Oh My Goodness!!!

If I were to tell you what I went through to get to Atlanta yesterday...you'd never believe me! I almost didn't come at all!
If it weren't for my family and friends calling me and texting me...YELLING AT ME...I would still be in my bed in NYC, MISERABLE!!
Why would it be so difficult for me for me to take a flight to Atlanta to see my family you ask?!?!
Well, that would be because of the events that took place the night prior to me leaving. I'd tell you the ENTIRE story, but I think it would just make me go into rage mode again...IT WAS REALLY BAD!! So, I'll give you the extremely short version....
MY BOSS IS A CRAZY, PHSYCO, ASSHOLE!!!
He started this huge argument with me over the fact that I didn't give him a freakin' Christmas card! Apparently, he thought that over the Christmas holiday...I should have thought of him, at least a little bit. WHAT?!?!!? Why would I have done that? He sent me a text message on Christmas Day saying "Merry Xmas"...and so, I copy and pasted the EXACT same message to him.
I think that was more than a sufficient thought! I was with my family, friends, boyfriend....sorry, my boss & work, was the furthest thing from my mind!!
When I got back to work, he did give me a gift...a gift card to Macy's...I thought that was nice of him. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything, so, I said thank you...I appreciate it...and put it away. I wasn't taught to expect gifts...or that it was necessary for me to give EVERYONE I know, including my boss, a gift. You give because you want to give. If I liked him, I would have given him something like a bottle of wine or something...but, I DON'T!!!
Since when are you to expect to receive a gift from someone?!?

Anyway...the minor argument turned into him firing me at 12am! YES, HE FIRED ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A DAMN CARD!
ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE DO THINGS LIKE THAT!!!
Then...the next day, he calls me @ 5:46am....SO FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE...to apologize and say that I can have my job back.
By this time, I had already made myself sick from stress...and my anxiety was in full gear.
I broke out in hives, was throwing up, aching all over, and was sick to my stomach!

But, after resting, most of the day...and listening to my LOVED ONE'S...I re-packed my bags, went to the airport, and was able to catch a flight via stand by.

While I had to recoup all of today...I feel so good that my people's were so adamant about me getting up, leaving NYC, and relaxing with my family. Had they not been that way, I would have fallen into serious depression, and possibly even hurt someone!

Blog Posts

I'm not sure when I did it, but at some point I must have gone back and posted some of my "In Draft" posts. I'm saying this because now I only have 11 posts in draft, out of 199 posts....WHO'S THE WOMAN?!?! I AM, I AM, LOL!!!!
I still have catching up to do with the other 11, but at least I'm working on it!
LATER!!!!

Sad & Disappointed

I can't say that I'm completely surprised, but I truly wanted to be wrong about her!
My sister, the middle child from my father, has always shown signs of depression, I just never thought that it would be this bad. Last night my step-mother pulled me aside, in tears, and told me that my sister has been cutting.
WHAT?!? NO, NOT MY SISTER!
I asked her how she knew, she said that my youngest sister told my father, and they saw the scabbed cuts on her wrist. I decided to meet my father outside, while he was walking the dog, to speak to him about it. After all, I love my step-mother, but she is high in dramatics, so I was convinced that there must be some part of the story that she missed. When I made it to my father, I was told that the version of the story that I was given was, in fact, true!
What now!? This is something that no one is truly prepared for, but I am writing this post out of deepest concern and am seeking some advice, other than the obvious, on what I should do now.
Any comment/suggestion would be of GREAT HELP!
THANKS!!!

I Got In Trouble Today

I haven't been able to make any of my scheduled appointments. Why? I'm not sure...there is some kind of disconnect, but I'm not sure where it is. I've missed about three weeks of therapy, and any other appointment you can think of...I didn't show! My laundry even got dropped off a liitle over 2 weeks ago, and I have yet to pick it up. I sure hope they still have my clothes there.

I decided to make myself go to my pdoc appointment today. I mean, after all, I was running low on my meds, lol. I know, funny, but not funny! Anywho...she told me that any other patient would have been discharged by the 3rd no show. Oh, did I mention, I don't call in, show up, answer the phone, or return my messages...because, I don't check them? My pdoc was a bit pissed to say the least...she even talked loudly at me. :-O

She said that had I missed my appointment today, and not called, she would have sent a truck to my house to come and take me...

I DON'T WANNA BE TAKEN!!!

The sad part of all of this is I have no reason, nor excuse, for why I've been doing this. While I wasn't showing up to these appointments, it totally made sense to me, in my head. What's even more sad is what I was doing at the times I should have been elsewhere.

I know..so, now you want to know what I was doing...Well, to be COMPLETELY HONEST....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! For the most part, I beleive I was in my bed, doing nothing, asking myslef if I should have gotten out of my bed to make the appointment.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!?

What Is It?!?!

I'm not sure what my issue is! I'm just unable to sit and blog. Between racey thoughts & anxiety (which is more than clear), I don't know which is worse! I haven't been able to read all of your blogs either. I did some catching up just now, but noticed that alot of you are in the same still position that I'm in...this sucks!!!

Dear Father...pt. 1

Dear Father,

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'm just going to tell you what's in my heart and my spirit. I love you, and am so very grateful for you and to you. I would not be here if it weren't for you. You have taken me out of so many near death situations that I CAN'T DOUBT YOU! Though me being human, and not with out sin, makes my ask the question "why?" frequently, I know that you have a purpose for me and it assures me that everything is going to be alright.
I am thankful that you have BLESSED me with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I have come in contact with over the last 28 years, for I know it has made me stronger, more loving, and a better Christian.
I know you know where I am today, and exactly how I got here, but I still feel you next to me. My spirit is being tried....but, I remain faithful to you! I have continued to fellowship, worship, and praise YOU! I want, and know I NEED to do more...I am working on that.
I ask that you continue blessing me, my family, my friends, and anyone I have ever come in contact with, for they have assisted me on my path.

Father, I love you....

Your Child,

Amber Anique Basnight

The Dangers of ADHD

I don't mind that I have ADHD...actually, I think I prefer this illness to others, and I couldn't imagine not having it. The diagnosis was the best part of it. Knowing that it wasn't just "ME" was a huge relief. But, it does come wwith some draw backs. Now that I am on meds, I have no excuse...other than the fact that it may not be enough mg's, but I can do ok with what I have.
Consistancy is my problem, amongst a few others. I am not consistant with taking my meds. I mean, I am ok with the fact that I'll be on them forever and ever Amen. However, I have my days where I don't feel like taking them, or I simply forget, even though I am reminding myself throughout the day to take them.
What happens when I don't take them??
Well, for starters, I am VERY MOODY!! I mean it goes from one mood to the next in less than a second. I, most of the time, if asked how I'm doing, will always answer "I don't know"....because I don't.
Then there is the spontaneous part.
Yesterday, I didn't take my meds...so, I decided that I am moving back to Atlanta next month, December. I started placing phone calls to my family and friends informing them of such, and asking them for assistance finding a quick job there to get me on my feet. Also, keep in mind that I still have no car...nor a place to live. But, yesterday, none of this mattered to me in the least bit! The scary part is, had I had a car, I'd be moving this weekend.
Off meds, you never know what to expect from moment to moment.
On meds, at least you'll get a heads up.
With all of this said, today I woke up and promptly took my meds....which is why I am able to complete this post. Other voices don't tell me not to, my own voice tells me that that particular day isn't a good day to take my meds, so I don't...Maybe I should stop listening to myself...What do you think?!?

2007

This past year has been an interesting one to say the least. With Thanksgiving just passing, Christmas upon us, and the year coming to an end, I feel the need to really express my Thanks to the people who have not only played a huge part in my life this year....but in my life PERIOD. I will be writing seperate posts for everyone to assure myself that I've covered everything for every topic. This list includes, of course, first, God....and my blog family/friends. I have a lot to say for each person, so please forgive me for the length of each post.

Much Love!
Amber Anique

What I Know

I know that I'm a GREAT ACTRESS!!! I can't tell you how I know, but I should have won several Oscar's by now. If I feel it and believe it with passion...it becomes so VERY real to me!
And..I can do it without telling a lie! Now, who's better than me?!
Lol! If it wasn't for that whole "fear of rejection" thing, I would be another Halle Berry...or better! :)

I Know

I need to give you an update. I've been in lala land...no REAL reason not to blog...I just haven't. Been a little overwhelmed with a few things in my life, and need to focus. I guess I'll have to begin somewhere huh?
What's worse is I haven't even been checking on my blog family...I'm the WORST!!!
I pray that everyone is doing well, and I haven't missed too much of your lives!
Promise to get updated soon, and update you all on my goings on...MUCH LOVE!!!!

The Big 5 - 4

Yup, 54 posts in draft. Why? Because I couldn't focus long enough to complete it. So sad! Or, maybe it was when I was blogging via Blackberry, and saved the posts to draft and never got a chance to post them....well, maybe not so much "not having a chance", but more so, forgetting all about them, so they never got posted. SO EMBARASSING!!!!
Here's a positive twist to it....I still have a lot more to tell you!! :)

Bloop!

Nothing amazing going on over here.
I am working! It's pretty cool because it's a DUMMY PROOF job! And, I get to wear my favorite outfit! T-shirt, jeans, and flip flops!!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!!
Anyway.....

I went to therapy this morning. I guess since I'm feeling better, my tdoc felt the need to delve into my past and my relationship with my mother, or lack there of.
I told her everything just as calmly as could be, minus any emotion. She was very surprised how I had no visable feeling, and I couldn't understand why she was surprised. I am so over that!!!! I will not allow my life to become a sorrow story as a result of her mistreatment or her abuse!
The tdoc explained how I may start to feel sad/depressed after our sessions because we are bringing up past memories that may be painful....UHHHHH....I DON'T THINK SO!!!
NOT I SAID THE CAT!!!!
NOT THIS TIME!
I've alotted a VERY small area in my mind for my past. It's an itty bitty purple box that has a lock and key. I care not to open it! I won't even share what I would do if I opened it because I don't know...never thought about it.
I'm just gonna stay in my happy place!

Question???

How many blog posts do you have in draft?
I have 54...I start, then something takes me away from it...WEIRD!
I'm gonna go back and try to figure out what I was trying to say, and post them. CLEARLY, they were important enough for me to begin the post...
What do you think?

Yeah, I know, it's been a minute since I've posted. I have no "real" reason as to why I haven't posted. I guess I've been busy enjoying my mind. I'm still blogging in my head....a little annoying, but it just means that I have something to tell you all.
I'm doing pretty good! Not 100%, but I'm thankful to feel semi-Amber "normal" after everything I've been through this year! Of course, you know, I went back on meds...and I'm happy to report that since I've received my Concerta, I haven't missed one day...haven't even considered not taking my daily dosage! YAY ME!!! THAT'S HUGE!
Still, in the back of my head, it sucks to know that I'll be taking meds for the rest of my life...but, I don't mind so much if it enables me to feel better. I'm still waiting to go up to my desired dosage of Concerta, 45 mg, but if I had a choice between what I have now, 36 mg, and nothing...I assure you, I'd stick with what I have. It's just that good!!!

Concerta Update

Feeling pretty good. Getting used to having clarity. Making some decisions that I wasn't able to make before.
One side effect of Concerta is weight loss. I haven't seen it yet, of course I haven't, it's only been a few days. However, the loss of appetite is already VERY CLEAR! I'm gonna pay close attention to that. Last time I was on Concerta I lost 30lbs in less than 3 mths. Can't let that happen again...maybe 10lbs...not 30!
Other than that...all is good!

My frustration now is...WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?!?!
Now that I'm to think more clear, I feel like this is the time for me to think about it, & go for it!!!!
Last night I was awake just thinking and starring at the ceiling...
My question to myself is...WHAT IS MY PASSION?
HMMMMM.....I DUNNO!!!
I thought REALLY HARD ABOUT IT!!! REALLY HARD!!!

I haven't made a final decision, but, I think I'm a more audio person than a visual person.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?!?
HELP ME WILL YA!!!

I Forgot...

I didn't mention what books I picked up the other day. SORRY ABOUT THAT!!!
The 2 books that I picked up from the library was...

* How Starbucks Saved My Life, by Michael Gates Gill

* The Right to Write, by Julia Cameron


I picked up the first one because it caught my eye. I mean...if Starbucks saved ANYONE'S LIFE I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
Turned out to be a GREAT BOOK! I didn't even know that it was a biography until I got to the register....people say, don't judge a book by it's cover, but I say...if the cover calls your name, TAKE IT!!!

The second was recommended by Rylah (thanks ;-) ), I start reading it tomorrow. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I looked over it already, and it seems like a good read!

I've been dying to get the book Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, ever since I saw her interview on Oprah 2 weeks ago. I don't know why...but, I had to have that book!!! I couldn't find the book at ANY library, so, I had to do the right thing...I WENT TO BARNES & NOBLE AND PURCHASED THE BOOK!!! Hey, I couldn't help it, just like the Starbucks book, it said my name.


I finished the Starbucks book, and should be finishing the other two, if not one, this week, and I'll keep you updated.

Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

I feel like a part of my life has been given back! I haven't felt this good about myself, or anything else for that matter, since last yeah. Amazing what the RIGHT meds can do for a person's life and well being!
Today....BETTER....HAPPY!!!!! :)

CONCERTA HEAVEN!!!

AFTER FIGHTING AND A LOT OF SPAZZING....I FINALLY GOT IT!
I AM IN CONCERTA HEAVEN...SORTA!

So, here's the deal....they gave me 36 mg of Concerta. I should be on 45 mg, but my pdoc said if I take the 36 right now for 15 days, she'll increase my dose!!! YAY!!!!
In less than a month, I'm gonna be "Amber Normal", how exciting is that?!?!
She finally decided to listen to me after my tantrums and me not wanting to talk to her!

Today was my first day back on my Concerta, or any meds for that matter. And, while things are still a little jumbled & racey, everything seems a lot more clear...my thoughts that is. I forgot that I have to take Celexa with Concerta for the balancing effect. I'll remember tomorrow. Concerta, alone, has me jittery and having consistent anxiety attacks all day long. But, it didn't bother me....I'm just happy to know that I'm going to be better VERY VERY SOON!!!!

As always, I'll keep you updated!!! But I assure you, my posts will be a lot more mid tempered, and consistent from now on.
Good night!!! :)

What I Did Today.

Woke up (9am)

Went to p/tdoc

Went to the library

Had lunch (solo)

Went to another library

Picked up sister

Went to pick up meds at hospital

Spazzed when they wouldn't let me in

Took sister home

Fought traffic to go back to the hospital to get new meds

Picked up step-mother from work

Went home (7:30pm)

WHEWWWWWW!!!! What a day!!!

So Much Done

Today was an early day for me! I had to get up and go to the p/tdoc today! JUST WONDERFUL!!!

Since I was already out, I decided to do ALL of the things that I needed to take care of.

Over the last week or so, I've been waking up, without an alarm, between 6am & 7am, no matter what time I go to sleep.

I finally figured out what it was. You know when people say "you must have had something on your mind"? Well, normally I would say I don't know, but this was a time that was exactly what was going on.

I've had so many things, people, worries on my mind that it would wake me up.

It was getting annoying. I would keep me up until I finally decided to put a folding table on the side of my bed, because the thoughts in my mind wouldn't go away until I wrote it down.

GEEZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

But, know I have a slew of ideas, that don't relate to each other in any one way...but at least they're not haunting me anymore.

MORE HUGS

WHOEVER GAVE ME ALL OF THE HUGS TODAY...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

TODAY....I NEEDED THEM!!!!

OK

So, I'm in the process of  looking for jobs elsewhere. 

What am I looking for? Well, I found my pattern...out of all the "careers" that I want to do, from second to second, always leads me back to writing. So, I'm looking to write. 

What? I don't know, but I want to write. And I want to be able to do this from my personal laptop, anywhere, but REALLY IN A STARBUCKS! 

I want to be a writer....any advice/suggestions?

Getting support from family - NO

Getting support from FRIENDS - NO

Anyone understanding or attempting to help - NO

Do I give a shit? - NOOOO!!!!

I'm tired of explaining, tired of justifying, tired of being judged, tired of crying, tired of racing thoughts ALL DAY EVERY DAY, even more tired of people thinking that they are better than me because they've overcome obstacles in their illness, tired of trusting people who don't deserve my trust, tired of people thinking that I am not trying!!!!

PLAIN 'OLE TIRED!!!! I'm being told that I should do this on my own, when in fact I am. I live with my parents, but I help pay the bills...now that money has been tapped out, I am looking for another job, but my focus doesn't allow me to do it for an extended period of time. I don't have anyone to take care of me, pay my bills, or offer any support...only judgement.....which disgusts me!!!

I don't judge anyone...to each his own...I love my "friends", and even when we were sick at the same time, I WAS THERE!!!! I NEVER PASSED JUDGEMENT, I WAS JUST THERE FOR SUPPORT...WHATEVER WAS NEEDED, OR NOT NEEDED!

I don't need anyone telling me who I should & shouldn't have in my life everyday! I don't do that to them, even if I KNOW THE RELATIONSHIPS ARE WRONG, OR UNHEALTHY!

Me being alone equates to ALOT OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND EVEN SOME ATTEMPTS!

IS THERE ANYONE THAT'S WILLING TO BE THERE FOR ME? DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE? I'm trying not to run away from my "issues", and not pretend as if my illness doesn't exist.

I don't want a cure, I don't want to act or pretend....I'm stuck because I want to manage it!

It may take me longer than it took others, but, that doesn't make them any better than me...& it doesn't give anyone the right to judge me!!!

My illness doesn't allow me to focus on one thing, I focus on EVERYTHING....SO, NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT I WANT TO DO! IF I KNEW, I'D BE DOING IT!!!

A Book For Everyone To Read

This is something that has been stirring in my mind to post! I thought it was necessary for people to read! I realize that some people just don't know what to do with me, and low and behold, someone came up with a manual, lol!!! I'm going to get copies for people that are close to me.

Take a look at James' blog, Finding Optimism - Health in Response to Mental Illness.

There is a book called Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend by Lisa J. Copen.

James lists his favorites so far, when my book comes in, I'll do the same.

If you want to order the book, click here.

New Career

Today, I want to be a make-up artist!

Oh, and the moment I get a chance, I need to purchase a new digital camera! I've decided to take pics of everything asap! And then, I can show you a lot more about me & what I see!

I took my meds, but they haven't kicked in yet, as you can see.

I figured you wouldn't mind me posting bits of nothings that's racing through my head & causing me insomnia. If you do mind, let me know, and I'll try to blog during regular business hours...SIKE!!!!

IT'S MY BLOG AND I CAN POST IF I WANT TO, POST IF I WANT TO! :-)

Opinions

I never said that I was a nice person, however, I do think the post before last was a little harsh...& the one that I said I HATE ALL PEOPLE, yeah, that wasn't very nice either. 

Not gonna apologize, I meant what I said, but maybe I could have said it differently?

I'm just tired of having to justify ME! 

I wanna move out of NYC...I get.."You know your gonna have to go on a budget", or "Do you have a plan, because you need a plan".

I'M NOT FUCKING STUPID! I KNOW WHAT I NEED! IF I WAS CLUELESS, I WOULD'VE UP AND LEFT BY NOW! 

Then I get the people who claim that people get worse when they are diagnosed...or I am phsycosomatic! WORD?!?! 

YOU GET DIAGNOSED WITH A FUCKIN' MENTAL ILLNESS...THEN COME AND TALK TO ME!

I DON'T NEED TO HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO ANYONE....DO THE DAMN RESEARCH GET TO KNOW ME, THEN TALK. 

I have my flaws just like everyone else in the world...I just handle them differently! 

However, my positives out way my negatives, BY FAR!!

How about this one..."Just pray on it"...well, I've been praying on what I didn't know ALL OF MY LIFE! As of my diagnoses, I've been praying for the strength to MANAGE my weakness!

It's not gonna disappear, and I understand that. And, for some reason, God saw fit to give me this "gift". I'm not "dying", although it's been a thought, I'm just seeking the best way to manage my chaotic brain & emotions!

Bottom line - IF YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU SPEAK OF, THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

I AM NOT YOU! I AM ME! I LOVE ME! IF YOU DON'T LIKE/LOVE ME...THEN EXIT THROUGH THE SAME DOOR YOU CAME IN!

* As I see it, God may be giving me time to prepare for something BIG! I don't question why anymore...I ask how & what! I wish it didn't come in this package, but, who am I to question God's purpose for me, and further more, who are you!?!

**Go on about your life, but be prepared for God's interruption. -Pastor A.R. Bernard

Time

It's now a little after 11:30pm..

Tell me why I feel like working out (specifically running) & making lasagna right now!?

I don't even like working out, and I HATE RUNNING!

Lately, I've had cooking urges. I wonder why that is!

?!?!?

Why do I feel the need to make everyone feel comfortable with me being "me"?

I don't share with everyone anymore...I'm very selective! But, I want the people who "love" me to know exactly what I'm up against. I try to explain, and give them sites to research..but everyone just will not "get it". My bff said that I was like that, I denied it. But, after sitting here for the last 30 minutes, I realized she was right! She's right alot...I hate that! LOL!!! She also mentioned that I've gotten soft...WHAT?!?!? WHO?!?!? ME?!?! Yeah, I have, again, she's right! 

I used to have an "I don't give a shit, stay or leave" attitude, but now, EVERYONE IS GETTING CHANCE AFTER CHANCE! Even though they, technically, don't deserve it.

So...here goes...STAY OR LEAVE...AT THIS POINT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!! IF YOU REALLY "LOVE" ME, THEN YOU'LL STAY! IF NOT...YOUR SEASON HAS COME AND GONE...ENJOY YOUR BLESSINGS, AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! That goes for ANYONE WHO IS ON THE SHIT LIST!!! MY PATIENCE has left the building, on and off meds!!!! 

Come to think about it, I have no reason to be "overly nice" to anyone! No one has done anything different to receive special treatment! As my bff would say...."Don't be sorry, be different"!

TODAY

I woke up early, 7am....felt like shit! But, I was happy that I was able to wake up that early, w/o an alarm clock. I had a VERY BAD ATTITUDE!!! So, I decided to do the right thing....go back to bed! Maybe, just maybe...my funky ass attitude had to do with me waking up early, as I am not a morning person! I thought it was a good idea! Result...I woke up at 12pm...ATTITUDE WORSE THAN EARLIER! 

TODAY, I HATE PEOPLE! ALL OF THEM!!!!!

THE END!!!

Snakes

I wish I could be like a snake and shed off my old skin. It, to me, would  be like shedding off my past and starting a new.

I realize that I have issues with people that have wronged me in the past. It's not that I haven't forgiven them, it's more that I haven't forgotten. And, so I keep them at arms length, as to protect myself. It may not be fair, but it's how I handle it. I have lost many friends, but I'm ok with it. The one's that were meant to come back, are back. I'm blessed for that. But, I'm having an issue with one person...we've been speaking for the last few weeks via IM, and last night, my emotions took over, he mentioned his daughter and her name, and I logged off of instant messenger because I couldn't stop crying. Why? Because, he's an ex, that BROKE MY HEART INTO A TRILLION PIECES! It was over ten years ago, and the pain is still there. Reason - he cheated on me, and had his first daughter with "her".

It's not him I want, it's the fact that it makes me feel BROKEN/INSUFFICIENT a lot of the time. My issue, not his, not my friends, not my family's, not my boyfriends.

I try to front as if not being able to have children hurts me, BUT IT REALLY DOES....IT DOES BIG TIME!! When we were together, at the same time he was making babies elsewhere, we were trying to have a baby. One time we even thought I was pregnant...we went to my doctor only to find out that I had to have surgery on my ovaries, the next day, because of a serious health risk. You should have seen my belly...I looked as if I were at least 4 mths pregnant.

My inability to have children shouldn't be anyone else's issue, but it makes me feel like less of a woman...I mean women were given these organs to procreate. I want to have the same "pregnant glow" that other women have...and they don't even deserve to have a baby. Not to mention ALL OF THE ABORTIONS THAT ARE HAPPENING AT THIS VERY MINUTE!

I AM PRO-CHOICE.....BUT, I WANT THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CHOICE ALSO!

If I were a snake...I'd wanna forget all the dead skin(the past), but remember the lessons....and keep slithering on with life as if nothing happened...A NEW AMBER SNAKE!

HUGS!!

I have a button on the right side of this blog where you all can give me HUGS!

To date I've gotten 75 hugs. I think you all like me...that makes me SMILE :)!

I wish I knew who was giving me all of the HUGS.....

EITHER WAY...THANK YOU!!! You always HUG me at the perfect time...it's as if you know me!

Government Assistance

Well, I took the plunge...I am filing for everything that you can possibly imagine!!

SSI, SSD, Medicare, & food stamps...

This is my latest opinion on assistance....

There are people in America who are receiving assistance who really don't need it, or qualify for it. But, they receive checks, so why can't I?

I am one of the people who really need it, but don't really want it. The process is too lengthy...the applications are almost as thick as the Holy Bible...and, even though I am "mentally disabled", I may, still, not qualify. In other words, I may be going through this entire process for nothing...GEEZ!!!

But, what if I do get approved? Then that would help me with my stress at home..at least for the moment!

My tdoc said that she'd help me with all of the paperwork...I hope she's telling the truth because there is no way in the world I can do it alone.

This won't keep me from working, or trying to work. "The Man" said that if I find a job, then I can just cancel the assistance. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, almost too good to be true! We'll see!

Tight!!

But, not really...Pastor says "expectation leads to disappointment". Boy, was he right on the money with that!
Why did I expect my tdoc to have my meds today?!
-Because she said she would?
-Because we scheduled an appointment for this afternoon for me to pick them up?
-Because she claimed that she asked for a rush delivery which was to come in yesterday, so I would have them today?

It's my fault...why did I trust her? She has done NOTHING to earn my trust! And, still, I pray every night that it'll be ok!

People stink...this messes up my plans for the weekend! I was supposed to go a trade show tomorrow, but I don't think I can take all of the people that's going to be there w/o meds.

I'll try, but I can't promise anything!

Tonight

I did what I am supposed to do...I took my meds at 9pm. So, why am I still awake?

That's an easy question to answer...drum roll please...BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP  MY MIND FROM SPEWING OUT MORE AND MORE IDEAS. And they are specific ideas and thoughts, no no. They are all over the place! Today, I decided I want to take classes for medical transcription and medical coding. My thoughts were, I can take the classes on line, and when it's all done, I can work from home. They make, on average, 40K/yr. I figured, hey, why not?!?

Then I had a conversation with one of my little sisters, and discovered she wanted to study mortuary science when she goes to college. I've always wanted to own my own funeral home, so I got really excited for her & me, then told her that we can have a family business.

My mind changes from second to second...I'm working on it!

That same sister has been talking to herself lately. It's been a concern of mine for a while, and my parents kept saying that it was normal. And, normally, I would agree. However, this wasn't a thinking aloud conversation...it was more like, if you ever walked into the room where she was, ALONE, you would swear there was someone else in there. I would ask her who she was talking to, and she ALWAYS replied...herself. So, in my little sit down with her today, after cracking jokes about everything, from school, to my unwashed hair...I asked her when she talked to herself who exactly is she speaking to. She said that it's another voice in her head. I believe her because I've heard the arguments that she;s had with "herself". There is definitely someone else in her brain. I told her it was ok, and there was no need to be afraid....then asked her why she thinks she hears another voice and she replied that she talks to herself because she had no one else to talk to. I asked if she would be up to talking to someone else, like a "counselor"....and after explaining that the conversations would remain between the two of them, she was totally excited about it! Yup, that was my good deed for the day! I'm glad I spoke to her because she was starting to scare the shit outta me, lol!

How Am I? BLAH!

Not bad...not good! There hasn't been any improvement, but I haven't had any "spells" over the last few days either. I'm thankful for that. I haven't has any TRUE "spells", mainly because I haven't left my house. I think it's safer for the rest of the world that I stay in my house, at least until I get my new meds.
I've been writing poetry & blogging all day, in my mind...I HATE THAT!!!
RACY THOUGHTS SUCK ASS!!!!

Rebecca Riley Case

I was watching 60 minutes last night. Katie Couric was covering this case....I was so disgusted by the whole thing, and the way "THE MAN" is handling the entire thing. What do you think?

Just in case you missed it....here it is...

WBC's

WBC mean White Blood Cells.
Apparently they protect you from infections. This is something that even my 15 year old sister knew. I'm older..I can't remember what they are supposed to do, I just know I should have some.
I went to the hospital for a complete physical, including blood tests.
When my results came back, my pdoc said that my WBC's were "alarmingly low". She requested that I go back to the hospital to have the tests done over.
I asked why...she said that my level was 2.8, and it's supposed to be near 10 or 11. I'd say that it's a little low...just a little.
I agreed to go back the next morning, at 8:30am, to have them retake my blood.
They re-read me the results..it went up to 3. Oh well!!
When I went back to the p/toc's, for some reason the only thing they were focusing on was my WBC's.
They asked if I felt better going into a hospital for a while. So, what did I do...??!?!?!
I gave them their job description, which did not include being an Internist! I told them that the purpose for me coming to see them each week was strictly for mental assistance. If I was sick, I would be concerned about my WBC's, but since I'm not, I could care less!!! I asked if was knocking on death's door (as in, am I dying), they said no....so, I told them that I'll take care of it some other time, and there should be no further conversation about it!!!

I don't recommend ANYONE doing what I did....as a matter of fact, if I was not so mentally frustrated and drained, I might have gotten really nervous. Everyone has their own main health concern. Mine's, at the moment, just so happens to be my mental health. Allow me to get healthier mentally, and I'll take care of the rest!

A Mess

Ok, so I haven't able to give you an update because I am ALL OVER THE PLACE!! But, that's a whole other story!
So, here it is...
I finally went back to the doctor on Friday. My pdoc was actually there. She had me waiting for 30 minutes. Right before I decided to leave, because CLEARLY THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHO I WAS...my pdoc came out and said that she could see me. WHATEVER!!
Of course, she asked me how I was feeling...and I told her the truth! I've decided to go off of meds because I don't wanna be treated like a guinea pig anymore!
What I found out, via Amber trial and error...ALWAYS TELL YOUR P/TDOC THE TRUTH!!! AT LEAST ABOUT HOW YOUR FEELING! Now, I'm going to be selective of the things I tell them, as far as my experiences, but, if I feel like shit...THEY WILL KNOW ABOUT IT!! I feel like they are the one's making me feel this way anyway, so someone needs to tell them about themselves!
How I handled it - I spazzed on them, and told them EXACTLY how I was feeling, but I never threatened them (which is HUGE for me)! Every chance I got a chance to, I flipped. I made NO EFFORT TO CONTROL MY FEELINGS!! Why? Because every time they met with me, I was controlling every emotion, every feeling...and speaking VERY CAREFULLY, as to not alarm them. I seemed extremely under control, and aware of everything surrounding me. In other words...I continued "the act" as I do on a daily basis.
I have had enough of the act...and even more, I was through with experimenting with different meds!
So, when I went in on Friday....I told my pdoc, No Concerta, AMBER NO TALK-IE!!! IN OTHER WORDS, GIVE ME WHAT THE HELL I ASK FOR BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING!!!!
My pdoc said that she was very concerned about me and to have a seat in the waiting area while she places a few calls.
A few minutes later, she came back and said that she pushed harder, and she'll be able to start me on Concerta in a week!

Honestly, I believe I could've gotten it sooner, but I was scared to be committed so I played being "normal".

I'M ON MY WAY TO "AMBER NORMALCY"!!! YAY MEEE!!!!

She just better have my meds on Friday. I've been off meds too long, and I can't be held responsible for my actions if she tells me they changed their minds about the Concerta!

Blog Rollin'

Well I have to roll a bunch of other blogs onto my blog!!!! As I do so...ENJOY A LITTLE LIMP BIZKIT!!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!!
OH...& IF YOU ROLL ME, I'LL ROLL YOU!!!!
KEEP ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'!!!!

Hospital

Tomorrow I go in to see my p/tdoc's. If I let them check me in, what happens next? What type of effect does it have on my family & friends...OR ME?!?! What do I tell them...or not tell them?
If my blood work doesn't change, what will that mean for me? I did some research, I don't even want to get into what the possibilities could be, but, it isn't good...although it would explain alot.
Could this be a happy ending or will I just end up more scared and alone?

Ask Me If I Care

Go ahead...ask me!
My mother isn't speaking to me right now....if I said I cared, I'd be lying my ass off...so, let me just be honest...I can give 2 healthy shits!
I spoke with her yesterday, and she was driving around looking for something to eat for dinner...her in Las Vegas, me in NYC.
I told her that I've been learning to cook over the last few months and she should try it. I told her that it's not as horrible as she made it out to be.
She replied, "Oh please Amber, I used to cook for you kids all the time"....SHE MUST BE SMOKING SOMETHING!!!
Preparing a large pot of spaghetti once a week and having 3 kids eat the same thing all week is NOT cooking....just in case you didn't know!
She claimed that I seem to forget when we stayed with her, now, ex-husband how she used to cook steaks for us and other stuff.
I went on to correct her...she cooked for him....she didn't cook for us! If she doesn't believe me she can ask her other 2 kids, to whom which want nothing to do with her!
She proceeded to catch an attitude, and then hung up the phone on me.....
Ask me if I care...I DARE YOU!!!!

Drained

I am emotionally drained!
I'm laying in bed, of course with insomnia, wishing that I had just one person I could talk to. Just one person that would listen without judgement, and not feel the need to be on suicide watch.
Blogging just isn't getting the job done anymore, hence the lack of posts.
I would love to know the feeling of just one person loving me, unconditionally.
How does it feel to know what your talent/gift is?
Even better, how does it feel to use it?
How am I 27, going on 28, and still have no destination? Everyday, I'm thinking I want to do something new.
Why was my mother able to have 3 children, with her suck ass lack of maternal instinct...but, I can't have one?
Why am I the only person in my family with health issues?
Let me correct that...one of my sisters has eczema..the rest of my family-COMPLETELY HEALTHY!
Why am I still living at home???? Because, I'm terrified to live alone, knowing that frustration may lead to my suicide.
But, staying here seems to be the same kind of torture.
Why am I treated like an outcast on both sides of my family? My mother see's my father when she looks at me, my father see's my mother when he looks at me...so guess what....I'm hated!
When I try to talk to my therapists, I can only go but so far before they had me the long white coat, and drive me to the hotel with padded rooms.
I cry myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT....when I'm sleeping with or without someone.
Why am I not worthy of anything, but people who kill, lie, steal, cheat get everything?
Will this ever end...or does it have to END before it ends?
Everyone wants to "help", but they have no idea of the burden of really "knowing everything".
I wake up, everyday, thank God for allowing me have another day, and then ask him why he allows me to have another day.
Is this what it's gonna be, forever and ever amen?
If so, death seems easier...not better....just easier.
I'm an actress by nature...CLEARLY, because no one knows what's really happened or what's really going on.
Everyone thinks I'm a ROCK, when I'm really more like warm milk....or maybe even jello that's been left out for too long.
STILL WAITING FOR MY ONE MAGIC PILL!!! ANY DAY NOW..ANY DAY!

Honesty!

One can not afford to be mentally ill and completely honest at the same time. You have to be extremely cautious, and understand the possible consequences.
As "brilliant" as I am, I decided to break down yesterday, walk into my pdoc's office and tell EVERYTHING! I MEAN...EVERYTHING!
The result was them suggesting I be hospitalized...ummmm, that wasn't the exact response I was looking for. I'm not sure of what I thought was going to happen, as a matter of fact, I think my thought process was since I was getting noticeably worse that if I told the complete truth, that maybe they could fix it! Well, that certainly backfired on me! Who told me to go and think for myself anyway?
They also went on to tell me that my WBC (white blood cell) count was "alarmingly low"...I don't know about you, but when someone uses the word alarm in a sentence to me...I tend to get "ALARMED"! Apparently, normal is to 9, 10, or 11...my count is 2.8. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?! AM I DYING NOW?!?!? ON TOP OF ME BEING MENTAL, NOW I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DYING?!?! (Btw...That was me panicing) I knew what I was going to do as soon as I got home...I was getting on my computer, and going to google.com and ask.com. They couldn't, or should I say wouldn't, tell me how concerned I should be. What they did say was I needed to go back to the hospital at 8:30am, this morning, to have my blood work redone. WHATEVER!!!!
As for my meds...I haven't been sleeping over the last couple of weeks, so they told me to take 2 Xanax pills along with 1 Trazadone, & I should be able to sleep. I'm going off of Celexa because we still have no clue as to what it's doing to me other than reversing my OCD, which has caused me to be, in my opinion, a nasty person. Now, they want to put me on Prozac..hmmmm, I'll think about it, but the odds are not in Prozac's favor! Strattera...well, it's just as I thought it would be, for me! A DAMN WASTE OF MEDS!!! It hasn't done anything for me, so I refuse to take anymore of it.
Basically, what I was told was that I couldn't have any other meds until my new blood work came in...and so, my rage is taking over...I've flipped out on 3 people already today, and I think I owe 2 people an episode.
This next week should be very interesting!

Treatment

Am I getting any better? Who knows! But, there is something that I've been thinking about for a while now. I'm considering ending my OCD treatment. At the moment it's just a VERY STRONG CONSIDERATION, but extremely realistic at this point.
I actually miss my OCD! Who says things like that?
Well, I went from being EXTREMELY clean to not really giving a shit. My clothes have been separated in laundry bags for weeks now, and I have yet to take them to be washed. I still shower every day but I have to convince myself that it's not as bad as i think...while I used to take 2 or more showers without it even being an option. My hair used to get done, at the salon, once a week, EVERY SATURDAY MORNING, I was the first person in the chair, and the first one out. Now, well, let's just say that it's been 3 weeks since I was last in the salon...and I am considering wearing wigs full time to avoid having to go to the salon.
I have been staring at lint balls from my comforter on the floor, and have been complaining about having to vacuum for the last month. I just vacuumed yesterday...I had to force myself to do it!
It was so much easier when I was full blown OCD....time consuming, but easier!

My Inner Demons

I have a problem with the fact that other people have the ability to bear children.
Not them...just their ability to conceive, carry, birth, & raise them.
Why?
Because, I can't!
Outside of my mental issues, I also have a few internal issues...other that that, I'M AS HEALTHY AS A NEW BORN BABY, LOL!
It's my issue, I know....but, the fact that I've know for 12 years that I couldn't conceive hasn't stopped my attempt.
But, as of now...I give up!
In my head, it's not fair, especially since I only wanted one.....just one...IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Going Where?

I look back on the last two weeks and start to think about my efforts, over all, to try to make myself mentally stable. Is it worth all of the side effects that I have encountered? When I wasn't fully aware of my illness, was I better off? Some think that ignorance is bliss...I believe that ignorance is stupid! Which is why I took the time out to seek treatment...but, I can't see where I'm improving. I am less apt to throw things at someone in the fit of rage, at least for the first 10 seconds while I figure out if it should be a round object thrown to the head or a pointy object toward the left eye. I guess that's a step in the right direction, right?
I guess wishful thinking states that there should be some kind of miracle pill, just for me, that fixes everything.

WHERE IS MY DAMN PILL!!!????
I just want one, and only one! I'm not being greedy! I just want to be "normal". Where people that know me don't have to take into consideration what my reaction would be before inviting me to an amusement park that has long lines, or to a play that lasts for more than 15 minutes, or even to the park...where I know for a fact that there are bugs....I still have no clue as to why people try convince me otherwise!

*Will I yell at a woman if she cuts in front of me and steps on my shoes...YES, but only because she didn't say excuse me or apologize for stepping on my shoe.
*Will I yell at the man who is in front of me, in his car, just sitting there, and the light is green....NO, I'll pull up next to him, come to a complete stop, and stare dead in his face with an expression that clearly says "I dare you to say anything but I'm sorry".
*I think those are huge improvements!!!

NO? BUT, I DIDN'T SPIT ON ANY OF THEM!!!

Thank You!!!!

You never know just how many people are reading your blog, or how many people it affects. I get frequently receive emails, occasionally get comments, but NEVER HAVE I RECEIVED AN AWARD!!
This is my first...Jason, Random-Musing, gave me the Courageous Blogger Award.
YAY ME!!!
I can't remember the last time I've received any kind of award!
This is special to me because it means that whatever I write/rant is being taken in by people, and they are making attempts to understand what I am going through. It takes a lot for someone to blog...it takes even more for someone to blog about a mental illness. I have more than just this one blog, but this one, at the moment, means the most to me because I am still looking for mental clarity.
Thanks Jason for thinking of me, and recognizing me!!!

Strattera

Here we go again!
We are "trying" something new...AGAIN!!!
I've heard alot about this one, but I've always been against meds w/o stimulants. Why? Because I feel like there is a 50/50 chance that it will/won't work. After my body has been filled up with stimulants, do you really think that a non-stimulant can work? Don't you think they should have tried that one before all of the others?
Today makes day 2...nothing to report as of yet....I'll keep you updated!

I am a Guinea Pig

I am so sick and tired of the trial and error with meds!!!
I went into my pdoc's office on Monday, w/o an appointment, I even passed on letting the receptionist call to inform her that I was there. I just walked my ass right in there! Placed the devils pills, Lithium, on her desk and told her that I refuse to take anymore of those satanic pills!! I meant that!!! I told her that I would sooner go back on Ritalin and risk psychosis than continue to get fatter by the day! I weighed myself that day...I was 5 pounds heavier than I was the previous Wednesday that I received the medication....by then I noticed that my stomach had already started to decrease, which means, in my head, that I must have weighed more when my stomach was bigger.
My pdoc had the audacity to point out the fact that the majority of the patients in the office were significantly over weight.
So, what was she trying to say? That I had a choice...be fat or be mentally unstable?
I told her that maybe that was something that others were ok with, but being over weight is not an option for me!
She offered Depakote as an alternative.
I asked her what the side effects were...she said some weight gain...but there was a chance of hair loss...WHAT?!??!
She actually compared the side effects to chemotherapy....that was a no no!!!
So, I'm either mentally unstable or over weight bald person?!?!?
I know that my feelings about this is a bit exaggerated, but I always think of everything in the worse case scenario...I understand that every person's body reacts differently, but the side effects that are being explained to me are just not something that I can deal with at this point.
The end of our conversation is where I stated that she needed to find something that didn't have the side effects of weight gain/hair loss....even if she did a combo of meds that balanced it out...then I left!
I went the next 4 days w/o meds...was a bit lost...still holding a lot of water weight...confined myself to my bedroom...but all in all, felt better about confronting my doc.

Terrified & Alone

I'm alone in this...and I really don't know what to do.
No one can have a conversation with me with out judgement, which means, I'm left to figure it out on my own.
I'm considering stopping meds all together, with the exception of Xanax...to help me sleep.
I'm tired of being used as a lab rat.
I know what works, but they won't give it to me. If I want it, I'd have to pay out of pocket which totals over $300/mth.
The latest trial and error, Lithium, was nothing short of a train wreck.
What now?
I go into the p/tdocs office in the morning, full of frustration and emotion, try not to break down in tears & beg for help.
What kind of help is the issue.
I've been off of Celexa for about a week now.
Went off of Lithium as of Saturday night, after being on it for about 4.5 days.
Taking Xanax when needed.
And, now I'm on water retention pills, for the water weight damage that the Lithium did.
I feel a mess, helpless, worthless....and ghost like, if you know what I mean.
Praying all day and night for guidance....still no answer.
I can't talk to my friends because they really don't understand, even in their best attempts to try, I feel like a burden, and they feel helpless and lost for they don't know what to do or say.
So, I just sit up in my bed, staring at the walls...yup, I'm back to staring at the walls, it's the only thing my brain will allow me to do efficiently.

LITHIUM IS THE DEVIL!

I am on day number 5 of creating a lithium level in my system. You know...when you have to gradually up the meds, day by day, until you reach the pdoc's desired mg they're prescribing.
Well..last night, the evening of day 4, I made the decision to stop ALL LITHIUM TREATMENT!!!
WHY?
I'll tell you why!
The very first pill that I took on Wednesday made my stomach expand!
What the hell is this?!?!?
My pdoc said that there would be some weight gain, but she didn't explain that it would be instant.
If you have a problem gaining weight...Lithium is the way to go.
If I would have continued taking it, there's no telling what would have happened...what I'd be positive about is my depression would have gotten a lot worse!
I made the BEST decision for ME mentally...and probably the best decision I've ever made!

???

What is it about being in a different surrounding that makes me want to blog?
I can't seem to do it at home anymore...so, I make plans to do it elsewhere. We'll see how this works out.

Today marks a new beginning for me...in a way!

Today marks the end of me taking Ritalin LA! YAY ME!!!

I traded it in for 300mg of Lithium!

Some may think that it wasn't a great idea...but, for me, it's a wonderful thing!

At this point, I am willing to try just about anything that will work!

I have letters to write and blogs to update....I need to live my life! I pray that I'll be able to do that soon.

Today

I decided to go to church today, As a matter of fact, I was prepared to the extent that I spent 3 hours yesterday flat ironing my hair so that I couldn't use my hair being a mess as an excuse. I told myself, and anyone who would listen that I was going to the second service, 10:30AM, and any plans that were to be made needed to be scheduled for early/late afternoon.
So, what happened?
Well, let's start with, I woke up on time, hit my alarm, then went back to sleep. When I did wake up, it was 11am. I made a few phone calls, then sent a few texts. Then, as recommended by my bff, I got out of bed and made the decision to go to 3rd service, 1:00pm.
I did it...I made it to 3rd service. I was proud of myself for doing it!
Then...IT HAPPENED...I was only in the sanctuary for about 20 minutes...then, I left. I COULDN'T STAY! I FELT EVERY WHERE, AND MY BRAIN WAS ON WARP SPEED! I tried to stay, then started to cry. Why cry? OUT OF PURE FRUSTRATION! WHY THE HELL AM I ON MEDS IF THE SHIT ISN'T HELPING ME????? WHY POLLUTE MY INSIDES, AS JAY WOULD SAY, IF THE FUCKING MEDS AREN'T GOING TO WORK?
I'm home now, pissed, and mad at the entire world! Right now is a good time for everyone to stay away from me. Maybe we'll chat later!

Short One

I figured I'd give you a quicky.

I'm doing ok, considering I keep forgetting to take my meds. I'm up & down & all around. Of course, I'll never admit this to my p/tdoc. As far as their concerned, I'm doing all I'm supposed to be doing.
I think I'm purposely forgetting to take my Ritalin LA. I get EVERY side effect from it, and I don't like it, and I feel like it's not fair! Yeah, sounds bratty, but I don't think that it's fair, and it's MY BLOG, so I'll be bratty if I feel like it!

I haven't been blogging on Blogger, but, I have been blogging in my head, does that count?

I've been sleeping w/o my sleepy time meds a few times this week. But, I've also been drinking. You think those two are connected? Hmmmm....

I have a physical scheduled for Monday, and on Wednesday my pdoc is supposed to be taking me off of Ritalin LA, and putting me on Lithium. THIS TIME, I'M GOING TO ALLOW IT. I'M WILLING TO TRY ALMOST ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE ME SEMI-NORMAL AMBER AGAIN!

I Did It!

Ask and you shale receive!
I must be crazy asking for PMS!
But, I did, and so I got it!
I will never do that again!
EVERYTHING IS MAGNIFIED TODAY!
I HAVEN'T SLEPT, PMS....DIDN'T BOTHER TAKING MEDS BECAUSE AS SOON AS I GET SLEEPY, I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP..AND STAY THERE UNTIL TOMORROW!
It's a beautiful day here in NYC!
The only thing that's keeping me positive right now is the weather and the fact that I'm about to watch Ratatouille on dvd.
I normally don't do this but, my father borrowed the bootleg from a friend because I was complaining that he went to see the movie without me...
I'm going to get in my bed, underneath my blanket, in the A/C, with a salad, chips & a soda and watch it!
I'll let you know how it turns out.

Moods & Emotions

I'm full of them today. All feelings are rushing at me from every direction. I wish it were PMS! Yup, it's that bad that I'm wishing for PMS! What woman does that?
The sound of people talking make me tired, sad, angry, frustrated, and then makes me cry.
I'm not crying in public because I'm no punk...I went into the bathroom and did it. My baby sister watching me with a look that screams YOU ARE SOOO LOSING YOUR MIND! Little does she know...I lost it a long time ago.
Nope, not feeling sorry for myself, just frustrated that I can't get control of anything, including myself.

A World of My Own

It's so sad that I can't really explain to anyone, including my p/tdoc's exactly how I feel.
I can tell them, but you'll never really know what I'm talking about unless you've walked a few feet in my shoes. I have friends who have other illnesses, and we try to relate to each other, but it's hard. Our symptoms and reactions are VERY different. And, even if we had the same diagnosis, we would most certainly handle it differently. So, I'm stuck, all alone. Wishing on a daily basis for a little bit of Amber normalcy. I can't really remember the last time I stepped into that world, but I miss is more than I miss cool days...and it's hot as hell here!
I think that the heat makes me even more irritable. I try to warn people that come in contact with me when I'm having an pff day. But for some odd reason, they rarely take heed. Why is that? And then, they have the nerve to be pissed when I spazz out.
Did I not just tell you that it's a bad day for me?
Did I not just ask if we could please take this issue up at another time?
Were you listening when I said right now isn't a good time for me, and I'm not feeling well?
When people look over the warnings that I have CLEARLY GIVEN, it makes me feel as if they don't care about my well being...so then, I spazz, because if you don't care about my well being...why the hell should I care about yours? SCREW YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS!!! I WARNED YOU! YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME ALONE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND CLEARLY YOU DON'T CARE...KEEP MESSING WITH ME AND I'LL HAVE TO KICK YOUR ASS! AND, IT'LL ALL BE YOUR FAULT!
IS THERE ANYONE THAT UNDERSTANDS? AM I REALLY ALONE IN MY OWN WORLD? IS THIS GONNA BE ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I Do It To Myself

I've been off meds for a little while now. I mean consistently off of them. The only thing I've been making an effort to take is my sleepy time meds. Why? Because, I'm still not sleeping. For a while I thought my day time meds had something to do with it, so I decided to stop taking them to see if it would make a difference...to no avail.
Today, I had to run around for my family at the last minute. So, since I knew what I was in for, I thought that I should go in prepared.
What did I do? I decided to take my meds....I always forget what happens then I've been off of them for a while, and then randomly start back.
I feel like I have no control over my body...outer body experience times a million!
Why can't I just do what I'm supposed to do? JUST TAKE THE DAMN MEDICATION!!! JUST FUCKING TAKE IT!
I want to say I need a system, but, what kind of system can a person have just to make you take the damn medication?
I don't forget it...I just don't take it. And, I keep saying to myself...TAKE YOUR MEDS, TAKE YOUR MEDS!!!!!
I'LL FIGURE IT OUT!!!!!

Update

-Still on meds :(
-Still going to the p/tdoc
-I got a job, that I believe is REALLY FOR ME! If what the gentleman said is true, and God is willing to bless me, then IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!
-I AM MORE THAN READY TO PROCEED WITH MY CHANGES!!! I'M STILL PRAYING IT COMES SOONER THAN LATER!
-Sleep has been off and on...concentration...even worse...but, I'm trying!
-Photo shoot with my best friend this weekend!!!! I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!!
-I have a rather odd addiction to soda, latte's & chips....going through withdrawal now. :-P

HANGIN' IN THERE!

4 Page Letter

Or, something close to it...maybe 3 and a half.
I sat up one night and had a million feelings rolling around through my head. I knew that there was no way for me to ever fall asleep while I was this full. So, I decided to write him a letter.
After, I felt somewhat content, and decided that I would mail it the next morning. To make sure that I did as planned, I placed our addresses on an envelope, sealed it, and put a stamp on it. I placed the letter on my jewelry box, knowing that I wouldn't forget it if placed there.
The next morning, on my way to the pdoc, I got dressed, grabbed the letter and placed it in the mailbox.
After sending it, I knew it was the right thing to do, I felt very proud of myself.
The letter itself was very girly...mostly, expressing a sample of what I felt with our relationship.
Why did I feel good? Because, if all else fails...I can at least say that it was said. Maybe not everything, but most of what I felt at that moment was put down on paper and received by him.
The outcome...hmmmm, I don't really know. I know that he received the letter because I saw it in his bedroom.
He didn't bring it up in conversation, and neither did I. My thoughts is that I made the first move, he should have made the second.
We did end up having an interesting "conversation" about relationships and pride.
My discovery...I'm ready for a real relationship....and, I'm not sure he is ready to be 100%.
This doesn't change my love for him, but it made me understand him a lot more than I did.
I love you Jay!!! :)

Frustration

I'm laying down on my bed, making my best attempt to relax. I'm in the middle of a HUGE ANXIETY ATTACK!!!
My body is numb, but my heart is racing and it feels like my body is trying to turn itself inside out.
I don't know what to do. I took my meds like I was supposed to, and it seems as if the exact reason that I take Celexa is happening at this very moment. I'M RACEY ALLLLL AROUND!!! MY HEART RATE IS EVEN UP MORE THAN IT SHOULD BE!
WHAT NOW!

I'm looking for that magical thing. That feeling that makes you feel warm, and gives you butterflies in your tummy.
Do you know what feeling I'm talking about?
Yup, it's the one that can only come from.....CHIPS AND SODA!
I think I'm going through withdrawal. I NEED CHIPS AND SODA NOW!!!!!
Your probably asking why I won't go out and get some, right?
Ok, the answer to that would be BECAUSE!!!!
I don't want to go outside. Why isn't there any junk food in my house?
AM I BEING PUNK'D AGAIN?
I've got the shakes and I'm having hot flashes...CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME SOME CHIPS AND SODA????
PRETTY PLEASE. WITH SUGAR ON TOP!

100 Things About Me Pt.10...THE END!!

91) I have had 4 surgeries.

92) I believe that there is a pill for everything!

93) I spent 2 years driving around the United States, but have never been outside of the country.

94) I love Listerine!

95) Things I simply can not/will not live without – Blistex, Lipglass, Lever 200/Dial liquid soap, Starbucks Latte’s, Smart Water.

96) I love to clean!

97) My idea of cleaning is throwing everything away.

98) I learned how to use guns at a shooting range and have extremely good aim!

99) I completed this entire list in one evening.

100) I’m not sure if I’ve learned anything about myself through all of this, but, I laughed a lot at myself and I’m proud of myself for completing it!

100 Things About Me Pt.9

81) I don’t want to see the new Simpsons movie in it’s entirety. Just the part with Homer and the pig…and Homer is singing …Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does….THAT JUST HAS ME CRACKING UP!


82) I am a certified notary public, personal trainer, aerobic instructor, bartender, and ordained minister.

83) I don’t use any of my certifications.

84) I only own one hat, that is brown and I purchased for $180-…3 years ago…still has the tag on it.

85) I avoid rejection at ALL COSTS!

86) I have no patience and refuse to wait in lines.

87) I have left job interviews, go sees for modeling, lines in stores, lines in DMV’s to get and renew my license because the lines were too long for me.

88) When I was younger, I was in a singing group called Crystal Innocence.

89) I have known that I can’t bear children since I was 17 years old.

90) Because I can’t have children, I am convinced that whomever I end up marrying will have had one child of his own. And, he will allow me to have a dog.

100 Things About Me Pt.8

71) My grandmother, Jeanee Weanee, passed away when I was 12 from cancer.

72) I believe she was the only person that understood me.

73) One of my favorite quotes is from the movie Mary Poppins…”A place for everything, and everything in it’s place”.74) I broke up with a guy for giving me yellow gold jewelry as a gift.

75) I only wear silver, white gold, and platinum..see the pattern? He really didn’t know me!

76) My favorite books are The Coldest Winter Ever by Sista Souljah, Shades of Jade by Gloria Mallette, and Sex God by Rob Bell.

77) I love surprises. But, if you ask me, I’ll deny it.

78) I love Coconut Nectar Lotion from Sephora.

79) I wore black toe nail polish for more than 10 years because it matched everything.

80) I don’t watch TV because of commercials.

100 Things About Me Pt.7

61) When I was younger, New Kids on the Block was my favorite group.

62) No one could tell me that I wasn’t going to marry Joey McIntyre.

63) I have had my entire wedding planned since I was 12 years old.

64) I love chicken, but would rather eat a ceasar salad every day if I could.

65) I frequently forget to eat on a daily basis, but will always remember to have a soda or some kind of juice with sugar in it.

66) I love Smart Water and think that any other water is stupid! LOL!!

67) I don’t sleep underneath my comforter and sheets. I use another comforter that I fold up everyday after using it.

68) I only use liquid soap. I still can’t understand how anyone can still be using bar soap.

69) I bleach my teeth. Doesn’t everyone?

70) About 5 years ago my father bought me a large stuffed bunny rabbit that remains on my bed at all times. I named him Rosco.

100 Things About Me Pt.6

51) I love old school music.

52) One of my favorite groups of all time is The Whispers.

53) I hate the heat & love the cold.

54) I hate coats.

55) I wear my favorite outfit in the fall and winter with a scarf to prevent me from catching a cold.

56) I have 4 tattoos and 7 piercing’s (not including my tongue ring that I allowed to close).

57) I am afraid of the dark.

58) I sleep with a nightlight, except when I sleep with my boyfriend.

59) I just recently started watching scary movies this year, but I sell refuse to watch anything by Tim Burton!

60) Movies/shows with talking animals amuse me.

You Are 96% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life. Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

100 Things About Me Pt.5

41) My favorite outfit consists of a white tee-shirt, fitted jeans, and flip flops or a pair of Uggs.

42) If I found a club/lounge that coordinated with my favorite outfit…I’d go to the club EVERY NIGHT.

43) I don’t understand when people tell me “No”.

44) I think the greatest inventions today consist of Blackberry’s, Ipod’s, external drives, and laptops.

45) My favorite scents are Orange Flower scented candles from Henri Bendel, and my boyfriend.

46) My favorite perfumes are Lolita Limpicka, Hanae Mori, Eternity, and Princess.

47) I believe that New York City has a lot to do with my illness.

48) I cry myself to sleep most nights for reasons I’m still unsure of.

49) I have intentions on moving back to Atlanta late 2010.

50) I am a born again Christian.

100 Things About Me Pt.4

31) I am terrified of all bugs…including butterflies!

32) I do my best not to talk on the phone anymore.

33) My connection with everyone is via email and text messaging.

34) I used to check my messages every 2 to 3 minutes.

35) Now, I check my messages every 15 minutes or so…I’M IMPROVING!! ☺

36) My favorite colors ALL REVOLVE AROUND THE COLOR BROWN.

37) I didn’t start wearing colors other than white, black, and brown until 2 years ago.

38) I am a HUGE hip hop head…but, I love music from the durty south.

39) I believe there are beautiful children in the world. However, I honestly believe there is not one child who is more handsome than my nephew, Shawn.
40) I own more than a hundred pairs of shoes, but I have worn less than 25% of them.

100 Things About Me Pt.3

21) I blog a million times, EVERY DAY, in my head, but find it very difficult to write it down.

22) I have only 3 female friends, but have hundreds of male friends.

23) I trust females the least.

24) I have the ability to separate emotion from relationships.

25) My favorite TV show is Friends.

26) Although they only show the reruns now, I try to catch it every time it comes on.

27) I laugh and cry at the same parts of each show every time I see it.

28) I have worked in the fitness industry for 12 years, but have always hated working out.

29) Up until 2 months ago, I have had the same hair stylist for the last 10 years.

30) I only went elsewhere because of my therapist advice to try someone new.

100 Things About Me Pt.2

11) I’ve been off my meds, again, for about 2 weeks.

12) I love to laugh.

13) I have only dated people who have a great sense of humor.

14) I have been in love twice in my life.

15) My first love was my high school sweet heart, my second is my current boyfriend.

16) If I ever saw my high school sweet heart again, I’d do my best to kick his ass!

17) I can hold a grudge better than anyone I know.

18) I have been in foster care four times.

19) I trust very few people.

20) I am a very brilliant person, but I hide my intelligence.

100 Things About Me Pt.1

I am following Marissa's DeepIntro blog. I never really thought about posting this much about myself, but after reading Marissa's post, I thought it was something cute and kind of cool to do. Marissa, I hope you don't mind me copying off of you a wee bit!
Hopefully you all can learn something about me, and can laugh a little too...just don't laugh too hard!


1) I love to write.

2) My favorite pastime is sleeping.

3) I have 3 sisters and 1 brother.

4) I am the oldest out of all of them.

5) My relationship with my sister and brother, by my mother, is different than my relationship with my younger sisters.

6) I do very little to change my relationship with my younger sisters.

7) My favorite people in the WORLD are my sister Ashley and my brother Ramel.

8) I have had 4 mice and a ferret as pets. Mice names – Baby, Bubba, Baby 2, Bubba 2…Ferrets name – Kisses.

9) My baby’s name is Harmony(in the pic to the right). She’s a dog, Shih-tzu.

10) Despite my illness, I still struggle to take my meds consistently.

Not much to report here. Ok, maybe that's not the complete truth....I took myself of meds until my next p/tdoc appt. Why? Because I feel like my skin is attacking me. And I honestly believe it's from an allergic reaction to all of my meds. Hey, I'm no doctor, there's a small chance I could be wrong...but, what if I'm RIGHT?! For example...I normally shave my legs with a specific razor and a specific gel by Skintimates..I always have a clean razor btw!
Anyway, lately, I shave and I get what I can only describe as shaving hives or rash...whatever it is, I have been scratching off layers of skin! NOT A GOOD LOOK!!! So, I try something different, I use an electric shaver...I thought it was a rather brilliant idea if I do say so myself! What happened??? The same fucking thing as me shaving with a razor...my legs have bruises & whelps(sp), and is turning the raw red color. NOT GOOD! Well, I learned my lesson from my bikini area, I guess this is the lesson that I'll learn for my leg...WAX ONLY...ERRR...WAX ON, WAX OFF! LMBO!!! I'M LAUGHING AS I SCRATCH MY LEGS...sigh....oh well, I can't have it all!

Update

I'll be updating you on both sites later this afternoon! I promise!!

I look at my dresser and get pissed by the amount of prescription pill bottles that I have. Granted there are a few that I got recently that are just refills, but still...it amounts to alot. All it makes me think is that I'm some kind of junkie!

Med changes...
Ritalin LA - 60mg, increase from 40mg....does a GREAT job keeping me calm. Does a SUCK ASS JOB from keeping my brian from being racey!

Celexa - 20mg...no adjustment here...however, I can't tell if it's working! I have no idea why I'm still taking it!

Trazadone - 50mg....does a GREAT JOB keeping me asleep, but it doesn't make me fall asleep. So, the doctor decided to give me.....

Xanax - 1.5mg...I've never said this outside Concerta, but....XANAX IS THE SHIT!!!!!

Lorazepam - 1mg...apparently my pdoc didn't want me to stay on Xanax. I'm sad about that. Instead, she gave me these pills for extended relaease. In other words...they are supposed to last longer. We'll see! I'd rather Xanax.

Ritalin - 5mg...still using them for short term purposes.

What I'm really looking for is something to keep my mind from racing. The ritalin isn't doing that at all!
After listing ALL of my meds...I think I have a total of 12 poll bottles on my dresser...I NEED TO GET A LARGE CONTAINER...SEEING THEM ALL THE TIME BOTHERS ME!

Question?!?!

I want to be happy! I don't just want to "BE"...I want to "BE" happy! How does one do that with a mental illness and have the happy feeling be genuine?

Blog Ratings

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
ass (1x)

THIS IS A LOAD OF CRAP!!!! There is no possible way my blog could be Rated G! And, guess what....I'M RIGHT!
I did the research and found that the rating is only based upon your home page. If you were to enter in the archive URL's, you would find that each page has it's own rating.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not seeking an "R" rating...I just didn't want anyone to be mislead...I mean, for a second I was wondering was I really expressing how I felt inside. I mean, I curse like a sailor on a daily basis...was I not telling you everything?

I feel better knowing that I was telling you everything, and that this page is the only "G" rated page of my blog! :)
Yeah...I'm weird! What can I say! LMBO!!!

Transparency

Transparency isn't something that the world is ready for. I've tried to be very upfront about who I am, and my difficulties, but I've found that the world just isn't ready for it.
I made the mistake of telling two men in my "life" about my mental illness, and I swear, since then, they do everything possible to make me feel like I'm going nuts.
IT'S NOT ME!!! BUT, I CAN MAKE IT BE ME....I BET IT WOULDN'T BE FUNNY THEN!

My illness isn't what I am, rather, it's what I have. I am not defined by my illness...I pray, one day, people will understand, and accept it. Until then, everyone doesn't have to know.

Why?

It seems as if no matter what I do, I can't focus! I want to, and I try so hard, I even get up early to take my meds..to no avail.
One thing I've noticed was taking a break from therapy is not an option for me.
It's as though if I stop, then start again...it's like starting from scratch. And, the same thing goes for my meds.
So why don't I just stick with my routine? I don't know. I guess I'm like everyone else with a mental illness. I start feeling better, and I convince myself that I can do it on my own. Then I start moving backwards...AGAIN!
In many posts I keep saying that I know what I need to do, but in reality, I like to think that this isn't ALWAYS going to be me...FOREVER & EVER...AMEN!
Taking pills every single day, without fail, isn't as easy as it seems. It's not as easy as brushing your teeth in the morning, or bathing, or even using deodorant.

Update For My Holder-ers

I wanted to wait until the end of the week to give you an update, but I'm bored, and a little proud of myself. So, I figured, it wouldn't hurt to write 2 posts.
*I've been taking my meds since seeing my pdoc last week, with the exception of today. I saw no need to take them today. I spent the majority of the day sleeping. Not a good excuse, but an excuse nontheless. I'll go back on them tomorrow.
*I've been studying for my exams. Let me tell you...IT'S VERY BORING MATERIAL! But, it's what I want to do, so I'm going to make myself learn & retain as much info as possible.
*I got a job! YAY ME!!! It's exactly what I wanted! I'm going to be an assistant appraiser. Like I said in my previous post, I have to assist for almost three years, so I'm getting started now! I start after I take my last 2 finals...so, I need to hurry up. I expect to start early August.

***So...how am I doing so far?!?

Blah!

The downside of waking up early in the morning...a lot earlier than normal, is, by mid day, you are drained and ready to take a nap. I might just have to take one of those cute naps today.

Up Early

I'm, normally, NEVER awake this early in the morning. Even if it's a freak coincidence that I am awake, I'm normally exhausted.
But, not today!! I've been awake since 5am, and I feel good!
What's the difference?
Well, I'm not totally sure, but I can tell you what I did do yesterday.
I woke up yesterday and took my Ritalin LA, 40mg, and Celexa, 20mg.
I still feel that the Ritalin LA does crap for me, but I'm going to make myself take it anyway. I went about my day...doing absolutely nothing at first. I really didn't want to leave my bed, mentally I was fine, but I think my bed was trying to swallow me...it was doing the "I'm oh so comfortable thing", lol.
I agreed to take my family to the Port Authority this morning, so when I found out that I had to leave my house by 8:30am, I knew I'd have to make some sleeping arrangements. So, I went into my bedroom and took a Lunesta...yup, I still have about 6 of them left, and they will remain there in case of emergency. With Trazadone, I never really know when I am going to wake up, even when I time it correctly and set numerous alarms. With Lunesta, I can start counting approximately 8-9hours from when I took the pill. Even if I don't go directly to bed, which happened last night, I will still wake up after the 8-9hours is complete.
This is why I am awake so early!
And, I already took my meds for today!! YAY ME!!!
I'm going to keep my short term Ritalin on hand...just in case!!
Have a Blessed Day!! :)

Quick Update

I'm going to make this post quick, just to keep my holder-ers updated on what I've been doing to achieve my goals.

1) Saw my pdoc on Wednesday. She gave me more Ritalin LA. I expressed my dislike for the medication and she repeated that she would not be giving me Concerta because their pharmacy doesn't carry it. She said that she could write the script but I would have to pay out of pocket to have it filled. I then, expressed my dislike for Trazadone. I explained that I thought it was great to have consistant sleep, but my issue isn't just remaining sleep, it's also falling asleep. Lunesta worked for me because within the first 30 minutes to an hour it made me fall asleep, and remain sleep, for about 8 hours. Although, it kinda stopped working after a while. She told me that she understood what I was trying to tell her, and that she would give me Lunesta the next time I saw her, which is in two weeks.
I took ALL OF MY MEDS TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME...I'M REALLY WORKING HARD THIS TIME TO STAY ON IT! I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW..

2) I promised that I would start looking for work as an assistant appraiser...and I have been looking, and even sending out emails. This task is going to be the most difficult because I have no patience...but I feel strongly about it. I am giving myself until August to find a position. With a lot of prayer, positive thinking...and meds...I believe I can do it!

3) I still have to take my real estate appraisal finals. I have been searching for my books EVERYWHERE so that I can begin studying. I've been searching since Monday...can you believe I just found the stinkin things about 5 minutes before I started this post? I was going crazy! These books are wayyyyyyyyy expensive! Any-hoo...I am going to begin studying tomorrow, and I am going to call the school to schedule a time for me to take my first final! Wish me luck!

4) I am determined to move... And, I'm even more determined to no longer live in fear! So...I'm going to speak to my boyfriend this week. Yes, these three thoughts do go hand in hand. Once I speak to my boyfriend, no matter what the outcome, I'll go into more detail.

And that's all I have for now....How am I doing so far?!?

Home!

I decided to finally make my way back to NYC. I got home this afternoon and immediately took a Trazadone. Why? I have no reason really. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I didn't even bother to cut the pill in half. I took the entire pill, 50 mg.

I realized over the last 2 weeks, NYC can make anyone want meds! In other words...I think one of my issues is where I live. No, I didn't, by far, feel cured while in Atlanta. However, I believe I was less depressed while there.

I'm back to crying and feeling miserable. I tried doing yoga, and some meditation to no avail!

A few days ago I made some decisions, or shall I say goals, for my life. I decided to let you all in on them so you can hold me to them. Should you choose to accept the position as Amber's goal "holder-er" (LOL!! I know there's another word for it, but this one made me smile!), I feel it's my responsibility to warn you that I'm very, VERY STUBBORN!!! 

Anyway, here are my goals...

1) Contact my real estate school and make arrangements for me to take my appraisal finals.

2) Obtain a position as an appraisal assistant.

3) Take & COMPLETE my General appraisal courses.

4) Move out of the apartment I'm in.

5) Look into audio engineering courses (possibly take some courses next year. ONE THING AT A TIME!)

6) After completing my the required hours as an assistant, and obtaining my General Appraisal License, which will take about 3 years, move to Atlanta, Ga.

7) STAY ON MY MEDS!!! (This should be number one...but, I think just by putting it in caps puts much needed emphasis on it!)

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!! 

Sad, but, these are the things that stay on the top of my mind, but that's as far as it gets. I'm hoping that posting about it will get me in gear. That and the fact that you all will keep me on track!

Where I've Been

I've been around...just not around here. Actually, I went out of town. There is no excuse for me not blogging because I brought my computer with me. My consistantcy with everything has been off. I'm backed up on blogging, reading blogs, taking meds....and a numerous amount of other things. I keep saying that I'm going to do it...whatever "it" may be...I start, and then a few days later, I stop. 

My baby sister just had a baby. When I heard she was going into labor, I took a next day flight down to Atlanta. I kept trying to convince myself, during her pregnancy, that I could be of no use to her while I'm still trying to get my head straight, but I believe I was wrong..in a very big way. 

I've had so much fun over the last 2 weeks, and while my sister may say I've been a big help, I'd say that they've (my family) been a big help to me. I would have been kicking my own ass for years to come had I not been here to help. Being around my sister and brother has always brought a huge amount of calm around me. They make me laugh and smile for no reason. My sister's boyfriend told me that I need to move back to Atlanta. I asked why and he told me because all three of us are a lot happier when we are together. He said he's never seen my sister this happy. My friends in NYC were calling through out the 2 weeks and they noticed how happy and calm I sounded.

Being with my brother and sister does fill me with joy, but they don't really support my meds. They don't really understand, so I can't be mad at them. I tried to stay off of them as much as possible during my time here, which in turn kept me racey. I was unable to sit down and do anything other than watch movies with my family, and talk during them...only because we've seen the movies before...I hate when people talk during movies! 

I hate to leave my family, but it's time to return to my life in NYC. And, I have to set aside time to catch up with all of your blogs. I pray all is well! See you soon!!

It's Been A While

Why? I'm not really sure. I haven't felt any particular way since my last post, but I've been unable to sit still long enough to write anything. All of my blogs have been neglected, I hate this feeling. It's that useless feeling that I don't have any clue what to do with.
Small update...
I went off my meds again. I don't know why I do it. I go on for about a week or so, and then I stop. Today was my first day back on and I'm trying to adjust. The jitters are hitting me hardcore. I missed my pdoc/tdoc appointment this past week because I had to take a next day flight out to see my sister and my new nephew in Atlanta. I have enough meds to last me for the next week or so, but I have to go back for more.

I'm considering a permanent move to Atlanta. If you're close to me, this is of no surprise to you. Unfortunately, I don't have a car anymore, and to live in Atlanta, you must have a car.

I'll figure it out, but until I get my plan in action, I'll be traveling back and forth between NYC and Atlanta.

My Epiphany

It's not really an epiphany so much as a realization of what was going on with me.
My priorities fell out of line. When I left my job, I left for a good reason, it was either going to be me, or them. And since I don't look very pretty with cornrows and a neon orange jumper, I figured it would be smart for me to make my exit. When I did, at first I was ok, and I was very very happy. I was even still attending church. Then something happened. I ran out of meds, and my focus was 100% on my illness and nothing else.
I have to say that when I really look at it, alot of my unhappiness was my fault...the rest was my inability to focus on any one thing.

So, I'll be getting back on my grind now!

This Past Week

It was a pretty good week for me, but trying. But, I made it through. I had my doubts but I did it! My step-mother finally came back home, so, mommie duty was done for me. Oddly enough, I enjoyed myself while she was gone. Not that I didn't miss her, but it seemed the house functioned a lot smoother with her not being there. Also, I pulled out a talent that I kept hidden, even from myself...COOKING...I did a few days of cooking and my family actually enjoyed, and so did I. I actually woke up each day trying to decide what I would cook for my family. WEIRD!!

On the day my step-mother was to come back home, I drove both of my sisters to their respective schools and just as I was dropping my youngest sister off, the car dies.
It wouldn't have been half bad if I had showered and put on some decent clothes...I was wearing flip flops, gray capri sweatpants, and an over sized neon orange t-shirt that had a LARGE pic of a guy lifting weights on the back. I was a HOT MESS!!! To top it off, I was sitting in the car, in the heat, no a/c, in a tow away zone from 7:30am to 11am...I'm proud of myself because I NEVER EVEN SPAZZED! Now that's an achievement!

I've been on and off my meds this week. Funny, once you finally get meds, you pick and choose what day you take them. I doubled up on the Ritalin LA(equaling 40mg) a couple of days and it sorta worked...it worked better than 20mg. I haven't been taking the Celexa. I have no excuse for it, but I haven't. I've been falling asleep all by myself, with and without someone next to me. YAY ME!!! I'll use the Trazodone when necessary. The effects of me taking them is a bit much for a normal day...knocks me out for a lot more than 8 hours. So, when insomnia strikes again, which I'm positive it will, I'll start taking them again.

I need to be on them 100%, but I want to believe that I can do it on my own.
Reality...I CAN'T, BUT I REALLY WANT TO TRY.

I'm going to take them, with the exception of the Trazodone, EVERY DAY...FROM NOW ON!
I'LL BE A GOOD GIRL, I PROMISE!