3-5 hours...so we'll say 4 hours...4 hours later is 7pm. By this time, my day is over. When I get home, I take about an hour or two to settle down, eat, shower, blog, and prepare for bed. Then I take a Lunesta, which gives me, at the very least, a full 8-9 hours of sleep. If I went to beds around 9 or 10pm...I'd wake up around 6am and go through all of the motions again.

So, what is the problem you ask?

I was told that I wasn't getting both the Concerta and Ritalin. Instead, I can take more than one Ritalin a day. So, what she is saying is she wants me to pop a pill, minimum, of 4 times a day. 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm...and these are on normal days, forget if I want to hang out with my boyfriend, friends, or family after work. Who can remember to do this? And it takes at least 30 minutes to work, and over lapping is the same as not taking any...so in the middle of this, if someone pisses me off and I flip out, and throw something at them, I'll be at fault? In other words you're trying to make me a Ritalin junkie? That also means that I'll be back EVERY 10 DAYS for a refill. And, this makes sense how?
As for the Lunesta, she wants to give me Ambien instead. Ok, what's the difference? Not sure, and she's not either...And if you were planning on doing that, why is Ambien not amongst the bottles that you are handing me? What was I given, 4 pills...not a months worth...just 4 pills. Why? Because I have to see which FUCKING milligram works for me.

I'VE ALREADY TRIED OUT FOR THE GUINEA PIG PART! BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!! DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!!!

I took the fucking Ambien last night. Ask me what happened...go ahead, ask....I took it, it made me sleepy, I fell asleep, AND WOKE UP 3 HOURS LATER!!!! WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!?!?!?

She actually had the nerve to ask me to calm down when she was feeding me this bullshit. I had images of installing her new computer monitor into her fucking head!!

My thoughts...
Why didn't she call me to tell me that I wasn't going to be getting the same meds? At least let me know before I get there so I can come calm, semi-prepared, and semi-rational. Why was I promised that I was going to be getting the same meds? Don't make promises you can't keep? If I can tell you, and you can confirm with my other doctors that the cocktail of meds that I had worked....why can't you just give me that instead of making me a fucking guinea pig...AGAIN!? They must want me to flip out!!!! I'm requesting a new pdoc, this bitch doesn't know what she's doing!! Maybe she's good for people who have no clue as to what they should be taking...but she's not good for me!

Black Day

TODAY IS A VERY VERY BAD DAY!!!! NOT ABLE TO FOCUS ON THIS BECAUSE "THE MAN" IS DOING A WONDERFUL JOB STICKING IT TO ME WITH NO KY-JELLY!!!!! TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT LATER...GOTTA REMAIN CALM...NEED TO LAY DOWN!

I DID IT!!

As promised...I did it! I went and told all!
Because I didn't get any sleep yesterday, got up early, went to doc, ran a few errands...and didn't take meds, I was so scattered that I couldn't sit to write this post with my results from my doctor's visit. I'm a bit better today...today is a purple day for me. Let me just tell you what happened because I'm not sure how long I have with a still/clear mind...
Went to the doctor's office. I was 5 minutes early, yet I still had to wait until 9:15am for a 9am visit. I remained calm becasue I was there on a mission. When the doctor finally came in, we went into the office where I found I would be speaking to a pdoc and a tdoc. Again, I'm on a mission, remain focused! The doctor went over the form that the social worker and I completed, then, she had the nerve to say...So, why are you here?...Calmly...

Me - What? Can you not read the paperwork?
Doc - Yes, but why do you think you're here?
Me - Again, did anyone bother do read the form? What does the form say?
Doc - It says you're having some issues. Tell me about it.
Me - Ok, let me help you move this along. I was sent to you because you can give me medication. I want to go back on meds!!
Doc - Ok, let's confirm that what was written is in fact what your having issues with and if you feel like something needs to be added, let me know.
Me - Fair enough!

I know I sound a bit hostile via blog, but I assure you all, I was as nice as I could possibly be. I mean, I truly think that she should have brought herself up to speed prior to my 9am appointment. Hell, she could have used the 15 minutes that I was waiting to bring herself up to speed.
Eventually, I lightned up and took out my papers, where I had written ALL OF MY EVERYTHING down, and read it to both doctors. The had a very disturbed look on their face. The doctor's asked if I was ok, I said yes, I just need my meds. Looking back, I think I might have sounded like a junkie, lol! But, I DON'T CARE!

End result...
I'm proud of myself for telling all. Depressed that I'll have to discuss it in future therapy sessions, minimum of once a week. Excited that I'll be getting my meds..ALL OF THEM...FREE OF CHARGE...THIS FRIDAY MORNING. YAYYYYY ME!!!!
One of the last things they told me is that I exhibit some bipolar traits...hmmmm.....we can deal with that on a later date...JUST GIMME MY MEDS FOR NOW, AND WE CAN DISCUSS ALL OF MY OTHER ISSUES LATER!!!!

Bad Memory

When I was younger, I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I tried to overdose on Advil. It didn't work because my tolerance was already to high for Advil. I used to eat them like M&M's. Because of this, I was placed into foster care(yet again, one out of the four times). I didn't try, that method, again because my counselor told me that I had to live for my brother and sister. She told me that if I died, no one would take care of them. That the things that happened to me would eventually happen to them. I was guilted into living. I would have never allowed anything to happen to them. I was tired of living at the age of 10 or 11. But, she made it clear that there would be nothing I could do about it if I was dead. My mother made it clear that no one wanted/loved me. She told me she kept me for the child support. I was a worthless bitch. I have no idea why she hated me so much. As I look back on it, I think I represented my father too much. Or, maybe at that age she was jealous of me for being the adult she wasn't. If what my mother said was true, then what was my purpose for living? As per my middle school counselor, it was my brother and sister. Now that I think about it, that may not have been the best thing to tell a child. The only reason I should live is for my brother and sister to live? Why not live because I'm worth life? Why not live because I am God's child? Or how about pointing out that there may just be one person that loves me. I never got that...and as I recall such event, I'm getting depressed. Is this the process I must go through? Must I be made to feel like shit and worthless before I do a 180? As my tears pour down, can someone show me where there may be a silver lining? I hope this doctor has some pieces for my puzzle, otherwise I'm nose diving into the Pacific Ocean...and I can't swim.

Still Up

Alot on my mind. I'm not nervous about my appointment in the morning. But, I really want to get everything out. I don't want to miss anything, but I know I will. So, I decided to list it all. From childhood all the way to present. So much has happened. As I start to recall everything, I believe that this is the first time that my life has been semi-quite. There has always been hate, abuse, and negativity in my personal space. One thing I can say...I've always wanted a child. Just one child! A girl. Due to a number of medical conditions, I am unable to have one. For once, I am relieved. I would hate to have brought a child into this world with unresolved issues of my own. I highly believe that alot of this was passed on from my mother from unresolved issues of her own. As I write, I'm seeing an aweful pattern, and that's not even a quarter of it all. I wonder when God will say, "she's had enough heartache". I wonder when someone will be put into my life that will want to make me smile. Not just when, I wonder IF anyone will be placed in my life for that purpose. Someone that will be able to show and give me happiness pass all of my life's chaos. I love him, but I can't see where he makes me complete...or even completely compliments me. Material things are nice, but I'm looking for a piece of mind. Will I ever be able to let all of this go? Has my life been permanently stained to the point where no amount of bleach can help? I keep telling everyone that it gets better, but does it really?

Tomorrow Is D-Day

I go to the doctor tomorrow. And, to tell you the truth, I'll be upset if they don't give me meds, but I have other plans in store for them. It's time for me to let go of alot of anger inside of me. I always just wanted to deal with the here and now, but I'm starting to see that my past really does effect my present. My plan is to walk in, sit down, and tell the therapist to shut up, lol, nicely of course. It's time for at least one person to know what they're REALLY dealing with. No sugarcoating for the doc. All of that schooling that they went through, hopefully, has prepared them for what I'm about to tell them. If not...well, if not, I don't know what to tell you. They may just have to get a new occupation, lmbo!
I also decided that since I'm going to be out of the house tomorrow, that I would do ALL of my running around also. I bunched everything into one day, so I wouldn't have to leave the house the rest of the week. Now that I say that, I'm not sure that my plan was a good idea, but I'll play it by ear.
Supply you with results after my appointment.

What Are You Doing With Your Life?

This is a question that was posed to me by someone I LOVE VERY DEEPLY! My response...What? What kind of question is that?
I was so taken back and insulted. But why did I feel this way?
Well, honestly, I guess I expect everyone that I love, which is less than a hand full of people, to try to understand what I'm going through. I pray that I wouldn't be pressured into doing things that I genuinely am unable to do at the moment.
Don't tell me I need a job, and I need to work, but not do anything to assist me in the struggle, and then when I'm offered a position, question me as if I'm doing something wrong when I say I'm honestly considering accepting the position. If you want to judge me then this may not really be a good time for you to be near me.
I have watched people do things that I wouldn't necessarily think brilliant...but a real friend doesn't judge...a real friend may, however, give their honest opinion...then allow the other person to make their own decision...and still support the person, even if they know in their heart that the outcome may not be favorable.
Honestly...I feel like I'm doing the best I can, considering. I am finding my way, the best way I know how. In hindsight, I'm even happy with my bad days, because it lead me to some great days, and even a few greater days.
God will never give you more than you can handle...LOL!!! Yes, on bad days, this statement is very questionable, but if you only knew how far I've come, the burning bridges I've crossed, and the abuse I've overcome. To still be standing here, with my head up, most times, and still wanting to find my way and praying for strength to have something better....I SAY, I MAY BE CLOSE TO REMARKABLE, AS ARE ALL OF YOU!!!
Just remember, the people who helped you through it all need help also! What works for you may not work for them, but your love will help them remain positive. It may be the only love they feel is true. And, it may be the only love they have!

For All of You

This is just a thank you to everyone who has showed much concern for me over the last few months. Your comments are very much appreciated!! Today, for me, was a decent day. I'm not sure why though. Maybe it's the little contact I've had with ANYONE today, or just relaxing and resting all day. But, for once, I'm not going to dwell on it, just going to continue enjoying my day!

AGAIN...THANKYOU!!! Minerva , occasionalconfusion , onemeanmutha , ~*rylah*~ , janna , nadcesca ...you all are the GREATEST BLOGGER FRIENDS A PERSON COULD ASK FOR!!

And as a side note...blessings to you Minerva! You have overcome so much...you are a TRUE INSPIRATION!

NAMI WALK

The first annual walk in NYC for NAMI. I was excited to go, but tired as hell as I go NO sleep last night. Yup, my insomnia is back. So bad that I couldn't even cry myself to sleep. My family went with me, and even raised $100~ for the event. I still think they are a little ignorant to what's going on with me, although, it's not entirely their fault, but they were willing to come out and support me. That made me feel good! It helped that they were there because none of the people that were supposed to be there showed up. Not even my best friend...Yeah, I'm a little disappointed, but I'm not going to take it personally.
With no rest, I knew I'd be EXTRA IMPATIENT...so, I passed over the Ritalin and went straight to the Concerta! Did it help....well...we got there about an hour prior to registration because I wanted to give my girls (from my volunteer work) enough time to get there. Registration began at 9am so we arrived at 8am. The first time WE as a family arrived on time/early to ANYTHING! We wait for about 15 minutes and the one girl who was supposed to come, that didn't call out, never showed! That's ok, they'll learn a lesson soon enough. We wait patiently until 9am. They were running behind time...that's ok because I took my meds ;-). We walk in and I go to the table that is CLEARLY MARKED.."Area for people who have not pre-registered". That's us! I go over to the table and explain to the woman that I am a team captain, and I have the correct forms filled out for the people on my team who have not pre-registered. I ask, "should I give these forms to you?" Woman replies, "I don't know. Why don't you take them over to the team captain table, they should know what to do with them." I, of course, have my confused look on my face. But, since I am "with meds", she may just be safe for the moment.
I, then, walk over to the team captain table. I inform the woman of my name and team name and tell her that I registered online, however, I do have more money that was collected to turn in accompanied with the correct forms completely filled out. She then hands me an envelope, that has the EXACT SAME form on the front of it that I already have completed. She tells me to write the information on the envelope...WHAT!?!? WHY?!? I WILL DO NO SUCH THING!..is what I was thinking, lol. (I bet you thought I had already lost it. Fooled you! Concerta is a WONDERFUL THING!) I went on to explain to her that there was no difference between the two, and that I would not be re-writing anything. I explained SEVERAL TIMES. Someone finally came over to assist her, took the money, and was about to send me along my merry way when I, again, say that I have team members who are here that have not pre-registered, but I have the correct forms filled out for them. She says she doesn't know what to with them, for me to go back over to the first table I went to.
Let me just make an EXTREMELY LONG STORY SHORT...for about 20 minutes I was passed around from person to person, getting more frustrated by the second...and ON THE EDGE OF FLIPPING OUT!! I was finally taken to the person in charge of the entire walk, and was asked to repeat what my problem was. WHY DO I KEEP HAVING TO REPEAT MYSELF?!?!
She was nice enough, and took the damn forms without me having to throw a huge tantrum. Smart on her part. Then, I was apologized to profusely. Their excuse, this is the first walk, and they were doing the best they could...UMMMM...NOT MY PROBLEM!!!
In my opinion, you knew that you were dealing with mentally ill people, you needed to have prepared for this. Disorganization, and shoving me from person to person is more than enough reason for me to go off!! They were somewhat prepared though...they had police on stand by, lol!!
We could have done without the entertainment portion, and the people that they chose to speak were ill prepared. For some reason the route that they chose wasn't blocked off for us to walk. We had to stop for green lights and police officers had to direct traffic. After a lonnnnggg 5k walk, I decided there was only one way for me to feel good about all of this...I had to become a part of the event.

End result...
My family and I completed the 5k walk! After we were done, I networked! I NEVER NETWORK...BUT, I DID IT! And, I am pleased to announce...
I WILL BE ASSISTING WITH EVENT PLANNING FOR THE 2008 NAMI WALK!!!

Being on meds helps me be the BEST me...I am looking forward to my doctor's appointment on Wednesday!!!

Another Late Night

Again, I'm up late. Can't fall asleep, but I am very aware of the time. I don't want to get rid of my illnesses, it's what makes me..ME! What I want is to find a way to manage, to stabilize my brain so that I can focus on any one thing...anything at all. I used to love to get my hair done, EVERY SATURDAY MORNING...it's been 3 weeks since I last got it done...I can't even make myself go to the salon. I need help, I need medication, I need support...I'm crying out for help and no one jears me. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I'd prefer no one feel sorry for me either. What I'd like is for someone to understand what I'm telling them, to understand my struggle. I'd like for anyone to willingly research my illness, like I did for others, and try to help me manage...give me suggestions other than"you just have to get up and do it" or "stop being lazy". If you knew me personally, you'd know that this isn't me. I don't want to continue this way. Oddly enough, even the mention of suicide doesn't make anyone move...so I'm not going to bother the threat. I know I could do it, but I won't, not yet, not now, because....well, I have no reason...but, I won't front like it hasn't been one of the many millions of thought's that's crossed my mind. I'm a fighter, but fighting has become very exhausting. I need a break from my mind...I'd like to remove it for a day, just so I can rest. Clearly, I can't do this without medication, but can I do it with? I watch movies about people with mental illness's, and read blogs about people like me trying to cope, and realize this is just another acting lesson. It's never enough...I'll always be looked at differently...special...by my family and friends. If I never learned how to put on a show, I'm sure they would have had me committed a long time ago. If they knew half of the things I thought of every minute of the day...I'd be put in restraints, and heavily sedated. I am due to see a therapist on Wednesday, and for the first time ever..I'm considering TELLING ALL... Do you think this will help me? Maybe I've been self destructing because I'm covering up the truth. I claim to be so open, but I'm still selective with info to certain people. Will they stick me in a padded room if I tell the truth? I guess we'll find out next week. Until then, tomorrow is the NAMI walk. My family is actually going with me...wish me luck...another act I must put on...I'll make sure to take a full days worth of meds before leaving the house so I can deal with them, and the large amount of people that is sure to be participating.

These Are My Confessions

If I’ve applied for 200 jobs, 150 have replied, I’ve set up 75 interviews, showed up for 0, offered approx. 30, turned down 30.

I have no idea what I’m doing at this very moment.

My recent passions are writing and volunteer work.

I will turn down all job offers unless it’s for a cause (nonprofit).

The only chance on me taking any other job offer is if I see I’m getting worse.

I AM GETTING WORSE!

I think about my baby Harmony and I cry.

I think about ANYTHING AT ALL, and I cry!

I love clothes and shoes, but would rather be barefoot and naked.

I have friends, but always fell alone.

I am jealous of people who have the ability to get pregnant.

Life’s frustration, and the inability to understand simple things keep me depressed.

My brain activity exceeds “normal” humans, which is a gift and a curse!

Dark hair on my head is depressing.

I’m terrified of all bugs/insects, including butterflies.

I don’t rest unless I am sleeping with someone.

I sleep with a nightlight. I only use them when I’m alone.

The minimum amount of times I shower a day is twice…I make it an effort to take at least 3.

I don’t understand how people can still use bar soap in this day and age. You should only use liquid soap.

Bar soap makes my skin dry and itchy.

I have 4 ½ towers of shoe boxes in my bedroom, I haven’t worn half of them.

I don’t sleep underneath my covers. I sleep on top of them with 2 blankets.

I sleep this way all year round, including summer.

I’d rather text than speak on the phone.

I act tough, but am afraid of everything, but will wild out on anyone!

Fear has held me back from alot of GREAT opportunities.

I need HELP, and for the first time ever..I've asked for help, but no one is helping me.

THANK YOU RITALIN!

I'm finished blow drying my hair, and I'm spent. Straightening will have to wait until later. But, I did good! I did stop a few times while trying to dry the back off my hair, but I completed it. YAY ME!!! I will stick to my motto...why do things yourself that you can pay other people to do, i.e. hair, hair removal, laundry, cleaning, etc. I'm just sayin', I can do all of these things myself, but it's all so time consuming. And, minus meds, these things SHALL NOT BE DONE BY ME!!! I only did it myself this time because I really wasn't in the mood to sit in anyone's salon...& wait underneath a dryer. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl! The next time I go to the salon, hopefully this weekend, I'll be cutting my hair off. I'll take before and after pics if I can remember. OK, off to bed, the meds only last for about 6 hours, I think I'm going on 7...and my body is starting to get an attitude. Nighty night!!

Awake

Yes, I'm wide awake, and wired. It's amazing what one pill can do.
So far I've....
-Cleaned & Sterilized my bedroom
-Reorganized & Threw away misc. paperwork
-Showered (yet again for the 3rd time today...& I haven't left the house since I got back in @ 9am this morning)
-Washed my own hair :-o

I'm about to get off of Blogger...AND BLOW DRY MY OWN HAIR...YES, THIS SHOULD GO DOWN FOR THE RECORD!

I'll let you know when I'm done. If I'm still wired when I'm done with my hair, I'll put up a few more posts!

Later!!!

A Bunch On The Brain

I been having a lot of trouble getting all of thoughts down in my blogs...STUCK AGAIN! I'm tired of it all racing in my brain, keeping me up at night, and disrupting my days. So, I did what I thought was right...I just popped a Ritalin. I may not get any sleep this evening, but I will certainly get to get my focus on! More posts following this one...

Downwards Spiral

It hasn't gotten any better. If it isn't imperative for me to leave my oouse, or bedroom, I won't. This wasn't always me. Then again, maybe it was. I recall over the years, if I didn't have an event with my friends, family, or didn't have to go to work, I'd be locked in my bedroom....sleeping. Fro the last 12 years or so, I've slept my weekends away. Depression has alwayas taken the front seat when there was nothing for me to do. Now, there is a slight difference, I can't fall asleep unless I'm next to someone, or unless I take a pill. So, my days and nights are spent awake, in my dark bedroom, under my 2 blankets, with my eyes wide open. Sucks!!! It SUCKS BIG TIME!! Some may think that I'm allowing my illness to take over...outside looking in, that may be what you see. Inside looking out...SHUT THE HELL UP!!! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU SPEAK!!! Or, it's easy to say that when your not in my flip flops. One of my worst habits over the last who knows how many years is sitting in a room with nothing turned on, most times with the lights off...just sitting still. All of my ex's would think I weird for doing this...and you may think so also. I don't care, I have a reason for everything that is very valid FOR ME! My reasoning for this semi-odd behavior...It seems to my that the only thing I can really control is my body. My brain activity is like the speed of light...there is no ending, no switch to turn it off. Even at my most still, silent moments, my brain is still working in overdrive. When I'm ready to sleep....my brain isn't. This in itself triggers severe frustration, which in turn triggers a severe case of depression. My solution...I'm working over time, trying to get my hands on some meds so I can go back to work and take control of a part of my life once again. It's all about management. I'm working on it. I see where I may have may a wrong turn, that appeared to be the right turn.

So that's why I love you so much.........

***An email from a family friend. Thanks for your support & love!***

Well that explains why I've always loved you so much.
Amber you're one of Gods blessings and if you didn't tell me, I would
have never suspected anything other than an extremely high level of
energy.
You are on the right path and you are certainly aware of what you need
in order to do what works best for you. So stay the course woman and
don't let anything keep you from reaching your goals in life. I am
always here for you and happy to be in your presence when ever the
opportunity presents itself.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life's Journey with me.

Showers of Blessings

A Poem Via IM...

My best friend sent this to me...I have ALOT to confess...I guess I'm not as forthright as I claim...I'll start with this...

ONLY A PERSON WHO RISKS IS FREE
by Author Unknown

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

~ taken from the book Addiction by Prescription" ~
by Joan E. Gadsby

Yeah...she's trying to tell me something. I get it!

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Defective Merchandise

I had a conversation with one of my male best friends, and I became very emotional as we began to speak on the chances of me having a "real" relationship. He says that I intimidate most men, but when they find that I'm so open about my setbacks, men tend to back away. I often wonder why that is. I also wonder why anyone would be with someone who is defective merchandise. But, this is my take on it...Late last year, I decided that whoever I meet will get the "real" me upfront. No representatives...nothing fake...this is me, take it or leave it. I don't think that I come of too strong, although I could be wrong, but I feel it's necessary that one knows what they are dealing with up front, so they can make a decision whether or not they want to deal with my extra baggage. The fact will always be that if you decide to date me, the following is what I come with...
ADD/ADHD, Depression, Anxiety & Panic Disorder, OCD, PCOS, Carpel/Torsal Tunnel Syndrome, Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Collapsed Tubes, & Anemia...I think I covered it all, lol! No, I do not disclose all of this on the first date. In fact, many people may never know, unless of course they read this post. I try to gauge the person and their quality up front, and decide if this is something they are mature enough to handle. I only tell them what they need to know at first, which to me is my mental state, what I'm on meds for. I allow them to make the decision. The fact is, ultimately, I am the one who walks with all of this 24/7, however, when I flip out because you are late for an event that we are to attend, and I feel it's only fair you know the reason why my rage is what it is. I don't expect most people to want to be with me, but the last thing I want to do is get caught up in a relationship and then six months to a year later say...Oh, by the way...It's not fair to them, and it isn't fair to me. If I love that person already, I am at a severe risk of losing them and getting my heart broken. I'm not going to lie...with-holding information is a form of a lie...I need my spouse to be able to trust me, and I want to trust them. Don't waste my time & I won't waste yours.
So, yes, I have some...quirks...but I'm working them out. And, even with all of my defectiveness...I'm still a great woman...probably the most sane-insane person you will ever know.

My Colorgenics Profile

I got this one from ONEMEANMUTHA'S site, very interesting...

At this particular time you are perhaps setting yourself too high a target and so you are living in the land of 'make believe'. It would also seem that you have been bitterly disappointed in the past and you are at a stage where you feel that you can trust nobody. You would like to forget it all and turn your back on the past and start anew.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

You know what you want and you are very dogmatic and demanding - especially in your emotional demands. You have specific ideas and beliefs and if these beliefs are not realised you can become extremely frustrated. You may not be that perfect but you are looking for perfection with the perfect partner.

You are feeling helpless. The fact that you are unable to control events that are going on around you is subjecting you to considerable stress. This can, if not relieved, cause muscle spasms or hypertension. It would seem that you are, for whatever the reason, being subjected to intolerable pressures. The complete environment would appear to be hostile. It would also seem that you are being driven against your will. You feel - and perhaps quite rightly so - that unreasonable demands are made of you but more to the point you feel as if you are powerless to control the situation or protect yourself in any way. At this time you feel utterly helpless.

The tensions and stresses that you are experiencing at this time are, you feel, beyond your capabilities or your reserves of strength to cope with. You feel inadequate and in a constant state of anxiety.You are attempting to escape from this situation into a secure environment in which you may be permitted to relax and recover, free from outside interference.

***Scary but true! Get yours here .***

Is It Too Much To Ask

I want to say it's me, I even want to go as far as pointing out that I'm not 100% on my meds, but not this time. Sometimes I over react, and other times I'm alarmingly calm. But, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR SOME FUCKING COURTESY?!? For instance..if you are supposed to be meeting me somewhere at 8pm, and it's 7:45pm and you are nowhere near the agreed upon meeting place, PICK UP THE MUTHAFUCKIN' CELL PHONE!! Or, if you've volunteered to assist anyone, not just me, and you have no intention on showing up...PICK UP YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN' CELL PHONE!! Tell me why I must be left on hold! WHY?!? HAVE YOU LOST THE LITTLE BIT OF COMMON SENSE THAT GOD GAVE YOU, OR ARE YOU JUST THAT FUCKIN' STUPID! Yes, these things piss any normal person off, but for me...minus meds...it's magnified times ONE BILLION...IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MUST BE BEGGING ME TO WILD OUT!!!! Ok, I feel a little better now...whew...ok, I'm calm...and now we will return to your regularly scheduled program!

NAMI WALK

As I told you in my previous post I am going to be walking with NAMI. My goal is to raise as much money as I possibly can, but ultimately, raise awarness. This is the link that you can click on for donations , any amount is greatly appreciated. Unfortunately, I only have 15 days for fundraising because we found out about the walk late, but even after the walk is over, my friends and I will continue to fundraise and raise awareness. Thank you for all of your support!!!

Just The Beginning

A few of us have been looking for ways to make a difference. Here is what we came up with so far...
NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) is having a walk on May 12, 2007. This is just the beginning, for me, in advocacy. As we build our team site, I'll be updating you. Please pledge and help us reach our goal!!!

Advocacy

I was in the train station on Friday, waiting for the train when I looked over and saw a woman reading a book about ADD. Instantly, I walked over to the woman, sat next to her and said, "I noticed the book your reading, are you ADD also?" No, this wasn't the most appropriate waay to spark up a conversation, but I was too excited. Bottom line, after I scared the piss out of her, and gave her some non-scary information once I calmed down, she was thankful, and I found a calling. I want to be an advocate. Not just for ADD/ADHD, but for mental illenss. Doing alot of research, and I put a pause on Meetup.com, but I have HUGE THINGS COMING UP...Keep you posted!

Children Are Seemingly More Intelligent

As usual, I attended my volunteer work on Saturday. I try to make sure the girls are as well rounded as possible; so, one of the things I have them do throughout the week is pay attention to the current events each week so we can have a discussion when we meet up. One of the requirements is that if you don't know about the subject do not discuss it. Hopefully this will prevent them from discuss things that they are clueless about, that and the fact that it's one of my ultra pet peeves.
This weekend, of course, we discussed the Virginia Tech shooting. The girls were really focused on how it was possible that the school didn't know that the shooter was mentally ill. The questioned whether he "looked" mentally ill...could they not look at him and tell? Good question...I, in turn, asked what does a mentally ill person look like. They couldn't answer. So, I told them...A mentally ill person looks like me. I came out to them. Interestingly enough, they wanted more information. They wanted to hear what made me this "special" person. And, THERE WAS NO JUDGEMENT!! They didn't want to be ignorant, like many people I know. How is it that speaking to high schoolers can be better than speaking to adults? How are they more accepting? Is it because the MAN has yet to completely brain wash them? The sad part is, I can hear that some of them feel the same way I do, and want to get help. They asked, can they go to the doctor without their parents knowing because when they tried to tell their parents, they laughed at them and said there was nothing wrong with them. Sounds wayyyy familiar! So, I pose this question...If we started listening to the children, not laugh at them, and attempt to get them some kind of help...can we prevent another Columbine or Virginia Tech incident?

NOT TODAY

I haven't slept yet, and I'm probably not going to. I have a busy day ahead of me. Yesterday was my best friends birthday, and today we are celebrating with a huge party! All I can do is think about all of the things I have to take care of to make sure I'm prepared, and so I can make sure I'm available to help whenever and wherever needed.
So, today isn't a good day for me to go to the ER. I WILL NOT GO!!! NOT TODAY!!!
I don't think I've ever been more terrified of going than I am at this moment. As per previous blog posts, you are probably aware that I self-diagnos. If my symptoms really do match up with what I've researched...then...I'm even more sick than my mental state. Sad part is, I found more than one result when I did the research. If it's any one thing that matched up with my symptoms, I'm in trouble.
I want to cry in my man's arms and have him tell me I'll be ok. But, that'll never happen because he's never met the real me. He only knows my rep. So, if and when I tell him, it'll probably be in some passing joke format...Hey, guess what, remember when I said that I had this problem? Well, I was right..told you I should've been a doctor. We could be paid right now! I hate this...I'm out of the closet but under the covers.
I tell lame jokes to keep people from knowing that I'm hurt..but I am..and I'm scared. What if I am right? No one will be able to convince me I'll be alright. I won't ever be alright...I won't need my mental health, so screw meds.
I hate being alone! I hate not having someone strong to support me. I don't need someone to cry with me, I need someone to stop me from crying a river..or a big ass ocean!
I'll mute the tears and fears for a day, and resume on Thursday, where life as I know it will resume, and I'll be terrified once again to go to the ER.
At this point, I can use all the prayers available...

LMBO!!! HAAAAA!!!! THIS IS SOOO ME!

Fuck Tha World

I have people close to me that feel the need to lie to me. Why? I don't lie to them. I trusted them. And, they lie about the stupidest fucking shit!! Why, why, WHY????? And, then they act as if it's ok..NOPE, NOT OK..NOT COOL!!!
LIKE I SAID BEFORE...CLEARLY...I'M IN THIS SHIT ALONE!!! I'm going to go back to my old motto...as per Method Man & Biggie...FUCK THA WORLD DON'T ASK ME 4 SHIT!!! Screw being nice and being a friend! No one appreciates that shit anyway!

Hurt/Pain

I hurt so badly that I can't even think. It amazes me how someone can be so self centered and not even consider how another person feels. I couldn't even explain. It made my brain work even faster than normal, gave me a migrane...I had to sleep. I'm still mad, angry, & upset. But, most of all, I'm disappointed. I was reminded how expectation leads to disappointment. My bestest friend gave me what she thought was callous truth...I thought it was honest truth. Just because I removed myself from someone's life because it was unhealthy for me to be a part of my life and vice versa doesn't mean that they're ok with it. It doesn't mean that my "sister" won't try to stuff it down my throat, it doesn't mean that she'll have my back. And, clearly, it doesn't mean that they'll never pop back up and try to get under your skin.
My conclusion...I let it go, the first time, too easily. He's never seen me in rage. He actually had the audacity to say that he won't talk to me until I apologize to him. LMAO!!! DUDE...YOU contated me, I had already told you to delete my number and forget we ever met...I ALREADY SAID IT!!! But, if it's an apology from me that you are waiting on...then I promise to do it, just as soon as hell freezes over...and not a minute sooner! I hate that I had to say things that weren't 100% me, but that's what it took to get rid of him. His fault really...I was minding my own business and he popped up on my text. He claims to be happy...WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU CONTACTING ME IF YOU ARE SO DAMN HAPPY?!?! CONTINUE BEING HAPPY!!! I MADE NOOOO ATTEMPT TO CONTACT YOU, OR INTERFERE WITH YOUR HAPPINESS/LIFE!!! LEE-ME LONE!!!
As for her...I've known her too long. And, like my mother, just because we've been through shit together, doesn't mean we are bound for life. I didn't cause this, she did. I won't be "petty", but I'll remove myself from any situation that causes me pain and grief. I just never expected it from her...not this way, never this way!

Confirmation

I am in this thing ALONE! It was served to me from someone who is ill, like me, but I guess...screw family, friends, and anyone who means anything to me. If you don't let anyone in, and don't reveal who you really are, then the chances of you getting hurt are lower. Why invite someone in, and love them as family, if you're going to be alone anyway?

Meetup.com

I have been offered a wonderful opportunity! I am going to be the new organizer for the NYC Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder Group as of next week. If you would like to join...IT'S FREE...let me know via comment or email, and I'll give you all of the information. I'll keep the events posted on my blog as well as Meetup.com .

My Therapist

She's been pretty consistant with calling me each week to see if I'm going to make it in for my appointment. I've stood her up about 5 sessions in a row. Intentionaly and unintentionally. I want to go each week, but I can't. It's unexplainable to people that are unlike me. This week was different. She didn't call me, didn't leave a message or send me a text. I don't think she cares anymore. I actually give her props for sticking it out for as long as she did. depression has taken over, and I allowed it to. I didn't even put up a fight. She was very good for me, but I couldn't tell her what was real for me. Forty five minutes isn't enough time for me to get everything out, but it helped me get through from week to week, session to session. I'm going to fight this, and I'm going to go back into therapy...just need some time to get myself right.

When

I remember when I was first diagnosed. It was one of the happiest times of my life because I saw it as a means to end...and a new beginning. It meant that I was finally given a chance to be happy. I wanted to know how that felt. To be happy, and not cry all the time, and sleep my days away, or not sleep at all. It meant BALANCE. I went to my other blog, Being Processed , and began to cry...again. As I read through older posts I can see where my thought patterns were, how I allowed my thoughts to come to life, how that fog was lifted and I had clarity. This was when I was on meds, and in therapy twice a week. I miss that Amber. I miss her alot. I feel like I am being tortured, and I'm doing it to myself. But, as much as I hate to admitt it, I'm going to need help getting back on track. Can you help me? I really want to get better...but I know I can't do it alone...PLEASE HELP ME!

UNBELIEVABLE

No one who knows me would ever believe that I cry as much as I do. Or, even, that I had the ability to cry at all. It's going on 3AM, I am still awake, and I can't turn off the tears. I pray that one day I won't have to go through this, even if it is attached to my creativity. Again, thoughts are racing, feeling alone, unaccomplished, un-loved, frustrated, tired, headache from crying, in pain from depression...wishing that "it" would be over! I want a baby girl, but will settle for another puppy because I fear that I would pass the "brain cooties" to her. I'm broken, and no amount of "crazy" glue(pun intended) can hold me together. How is it even possible that I have any tears left to cry? Maybe I'll stop drinking water. You think that'll help?

Enjoy

I took a Ritalin today...and yes, now I am enjoying a glass of red wine. I've been thinking of having one for the last few days, and a few minutes ago I said to myself...WHAT THE HELL! I'm celebrating all of the wonderful thoughts in my head that do not directly link to suicide. There is still the thick fog, but crying at this moment is not an option. I am going to take my glass of wine, sit on the steps outside of my house, wrapped in scarves and my coat, and write. It may be cold, but it seems to be a beautiful Easter Sunday. Enjoy your day!

I Slept

I finally got some much needed sleep. I wish it didn't require me having to take meds in order to do so, but hey, you can't have everything. I fell asleep around 12am, and woke up close to 10am. Depending on my day today, I may just try it again. I do have some sleep to catch up on, why not start now?

Sleepy Time Amber

I popped the pill. I don't know what made me do it, but I did. Yup, that's the Lunesta butterfly over there. This means I WILL BE SLEEPING TONIGHT! I had a VERY bad day today. Now, I want nothing more than for it to be over with. So, off I go...I pray this works!

All Day Long

Need I say more?

Leave Me Be

Clearly there are alot of people who can't handle me. If that's the case, here's a recommendation...just leave me be.
No, I am not always going to be happy.
And, I most certainly will not be happy for the purpose of you.
No, I will not leave my house or my bedroom, just to make you happy, even if I have an appointment with you or anyone else.
No, I will not take my meds if I don't want to, just to make you happy.
No, I will not answer my phone, reply to a text message/emal, just to make you happy.
No, I will not greet you with a hug/kiss, if I don't want to be touched, just to make you happy.
No, I will not put you first,
I will not make you happy if I'm not happy.
If you can't handle me, then just leave me be!

My Latest

I sit in my bedroom, curled up in the corner, lights out, phone silenced, staring at the blinking light. Waiting and praying for someone to call, wanting him or anyone to be there for me. Awaiting that green blinking light to turn red. But it never does...now I sit in my bedroom, curled up in the corner, lights out, phone silenced, staring at the blinking light, crying hysterically. I'm alone, and will always be alone. Screw positivity...no it doesn't get any better. This is my life. This is what it will always be. Pondering if it's even worth it.

WHATEVER THIS IS.....I DON'T WANNA DO ANYMORE!

Rage

I had a little spazz out moment last night. An ex came by my house and was talking alot of mess that didn't make any fucking sense to an intelligent human.
Ok, I'm lying. It wasn't a little spazz out moment, it was more like friendly rage. Again, I'm off my meds, so there is no telling what part of the field I'm playing on at any given moment. However...I didn't put my fist in his mutha fuckin' eye, so, that has to count for something, right?
One day, I'll have to give you the highlights...when I'm not thinking of 2 million other things.

We've Never Actually Met

If you and I have ever been formally/informally introduced, then we've never met. Who you met was my 24 hour representative. The one that everyone, including family and friends, seems to think is so strong, friendly, energetic, & full of life. She's not sensitive, she's tough, together, unbreakable.

Me...I am BROKEN. Shattered in tiny pieces. The slightest glare, or if your voice raises to a certain octive will make me cry. The most un-prissy person in the world. The word together should never be used as an adjective to describe me.
I allow you to only meet my rep because I understand that you could never be able to grasp, in my entirety, who I am.

Will you ever meet me? Well, do you think you can handle it?

Backsliding

It's not getting better. I remember when I was happy, and I was doing better, but at the same time I was miserable. But at least I left the house. I didn't make it to any appointment that I had today, including visiting my best friend like I was supposed to. Seems all down hill at the moment.

Recommendation

It was recommended by an anonymous user that I try a website. I guess the person could feel my frustration..I don't know. Anyway, I don't know how many of you could use it, but I thought I'd share any knowledge that I possibly could.

MDjunction is a support network online. If your like me, and a few of my friends, you probably have issues leaving your room, no less your house. This is something that you can use to help you, while never leaving your bed. I'm not saying stay in bed, and don't shower, lol, I'm saying just in case your having "a day"...maybe this can help you.

Not Sure

I have no idea what is going on with me and my brain. I am so up and down, it's unbelieveable. The part that sucks most is that I don't really feel like I can talk to the people that I really want to talk to, and my closest friends seem to be doing better so I avoid putting the burden on them. Instead, I've been locking myself in my bedroom, silencing my ringer, not returning messages/emails, and crying myself to sleep. I'm still off my meds, and haven't been to therapy in what seems like forever. Although I have responsibilities and commitments, I can't seem to make myself do them, no less want to do them. My one outlet, my blogs, aren't even up to date as normal because I can't get my brain to slow down long enough to get it all out. As I sit here typing, I am crying because my brain is racing again. I really do need help, but where can I get it?

True To An Extent

Your Psyche is Blue

You are deeply emotional and very connected to everything (and everyone) around you. By simply understanding other people, you are able to help them heal and let go. While you are a very deep and thoughtful person, you do have a very silly, superficial side. When you are too blue: the weight of the world's problems hangs over you When you don't have enough blue: you lack perspective and understanding

What Color Is Your Psyche?

Really?

Your Personality Is Like Cocaine

You're dynamic, brilliant, and alluring to those who don't know you. Hyper and full of energy, you're usually the last one to leave a party. Sometimes your sharp mind gets the better of you... you're a bit paranoid!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Very Quick Update

I haven't taken any meds today. Not on purpose, I just forgot them.
But, on Thursday, I actually sat down and got some work done, and I have a few meetings set up for the up coming week. I really feel good about that. Maybe it'll help me get back on track and feeling better about "me". Thank you, in advance, for all of the people who have stuck by me, without judgment, and helped me find a way through my fog. I'm not going to name you, because you know who you are...it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway...I LOVE YOU!!!!

Something

Today was a better day. I had a few appointments to go to today, so that was a reason for me to get up and out. I took a Ritalin, so it made me much more productive. I finished the rest of my assignments and even returned a few emails. Overall, it was a decent day. I remember when I was most happy and productive. It was when I was working, completely on meds, and in therapy. That was late last year. Since then, I have quit my job, I only take meds when I know I have to leave my house, and I haven't been to therapy in almost 2 months. I have no idea why I am like this, and I now see that it's not the healthiest situation to be emersed in, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I don't regret leaving my job, had I not, suicide would have been an option. What I do regret is the decision that I made to take a "break". Although it was much needed, now I find it hard to get out of this. I was offered quite a few positions, but refused them all because I could see that it wasn't going to have me headed in the right direction. Instead...I stopped looking. And then, I became a hermit. So, I'm giving myself one month...and only one month, to get back out there. I can do it! I've done it many times before. But, I may need help keeping focused. I don't want a full time job. I'm actually considering taking on two part time jobs just so I don't get bored. Bordem makes me leave people and places with the quickness. Wish me luck!!! :)

Consider Yourself Lucky

I went to Wendy's today, about a block away from my house. I was hungry and felt like having a chicken sandwich instaed of my normal salad. I get cravings and when this happens nothing, short of a tornado, can stop me. So, I got dressed and walked the block in the wind and cool air. I get there and stand in the long line. I left my cell phone and my ipod at home so I had nothing to distract me from the stupid Jamaica Ave hood mentality. All was going well, until, a spanish lady comes in, speaking to her child loudly in spanish, telling him to stand still. The child...doesn't listen, and is roaming through the line, and of course not saying excuse me. I remained calm, and I didn't trip him and make him fall, although I really was thinking about it. The little boy turned around and saw another kid standing in line with his mother, not saying or doing anything. Spanish little boy, turns around yells something at him in spanish, and sticks his tongue out at him. The other kid does nothing, they are black, so his mother just gave him the eye as if to say you better not do anything. As I watch, I'm thinking he needs to be...WHAT, no he didn't just do that!!! The black kid was standing there...still minding his own business, not even turned toward the spanish kid, and I guess the spanish kid got pissed and walked up to him, and kicked the other kid in the leg. WHAT?!?!?! As I was saying...he needs to be snatched up, or get his ass beat! The mother did nothing...just laughed. I, quickly, grabbed my food, and left. Both the mother and the kid should consider themselves lucky...I took a Ritalin about an hour prior to leaving the house.

Ideas

I have alot of GREAT ideas, but I don't know what to do with them. I think I come up with at least 5-10/day. You think I'm nuts, but what crazy person can come up with that many ideas in a day? My problem is, frequently, I can't get them out of my head. They just move around in there...it's almost like they're taunting me. They are saying...Ha ha, I'm in here and you can't catch me!!
And, just when I catch one, I have no idea how to go about executing the plan. It's worthless...I just sit here, with brilliant ideas on hand....STUCK-ER THAN A MUTHA F***ER! So what now? I don't really know! I have so many questions, and hundreds of answers for them all, and can't pair them up...FRUSTRATED...LONELY...SAD....AND SLEEPY AS HELL! If the damn thoughts and GREAT ideas would stop taunting me for a damn day, maybe, I can finally get some much needed rest! But, the chances of that brilliant break is slim to none! Oh well, I'm off to lay down and stare at the white ceiling for the next 6 hours. Night!

Today

Today was a better day, but extra non-productive. After not sleeping and being sick the other day, I felt the need to sleep, and that's just what I did. I woke up at about 12pm, then went home at 1pm, straightened up my bedroom for about 30 minutes, got in the car...and slept. I've been sleeping all day long, awaking only to glance at a couple of text messages, reply, and looking at a couple of incoming calls, and hitting ignore. Where/who am I? And how did I get here?

Forever STUCK

I am having an issue determining where Being Processed begins and Amber Vision ends. It's getting twisted in my mind, and I don't know what to do. Me with meds or without. There is such thing as too much...Bad days have been surrounding me and I'm only really ok when I'm with him...but honestly, I'm not, he's been getting my representative. What do I do?

Still Awake

Yup, I'm still awake. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep tonight because of the way I took my meds. I took a Concerta, Ritalin, and a Celexa...I won't even tell you the mg's, just know that if I were going to go based on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd be an 85. And, to top everything off...I'm having panic attacks, I have a migrane, and I'm vomiting. This is my fault, I went overboard on the meds. I've learned my lesson...now, can you please let me rest?

Blank

I have alot to talk about, but I'm still trying to determine how I feel. And I can't get anything out. Try again tomorrow. :(

Courage

I just want to remind everyone about the amount of courage that it takes to write a blog like this. A blog period is hard, but to get as personal as to record your life as a mentall ill individual is so on another level.
I am, somewhat, of a different individual. I went to personally accepting my illness to completely being in deial and still trying to convince others. Most people start with denial...like I said, I am a different individual. I think denial takes over me most when I am off my meds. I try to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me, and then I cry myself to sleep, or I can't get out of bed, or I flip out on someone for sneezing. Or maybe when I can hold a 2 minute conversation and cover 40 different topics and have the other person look at me as if I'm nuts, or even when I can't leave the house...I make it out of the bed, but can't leave the house.
I created this blog to promote awareness. I am hiding nothing. All 3 of my blogs are connected. You know my name, Amber Anique, you know, from my other blogs, who my best friends are and the people who play a major roll in my life.
Needless to say, when one of the people closest to me laugh at me and tell me there is nothing wrong with me...I take it VERY HARD. Granted, she is not here with me to see my ups, downs, and in betweens, but I thought that she would be one of them who would support me, even if I had a third eye underneath my armpit. She's not the first person that I've gone through this with, a few people decided that not being a part of my life was the easier pill to swallow than accepting my illness...oddly enough, I'm the one swallowing pills. People who choose not to accept me can see the door. You are not the one having the attacks, in fear of life and a new relationship with medication, or even the heartache of being stigmatized by society, and the lack of acceptance by your family and friends. You are not the one who, HONESTLY, has to go through this alone.

DO NOT JUDGE UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK!!!
HERE'S A FEW SITES TO BEGIN RESEARCH, IF YOU HAVE THE COURAGE...

Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disroder (CHADD)
AD/HD Link through CHADD

National Institute of Mental Health Links (NIMH)
AD/HD
Bipolar Disorder
OCD
Depression
Anxiety Disorder
Panic Disorder

YOU CAN CHOOSE TO IGNORE MENTAL DISABILITIES/ILLNESSES...BUT JUST LIKE DIABETIES, CANCER, AIDS...THEY STILL EXIST!

Today

...I did make it out of the house. I woke up last night and recounted my meds to make certain I could do this. I had enough pills, so I went to my first meeting. I enjoyed myself, but we rarely get alot accomplished...like minds, lol. I missed the second meeting, but I'm not pressed about it. I think, deep down, I had enough for the day, and was greatful to be able to get back into my bed. One step at a time Amber. My eyebrows are not done, but maybe I'll do them this weekend, or maybe not. I don't really care, I can't be but too bothered. Maybe I'll skip this weeks hair appointment also. Keep you posted!

Not

I won't say, today, that suicide is an option. However, what I will say is that I've had enough!!!
I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!! It's not jealousy, although it may sound like it, but, I don't feel it's fair that I have all of these issues. I love my family & siblings with ALL of my heart, but, I don't think it's fair that I am the only one going through this. I don't wish my illness on my worst enemy...but, why me??? Have I done something wrong? Tell me what it is and I'll make it right! What did I do or not do to deserve this incomplete, incompetent, worthless, agonizing gift? Can I choose a different gift? Were there two doors and I picked the wrong one? If this is permanent...which it seems like it is...does it get easier? Am I really going to be married to my meds? Is there no end...but, the end? Is this really me?

This Evenings News

I never watch television. When I do, I stick to the same programs, Friends, or on one of the cable movie channels I watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I watch this movie almost every night, only because it's on, I mean I don't search for it...anywhooo...
This evening I decide to watch the evening news...WHY DID I DO THIS??
There was a boy scout it North Carolina that went missing over the weekend that apparently was found alive today. He was found not to far from the campsite (approx. 1 mile away). They claim that he may have been "homesick" online, but on television they claimed that he wandered away from the group and survived on junk food...and that he suffers from ADHD, and didn't have his meds.

WHAT???????? He didn't wander off from the group because he was "sufferring from ADHD", he wandered away because more than likely no one ever got in his ass for wandering away from the adults!!!

Amazingly

Every person that has a mental illness/disability that went undiagnosed into their adulthood has one thing in common....THEY ALL KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM, THEY JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT.
We could have received help as adolescents had you just listened to us, not judged us, and not stigmatized us! How would you feel if we did it to you? Isn't life hard enough? I don't need your shit!!!

YES...I AM VERY ANGRY TODAY!!!

Untitled

I don't know how alot of people handle life.
Me myself, at the moment, I'm finding it very difficult.
I wake up and thank God everyday for the few very special people that have been placed in my life.
I also wishing that others will become more aware of what I'm going through and not pass judgement, rather assist me in this VERY TOUGH journey.
Everytime I say something to some of my family members, they laugh, and tell me that there is nothing wrong with me.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with any of you either.
*My issue today...I need to go back to work to obtain some form of sanity. But I can't do just anything...meaning, the job offers that I have, I don't want. I can't do just anything anymore, but I can't get my head to focus long enough to search for anything else, nor do I know what I want to do.
*My issue this evening...I want my brain to slow down long enough to write. I want to, at the very least, take a Ritalin, but if I do, I'll be up the rest of the night. If I don't take it, I won't write, my brain won't slow down, and once again, I'll find myself crying myself to sleep because of my frustration and pain.
*My issue tomorrow...I have to leave the house to get my eyebrows done & attend 2 meetings...but I'm still having an issue with leaving my bedroom.
Go ahead and tell me there is nothing wrong with me...Go ahead!

Off My Meds

I have at least 2 million ideas for writing, but can't get one out for you. Bare with me please! Thinking of taking a Ritalin just so I can get my mind to slow down for a little while.

Brain Activity

Ever been thinking, but don't know what you are thinking? Like you can feel your brain activity...or thoughts going through your mind, but have no clue as to what is being thought? If someone were to ask me, at this very moment, what I was thinking, my answer would be, "I DON'T HAVE A CLUE".

THE WORST

I am off my meds. Not a good thing. I've isolated myself...again. I'm backed on all of my blogs. I've had a couple of good days thanks to my best friend, and my boyfriend...BUT I'M STUCK! I have to ration out what I have left of my meds because the cost of medication has risen :-&. I am ready to go back to work, but because I haven't taken my meds, I can't sit long enough to find another job. Funny enough, this short post took me almost two hours to complete. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???

An Odd Creature

Yes, I am an odd creature. Odd to most, normal to many. In my opinion, I am just different, and there is nothing wrong with that, is there?

I hate it when my food touches.

I take my shoes off when I enter my bedroom, but not when I walk in the house, unless it's snowing or raining outside.

I don't sleep underneath the covers. I sleep on top of the comforter with two other blankets.

No one, except the people who sleep there, should sit on the bed.

You should not sit on the bed unless you have bathed first.

The thought of tomatos, gravy, or cheese on/near/around my food sets fire to my tummy, makes me want to hurl.

I can only bathe with liquid anti-bacterial soap. Anything else has me itching and feeling unclean.

I can only sleep on my left side.

Movie theaters are for watching movies. Not for eating and/or talking.

I dread using the bathroom. I believe it's too time consuming.

You should only drink sodas from a bottle, never a can.

In the morning, you shouldn't eat unless you have brushed your teeth first.

There is more, but I haven't taken my meds today...Do you think I'm odd?

Tell Me Why...

I couldn't sleep...again...I was up at 5am, and decided to count my pills. Yup, I counted how many pills I had left...why?

OCD Getting Better?

I have a million pairs of shoes...it's my habit, better than drugs right?
Anyway, yesterday I finally wore a new pair of sneakers. Well, not so new, but I have never worn them. I was pink yesterday, so I wore my pink & white Nike Air Max sneakers. I wasn't too concerned with the dirt getting on them, but I kept everyone at arms length. And, of course, once I got home, I took them off and went to put them back into the box. I looked at the bottom of the right shoe...not too much dirt, yayyyy!!! Then, I picked up the left shoe and looked at the bottom of it...WHAT'S THAT???? OH MY GOD....IT'S POO!!!! THERE IS POO AT THE BOTTOM OF MY NEW LEFT SHOE....OK, STAY CALM....BREATHE....I CAN HANDLE THIS.

The end result....
My right shoe is in the box, safe and sound. My left shoe is sitting in front of my door....the front door, in the hallway. I don't know what to do with it. What should I do? Normally, I would throw them away, but I like those sneakers, and I've only worn them once. HELP, PLEASE!!!!!!!

MAJOR DILEMMA!!!!

Not a Total Loss

I got out of the house today after literally being held captive in my bedroom. I felt as if there was no reason to do too much of anything like sleep, wake up, take meds, and eat. Due to my OCD, one thing will ALWAYS remain consistent...I will bathe at least once a day & wash my face & brush my teeth...then I'll go back to sleep, lol!

I went to my first ADD meeting today, hosted by CHADD. I'm very happy I went, however, I wasn't impressed.
The presenter for this meeting was Rochelle Toga-Figa, and the topic was her sales model...The Sales Breakthrough System. As a whole, the meeting was very good, she was a great public speaker, & was prepared with pamphlets and activities.
But, this was my problem with it....
Everyone there had one thing in common...we all have ADD...we were not there to learn how to sell. We have issues with attention, so speaking about things that generally don't pertain to us personally is a waste of time. We should have been discussing techniques for us to get to the point that we will be able to effectively sell. We don't want to be "labeled" as disabled, however, we came to a meeting for people with this specific disability...we should be treated as such, not like "normal" people. The seminar should have been catered toward me, and others like me.
During the seminar, I looked around and saw ADD in action...some were paying attention, others...well, they were in their own world, while some were trying to comprehend & connect the dots. As for me, I took my meds, purposely, & when I finally understood what the topic of the seminar was, I paid close attention to what the presenter was saying. Not because I needed the info, although I did pick up a couple of pointers that I will more than likely use, but because I knew what was coming up next, and felt like someone needed to be schooled.
She said....
*You can control your mind
*You can control your thoughts
*Limiting your thoughts
*We didn't want to live like that (in other words, we don't want to be confused & disorganized)

Here are my thoughts...
While the information may be useful to most, it does nothing without a starting point, which we have none.
Our disability means we can't control our mind, and our thoughts, this is why we came to the meeting seeking assistance. No, we don't want to live like this! We want help, but just making the statement doesn't help us if you don't point us in the right direction.
Preparation breeds confidence & with assistance & practice you can (God willing) effectively communicate...
TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, LIKE...how do I slow my thoughts down, then organize them so I can prepare? What are some techniques that have been proven effective to gain self-confidence? If I have memory issues..How can I train myself so that I can be prepared, have confidence, & effectively communicate?
Not a total loss....
I'm a little annoyed, but I will go back next month. If nothing else, I felt comfortable in a setting with people of "like minds". And, I did meet a few people...Jodi, Jessica, Steve...& a few others (pardon me, I have memory issues & I can't remember everyone's name).

Why Do I Do This?

I am a true advocate of meds! So, why do I do this to myself?
I'm off my meds...and have been held up in my bedroom since Wednesday. I'm not afraid to go out, I just see no need for me to do so. I heard it's been beautiful outside...that's still not a motivator for me.
Why don't I just take the freakin pills?
I know what I go through when I'm off of them. But when your on them, it just seems as if you can take over the world, and you would never attribute your success/happiness to the meds.
I've been up since 10AM, laying in the bed with everything turned off, including my computer. I didn't get up and out of bed until 5PM.
I just want to be ok..screw normal...just ok.
No Concerta or Celexa today, just Ritalin.
Let's see what happens today.

My Struggle Continues

It's after 3AM, and I am still awake. This is my struggle...
I lay awake at night with every thought I can possibly think of:

What will my next 30 blogs be?

What are the titles?

Did I take my meds?

Which did I take?

Why didn't I take my Lunesta?

Will I bother to take my Concerta and Celexa in the morning?

How will I get to my volunteer work tomorrow?

Is it going to be too cold to wear a skirt?

I wonder if I can find a large enough scarf in the morning to wrap around my hair since I'd rather not wear it out.

Should I get my hair done on Tuesday?

Should I get my nails and eyebrows done tomorrow?

Will I see my best friend tomorrow? Are we going to the movies?

How is my sister and my soon to be nephew doing?

How is my dad & Harmony doing?

Why didn't I watch Aristocats today?

Should I watch it tomorrow?

I should be able to buy a new car by June the latest, right?

What kind of car should I get?

Why am I blogging this late at night?

Why am I blogging in the dark?

Is there a real reason, outside of OCD, that I don't sleep underneath my comforter instead of on top of it?

Why is my hair falling out?

Should I have taken a third shower today?

Why can't I fall asleep like "normal" people?

If I finally fall asleep, will I be late tomorrow?

What will I eat tomorrow?

Will I eat tomorrow?

Is there a fruit stand open right now? I sure could use a banana...or maybe a donut.

Do I really need to wear heels tomorrow?

What did I do all day today?

Why are there fingerprints on my entertainment stand?

Why do I have such a problem with anything, including shoes, being on the floor?

Do I have enough wash cloths to last me through my next clothing drop off?

Why do I sleep with my laptop in my bed?

Should my next bank really be Commerce?

Who do I know that banks with them?

I wonder how much I really weigh right now.

Why haven't I taken my weight yet?

Is that really important?

My foot just fell asleep...why does your foot feel like pins are being stuck into it when it falls asleep?

Why do I get destuctive when I'm angry, lonely, happy, and anxious?

How old am I again?

Wow, am I really creeping on 30?

Where should I vacation this year?

When will my brain shut down?

My fingers are tired...should I continue to type?

Why do I love flip flops so much?

I should buy Harmony a new jacket.

Why don't I just go ahead and buy another ferret?

If they can do it, why can't I?

I don't think I'm going to wear my glasses for the fashion show.

Does that mean I should buy new contacts?

Do I need to find a place that does eyelashes? Or, should I save that trip for the June fashion show?

If I'm tired, why am I still awake?

What was that poem I thought of the other night before I fell asleep?

I knew I shoould have gotten up and wrote it in my notebook.

I should find someone to massage my shoulder...it's killing me!

Should I buy a wig?

I wonder if Larissa is back from Russia.

At what time did I check my emails last? Anything over one hour means I should check again.

****And that's just some of my random thoughts over the last ten minutes....

I Feel...

Happy
Confused
Sad
Glad
Crazy
Depressed
Pissed
Angry
Tired
Small
Fat
Dirty
Funky
Alert
Energetic
Dizzy
Speedy
Neutral
Bright
Clingy
Crafty
Creative
Black
Morbid
Relaxed
Bored
Clear
Sane
Insane
Vain
Shy
Sexy
Ugly
Scared
Messy
...ALL AT ONCE!

A bit too much to bear in 30 seconds. And that's just the last 30 seconds.

Buggin' Out?

This afternoon, I finally woke up!

What made me wake up?
Was it the wake up call that my best friend gives me every morning?
Was it the phone call from my sister?
How about the phone call from Ed?
Or, my body being cold because I slept so wild that the covers came off of me?

Actually...none of the above.

It was the stupid ass man that was cleaning his car across the street, blasting his fucking music, with all of the doors and trunk open so everyone in Queens can hear it. When I finally gave up, and woke up, I had the right mind to go across the street and curse dude out. But...something stopped me. Beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep....beep, beep, beep...

What the hell is that beeping noise? I walk throughout the apartment and try to find out what the noise is to no avail. Beep, beep, beep... I thought I was going crazy! I was about to start pulling my hair out! Later, I find out it's not me...It's my neighbor downstairs. His damn smoke detector is going off...apparently, the battery is dying. He's lucky he wasn't home, I would have broken down the door and kicked his ass for waking me!

Significant Weight Loss

Yes, if you see me now, you'll probably notice the significant weight loss. It's not bad, just noticable. About 30lbs lighter than I was in November. My family, apparently, was worried. I mentioned I had McDonald's the other day and they got excited and started claping. They thought I was becoming anorexic. NO! That is not the case....so far from the truth!!!
I don't have an eating disorder...it's actually a side effect from my meds. Concerta gets rid of your appetite. It makes me feel full, like there is no room in my stomach for anything. I have to take my meds as soon as I wake up to prevent from forgetting. As soon as the meds start working, I am instantly full. So, yes, I miss days of eating. I don't mean to do it! My boyfriend gets annoyed because he never see's me eat anymore. He offers, and I always tell him I'm not hungry. Then @ 6pm, he'll ask if I've eaten at all that day. My answer is...Uhhhhhhh, but I wasn't hungry. I have to find a way to manage it better.

Webring

Here's an update...

Butterfly and I have started a Webring of our own. It's called Piece of Mind .
We are dedicating this webring to anyone and everyone who has a mental illness. Any type of mental illness. I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night, and I was disturbed to realize how many people may have an illness, and not know. If you know someone, are someone, in the closet, or out of the closet individual who has a mental illness, and you are blogging, I would like to encourage you to join.

Our purpose is to create a family of awareness, and hopefully create a safe platform for dialogue.

Bored

I've had a bit of a break from work. The odd thing about me is that I really enjoy working. But it's not just working...I like paperwork, lot's of paperwork!! I've always been interested in it, but could never concentrate long enough to do it. Now that I'm on meds, I want to work again. As long as I'm on meds, I should be ok, right? I hope so, otherwise I'm going to have ALOT of problems. I'm getting bored and annoyed with staying home.

Stupid!

I woke up late this afeternoon feeling very tired and stupid. Here is why...

My doctor prescribed medications
Concerta (extended release) - 18mg & 27mg
Celexa - 20mg
Ritalin (short term release) - 5mg
Lunesta - 2mg

For the last week or so, I haven't been sleeping. When I finally fall asleep, around 9AM, something wake's me...like my cell phone. So, I'm up between 12pm & 3pm. I'll take my meds around 3pm, or avoid taking them at all with a fear if I take them (Concerta) I'll be up all night. And that's just what's been happening. This morning...this afternoon rather, I remembered, I should take Ritalin when I wake up late. This may not mean much for some of you, but those who are on meds understand how important it is to take your meds in a timely fashion or it could screw up not only that day, but many of the following days also.

Fear of Commitment

Not that kind of commitment. Maybe I should say, fear of being committed. I have a confession...I am selective about what I tell my therapists. Meaning, I tell them just enough. I can't tell them everything. I mean, I think them giving me a free white jacket, with long sleeves, and a big buckle in the back is nice. And then, they'll take you on a ride...I don't know exactly for how long, but you can sleep until they decide to stop driving. Then, you'll even get your own room, and it's completely padded, all white. They cook the food, and make sure you take your meds on time. All of this sounds cool, until you find out that you don't have a key to get out of the room. It's a farm, people think it's funny, but I don't think it is. I don't mind commitment, as long as it's on my own terms.

Another Day

It's almost 1:30PM. Tell me why I am just REALLY waking up? It doesn't matter that I took my meds around 8 or 9 last night, because I still didn't fall asleep until 5 this morning. Lucky I don't have to work today, or I'd be in a bit of a pickle.
I had my best friend give me a wake up call. Told her I was up. My cell phone rang, letting me know I have text messages. I woke up, replied and went back to sleep. When will it become easier?

Worry

I worry about everything and everyone. I am up @ 1AM...worrying...about what? Who knows! My mind is racing. I try to focus, but I can't. I spend alot of time surfing other people's blogs, and it reminds me that people do have it worse than me. But, it doesn't make it any easier. I took my meds today, so I had an ok day. I wrote a proposal earlier...thanks to my meds. It flowed out so easily. From my mind to the computer...is this what happens with normal people? Is this what it feels like to focus? Normally I would have had to call someone and dictated what I wanted to say. I would have gotten out the basics, and they would've had to fill in the blanks. It's difficult on most days but I'm doing my best. I've taken my Lunesta already, so I'm going to try to get some sleep. Maybe I'll be able to turn my brain off tonight....MAYBE!

Celebrities With Mental Disorders

I looked at another blog this evening and figured I'd do a search.
*Celebrities with ADD/ADHD...

Ty Pennington
Robin Williams
Tracey Gold
Ellen Degeneres
Bill Cosby
Edgar Allen Poe
Einstein
Leonardo DaVinci
Socrates
Mozart
Beethoven
Thomas Edison
Alexander Graham Bell
Pablo Picasso
Babe Ruth
Harry Belafonte
Magic Johnson
John Lennon
Nostradamus
John D. Rockafeller
Michael Jordan
Whoopi Goldberg
Ernest Hemingway
Dustin Hoffman
Abraham Lincoln
Pete Rose
John F. Kennedy
Bono
Bill Clinton
Winston Churchill
Martin Luther King, Jr.
P-Diddy
Cher
Prince
Ozzy Ozborne

*Celebrities with OCD

Cameron Diaz
Jessica Alba
Billy Bob Thornton
David Beckham
Alec Baldwin
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Leonardo Dicaprio
Paul Gascoigne
Jane Horrocks
Natalie Appleton
Fred Durst
Woody Allen
Harrison Ford
Michelle Pfeiffer
Winona Ryder
Charles Dickens
Donald Trump

*Celebrities With Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Nicole Kidman (actress)
Kim Basinger (actress)
Delta Burke (actress)
Donny Osmond (entertainer)
Winston Churchill
John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
Winona Ryder (actress)
Marie Osmand (entertainer)
Cher (singer, actress)
Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
Roseanne Barr (comedian - actress)
Michael Jackson (singer)
Naomi Judd (singer)
Nicholas Cage (actor)
Sissy Spacek (actress)
Johnny Depp (actor)
Sally Field (actress)
Alanis Morisette (singer)
Burt Reynolds (actor)
Courtney Love (singer - actress)
Naomi Campbell (supermodel)
David Bowie (singer)
Carly Simon (singer)
Aretha Franklin (singer)
Emily Dickinson (poet)
John Madden (sports announcer)
Olivia Hussey (actress)
Oprah Winfrey (host - claims she had just one attack)
John Candy (comedian - actor)
Dean Cain (actor)
Barbra Streisand (singer - actress)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
W.B. Yeats (poet)
Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
Abraham Lincoln (president)
Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal)
Lucille Ball (actress, singer)
Jordan and Jonathon Knight (new kids on the block)

**Celebrities with mental illness...period...
IT'S EVERYWHERE!!!

Other Bloggers

I recently found two new bloggers. It confirms that I am not alone. Check them out!

The Bipolar Chick

Txandi

Medication

It's funny to me that I am such an advocate of meds. Funny, but not. The chance I'm taking is huge! Why do I think this? Well, it's simple...it's the side effects. You know, when you hear an advertisement on tv, they read the precautions faster than an auctioneer. But, as a person with mental disability, we have to make a choice, and take a chance. And, the choices are rather straight forward...Live or Die. It's just that simple. For me anyway. Meds assist in living. They don't cure, they assist in giving you life. No meds = depression & suicidal thoughts. Each case is different. Why suicidal thoughts? Because it's a means to an end. Ending bitterness, confusion, mental chaos, and instability.
I made a choice. Guess what it was.

My Life Forever Changed!!

I recovered this post from my Blackberry, in the draft box. I remember this day! Life changing!

Blogger 10/9/2006

Today had to be one of the happiest days of my life! Though some found it odd, I
must say if I had 2 replay the day, I'd feel the same but happier!

Have you ever felt like something was wrong but couldn't figure out what, or
why?

After feeling this way, did you go to the doctor to tell him "There is something
wrong, but I don't know what"? Then the doctor, of course the doc looks at you
like you've got 3 heads & tells you there is nothing wrong.

I've been going through this all my life, twenty-something year, lol. But today, it's over! My mental re-birth!!!

I have ADHD! The most wonderful news EVER!

Struggle

Most people don't understand. I'm not requesting understanding. I'm requesting awareness. Each day is a struggle...but the struggle is even worse when you struggle with yourself, and your mind.

Daily

Yesterday wasn't a very good day for me. Mostly my fault. I played run around all day, but didn't take my meds. Not the brightest thing to do. I was up and down. What was odd was I went to pick up my younger sister, Tyra, from school and when she saw me she had to a double take. She looked at me and said "Wow, you look so happy!". As opposed to what I normally look like? I think, for the most part, I walk around with a smile on my face...even if it's a fake one, I try!

Therapy

It is my honest opinion that everyone should seek therapy! Everyone in the world has some kind of pent up issue. It's the best feeling in the world to speak to someone that isn't directly involved in your life, have them listen to you vent, and give an unbiased opinion...or no opinion at all.
A stigma about therapy is that it is for "crazy" people. My opinion...you must be sane to recognize that you need help and seek help.
Therapy isn't just for people who are mentally ill/disabled/"crazy". It's also for the people who don't have a person in their life to whom which they can speak to...without judgment and bias.
I go to therapy. I discuss things with my therapist about my past, present, and foreseeable future that I wouldn't ever discuss with other person that I know. I don't have to sugarcoat anything, worry about her feelings, or be concerned about anyone else knowing my personal business. Outside of church, it's one of the things I look forward to each week. My personal outlet.